Adopting from foster care questions (birth, options, foster parents, biological)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been planning to adopt from foster care in the future. My goal is to start the process within the next 3-4 years once I'm done with my degree and is a bit more settled. This has been my plan for years and having been a foster kid myself adopting from the system has always been a given. However, the more I read the more I wonder if it's really something I should do. To be honest reading blogs from mothers of kids adopted from the system I get a bit scared that I will get myself into a situation that I can't handle. I wouldn't do anyone a favor taking on a kid who I can't properly care for and I know I couldn't do what's required for a kid with RAD or certain other conduct disorders/disabilities. I'm not looking for a "perfect" little white baby with curly hair and dimples. I have no problem dealing with disabilities or certain behavioral problems. I prefer to adopt an older kid (I'm thinking 5 to 9) and race is no issue. But I just couldn't deal with the constant mayhem of some of the families I read about - mothers who even say that they sometimes regret adopting their kids when things are really bad.
Since I know I can't handle these kinds of problems that so many of adoptable foster kids have would I be a fool to adopt from the system at all? Or is there any way to ensure that I get matched with a kid that I can effectively parent? I know that it can take a long time before attachment disorders become known so how can you possibly know what kind of problems a kid has before adoption?
I've been planning to do this for a long time so it's always been a decision I've already made. But now I'm starting to wonder. Would it be foolish to adopt an older child from foster care if you know you're not able to deal with these issues? Or is there a way to avoid it? I could use some input from others who are familiar with these kinds of adoptions.
I've been planning to adopt from foster care in the future. My goal is to start the process within the next 3-4 years once I'm done with my degree and is a bit more settled. This has been my plan for years and having been a foster kid myself adopting from the system has always been a given. However, the more I read the more I wonder if it's really something I should do. To be honest reading blogs from mothers of kids adopted from the system I get a bit scared that I will get myself into a situation that I can't handle. I wouldn't do anyone a favor taking on a kid who I can't properly care for and I know I couldn't do what's required for a kid with RAD or certain other conduct disorders/disabilities. I'm not looking for a "perfect" little white baby with curly hair and dimples. I have no problem dealing with disabilities or certain behavioral problems. I prefer to adopt an older kid (I'm thinking 5 to 9) and race is no issue. But I just couldn't deal with the constant mayhem of some of the families I read about - mothers who even say that they sometimes regret adopting their kids when things are really bad.
Since I know I can't handle these kinds of problems that so many of adoptable foster kids have would I be a fool to adopt from the system at all? Or is there any way to ensure that I get matched with a kid that I can effectively parent? I know that it can take a long time before attachment disorders become known so how can you possibly know what kind of problems a kid has before adoption?
I've been planning to do this for a long time so it's always been a decision I've already made. But now I'm starting to wonder. Would it be foolish to adopt an older child from foster care if you know you're not able to deal with these issues? Or is there a way to avoid it? I could use some input from others who are familiar with these kinds of adoptions.
I've always got the impression that the most successful adoptions from foster care are those where the foster carers have cared for the child for a while as a foster family and then, if TPR happens, they eventually adopt the child. Of course, in these cases, the family are a foster family first, rather than foster to adopt families. Have you ever thought of fostering first rather than adoption? From what I've seen of your posts, you strike me as someone who might do well at fostering.
The other thing I've heard is that sibling groups can sometimes have less problems even though there are more children, presumably because the reason they aren't being adopted is because of the number of children rather than because of an individual problems.
Btw I am not trying to turn you off adoption into fostering because of anything to do with adoption per se, I am also pointing out that, in general, if TPR does eventually end up happening for a child, the foster family usually gets first choice.
My brother & I were adopted as infants (healthy white babies) & we both had what would be labeled as RAD & probably ADHD today. I had mainly attachment issues, while my older a-bro acted out violently from a very early age.
Just letting you know when you adopt you should always be prepared for a child who will have major emotional needs. Being from fostercare yourself you might have the ability to relate to older children on a level many foster parents can't. Don't be discouraged, just be as prepared as you can. Any kid who has lost their family for any reason will need lots of love, consistency, & understanding.
As the birthmother of son and an adopted mother of a son adopted as an infant with DS, I can assure you that issues of any child can NEVER be predicted. I am thinking that you may want to wait to adopt, join some adoption groups, consider foster care, etc. and become familiar with parenting in general before leaping into a permanent situation with a child. I really feel if there are issues that one might have with a child that they feel they could not handle, this isn't being realistic about what a parent is or does. Parenting any child, especially in the world today, is an ever changing challenge. Take it slow. Maybe volunteer with something like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Get to know kids.
