I found my brother...now what? (birth, parents, meeting, kids)
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I found my adopted brother almost a year ago. He was adopted out because my father was in the Army and my mother was only 17 at the time. They were going through a divorce and he was conceived in an attempt at a reconciliation. Anyway, I found him after searching for 22 years. I was over the moon. We exchanged e mail addresses and became friends on Facebook. We e mailed a few times right away. His e mails were wonderfully written, long and fantastic to read. We shared a bit of information regarding why he was placed for adoption, our likes, dislikes, family life, etc. I thought things were going great. Then the e mails just stopped. I don't see him on FB any more except when he is tagged by someone else. He told me in the beginning that he was very overwhelmed and that he would need some time to process it all. (He learned that he had 3 younger 1/2 siblings in addition to me {he always new about me}. I also told him the details as I knew them as to why he was placed for adoption, sent him pictures of our parents, all at his request.) I totally understood the overwhelming feelings he was having and told him to take his time. I've e mailed him several times over the last several months but he hasn't replied at all. I'm really confused. He told me that he was so excited about being found and can't wait to get to know me more. He even told me in January that he predicts that we will meet some time this year. All the things he's written to me has given me hope. Now there is nothing.
Does anyone have any insight on this situation? Has anyone out there been found by their birth family? I would really like some insight as to the other side of this.
I still have dreams (literally) of meeting him as I have for all of my life. (Even before I was told about him when I was 19, I always just knew that I had a "brother" out in the world some where. I just felt it.) I know I will meet him someday.
*Note- I placed this same information as a reply on another thread. I put it here as it's own thread in hopes to get attention for my question.
all you can really do is to extend yourself to him in hopes he does want a relationship. let him know you don't mean to overwhelm him and hope he still want to get to know you. good luck
OP, it's a lot for him to process. I found out a few years ago that I had a half-sister I had never known existed; her bio dad abandoned her bio-mom (my mom) when my mom got pregnant. My half-sister was adopted by an amazing family and had a great life (actually a much more stable life than those of us who stayed with my mom had!). While she and I have a good relationship, she hasn't spoken to my mom (her bio-mom) in years. There's a lot that she has to process, and some things in her life, she blames on my bio-mom (probably correctly). She knows it's not completely rational to just avoid my mom, but feelings often aren't rational, especially about a situation as emotional as this.
Did your brother have a good life with his adoptive family? Is he resentful that he was "given up" for adoption (as it was called back then), then your parents went on to have other kids that they kept? (At least I THINK that's what you were describing, although I could have misunderstood, and now I see that some of his siblings are half-siblings ... so not sure.)
I found my adopted brother almost a year ago. He was adopted out because my father was in the Army and my mother was only 17 at the time. They were going through a divorce and he was conceived in an attempt at a reconciliation. Anyway, I found him after searching for 22 years. I was over the moon. We exchanged e mail addresses and became friends on Facebook. We e mailed a few times right away. His e mails were wonderfully written, long and fantastic to read. We shared a bit of information regarding why he was placed for adoption, our likes, dislikes, family life, etc. I thought things were going great. Then the e mails just stopped. I don't see him on FB any more except when he is tagged by someone else. He told me in the beginning that he was very overwhelmed and that he would need some time to process it all. (He learned that he had 3 younger 1/2 siblings in addition to me {he always new about me}. I also told him the details as I knew them as to why he was placed for adoption, sent him pictures of our parents, all at his request.) I totally understood the overwhelming feelings he was having and told him to take his time. I've e mailed him several times over the last several months but he hasn't replied at all. I'm really confused. He told me that he was so excited about being found and can't wait to get to know me more. He even told me in January that he predicts that we will meet some time this year. All the things he's written to me has given me hope. Now there is nothing.
Does anyone have any insight on this situation? Has anyone out there been found by their birth family? I would really like some insight as to the other side of this.
I still have dreams (literally) of meeting him as I have for all of my life. (Even before I was told about him when I was 19, I always just knew that I had a "brother" out in the world some where. I just felt it.) I know I will meet him someday.
*Note- I placed this same information as a reply on another thread. I put it here as it's own thread in hopes to get attention for my question.
I have 3 cousins who were found by their birth families. One set of twins whose alcoholic bio-mother found them, and at first they were very excited but came to realize she just wanted new people to borrow money from. Another was found by his birth siblings -- there were many and everyone was grown, many married with kids. He said it was like getting a set of in-laws -- an already made family and some he liked a big, some were so-so, and some he could live without. He maintains contact with some but not with others.
