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I think how you deal with these comments depends greatly on your relationship with the person. I had an extended family member tell me once that she couldn't imagine parenting "someone's throw away baby". At my kitchen table. And just yesterday, several years have passed since this incident (and several years of infertility and maturity later) I get an email from her saying she wanted to talk to me. Apparently, they are considering adoption now. I remember when she made the comment about throw away babies; and I wanted to jump across my table and strangle her (yeah, I'm a little sensitive!) but instead took an educational approach that was based on empathy and understanding of the various reasons birthmothers place their children. I guess that moment could have been very bad but whatever I said left an impact on them.
Some comments are absolute hate based but others are ignorance. It's good to know the difference and then decide what my role going forward will be and what impact I hope to leave with my words/actions.
I agree that there is a big difference between ignorance and racial jokes. It's also true that some adoptive parents are too sensitive.
That was one of my thoughts too along with one is usually like the group of friends that they keep. She admits that she is not always that politically correct but now that she is a mother of these children, at this point, she draws the line at anything that might be offensive to the "Chinese". Ah, I can't exactly pat her on the back and tell her "Good job." She is the type would make a comment to someone else that she didn't want to end up with a child like ours (son with DS) and that is why she adopted from China. And, making a wild guess based on people like this, she would never, ever, ever consider any child of color from the US.
She didn't exactly see the error of her ways. I think a really good quality for a prospective adoptive parent is realizing the importance of "politically correct". To me, I don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel uncomfortable about who they are or where they came from but then, that's just me.
You ARE aware that numerous Americans have adopted Chinese kids with Down syndrome, aren't you? Just check out Reece's Rainbow families, many of whom are currently traveling in or have recently traveled to China to adopt kids with DS or other special needs. And that's just current adoptions, not those who've done the same in past years.
I think your "wild guess" is more than a little presumptuous, and see nothing in the article which would indicate that the author adopted from China in order to avoid adopting an American children with Down syndrome.
Not so much with Down syndrome but children of color which is what predominately available in the US. Adopting from China just seems different than when it was with other countries.
And, we are just discussing this woman who admits that she isn't always that politically correct. I know the type. I have seen it. When suddenly it might reflect on them politically correct becomes important but, then again, only in that particular venue. I guess the upside is that she already knows the kinds of things that people will say because she used to be one of them.
However, although racial insensitivity was never an issue with us, I was sensitive about adoption in a different way, when both of my (adopted) kids had elementary school assignments to write and tell about their heritage, including ancestry, why their parents chose their names, etc.
My kids (half siblings) were four and six when we adopted them, and their birth parents were horrible (or to use the PC verbiage, "they had made some very bad choices"). Their never married bio mom was a drug addicted felon who had SEVERELY neglected them, my daughter's bio father was in prison for multiple counts of statutory rape, and my son's bio father was was a ne'er-do-well drug addict. Nevertheless, the older child (my daughter) had attached to her bio mom and had severe trauma at being removed from her bio mom and didn't bond with me until she was about 20 years old. (She left our home as soon as she could when she was 18 to go back to her bio mom, and ended up a single mom and in jail for shoplifting and assault. It was only after a couple of years of VERY hard knocks that she realized exactly why her bio mom had lost custody, and reopened communication with my husband and me.)
Anyway, requiring the children to write about their heritage, etc. was about the worst thing their teachers could have done because it was another reminder of what they had lost and because I was helpless to help my kids with any facts about their heritage -- I could not even put a positive spin as to what good people their bio parents were to give their kids up so they could have a better life because their bio mom fought the adoption with everything she had. Her letters to them were mostly full of hate for us and "the system" to the point that I had to severely edit the letters when I read them to the kids when they were small, and I often had to send them back to her to rewrite after they were old enough to read them for themselves.)
It would have been so much better if the teachers could have given the kids a choice of assignments, such as "My Heritage"or"What Makes Me a Special Person." By ripping open wounds caused by their bio-parents, the teachers did our family a great deal of harm.
Or maybe I was and am just too sensitive, also?
Every teacher that I know who does a heritage activity usually expects the child to do the activity with their parents, that is their adoptive parents, not their former or biological parents. Meaning they would write about you and your family . And even if you were adopted as well, you would write about your parents (the people who adopted and raised you).
I've been in education for 30 plus years and I have never seen any teacher who expected adopted children to write about their biological parents instead of the parents who adopted them and were raising them. However, maybe it was different because your children were adopted when they were old enough to remember their biological parents.
However, if this was a specific problem for your family you should have requested an alternative assignment from the teacher. I am sorry that happened to your family.
Children who were adopted for another country sometimes voluntarily would do activities related to that country but it is usually (probably almost always) separate from any family tree activity (who are your parents, grandparents and great-grandparents).
Every teacher that I know who does a heritage activity usually expects the child to do the activity with their parents, that is their adoptive parents, not their former or biological parents. Meaning they would write about you and your family . And even if you were adopted as well, you would write about your parents (the people who adopted and raised you).
I've been in education for 30 plus years and I have never seen any teacher who expected adopted children to write about their biological parents instead of the parents who adopted them and were raising them. However, maybe it was different because your children were adopted when they were old enough to remember their biological parents.
However, if this was a specific problem for your family you should have requested an alternative assignment from the teacher. I am sorry that happened to your family.
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Thank you for contributing a teacher's viewpoint.
I have to keep reminding myself that when MOST people think of adoption, they think of infant adoption. (Please, anyone, correct me if I am wrong.) As noted elsewhere in this thread and other threads, my kids were three and five when they entered our home, and we adopted them a year later. Although my son lost all conscious memory of his bio mom within a year or two (we think), our daughter remembered her very clearly all though her life. (As I mentioned, she reconnected with her bio mom when she was 18 -- a disaster, btw.) As the kids knew their first and middle names very well when we met them, we did not change them, but I have no idea why their names were chosen. My daughter was also aware that she was not related "by blood" to my husband and myself, so she probably -- I'm just guessing now -- would have realized that my husband's and my ancestry would not really apply to her -- or her brother. (Btw, my daughter was VERY influential to her brother, always.)
However, that being said, yes, you are absolutely correct that I could have and probably should have said something to the teacher about an alternate assignment. My thinking at the time was not to create any more trouble for their teachers or ask them to give my kids any more 'special treatment', as they already received quite enough 'special treatment' from their teachers as it was. (Oh, and in case I did not say this before, MOST of their teachers were heroes in my eyes!) In retrospect, though, I think I was probably wrong not to ask for one more concession.
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