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My husband died 3.5 months ago. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed, and I will regret that until I die. It had been a long day, and after sitting by his side for 12 hours I went home to rest. A few days before I was told he called for me all night until they gave him a sedative, that also upset me. Why didn't they call?
I'm seriously thinking about booking a session with a medium to try and make contact with him. I loved him, I miss him, but his death was not peaceful, he was alone, and that's what haunts me. Has anybody tried to contact a loved one through a medium? Am I crazy to do so?
My husband died 3.5 months ago. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed, and I will regret that until I die. It had been a long day, and after sitting by his side for 12 hours I went home to rest. A few days before I was told he called for me all night until they gave him a sedative, that also upset me. Why didn't they call?
I'm seriously thinking about booking a session with a medium to try and make contact with him. I loved him, I miss him, but his death was not peaceful, he was alone, and that's what haunts me. Has anybody tried to contact a loved one through a medium? Am I crazy to do so?
I'm sorry to hear about your husband OP. As for why the hospital didn't call you, I won't go there. You'd need to ask them. There may be more than one reasonable explanation but hearing those reasonable explanations may not help. It might have been benevolent; an attempt to spare you.
As for not being with him when he passed, I understand how bad someone can feel about that because I've been there.
My mother died in the hospital while no family was present too. She'd been hospitalized on a respirator due to ALS for 9 months. She was lucid much of that time but couldn't speak or move so communication was very difficult. A horrible situation. My father, sisters and I all loved her dearly, we were all in the local area, and we visited every day the entire time. Everyone was emotionally and physically drained. Over her last few days, she'd developed a secondary infection and was semi-conscious or sleeping. All of us had visited earlier that day but had all gone home to rest up for next day...the parts of our lives that couldn't be put on hold. Later that evening the hospital called to let us know she was gone.
Of course, I felt terrible not to have been at hand but eventually I was able to forgive myself and remind myself that it wasn't intentional or due to lack of love or care. It just happened. It can't be changed. She may have been physically alone at that moment but she wasn't emotionally alone. She knew we were "there" for her. No small thing that her suffering was finally over and she was free of the physical. For that I felt immense relief for her and for us.
Do you feel your husband is trying to contact you? If your relationship was sound, both of you knew you loved the other, you didn't have unfinished business, maybe there isn't a message he still needs you to hear. Personally, my mother and I were always very close. There wasn't any particular thing left unsaid between us, so I haven't felt she needed to contact me afterward and I haven't felt the need to get in contact with her other than sort of broadcasting my love out to whatever universe she's in now. I also feel that memories of a person maintain the relationship you had with them. In a way, when you revisit those memories, you ARE communicating with them.
As for using a medium, that's completely up to you. IMHO no one should be advising you one way or the other. While I don't happen to dismiss the idea that deceased loved ones can exist in some manner after death, I am pretty skeptical that mediums are able to act as conduits. So many have been proven frauds and shysters who prey on the misery and weakness of others. I may not agree with someone's decision to consult a medium and I probably wouldn't do it myself, but I certainly wouldn't condemn them. I'm not convinced either way that that ability exists in general.
Belief can be a very strong influence for good or bad. Even if a medium can't actually contact a deceased person, a consultation could help a grief-stricken person feel they've done everything they can to resolve some issue with them. Even if it's just in their own mind. Even if all a session actually does is force the person to express themselves or come face to face with what they can't change, it could help them move through their grief and find a life afterward. That isn't a bad thing at all. I can't imagine a deceased loving person would want the loved ones they left behind to suffer forever. They would hope they reach a degree of peace. Because they love them.
Last edited by Parnassia; 03-10-2024 at 04:16 PM..
My husband died 3.5 months ago. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed, and I will regret that until I die. It had been a long day, and after sitting by his side for 12 hours I went home to rest. A few days before I was told he called for me all night until they gave him a sedative, that also upset me. Why didn't they call?
I'm seriously thinking about booking a session with a medium to try and make contact with him. I loved him, I miss him, but his death was not peaceful, he was alone, and that's what haunts me. Has anybody tried to contact a loved one through a medium? Am I crazy to do so?
