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I gotta say the old "be grateful for whatever you get" trope directed at kids who were adopted is unsurprising yet still sort of crappy.
Acknowledging something makes it easier to move past. Adoptees should be able to talk about these things without being told to suck it up and how much worse they could have had it. Adoptive parents, indeed all parents, should be able to discuss these things as well. Its easy to say we all "love our children the same" but that just isn't always true, and its ok, maybe even necessary to acknowledge these things for the benefit of all involved.
I am BY NO MEANS saying, "Be grateful for your scraps and suck it up."
NO NO NO.
I am saying no 2 parents love the same or the same way. No 2 kids even in the same family are given the same treatment and consideration. And the whole concept of measuring love doled out is strange bc there is no objective measure.
In the normal spectrum of parenting, there will be some who love at a 10 and some at a 1 or 0. There will be parents who love at a 6. Or a 3. The average parent might love at an 8.
So what is your point here, op? That an adopted kid might only get an 8 instead of a 9? Hell, some other bio kid might only get a 4, so what are you complaining about?
Not that you can measure these things anyway, so this thread is just goofy.
There ya have it, this is why adoptees hide this feeling of not having unconditional love from a parent in a deep dark place in their heart and continue on with pretending they do while they also hide their desire to lind their long lost bio-families.
Yeah, yeah, ..... typical position from a judgmental non-adoptee. This is why it takes us years upon years while having guilt for seeking out the truth of our existence like the instinct for birds to fly south.
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.
With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
Primal Wound and other studies would be consistent with your viewpoint.
I'll offer this - IF unconditional love is possible, a child will not be receptive if there are trust issues, and instead resort to the mindset of Stockholm Syndrome.
Here a few reasons that adoptees may feel (which sabotage efforts of their second parents) "I'm seconds because the folks couldn't have one of their own." Or this ignorant one, "They told me I'm chosen but not really any baby available would do, cause there aren't that many." "My birth certificate is falsified and my second parents think that's okay but they didn't give me birth - why do they think it's okay to lie?"
With such a family dynamic, any child or an adult with no agenda, would question the so-called unconditional love of the second parents.
My sister adopted my niece. She said that when she was handed her baby, she started to cry because she looked exactly like the child she had always pictured in her dreams.
When I had my child three years later, she sent me a card, saying, "Congratulations. Now you too will know the feeling of unconditional love."
Thirty years later, none of us think of my niece as "the adopted one". As a matter of fact, she is the only one of that generation who grew to to be six feet tall like her adopted aunt and grandmother.
My sister has no doubts that my niece was destined to be her daughter. They are very close, and I can't see my sister loving a biological child more.
I have thought about this a little bit because I have an adopted niece and nephew. I am positive that my sister loves her adopted kids "unconditionally" (she has no bio kids). She and her husband have gone above and beyond to do everything they can for their kids, even though they have had some rough times. Both of them were relinquished at birth and my sister even used a supplemental nursing system to breastfeed them.
The kids themselves, now teens, have had some issues related to being adopted. My niece was very persistent about wanting to have contact with her bio mom, and since it was an open adoption, my sister finally allowed her to do that. Niece now keeps a photo of the bio mom in her room and talks about her frequently, which seems to help her.
My nephew has no contact with his bio parents and also lacks emotional attachment to his adopted parents. He is a different race from them and his race is a very small minority in their community, which makes it all worse. Some kids wouldn't necessarily be bothered by this, but he is bothered. Sister and her husband are planning to ask him to move out as soon as he is old enough because, they say, he apparently does not want to have a relationship with them. This saddens them, of course, but I do get more of the "we did everything we could vibe" than the "we are totally devastated" vibe.
My other sister and I, who both have bio kids, have talked about the dynamics going on there. We remember that ever since the babies were first adopted, sister and her husband would frequently leave them with friends for days or even a couple of weeks at a time while they went on vacation. We agreed that we could not have imagined leaving our own babies for so long at under a year old, no matter how good the friends were. I don't know what if anything this says about the bond between mothers and their bio babies vs. mothers and their adopted babies, but it does make us wonder.
Also, as a non-adoptive parent, I don't personally know how adoptive parents feel about their children and I am sure they do not all feel the same. I do know that if I think about it, I feel differently about my kids and my bio nieces and nephews than I do about the adopted ones, at some very primitive level. Not that I don't love the adopted ones, I do. I just don't actually feel that they are "part of the family" in quite the same way. They are not from my sister like my bio kids are from me and my bio nephews are from my other sister; they are not carrying on our genetic material. I'm sure this says nothing good about me and I'm kind of ashamed to admit it. I would never say this to any family member and I hope they all see me as a loving aunt to all of them.
I have thought about this a little bit because I have an adopted niece and nephew. I am positive that my sister loves her adopted kids "unconditionally" (she has no bio kids). She and her husband have gone above and beyond to do everything they can for their kids, even though they have had some rough times. Both of them were relinquished at birth and my sister even used a supplemental nursing system to breastfeed them.
