Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ok, I want to have "REAL" talk with adoptive parents (especially adoptive mothers). I am a mother to an adopted child and a biological child. If it weren't for my daughter's birth mother choosing an adoption plan (and subsequently me to parent her baby), I wouldn't be my daughter's mother...PERIOD. My daughter's birth mom is a REAL person. She already is a mother to older children. She is my daughter's FIRST mother. She may not be parenting my daughter, but she is and will FOREVER be HER biological mother (NOT me).
When my daughter was born, her BIOLOGICAL mother's name was on the original birth certificate. Once the adoption was finalized, we petitioned for an updated birth certificate with our names listed as her mother and father. But we still have the original birth certificate. My daughter wasn't born from an invisible person who magically gave birth to her. It was a woman who loved her, carried her for 9 months and chose an adoption plan so her baby could have a better life. Her mother, OUR child....we are BOTH mother's.
This hold true for ALL children who were adopted. They ALL have biological mothers (and fathers). How dare any adoptive parent disrespect their child's first mother??? It's like telling your child that their heritage, their lineage, their "being" doesn't count, and doesn't matter!!! We as adoptive parents were blessed with raising another woman's child. I thank god every day that my daughter's birth mother didn't abort her pregnancy and chose adoption instead.
I am still in contact with my daughter's birth mom (eight years later). We both respect each other's privacy. We decided long ago that we would BOTH do whatever is best for our little girl. If my daughter ever wants to meet her in the future, I have her birth mother's SS#, her birth date, her address, phone # and a number of other personal information so that I can ALWAYS find her.
Please do not look at your child's birth mom's as the "enemy." I know from first hand experience (my daughter's birth mom, and a friend of mine who is also a birth mom) that these women want the best for their children. They are unable to care for them, or provide for them the best life. So they chose adoption as the best option. Bless them, thank them, pray for them. These are women who did (in my opinion) one of the most courageous acts of a mother's love by terminating their parental rights to their baby for another family to raise.
My daughter wasn't born from an invisible person who magically gave birth to her. It was a woman who loved her, carried her for 9 months and chose an adoption plan so her baby could have a better life. Her mother, OUR child....we are BOTH mother's.
This hold true for ALL children who were adopted. They ALL have biological mothers (and fathers). How dare any adoptive parent disrespect their child's first mother??? It's like telling your child that their heritage, their lineage, their "being" doesn't count, and doesn't matter!!!
I'm glad that you have such a warm and close relationship with your daughter's birth mother. I think if I were adopting that is the path I would choose as well. However, after what I've read on this board, I'll point out that:
Not all birth mothers love their babies like yours did
Some adopted children do not have the warm and fuzzies about their biological mother/parents, and if they want to sever the relationship or otherwise "disrespect" a biological parent, that is their right
I'm glad that you have such a warm and close relationship with your daughter's birth mother. I think if I were adopting that is the path I would choose as well. However, after what I've read on this board, I'll point out that:
Not all birth mothers love their babies like yours did
Some adopted children do not have the warm and fuzzies about their biological mother/parents, and if they want to sever the relationship or otherwise "disrespect" a biological parent, that is their right
This is very true. As far as "disrespecting a biological parent", I was talking about adoptive mother's who seemingly want to dismiss the fact that they exist. I wasn't directing it towards adoptees. Of course you can't lump everyone's experiences into one generalization. Thankfully, my experiences with adoption have been very fulfilling and positive.
I have an awesome relationship with my birth mother. Her family IS my family. My 'forever' family lasted about 30 years. The only one I even talk to is my a-bro.
This is very true. As far as "disrespecting a biological parent", I was talking about adoptive mother's who seemingly want to dismiss the fact that they exist. I wasn't directing it towards adoptees. Of course you can't lump everyone's experiences into one generalization. Thankfully, my experiences with adoption have been very fulfilling and positive.
I have an awesome relationship with my birth mother. Her family IS my family. My 'forever' family lasted about 30 years. The only one I even talk to is my a-bro.
I am glad you have an awesome relationship with your birth mom! Of course her family if your family. My husband had a horrible relationship with his adoptive family. As soon as his mother had her "own" biological children, she treated my husband like crap. Long story. But he hasn't spoken to his adoptive family in over 16 years.
This is very true. As far as "disrespecting a biological parent", I was talking about adoptive mother's who seemingly want to dismiss the fact that they exist. I wasn't directing it towards adoptees. Of course you can't lump everyone's experiences into one generalization. Thankfully, my experiences with adoption have been very fulfilling and positive.
I'm not sure if anyone is dismissing the fact of a birth parent's existence, at least on these forums. I think that all the adoptive parents on this forum have recognized the birth parents in one way or another. Some have very open relationships with the birth parents like you have. Other situations like ours, the birthparents were neglectful, dangerous, and did not have the welfare of their children in their minds. They lost their right to parent. I would also say that our adoption experiences have been fulfilling and positive but my circumstances are very different from yours. For my daughter's welfare and safety, I hope that she doesn't make contact but that is her decision to make as an adult.
I will say that in spite of severe abuse and neglect, I will never "disrespect" their birthparents or deny their existence. That is just silly. I also find these "real" mother, family, etc debates tiring. In my mind, there is a biological family and then there is us, their family.
I'm not sure if anyone is dismissing the fact of a birth parent's existence, at least on these forums. I think that all the adoptive parents on this forum have recognized the birth parents in one way or another. Some have very open relationships with the birth parents like you have. Other situations like ours, the birthparents were neglectful, dangerous, and did not have the welfare of their children in their minds. They lost their right to parent. I would also say that our adoption experiences have been fulfilling and positive but my circumstances are very different from yours. For my daughter's welfare and safety, I hope that she doesn't make contact but that is her decision to make as an adult.
I will say that in spite of severe abuse and neglect, I will never "disrespect" their birthparents or deny their existence. That is just silly.
Just my two cents as an adoptive parent.
Addressing the bolded part of your post. Very intellectually honest, and wish that more adoptive parents despite their children's first parents shortcomings, felt as you do. To disrespect the child's birthparents is to disrespect the child, imho. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to make contact because she may become harmed by it, but I sure respect that you will not influence her right to make contact with them as an adult. I know you will support her no matter what.
To the OP- funny, I never would have guessed your point of view about BM due to a reply you posted on another thread. Oh well.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
