Stalking By Birth Families? (birth mother, parents, children)
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I am not sure that my title fits perfectly but for lack of a better word, I chose "stalking". This isn't trying to go through an agency to make some kind of contact, which I would be comfortable with, but more lurking in the shadows.
Our son was adopted as an infant 28 years ago through a private agency. He has Down syndrome. The birth parents signed documents in front of a judge when he was 10 days old. I had heard from the birth mother through the agency when he was 2 and she wanted a photo and update on his progress which I provided.
Not going into great detail, it appears that his birth sister now is aware of his existence. Our house is on the market and yesterday, the realtor that she used and had written a glowing report concerning his services, drove with a couple that arrived to see our house from over 2 hours away from the city where we adopted our son.
We were in the house, it was an early showing and they commented how friendly our crated dogs seemed. I knew an out-of-town realtor would be showing but did not know it was that town.
Through the internet, I am 100% sure that there is a connection. Because of serious mental health issues in the family, I was always more cautious than others might be since the birth family had located within 5 blocks of us at one time which I learned from the internet happily after we had relocated to another state.
When the birth mother had asked for the photo and update, they had moved within 30 minutes of our house and the agency told us that to be on the safe side, maybe have him wearing a hat and not too identifying of location. I know the agency had a long talk with birth mother on that visit.
As I have said, if the family wanted to make contact openly, I would be receptive to that. I have great concerns because our son functions at the 40 month level and many don't understand how that works with an adult. I am afraid they might abduct him. We are legal guardians now that he is an adult. I think I might call an agency here in the state that deals with disability law.
I have emailed the our realtor here and briefly explained our situation and what I suspect.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone know what they might be thinking on their end?
This just sounds paranoid. Some people came to your house and commented on how friendly your dogs are, so that means they plan to abduct your 28-year-old son? If they are related to your son, maybe they are being nosey (nothing illegal), but to think they are planning an abduction goes overboard, IMO.
perhaps the other way to go is have the agency get in touch with the birth mother and give her an update on how he is doing along with a picture. you can explain how he deals with other adults and the difficulties he encounters. maybe their curiosity would be quenched if indeed they are looking for him.
This just sounds paranoid. Some people came to your house and commented on how friendly your dogs are, so that means they plan to abduct your 28-year-old son? If they are related to your son, maybe they are being nosey (nothing illegal), but to think they are planning an abduction goes overboard, IMO.
Did you read the entire thread and understand anything beyond "nice doggy"?
There is a reason the origianl poster is concerned and should be concerned.
Original poster: I think it is a good idea to be extra cautious however, I would ask the realtor for the names of everyone who is coming to see your home so you have a chance to check them and see if they are related or if you by chance know them from the other town as friends of the birth family.
You might also think about having someone you know personally be there with the realtor when they show the home, a video over everyone who walks in the front door and a conversation with your realtor about appropriate questions to answer and anything that is not regarding the home itself is off limits.
Did you read the entire thread and understand anything beyond "nice doggy"?
There is a reason the origianl poster is concerned and should be concerned.
Original poster: I think it is a good idea to be extra cautious however, I would ask the realtor for the names of everyone who is coming to see your home so you have a chance to check them and see if they are related or if you by chance know them from the other town as friends of the birth family.
You might also think about having someone you know personally be there with the realtor when they show the home, a video over everyone who walks in the front door and a conversation with your realtor about appropriate questions to answer and anything that is not regarding the home itself is off limits.
You get it! Your suggestions are the kind of thing I was looking for. I'm not wanting to give the details as to why I am sure of the connection and just who all would be involved. It is definitely not paranoid. We were lucky to get a lot of information on the birth parents to draw from.
I doubt the birth mother has been in contact with the new agency that maintains the records. She only contacted the other once in 15 years.
I have emailed the realtor but will talk with him. We worked with him buying and now selling so we all know one another well enough to share needed information.
Because of social media, lots of information is just there for the taking. It is actually amazing what people share on the internet. Treasure trove of info.
Maybe I am not getting it, but it seems to me that if they were planning to abduct him, they would have done so a long time ago. I have never heard of a 28-year-old being kidnapped by a birth parent. I know you said there are mental health issues, but WHY would they even do that?
Again, sorry if I am missing something important here.
Maybe I am not getting it, but it seems to me that if they were planning to abduct him, they would have done so a long time ago. I have never heard of a 28-year-old being kidnapped by a birth parent. I know you said there are mental health issues, but WHY would they even do that?
Again, sorry if I am missing something important here.