I'm very aware that any kid, biological or adopted, can have any kind of problem. I also know that kids adopted from foster care are more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems. Even a child with no problems at all can have an accident today and be paralyzed tomorrow and you deal with it. I have both volunteered with and worked with kids (I used to work in a daycare) so I think I know kids fairly well, including kids with emotional and behavioral problems. I was a kid with behavioral and emotional problems and I've known many others. I'm prepared for dealing with all of that, as prepare as you can be I guess. But I know that parenting a kid with severe mental illness is extremely hard, so hard that some adoptive parents go so far as to unadopt their kids, and if I can avoid those kinds of severe problems I think I should. I don't agree that someone is unfit to be a parent because they recognize that some things are more than they can handle. I can handle problems. I don't think I'm the right person to handle the most troubled kids. Most people aren't actually. It would be foolish to say that I will take on anything. I wouldn't be doing myself, my family or the child a favor to bite off more than I can chew if I can avoid it on the front end.
I used to live in a foster home with a little boy, Alex, who I now think probably had RAD or a similar disorder. He could be very aggressive and would rage like no one else. His room had almost nothing in it because he would break it and could hurt himself. But between rages he was a really sweet kid and a lot of fun. And although the rages were bad he could be handled. Holding him and talking to him actually worked wonders. It was very possible to get through to him and he thrived on attention. I could definitely deal with a kid like Alex. He was manageable even though he was difficult.
But based on what I'm reading about from mothers of "trauma kids" there are kids that are ten times worse than Alex. Kids who will stab the family dog, sodomize younger kids, masturbate in public at any time, tries to poison their mothers, smears feces all over themselves and their room, pees in the laundry basket, sets fires, only shows love or affection if it serves to manipulate, etc. Kids with severe problems like that need to be parented by experts and I'm not one. I disagree that admitting that you can't deal with such severe problems makes you unrealistic about parenting. In fact I think it's being realistic. I think it's wise to recognize that you can't handle anything and that the love and support you have to offer isn't always enough.
A lot of the parents who have disrupted adoptions or sent their kids to residential treatment centers now say they were naive and thought that love and understanding would be enough and that they could handle anything. Many of them say that had they known what they know now they wouldn't have adopted that particular kid. They, and other adoption professionals, advice future adoptive parents that they recognize their limitations, that love doesn't conquer all and be clear about what they can and cannot take on. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying not to be naive. There are residential treatment centers and therapeutic foster homes for a reason and that is because many parents can't handle everything. Recognizing that you can't handle anything is not only the best for yourself but for the child too. If a child needed complex medical procedures I wouldn't be helping that child if I adopted him knowing that I couldn't perform those procedures. That child would probably be better off with someone who has medical training. The same goes for a child with severe mental illness. I would be doing the child a disservice if I took them on knowing that I may not be the best person to handle all their problems.
I have been researching this for a long time and many websites and books recommend that you are honest with yourself and the adoption workers about what you can take on. I'm trying to follow that advice.
What I don't understand is how anyone is going to be able to judge what problems an adopted child might develop. I can see if a child is already exhibiting the problems but what if they develop later on? I get really tired of people telling me that they could never parent a child like our son that we adopted and find it really offensive because it just seems such a put down for our son. Although he was born with DS, that is not the biggest challenge that he has presented. So, we adopted him and were never expecting the other problems. So, while I agree that you can fill out the laundry list of conditions that you will accept, that may not bring the results that you are hoping for. Also, unless it has changed, the agencies sometimes REALLY want to get a child placed and tend to down play issues so aware of that.
I think you're completely misunderstanding what I'm trying to say. I haven't said that I could never parent a child like your son. I'm sorry if you interpreted it that way but that's not at all what I'm saying.
. I am thinking that you may want to wait to adopt, join some adoption groups, consider foster care, etc. and become familiar with parenting in general before leaping into a permanent situation with a child. I really feel if there are issues that one might have with a child that they feel they could not handle, this isn't being realistic about what a parent is or does.
It's situations like the ones described below that I'm worried about. Nobody seem to be able to handle it and even go so far as to dump the kid with social services and go to jail rather than continue to parent the child. If they can't handle it and get PTSD from it what should make me think that I can? I frankly think that if you feel like you can handle any issue with a child you are definitely not being realistic.
