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Has anyone dealt with this? I'd love to hear about your experience. Did you contact Adult Protective Services or handle it within the family?
In the case of my father (85, widowed 8 years), we're trying to figure out what to do/how to proceed. He does not have Alzheimer's or dementia. He has survived 2 major life-threatening situations, a heart attack 45 years ago and a nearly complete mesenteric artery blockage in both legs (Sep 2020).
His decline technically began when my mother died, but he was still active and engaged in life, interacting with family/friends, participating in his sole hobby (woodworking), keeping up the house, etc. until Sep 2020, when he was confined to the hospital for 30 days for the mesenteric artery surgery/recovery/rehab.
The primary issues with which we're concerned include:
Self-isolation for nearly 2 years. Does not attend family dinners (at house next door), no longer sees or calls friends. Doesn't leave the house except for medical appointments, pharmacy pick-ups, or grocery shopping. Sits in his recliner all day watching TV, except for bathroom breaks and meal prep (open box, put in microwave).
Lives in filthy/unsanitary conditions. Doesn't clean up after himself (kitchen, dining room, living room), won't throw away garbage except for food scraps. Dips snuff, spits into a wastebasket next to his recliner. Sleeps in a bed that has cat feces in it (including his pillow); he won't close his door to keep the cat out of his room to prevent this from happening. We haven't determined how often he cleans the litterboxes, as the 3 cats are very tolerant (except for the one, who defecates inappropriately due to an unmanaged dietary condition). Yes, we are planning to rehome the cats.
Poor personal hygiene (does not shower for a week or more at a time). Clothes are filthy, stained with snuff-stained saliva, dropped food, etc.
There are some other things, but these are the main ones. From the outside looking in, it's clear he's depressed, but when his doctor asks him how he's doing, feeling, etc. and gives him the standard screening, my father insists everything is fine, he's not depressed, etc.
Even if he had the financial resources to move into a facility, he would never do it, so it's useless to suggest this. We've talked to him about getting outside help, someone who would clean or cook up some freezer meals for him, spend time with him, etc. He's 100% on board with the idea until he realizes he has to pay for it, then it's nope, nope, nope.
We're at a crossroads. He isn't overtly harming himself, so do we let him continue to live the way he chooses? Or do we put our foot down and intervene?
Why did he stop woodworking? Does he have arthritis in his hands that make it difficult for him to use them? Maybe after your mother died he didnt have any reason to keep doing what he had been doing. Got any children who are interested in woodworking? that could help bring him out of his shell. And I would NOT get rid of the cats. They are the only company he has. Think about that! I would talk to him again about having someone come in to clean etc. Are you sure he could afford it? Not cheap!
Sounds alot like my husband. and theres nothing wrong with him except for stubbornness. But hes lucky cause Im still here.
I think this is somewhat typical in many people at that age and they do need someone to come in and help. They just slow down, no energy, don't care and don't "see" the mess anymore.
Maybe pay for a major one time clean up now and then have family help once a week when they visit? I wouldn't call an agency.
We've done this with our older family members. It wasn't overwhelming, just vacuum, take out the trash, help wash a few dishes or throw a load of laundry in the wash while you're there.
You need to get ahold of his doctor and tell him what's going on. That way the Dr can recommend some treatment. You need to have a family intervention as well with him.
Walk in the middle. Can the family living next door stop by on a daily basis? Can you do or have done a deep clean of house? Can you get a rgular cleaning service or general aid for him? Can you reach out to his old circle and encourage contact with him? Can you simply pick him up for family dinner or bring it to his house and eat there with him? Can you ask him to help you with a wood working project? Have a good laugh - my father was a Guild Master Carpenter and this is how my truck ended up with a fire engine red tool box. It was impossible to miss.
He went through a lot and sounds lost and lonely. Discussing things with his physician is also an important step.
Have you discussed things with the rest of the family?
Getting a lifelong saver to part with money - one step at a time.
Several friends experienced this with their mother, we did with my FIL, my grandmother and mother, and if I enquired further of more friends and family probably would find more examples. All of these elders were late 80s, early 90s.
This seems to be very common late in life. One friend's mother stopped eating and drinking as did my FIL. My mother stopped all personal hygiene. In her case, she wanted to "go home" as she said every day until her death.
None of the people mentioned here lived in unsanitary conditions though bc there was family to care for the cleanliness of living conditions, or they were in end of life care.
OP in your father's case, the suggestions above to do a big cleaning and then maintenance by family members seems the most practical. Expectations of your father taking over household duties at this stage in his life are slim to none, most likely.
It's upsetting to see a formerly dynamic member of the family withdraw from active life. I know first hand as probably most do who have had the care of parents or grandparents at the end of their lives. It's tough.
I don't see a problem with withdrawing from previous activities, including family. That is just a personal preference.
I would be much more concerned about his health and the unsanitary conditions. I don't know what I would do. I cannot even imagine myself living in those conditions. I also cannot imagine myself living in a care home. Both of my parents are long gone and neither required even in-home care.
But this thread encourages me look both at myself ( 76 ) and my former wife ( 69 ) and wonder what our kids will do when the time comes to intervene. She and I both stay in touch with the kids, and see them all periodically, either in person or through Google Meet. So neither of us is isolated. I am in good health and she is not doing badly.
I would like to to think that when needed we would both pay for in-home care, but neither if us are there yet.
This is indeed quite common, especially once someone gets into their mid-to-late 80s. They don't all have dementia; it's simply that they are just "done with life." It doesn't always mean that they are going to die in the next year or so, but it's a signal that life is coming to an end for them.
My neighbor's mother was the most sprightly old Italian woman you'd ever meet. She cooked and cleaned meticulously all of her life. Then, one day when she was 84, she said she was tired of it all, refusing to cook or clean ever again (husband died a year earlier). She lived several more years, but basically sat in a chair watching game shows. She ate very little and refused to leave the house. She would get a bath and put clean clothes on, and would have a few decent conversations here and there, but all in all, she went downhill pretty much overnight. Her daughters couldn't do anything, knowing it was just the natural course of life. Her famous words for the last five years of her life were: "When you are two girls calling the funeral home?"
It sounds like he is permanently down in the dumps, so nothing is worthwhile, nothing has purpose, and everything is pointless. Kind of a half-functioning depression.
I don't know a solution. End of life sucks. The end often doesn't come quickly enough.
My only thought is, keep him safe from physical harm, otherwise let him wallow. It sucks. It is hard to watch and when you are young enough to be mentally and emotionally normal, it doesn't seem to make any sense. You want to shake the person and say "don't you realize!"
It doesn't work that way. He has given up. He is a dead man walking. He probably wishes he could pass away and the end can come soon enough.
Sure, you could intervene. And then add arguing, fighting, and hostility to the list of problems while none of the existing problems get fixed.
Can you and/or others in the family come over and visit with him weekly and help him clean up?
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