Don't regret not being at his side when your husband died. Your husband may have chosen that time to die to spare you actually seeing him die. There is a school of thought that some people prefer to die alone to spare their loved ones seeing the actual death.
"Hospice professionals know that companionship while dying is a personal preference. We have those patients who die in the middle of the night. We hear stories about the loved one who just stepped out for five minutes and the patient died. We may have even witnessed a quick death ourselves. I believe this happens by the patient's choice.
When my mom was on hospice and they said her death was close, I sat vigil with my mom throughout the night, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner. I finally went home to take a shower and mom died when I was 10 minutes away from returning to the facility. I was racked with guilt. Years later when I was working in hospice, I reconciled what had happened after I observed many deaths where patient died after family stepped out.
It seems to happen most often when the patient is a parent. I believe it is a protective factor.
A patient might die when their loved one steps out of the room for just a minute or right before they arrive. It is gut wrenching for the family member if they’re not prepared for this possibility.
I noticed that the bereaved family members always had strong feelings of guilt for “not being there” when the patient died. They felt their physical absence was somehow a metaphorical representation that they were not emotionally there for the patient. They believe they failed the patient. This rarely is the case, but guilt is a difficult feeling to alleviate. Loved ones can harbor this self-imposed guilt for years after the death."
My husband died 3.5 months ago. I wasn't at the hospital when he passed, and I will regret that until I die. It had been a long day, and after sitting by his side for 12 hours I went home to rest. A few days before I was told he called for me all night until they gave him a sedative, that also upset me. Why didn't they call?
I'm seriously thinking about booking a session with a medium to try and make contact with him. I loved him, I miss him, but his death was not peaceful, he was alone, and that's what haunts me. Has anybody tried to contact a loved one through a medium? Am I crazy to do so?
I was with my bf/fiance when he died one year ago yesterday. Said, "if you want to go, just go", and to my shock, he stopped breathing literally less than thirty seconds later.
Your experience seems to be quite common. My friend lost her mom last year, had her set up with hospice in her home, wouldn't leave her side, dozed off on the couch in the same room and woke up to find her mother dead. Similarly, I put my mom to bed, checked her an hour later, she was sleeping soundly, breathing deeply, woke up three hours later, checked on her, and she was gone.
I personally do not think you are crazy to want to try to contact him. If you go that route, be careful, as it is an industry that can prey on vulnerable people through fakes. I do believe--actually I know--that there are people out there who have this gift. Find someone through someone you know and/or trust to send you in the right direction.
I did hear something from mine through a psychic, but I did not go to her for that purpose. I went there, skeptical because I always am, to see if she had any advice or direction on what I was supposed to do next, since I lost not only my fiance but the plans I had as to where I was going to live and so forth. I told her that I had lost my partner, and she said "He is OK. He is home, and he sees now why things were the way they were (he was very angry about the illness that incapacitated and eventually killed him) because "when we are here, we are fish out of water and do not see things as they really are." It gave me comfort to hear that, but I was still doubtful because anybody could say that to comfort the bereaved.
At the end of the session, as I was leaving, she said, "Wait. I hear things." I turned and she told me "He wants you to know..." and said something that no one else could have known. Then I knew she was the real deal.
I had gone to her on the advice of a friend who had lost her mother. She was not looking for a message from the other side, either, but this woman said to her, "There is someone near you showing me a remote control." My friend's mom had died recently with the remote for the TV still in her hand. This same psychic told that same friend to get her left shoulder looked at as soon as possible. She'd had a tumor removed from her spine six months earlier, and sure enough, she had five new spots of bone marrow cancer in her left shoulder.
Another thing, did you try talking to him directly?
A few days before my bf died, he was trying to ask me for something, to do something for him, but his speech had gotten so bad that I could not make out what he was saying. I said, "Is there something you need, something you want me to do for you?" He nodded and said yes, and repeated what he was trying to say, and I just could not make it out. I said, "I'm so sorry, I can't figure out what you want." He mouthed Never Mind, but it bothered me because it was obviously important and not water or Pepsi or something usual that he would ask for.
