search successful - contact is a problem

[susankate]

Originally Posted by joef279

Hello. Maybe I am looking for some direction. Maybe I don't know what I am looking for.

I was adopted as an infant. Always knew I was adopted and it was never an issue. Have had a great life with no regrets.

My parents passed a few years back. It was then I got it in my head to find my bmom. Not looking for a "relationship." I have always been the curious type, and just want some answers. Guess some might call it "closure."

I have kids of my own and they are about to start their own families. The only time the adoption topic was ever and issue for me was with doctors. They ask questions about your family medical history... after saying several times "I don't have/know any family history" you eventually have to spell it out. I thought MDs were supposed to be smart... mine never seemed to catch on that fast. I always found that situation uncomfortable.

Anyway - I would really like to have some medical history to pass on to my kids.

For the past couple of years, I have been trying to track down my Bmom. With the little information I had available, it took a while. I recently connected all the dots and found her. I have a current address and phone number. I made a plan for contact.

That plan is failing miserably.

I tried calling. No answer. I tried again at a different time. No answer. Finally her daughter picks up and verified the person lived there - told me to call back. I called back... no answer.

This goes on about a week. I called from a different number and someone answered right away. They asked me to "call right back." I did and her daughter answers... sounded pretty ticked off. Asked me if I just called that number "sixteen times because the phone is ringing off the hook." Told her "no," but I had tried earlier in the week to no answer.

She again confirms it is the right number, but only agrees to take a message (Wouldn't say if the person was there at the time, although I am sure she was). I gave my real name and had to ask if she would take a call back number - she was ready to hang up. Told them it was a personal call and I knew the woman from many years ago. I have not received a call back and do not expect to. Pretty sure the message is not going to be passed on. Even it if was, no way my name would be recognized.

Their phone does not accept blocked calls. My gut feeling is that someone was there each time I called, but they just don't answer caller IDs they do not know. To me it looks like no one is home - to them it probably looks like some unknown person who keeps calling. What should have been a simple, discreet call has turned into a weird situation. Who would have thought a simple phone call could escalate into what they probably see as harassment. Personally, I think it would be easier to just answer the phone and ask that stranger to stop calling. I guess other people would rather get mad that the phone keeps ringing and not care why.


My wife thinks it is possible they know who I am and are intentionally avoiding me. I find that highly unlikely. My state has sealed records and all my information indicates that being highly unlikely. I think they are just strange, paranoid people.

I plan to write, explain who I am and ask for information on family medical history. Based on the phone call situation, the daughter will likely be the one to open any letter. I wanted to be discreet, but it seems that approach isn't going to work.

Any thoughts? The exchange on the phone has left me a bit angry about the whole situation. I'm sure that's just me reading into things. Is there a way to handle this more discreetly? Am I expecting too much?

Joel, I'm also an adoptee. I was adopted in NZ and when I applied again for a copy of my OBC, I received a little booklet of which there is an online copy:

http://www.cyf.govt.nz/documents/abo...ts-04-2005.pdf

I thought it might be of value for you because at the end, it lists the pros and cons of each method of contact.

Good luck - I know it isn't easy making that first step.

[joef279]

Thanks for that. Interesting booklet. NZ seems to have some smart policies on the topic.

I had some help in my search, and those helping me did let me know ups and downs for various methods of contact. The booklet covered much the same ground, but added some additional information and presented it in a much more impartial manner.

Funny that, for me, making the first step was easy. As soon as I had confirmed the name I was ready to call. I thought I was ready for whatever I would find. What I didn't count on was the inability to make any contact and how the attempt at contact might get weird. I am working with a third party for now. If that fails, I will go the letter route. If that fails, I may be forced to reach out to a different relative... I found one who seems much easier to contact. That is my last resort.

Thanks again for the useful link. That should be read by everyone who is searching.

[latetotheparty]

I tracked down my birth mother when I was about 23 through the adoption agency that handled my adoption..... We stayed in touch for a while, but haven't corresponded in several years..... no one in her family knows about me....

Many years later, at around 47, I tracked down my birth father myself and after a couple of months sent him a letter that stated I was a 47 year old woman, born on <<date>> 1960 to a young single woman named <<first name>> and then subsequently given up for adoption. If any of this sounds familiar and he would like to know more, please contact me at <<phone number>> or <<address>>

He reached out immediately, but after having spent time together for a year or so, I have chosen to maintain some distance as I just don't feel comfortable around him and his family..... They are all VERY different from me and we only have genetics in common..... By the way, all of his family does know about me.....