And away we go.

[Superhornet]

My dad is sick. Not the "get better" kind of sick.

Next Friday he meets the oncologist where they have the "how much time do I have?" discussion. Based on what we know so far, there will not be a lot of time.

My dad will decline any/most types of treatment. If he was a dog he'd go to the vet and put himself down.

Our relationship has been good; not great, but good. My parents are very private people. They live several thousand miles away.

I'm new to this experience.

1. At what point do I go there? My intent is to follow their lead.
2. My intent is to go in the very near future, but am not sure when the next visit should be.
3. At some point I want to talk to my mom about "after." When do I broach this subject?

Bonus question
4. When people find out their on a very short time horizon, what do they do? Everybody is different, of course, but generally do they....reflect? Do they make amends? Do they want One Last Fishing Trip?

[Hemlock140]

I went through this with my grandmother when I was 17, she moved in with us and I drove her to chemo, but eventually they told her the time was near and she was confined to bed. I was actually bedside with my Mom when she passed, and at that time I think it was having me there to comfort my mother that made the most difference. Next week I'm going up to my Mom's, she is 93, and clean out her apartment as she has gone into assisted living. We have already discussed her wishes for final arrangements, in fact have pre-paid for the cremation and burial. It's a lot better than in a case like a younger brother, killed in a car crash, where you have a lot to do without warning, and the grief is so much more severe when not expecting it.

Since you don't have a "time" yet, I would wait until after that appointment then go and visit and talk to them both, together and separately. Most important will probably be helping your Mom figure out what she will do after he's gone.

Good luck.

[Lillie767]

There are at least two sets of conversations that are necessary.

One is with your father and the other with your mother. They are each facing a unique situation and must find a path through it.

Your father must have a frank discussion of his death and how he wants to live these final times. months? weeks? If he is a religious man, a member of the clergy may be able to help with the finality of life and the rites to be followed. If not, just ask what he wants.

Your mother is facing an uncertain future. Whilst we all know that death is inevitable, we rarely picture ourselves as a surviving spouse, especially if a marriage has been long-lived and happy.

Your initial response to "follow their lead" is an excellent way to help without intruding.

But, and this is the hard part, decisions must be made and some must be made soon. If your mother will be financially and physically able to continue to live in her house, some decisions can and should be made after your father dies.

If your father has been the sole financial planner and your mother doesn't know or understand their financial position, you should sit with them and go over their assets and other financial considerations. This sounds heartless, but if your father dies and takes this knowledge with him, your mother will be in an unenviable position after his death. This has been called "Getting your affairs in order."

There is an immediate need to ensure that his will, POA, Advanced Directive and Health Care Surrogate forms are current and valid. There are many checklists online to help with this.


https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/getti...prepare-future
https://trustandwill.com/learn/end-o...ning-checklist


Don't forget that you are also grieving. Allow some time for your grief and mourning. It will sneak up on you and will sometimes be overwhelming. Go with it and allow yourself to feel the pain. It is a cliché but true. Death is part of life. Surround yourself with friends who will help you. You will then be stronger to help your parents.

Many of us have been in your position. There are many online and IRL grief groups who can help.

[Superhornet]

Their "After we're gone" financial plans have been made for years, maybe decades.

For now, the only communication from Mom about Dad is "he says he alternates between depression and acceptance."

I, truthfully, don't know how close they are to each other.

[KathrynAragon]

I think your dad is going to want to know your mom will be OK. Not sure if anyone has mentioned that but I personally think he needs to know that. I mean emotionally and financially.

My dad made sure I was on the accounts, and that I had met his CPA and his banker and all that. It was helpful.

Condolences. Letting someone go is really hard. My advice would be to get there as soon as you can after the appointment. Try to see your dad while he is still able to be active. Don't worry about how close your parents may be. That's not your role here. Just be a good adult child.

For instance, my mom outlived my dad by several years. I remember whey she went in to "say goodbye" to him. Though I left her alone, I thought she was in and out of there pretty quickly. Several MONTHS after he died, she called me and said "I have been thinking about your dad. He wasn't such a bad husband." No, he certainly was NOT! LOL but I had a different relationship with him than she did.

[Superhornet]

Nothing new to report; the appointment last week consisted of discussing which tests to do next.

General agreement on no surgery.

General agreement on immunotherapy.

[sera]

Our sons came immediately from another state when their father was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, they saw what chemo treatments did to him and we ceased those treatments. Radiation continued for a while, this was in August.

November, we flew to their state for our final Thanksgiving; February, when he died, they came for what we call Celebration of Life. After that we enjoyed a Mexican meal their father enjoyed..

My suggestion see your parents Now. Ask direct questions, what happens after he is gone. Is your Mom prepared to handle all the details, does she have a close friend to assist her ?

Tried to get help before Bruce died, most people feel awkward, even older people. I try to be specific, do they need a meal, vacuuming, a short visit, a thinking of you greeting.

Helpful, there is no time limit for grief After 41+ years, the first year was a blur. Make a list, If your Mom lets go of his belongings, not that I want the items, just know what happened to them.

Your Mom will get a small lump sum from Social Security, if your Dad is a veteran, she's entitled to a small monetary sum as well as a flag. When I went for the flag, didn't know about the money. Must apply the first year, check.

This may be blunt, wish someone had been blunt with me. Asked specific questions. Tell your Mom, Dad,if people ask, "If there's anything I can do for you", be specific, I didn't know what to ask for !. My Bruce would have so enjoyed a 5 minute visit. Peanut butter cookies.

[SanJac]

It may be comforting to your parents to have someone from the clergy pray with them. If they are Catholic, a priest could pray the “anointing for the sick” with them, or a Eucharistic minister could bring them communion to the home.

At almost every medical facility my mom was treated at (even for just blood transfusions) there was a chaplain there that would pop in and ask us if we needed anything. I would always ask them to pray with us. It was comforting.

As for you, do what your heart tells you. There will be no second chances. Try to have no regrets.

[phoebesmom]

I went out to be with both parents, actually moved to be with dying father although did not know he was dying at the time. My advice is get out there as soon as you can, and size up the situation and what you should say and do once you get there. There is something about your physical presence that will help your dad and your mom beyond their ability to tell you. Just having you to hold onto will mean the world to them both.

[riaelise]

I'd get there as soon as possible.

My mom's cancer moved incredibly fast and sadly, she didn't make it to see her siblings' arrival.