I stayed where he died with his family for a couple of weeks until we got the ashes and had a memorial and then I left to go home, which was a long trip. I was driving on the Interstate, and I was haunted by that request that I couldn't understand, and I just started to sob and sob and said, "I'm so sorry, I just couldn't figure out what that last thing was that you were asking me for, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry", and just then, a big giant white bird poop went SPLAT on my windshield, right in front of my eyes.
My bf was an outdoors guy and a wildlife photographer who fed birds and took photos of them, and as I cleared the bird crap from my windshield, I went from crying to laughing. To me, he was saying, "It's a bunch of crap, MQ, it doesn't matter now." In fact, I later told his son what had happened and that was his take on it, too. "Dad says you're worrying about crap that doesn't matter."
So talk to him. Tell him what you said here, how you feel about not being there. Maybe you'll get an answer that will make you know he's OK and that the things you are sad about don't matter anymore.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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I would give it a try, you have nothing to lose (but some money) by having a medium try to contact him. My wife and I have both had experiences that make us open to the paranormal. One example, I was with my grandmother at bedside when she passed, that was in 1968. In 1995 when my father was very sick and in another state, I had dream in which my grandmother was looking at me and said that my father had died. I immediately woke up and looked at the clock, it was 5:05 am. I couldn't sleep so got up and showered, and at 6:15 got a call from my brother telling me that our father had died. I asked him what time, and he said 5am.
I have also observed that people sometimes die when at peace and alone. Please don’t feel guilty as you were there for your husband when he needed you.
We were with my mother when she was dying and she seemed to be struggling to keep breathing, although seemingly unconscious, maybe because we were there. We calmly told her she could go to Dad and she quieted and took her last breath shortly after.
My dad was supposedly recovering and leaving the hospital. One or two family members spent the day quietly with him, told him we loved him and would see him the next day. I still remember him watching me leave and I blew him another kiss. The phone rang that night and he had died in his sleep. We were shocked but it’s almost as if he was at peace seeing us during the day and ready. Both my parents were very elderly.
This also happened to two friends of mine. They left for just minutes when their parents died after sitting by the bedside for hours and days. The nurses told them the same thing - they see it happen very often.
There was also a case where an unhinged person we knew would cry and moan at her parent’s bedside, sometimes even screaming “dont die”. The nurses would tell her how upsetting this was to everyone and certainly not helpful to her father. During Covid he had to go to the ER and nobody else could be with him.
Sure enough, he died within 2 hours even though conscious and no blatant cause except old age. We all had the same thought, that he passed in peace and without causing her distress at his bedside. I won’t mind if I do the same thing and I will tell my family just that.
Can’t give advice about a medium as I am not familiar with that situation. I would say do what helps you as long as it does not take advantage of you monetarily.
My dad and I were with my mother every single day, 24/7, after her stroke. We did everything to make her happy and to help her overcome her emotional obstacles. Sadly, her mind only got worse over time despite making an excellent physical recovery for her age.
A month before my mother died, she had two massive seizures, back-to-back, leaving her very confused for about a week. She came out of the seizures without any physical issues, other than a chest infection from being on a respirator for 7-8 hours or so. We noticed that her mind was a little better in some ways, but mostly, she was mentally way worse. I didn't go to the hospital that much, as I was just numb and hopeless from caring for her 24/7 with my father for almost 2 years. It was like a prison sentence. Dad, however, went in every day and sat with her for 7 or 8 hours after she became more aware (a week later). He took a bad fall while leaving the hospital one night from being so worn out with long-term caretaking duties on then the long hospital visits.
I decided to start visiting my mother in the third week of her last hospital stay. Still, she didn't care if I was there or not - her mind was really going, even though her speech, memory, and certain aspects of her personality were still well intact. She would say and do things that didn't make sense and would get strangely combative with nurses. She didn't even know why she was in the hospital. I had a hard time staying more than 1 hour or so, but still went in every day in the third week.
Finally, week 4 comes: my mother suddenly comes down with C-diff infection from heavy antibiotic usage.The infection turned into sepsis shock a few days later. They said my mother was critically ill and dialysis was the only way to possibly save her. We knew it was the end of the road for her. I went in to say goodbye because I knew that nothing was going to save her. She was fully conscious when I arrived, even though she barely spoke a few words. She held her hand out to me and I touched her forehead (she had bulging eyes and felt ice cold to the touch). I left the room after 20 minutes or so, telling her good-bye. She just looked at me and gave me slight smile.
