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When I was young my Dad told me I didn't have to go to my grandpa's funeral if I didn't want to, that it was fine to just grieve in my own way, remember him on my own, keep him in my memories.
I liked that idea and have always used that method of dealing with family and friends who passed on, even my mom and dad. I have explained to loved ones that I just don't "get" the need to go to a funeral and I refuse to go. I do not mean any disrespect but it's just not something I feel any need to do. And being an atheist I don't think it matters to the dead person at all. Some of the survivors may not like it.
The other factor is that even when I might have gone (?) I lived a 4-6 hour flight away from the deceased relative, and worked as an independent contractor who did not get paid if I took a day off. And people at work depended on me to not miss work. And until our recent era, "last minute" flying was also very expensive.
I imagine people here will tell me I'm a complete jerk for not going to funerals but that's not going to make me change my mind. I really am just wondering if anyone else out there in the world has this same philosophy that going to funerals is not necessary.
Another factor is that I am basically an "only child", my one sister being 8 years older than me and never having been a big part of the life of my younger sister who my dad had with his new wife.
Living away from all of my family most of my life was a choice I made early on mostly because I did not want to live in the state they all lived in. And partly because some of them were mentally insane (I won't say which ones.)
Maybe I'm crazy too. LOL.
Just curious if anyone else out there or anyone you know is like me in this way.
I am "old" now and so what's done is done, and if no one comes to my funeral I couldn't care less. I do have people who love me and vice versa. As far as I'm concerned my wife can feed me to the alligators when I pass. (I actually plan to donate my body to science or be cremated.)
The bottom line is I just don't get the whole funeral/viewing thing. Oh, I DiD go to one "viewing" once, and I found it weird. It didn't bother me, I just thought "Why??", "This is very odd." etc.
Many people get uncomfortable around death. My opinion is you show people your appreciation/fondness for them while they are alive. Funerals/wakes/viewings are to show your admiration for the decease and to support those left behind. I find them a good time to reconnect with people I maybe only see at funerals, weddings, etc. It can be a good reminder of what's important in life.
I don't think you're a jerk, but if someone dies who meant something to you, at least send a card to their relatives and write a bit about what the person meant to you. My husband died in June and the cards (not emails, not texts) meant almost as much as the presence at the funeral.
I don't think you're a jerk, but you should know how much it means to someone when you do show up. Has nothing to do with whether or not you are an atheist but rather it is a way to let your bereaved friends know you care about the loss they are experiencing. Yes, I agree, viewings are stupid. My brother insisted on a closed casket because he didn't want people gawking at his body when he was dead.
I have a friend who for a long time took the "I don't do funerals" stance. Apparently she lost an aunt young and the whole thing was so disturbing to her that she erected that wall. She called when my father died and said she would not be attending his funeral but asked if she could take me to lunch later that week, and she did.
I was there when my father died unexpectedly, and she listened to the story. Oddly, though, when I told her the lunch was nice because I would not have had much time to talk at the wake because the line of visitors was so long, she looked perplexed and asked who all the people were and why they were there.
I said he was active in his church and with veterans groups, and he was sort of a local war hero because he had been severely disabled in combat and just kept going and helped other disabled vets, so a lot of townspeople admired him and showed up to pay respects. She still seemed surprised that so many other people went to funeral home visitations as a matter of course.
I didn't hold her choice against her, though, and I really did appreciate the effort she made as a friend in another way by meeting up with me and just listening.
As a matter of fact, my own brother-in-law died in November. I am currently out of the country caring for my own terminally ill S.O., and travelling for a funeral and risking not being able to get back across a border afterward was going to be difficult. My sister completely understood. Instead, I am going to spend time with her when I am next free to travel.
Anyway, the point is to show compassion and caring at a difficult time. If you cannot or will not attend formal arrangements, find another way to let people know you care, if you do.
The family of the deceased do get comfort in people showing up, which is why I went to the funeral of my Aunts husband. he was a jerk, but she loved him, & was pleased I traveled a long way to go to the funeral. Funerals are really for those left behind. I always go to a family funeral if I am able to do so, it is a mark of respect. But that is my way of life, you do you.