It would take time to feel any family bonds and he may also feel that you will try to push some family connection he really doesn't feel because he already has a family.
I think you should stay in touch with him but give him lots of space and time but don't push it because in reality, you are a stranger to him. You might want to make it clear that while you're excited to meet him, you understand that there's been no shared childhood or life with him and make sure he knows that anything beyond the first meeting will be up to how you both feel about things after the first meeting. Just make sure he realizes you don't have any real expectations of him or some instant close bond upon meeting.
I also know one woman whose father had another daughter she never knew about and she found out after her father came back into the picture -- conveniently after she was 18 and he didn't have to worry about child support. Then when she was planning her wedding, dad popped the news about the half sister on her and almost demanded she be the maid of honor or at least a bridesmaid. She met the half sister but didn't connect with her which angered the father. She holds nothing against the sister, but the sister was the result of the affair that broke her parents up and had her dad abandon she and her mother, she said she feels no emotional bond with her.
I have several half siblings I have never met. And really have no desire to meet. We are friends on FB. That is it.
Maybe he feels like me, and just does not want any complications in his life. It is not about you. Maybe he will call. He probably feels stress and ambivalence about contact, stress, because he procrastinated on following up, and ambivalent about how much he wants to deal with this "new" family. Give it time. Maybe he never wants any contact.
Last edited by jasper12; 08-12-2012 at 01:19 PM..
Reason: edit
I found my adopted brother almost a year ago. He was adopted out because my father was in the Army and my mother was only 17 at the time. They were going through a divorce and he was conceived in an attempt at a reconciliation. Anyway, I found him after searching for 22 years. I was over the moon. We exchanged e mail addresses and became friends on Facebook. We e mailed a few times right away. His e mails were wonderfully written, long and fantastic to read. We shared a bit of information regarding why he was placed for adoption, our likes, dislikes, family life, etc. I thought things were going great. Then the e mails just stopped. I don't see him on FB any more except when he is tagged by someone else. He told me in the beginning that he was very overwhelmed and that he would need some time to process it all. (He learned that he had 3 younger 1/2 siblings in addition to me {he always new about me}. I also told him the details as I knew them as to why he was placed for adoption, sent him pictures of our parents, all at his request.) I totally understood the overwhelming feelings he was having and told him to take his time. I've e mailed him several times over the last several months but he hasn't replied at all. I'm really confused. He told me that he was so excited about being found and can't wait to get to know me more. He even told me in January that he predicts that we will meet some time this year. All the things he's written to me has given me hope. Now there is nothing.
Does anyone have any insight on this situation? Has anyone out there been found by their birth family? I would really like some insight as to the other side of this.
I still have dreams (literally) of meeting him as I have for all of my life. (Even before I was told about him when I was 19, I always just knew that I had a "brother" out in the world some where. I just felt it.) I know I will meet him someday.
*Note- I placed this same information as a reply on another thread. I put it here as it's own thread in hopes to get attention for my question.
I have know I had a brother since a I was young, although all I was told lies. It has taken me a long time to find him. I knew his mother, and that she had married, but I was given the wrong last name. Feb 28, 2018 I was told the correct last name looked up the mom only to find her obituary which saddened me. I knew the mom as a child. I read the obit and started seeing names that were familiar, I was sure she was the mom. I then took a chance by going to Facebook to see if he had a page. Found who I thought was my brother, sent a message with enough details so he would not think I was playing a nasty prank on him. A few hours later, I got a message back from him. Indeed, I found my brother, was able to see pics of him and his family. Unfortunately this was a shock to him. He never knew that the his dad, them man that gave him his name, was not his real father. Both of his parents are deceased and so is our father, so we cannot confront them. However, he has family who knew the secret, and once he confronted them, they told him the name of his father. I have not heard from him for a week now. He has a lot on his plate and he has a lot to think about and try to digest. After all, at the age of 55, it has to be a shock finding out that the man you thought was your father, isn't your father, that you have a sister and brothers you never knew about. I don't know what the future holds for us. We msg right now through messenger since he isn't ready to talk by phone yet. We are lucky though, we only live 2 hours apart from each other so it is possible that we can meet in person someday without the hardships others often face because of distance between them. I am now 64, and have wanted to find his mom and him for a very, very long time. The secret is not a secret anymore. I have found my brother! If you are searching, never give up!
I would venture that it’s very possible/ probable it was triggering for him and brought up a lot. Give him some time and occasionally reach out even just to say your thinking of him
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