A few hours later, they prepared her for slow dialysis, but never got hooked up because she suffered a fatal brain bleed stroke right before. She was brain dead, but they kept her heart beating for a few hours with vasopressors and a respirator. I refused to go and see her. My dad went to see her and stayed until they took took the respirator off. Her heart stopped beating 15-30 minutes later, and then she was pronounced dead. Dad didn't even stay a few minutes after her death; he just quickly left (he had enough of it all).
I don't feel guilty that I wasn't there. My mother was brain dead anyways. We all do what we have to do in such situations. I cared meticulously for her for almost 2 years 24/7. I fizzled out, and so did dad (almost 77). We had enough of it all. Her time had come, and she was ready. We knew that we weren't going to be able to care for her anymore after her seizures, as her mind was too far gone. It was clearly GAME OVER.
We had no viewing or funeral for my mother. She always told us to take some of her ashes and spread them somewhere, if we wanted to (she was really opposed to any viewing). My mother's sisters weren't happy that there was no funeral (particularly one of them), but that's how our family works. We don't do funerals (they're terribly expensive). Again, every one does what they need to do. That said, we have her ashes at home, and honor her memory in that way.
Last edited by FrancaisDeutsch; 03-12-2024 at 01:45 PM..
Hi Mattie, I talked to a medium after my father died, as I wanted guidance about the situation with my mother--so I didn't exactly go seeking him as much as wanting guidance about the situation--but he came through, along with his sister-in-law, brother, both my grandmothers, my aunt, and some people I did not know, friends of his! It was an amazing experience and very healing. The medium named my grandmother and uncle by name. She talked about how happy he was restored to his vitality and health, and we talked about my mom, and she talked about how I wasn't alone caring for Mom, they were helping care for Mom, and the communication was very interesting--kind of symbolic, in ways--he was showing her pictures of things, and she would show them to me.
One of the things that had been very hard was that he did not believe in the afterlife and seemed to fear death. I told that to the medium, and she sort of snorted, and said, "Well, he was wrong, wasn't he." That made us both laugh.
I was also able to ask my grandmother something that I was very worried about, something having to do with her ashes, and she told the medium that it didn't matter what I did with them. (I ended up burying all of their ashes together, starting a new family plot.)
Like I said, it was very moving. I never felt as sad again after that about Dad, as I felt we had communicated, and I sensed his presence and his happiness and his excitement to see me--that was incredible, to feel him restored to how he had been as a much younger person. It was also very unexpected to see so many people and hear messages from them.
Don't regret not being at his side when your husband died. Your husband may have chosen that time to die to spare you actually seeing him die. There is a school of thought that some people prefer to die alone to spare their loved ones seeing the actual death.
"Hospice professionals know that companionship while dying is a personal preference. We have those patients who die in the middle of the night. We hear stories about the loved one who just stepped out for five minutes and the patient died. We may have even witnessed a quick death ourselves. I believe this happens by the patient's choice.
When my mom was on hospice and they said her death was close, I sat vigil with my mom throughout the night, sleeping in an uncomfortable recliner. I finally went home to take a shower and mom died when I was 10 minutes away from returning to the facility. I was racked with guilt. Years later when I was working in hospice, I reconciled what had happened after I observed many deaths where patient died after family stepped out.
It seems to happen most often when the patient is a parent. I believe it is a protective factor.
A patient might die when their loved one steps out of the room for just a minute or right before they arrive. It is gut wrenching for the family member if they’re not prepared for this possibility.
I noticed that the bereaved family members always had strong feelings of guilt for “not being there” when the patient died. They felt their physical absence was somehow a metaphorical representation that they were not emotionally there for the patient. They believe they failed the patient. This rarely is the case, but guilt is a difficult feeling to alleviate. Loved ones can harbor this self-imposed guilt for years after the death."
This above 100%. I was an Oncology Nurse for years and saw this first hand.
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