The family of the deceased do get comfort in people showing up, which is why I went to the funeral of my Aunts husband. he was a jerk, but she loved him, & was pleased I traveled a long way to go to the funeral. Funerals are really for those left behind. I always go to a family funeral if I am able to do so, it is a mark of respect. But that is my way of life, you do you.
Yeah, I go if possible. I went to my first wake when I was 10. It was an 88-year-old lady we called Grandma, but she was really my great-aunt-by-marriage's mother. Still, she crocheted us blankets and gave us candy and we liked her. I was more curious about what a dead person looked like than anything else.
The only times I've really had difficulty were twice when it was a child who died, and then after 9/11 when there were just so many I knew dead and my head and heart were askew, so I went to my company memorial but no individual funerals.
Funerals are not for the dead, but for the living.....to support those left behind.
I have heard also that they are not for the dead, but that they are for those that need "closure". I don't think anyone that doesn't feel they need "closure" or even "support" should feel obligated or that in any way it is necessary to go. I am seeing fewer and fewer the funerals replaced by usually cremation and a private ceremony.
As a child, my brother and myself had to go with our parents to take Grandma and Grandpa to funerals. These were generally a couple of hours away to where they had resided when younger. I never really got it.
Viewers touching the deceased and talking about how well they were done up.
I remember viewing a two month old, born early, so not a two month old term baby. She was the daughter of one of my cousins. I was probably about 7 years old at the time, and the image is still clear in my head over 60 years later.
The saddest part about some of the funerals, especially that of my grandma's was that so many people showed up, and it didn't make a difference for grandma at that point. Grandma sat alone as a widow for a few years, and not one of those pawing her over and checking to see who sent flower had bothered to visit. I remember sitting there as a 13 year old thinking what a farce the whole thing was.
So, I am with the OP on this. Life is too short to do unnecessary things that make no sense to one. I was with Grandma when she could appreciate it.
The family of the deceased do get comfort in people showing up, which is why I went to the funeral of my Aunts husband. he was a jerk, but she loved him, & was pleased I traveled a long way to go to the funeral. Funerals are really for those left behind. I always go to a family funeral if I am able to do so, it is a mark of respect. But that is my way of life, you do you.
I try to attend the evening visitation, as often funerals are during the weekday and I can't leave my job for every funeral that occurs.
I really agree with you about the comfort in people showing up. I couldn't tell you what anyone said to me but I remember the names and the faces of those who came to support me and share in my loss.
I don't think you're a jerk, but you should know how much it means to someone when you do show up. Has nothing to do with whether or not you are an atheist but rather it is a way to let your bereaved friends know you care about the loss they are experiencing. Yes, I agree, viewings are stupid. My brother insisted on a closed casket because he didn't want people gawking at his body when he was dead.
I have a friend who for a long time took the "I don't do funerals" stance. Apparently she lost an aunt young and the whole thing was so disturbing to her that she erected that wall. She called when my father died and said she would not be attending his funeral but asked if she could take me to lunch later that week, and she did.
I was there when my father died unexpectedly, and she listened to the story. Oddly, though, when I told her the lunch was nice because I would not have had much time to talk at the wake because the line of visitors was so long, she looked perplexed and asked who all the people were and why they were there.
I said he was active in his church and with veterans groups, and he was sort of a local war hero because he had been severely disabled in combat and just kept going and helped other disabled vets, so a lot of townspeople admired him and showed up to pay respects. She still seemed surprised that so many other people went to funeral home visitations as a matter of course.
I didn't hold her choice against her, though, and I really did appreciate the effort she made as a friend in another way by meeting up with me and just listening.
As a matter of fact, my own brother-in-law died in November. I am currently out of the country caring for my own terminally ill S.O., and travelling for a funeral and risking not being able to get back across a border afterward was going to be difficult. My sister completely understood. Instead, I am going to spend time with her when I am next free to travel.
Anyway, the point is to show compassion and caring at a difficult time. If you cannot or will not attend formal arrangements, find another way to let people know you care, if you do.
We were raised going to funerals. Very large family. My older siblings even remember when the deceased would be kept at home for the viewing. It was a part of life. You are born and then you die.
Yes, very nice to see the people that show up - when my dad passed - I was surprised to see my co-workers there - meant a lot.
When my BIL passed, his fellow police officers took care of the arrangements and they had to use the school auditorium for the reception - so many people showed up. It comforted my sister.
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