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Although my adoption was over 43 years ago, I consider myself very lucky. It was a completely private adoption. The biological mother of my son was not interested in taking care of him but didn't know what to do with him. He weighed 8 lb. 6 oz. when born but 5 lb. 2 oz. when I got him at 6 weeks old. He had been left completely alone for as much as 13 hours. I appeared before a judge and she relinquished all rights as well as the judge giving me temporary guardianship. He was about 3 years old before I completed the adoption because I was so afraid. I am a lesbian but was living alone at the time. I was a teacher and at that time they could revoke your certificate for even discussing homosexuality in your classroom.
The judge was pretty taken aback because I was single and had forgotten to order the home study. My lawyer convinced him to let the counselor at my school do it. Wasn't I lucky?
It was hard. My son had many problems but love conquered all.
I am telling you this to encourage you. Things have a way of working out. Be positive with everyone you meet. Just let them know how much you want a child and the ways you think you could be good parents.
Good luck!
Yes, you were lucky! I am sure that you were and are a devoted mom.
Your experience will vary because your circumstances, your situation, your family is different than anyone else. The best advice here so far is to be open with the social workers. They are in a profession that is incredibly difficult and they are trying desperately (in most cases) to do what is best for children that need a permanent home and loving family. They need to know you and your spouse are capable and willing to care for children that will have issues and challenges whether adopted or natural born.
Generally speaking, public agencies are less restrictive than private agencies, which are often (not always) tied to religious or fraternal organizations. Public agencies are restricted from posing barriers that are or can be interpreted as discriminatory. Also, public agencies can typically offer their services for far less cost (our adoptions cost $0 out of pocket) than any private agency.
I also want to address one other point that was made earlier. The statement that adopting through a public agency is open and you have to deal with the birth parents may or may not be true for that individual, but is not generally the case. It varies. In many cases, including ours, the termination of parental rights is just that. There is no guarantee of visitation, contact, or any type of updates on the children to the parents that had their rights terminated. It has also been our experience in foster and adoptive parent support groups and through a lot of research, that most parents that lose their kids do not seek to keep in touch and do not maintain a relationship after the fact.
In the end, remember that adoptive families need to be shown capable and willing, not "perfect" in the eyes of the court. If parents had to be perfect, we would all be disqualified.
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