Yes, you are missing something important but it is because it isn't here. There was a a major life change recently in their family. Our son is now an adult and previously, the family was forbidden from searching for him per the adoption agreement since he was a child. We also were out-of-state some years. Our son doesn't have any speech and he would go with anyone that asked him to. We would probably never find him since he could never tell anyone what happened. So, what would be their purpose in staying in the shadows versus contacting the agency to see if they would be able to arrange to meet him or asking for photos and updates? This doesn't seem like normal behavior to me. What do they want? They could have learned a lot more from an update and a photo.
Keep in mind that our son functions at the 40 month level of functioning so it makes the situation a little more unique. And, the mental illness is one that is severe, the kind that requires inpatient treatment sometimes. The birth mother lost custody of the other child she had and they have just been reunited. She did voluntarily give up our son.
Did you read the entire thread and understand anything beyond "nice doggy"?
You bet I did, I was just highlighting why I thought the whole paranoid theory that someone was going to abduct her 28 year old son was off-base. When you are worried about such a thing you don't mention what the potential abductors said about your dogs! And who is stalking whom? Looks like the OP has been stalking the family of her adopted son. She has been gathering a lot of information on these people.
You bet I did, I was just highlighting why I thought the whole paranoid theory that someone was going to abduct her 28 year old son was off-base. When you are worried about such a thing you don't mention what the potential abductors said about your dogs! And who is stalking whom? Looks like the OP has been stalking the family of her adopted son. She has been gathering a lot of information on these people.
I realize some birth mothers just basically forget about the children they give up and go on with their life. In this case, we got a lot of information about the birth parents, their families, medical history, profiles that the birth parents filled out about themselves and their birth families. This wasn't a drop the kid and run deal. The birth parents also got extensive information about us with the exception of our names and exact location which makes it interesting that they moved quite a distance to live within 5 blocks of us at one time to a town that most people would never consider. Yeah, they messed up with doing that.
What they said about the dogs, that they were friendly, didn't seem like a big deal until I looked up the realtor, from 2 hours away from our town, and saw that the birth sister (information about her birth came in the update exchange that was made through the agency) had 1 of the 4 reviews written on that particular agent. At that point, I verified that it was her, which it was. Do you have any idea the kinds of information that would be important if you were going in the house to take a person out? I'm guessing it is very obvious that you don't have a clue. Little do people realize that anyone looking like they might touch my son would be VERY surprised at the personality change in both of the dogs. I found the chow mix between him and the UPS man at the door and she was holding the UPS man from my son. Seriously, anyone entering our house without authorization will have a lot more than the dogs to worry about.
The birth parents went against the terms of the adoption agreement early on which broke the trust. Trust is important.
So, in conclusion, yes, some birth parents give up their kids without another thought and hope the child never seeks them out. Others attempt to find their children, just read a story about some poor woman who was stalked by her birth mother non-stop. Some children want to meet their birth parents and some don't really give it a thought. There is a variety of situations. Since I familiar with our situation and you are not...........
I would do anything to protect my son. Good mothers do that.
As I have said, if the family wanted to make contact openly, I would be receptive to that.
Do they know that they you would be receptive to them making contact openly? They may sense your worries and perhaps just be checking things out before making contact.
When I decided to make contact with bfamily, I "checked them out" via 1) Facebook and 2) Google Maps. I had their addresses from electoral rolls (easily found via obituaries for my bmom, bgrandmother and bgrandfather). The addresses were because I'd been planning to send a letter to one of my uncles (but wasn't sure how to approach them). In the end, I contacted them via a genealogy society (which turned out to be the best approach).
Making contact is actually quite scary. It is possible that they are trying to get a "sense" of who you are before making contact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse
So, in conclusion, yes, some birth parents give up their kids without another thought and hope the child never seeks them out. Others attempt to find their children, just read a story about some poor woman who was stalked by her birth mother non-stop. Some children want to meet their birth parents and some don't really give it a thought. There is a variety of situations. Since I familiar with our situation and you are not...........
For many bmothers, it is somewhere in between and is more complex than just "forgotten about" or "stalkers". They were indeed expected to just disappear and forget about their children and different bmothers had different ways of dealing with that expectation.
I read an article from the 70s once which said that for many bmothers, they both look forward to and dread the day they are contacted - that is a feeling that as an adoptee I understand - I both hoped my bmother would make contact but dreaded that day as well. It is all to do with the great unknown. In the end, I discovered that she passed away while I was a teenager. Now that I know more about her, I think I would have liked to have known her; while she was an "abstract concept", I was unsure.
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