Quote:
I feel your pain!!! I have a 5 year old adopted boy that just tried to choke my 4 year old adopted daughter. My biological son (9) had to hit him off of her b/c he wasn't stopping. He said he wanted to kill her. I just stepped outside for 2 minutes. I don't understand him. He is so manic all of the time. He NEVER listens and he is absolutely going to try to kill one of us again. My husband and I just keep saying to the "Professionals" does he have to kill one of us to be heard. I don't want him anymore. I have 3 other kids to take care of and I have neglected them b/c of him. I have been told we would be slapped with abandonment if we tried to disrupt the adoption. Does anyone have any advice? I am so tired of him ruining our lives! I want a happy family and that's not ever going to happen. He has no remorse or empathy for anything and I know he is only going to get worse. He has tricked 3 therapists and 2 of the are RAD Experts. I am so ready for a normal life again. Not one that I dread. I hate my life and I really don't know how to love him. His biological brother and sister and my bio kid are my babies...he is just my child (that I fear). How bad is it when I have to lock his doors at night b/c he may attack us. He lies non-stop - I have no trust with him at all. I just know he will become a sociopath. Please...I want to know has anyone's RAD child gotten past it? I have been told Chase has too many times. I am ready to throw in the towel and I need help. I can't have him hurting or killing anyone and that's what is in the future for my family. HELP!!!
Quote:
I feel you. We just moved to Colorado to check out the Institute for Attachment, but we really can't afford it.
This is honestly my last ditch effort and then I am going to relinquish my parental rights. Do not let the State threaten you. Call the state from which you adopted and let them know that due to their negligence in letting you know of this child's pre-existing mental condition that you are relinquishing. They will try to threaten you because they don't want the child back. Just do it and be done. That's where I am right now. My goal is peace, happiness and safety, all of which have been stolen from me.
And before anyone cries about the poor little adopted child not being disposable, I would like everyone to remember that it is in the child's best interest to be in a home where the tools are available so that the child can THRIVE. No one who is in fear of their safety is in a good position to parent.
It is what it is...
So, I've read this entire thread and I have to say that it's been a roller coaster. There were the ups because it is sooooo nice to see that there are other people out there that are going through the same thing as I am (you know, it's hell trying to explain to everyone that you're NOT crazy but your sweet little angel child is... well... disturbed and disturbing). But then there's the plummet back down when you realise that these kids don't really get better and never become like typical kids, the parents simply learn coping and survival skills.
Most of us took them from the state to do a good will. Now they won't even help with respite and when we get burnt out to a crisp and try to return the little buggers, the state actually threatens us with abandonment. Really???? 'Cause I'M feeling pretty abandoned right now! I have 80% fewer friends because they think I'm nuts. I have locks on my doors and booby traps throughout my house to keep myself safe from a scary little 5 and 8 year old. My beloved dog was beaten, my aquatic turtles were poisoned, my brother's dog was poisoned... I can barely sleep because they won't (like in the zombie movies. you're so tired but you stay up waiting for them to fall asleep because you fear for your life! And they're not budging...).
That stupid RAD checklist? Those aren't symptoms; they're my daughters personality traits. For my oldest, lying is an Olympic sport that she spends time perfecting. She does it for shock value. She tells lies that other people believe because really, what child would make up such things!? And, then, she turns around and tells the truth... for shock value. She had a very young and trusting (not-too-bright) psychiatrist. When she confessed in a monotone voice to a couple of things she did, he beamed and was proud of her and told me (in front of her), "at least she's honest. That's very important right there!" So what did she do? Did she get better from this clown's treatment and positive encouragement? NO!!!!!!!!!! She got worse. After that, she started doing worse things just so she could 'confess' them in therapy. She loved the attention and shock value. She loved 'therapy'.
I hate my life. I am miserable. I have to face the awful choice of living in hell and dying early from stress, trauma, poisoning, or whatever they come up with, or terminating my rights to children that I tried desperately to reach without support.
I am grateful that I have a few friends that have stuck with me until they could see for themselves. One of my guy friends who originally thought my daughters were the most adorable princesses on the planet says that my kids behaviors are what scary movie plots are written about. He calls my house the Radish Patch. Yup... I adopted Cabbage Patch kids and ended up with little Radish Patch monsters.
Sorry for the rant... I want to love them. I do. But how? How do you love someone who is waiting for you to fall asleep so they can poison you?
So, to get back to the original point - the reason for this thread - I know that I'm no better than these other parents and would not do anyone a favor, including the child, by adopting a child with this severe kind of RAD. I'd be a total idiot if I believed otherwise. Some of these parents say that anyone would be a fool to adopt older kids from foster care because the risk that you would be living in a living hell is too big. Is that true? Is there any way to figure out if a child has these kinds of issues early on? Or is it a toss up? How can you get accurate info when case workers sometimes omit things? What should you look for? Any insight would be appreciated.
If you think you would possibly want to adopt from fostercare, the best thing to do is to be a foster parent first. If the child becomes available for adoption, you would likely have the best chance of adopting if you wanted. Being as you would already know this child, you would have a good idea if you could deal with that child or not. You must always remember that the child could easily go back to its biological parent/parents and that can be heartbreaking, but that is a part of the process.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