The kids themselves, now teens, have had some issues related to being adopted. My niece was very persistent about wanting to have contact with her bio mom, and since it was an open adoption, my sister finally allowed her to do that. Niece now keeps a photo of the bio mom in her room and talks about her frequently, which seems to help her.
My nephew has no contact with his bio parents and also lacks emotional attachment to his adopted parents. He is a different race from them and his race is a very small minority in their community, which makes it all worse. Some kids wouldn't necessarily be bothered by this, but he is bothered. Sister and her husband are planning to ask him to move out as soon as he is old enough because, they say, he apparently does not want to have a relationship with them. This saddens them, of course, but I do get more of the "we did everything we could vibe" than the "we are totally devastated" vibe.
My other sister and I, who both have bio kids, have talked about the dynamics going on there. We remember that ever since the babies were first adopted, sister and her husband would frequently leave them with friends for days or even a couple of weeks at a time while they went on vacation. We agreed that we could not have imagined leaving our own babies for so long at under a year old, no matter how good the friends were. I don't know what if anything this says about the bond between mothers and their bio babies vs. mothers and their adopted babies, but it does make us wonder.
Also, as a non-adoptive parent, I don't personally know how adoptive parents feel about their children and I am sure they do not all feel the same. I do know that if I think about it, I feel differently about my kids and my bio nieces and nephews than I do about the adopted ones, at some very primitive level. Not that I don't love the adopted ones, I do. I just don't actually feel that they are "part of the family" in quite the same way. They are not from my sister like my bio kids are from me and my bio nephews are from my other sister; they are not carrying on our genetic material. I'm sure this says nothing good about me and I'm kind of ashamed to admit it. I would never say this to any family member and I hope they all see me as a loving aunt to all of them.
That is very honest of you, but also interesting. I have four nieces, and the adopted one is one of my favorites. She has a cheerful personality, is smart and has a good job, and she is very family-oriented. When my sister and BIL adopted her, they left information at the agency saying they will have no problem if the bio mom wants to meet their daughter when she is 18 is the daughter chooses, and they raised their daughter to know she came from another woman's body and that they would help her meet her bio mom if she wants to.
So far, my niece has not expressed any desire to meet her bio mom other than "maybe a drive-by to see what she looks like." She knows her mother was a cocaine user and that she was conceived in a rehab (her bio father is listed only as "dark-skinned black man named Jim") and from subsequent talks with the adoption agency, that her mother gave up another child born after she was adopted and lost custody of two more children after that. I doubt she has any unrealistic dreams of meeting her "real" mother.
As for the biological material, that doesn't matter to me. Not a criticism of the way you feel, because there's no right or wrong here, but I feel that biological doesn't dictate family. I could not care less if I ever laid eyes on my oldest niece again, and she is related to me. She's a lying, cheating human being.
Maybe just based on my experience and an adoptee but after my personal journey in life after 62 years I have come to the conclusion that an adoptive mother (and I assume father) will never have that emotion of unconditional love for that baby as compared to her own biological child. I suspect this is true for a vast majority but there are exeptions.
With that at hand, I also believe the adopted child will always feel / carry that throughout life. Heck, maybe part of the reason is we (adoptees) weren't breast fed too! (<:
Opinions?
That is not true. I also know biological parents who's love is conditional upon performance, success, appearance, which side of the family the child looks like, academic talent, athletic talent.
Not all PARENTS are "all in" for their kids. They just aren't. Read City Data. Most people complaining about their parents are imperfect.
Given the distinctly spontaneous and pleasurable was that most children are biologically conceived, many were not wished for, or hoped for. They were accidents.
Given the veritable hoops of fire that adoptive parents must jump through, I think they are "wanted" more that the average kid.
There are exceptions to everything, but studies have shown that for human beings, the more difficult an endeavor or goal is to obtain, the harder people work at keeping it.
That is very honest of you, but also interesting. I have four nieces, and the adopted one is one of my favorites. She has a cheerful personality, is smart and has a good job, and she is very family-oriented. When my sister and BIL adopted her, they left information at the agency saying they will have no problem if the bio mom wants to meet their daughter when she is 18 is the daughter chooses, and they raised their daughter to know she came from another woman's body and that they would help her meet her bio mom if she wants to.
So far, my niece has not expressed any desire to meet her bio mom other than "maybe a drive-by to see what she looks like." She knows her mother was a cocaine user and that she was conceived in a rehab (her bio father is listed only as "dark-skinned black man named Jim") and from subsequent talks with the adoption agency, that her mother gave up another child born after she was adopted and lost custody of two more children after that. I doubt she has any unrealistic dreams of meeting her "real" mother.
As for the biological material, that doesn't matter to me. Not a criticism of the way you feel, because there's no right or wrong here, but I feel that biological doesn't dictate family. I could not care less if I ever laid eyes on my oldest niece again, and she is related to me. She's a lying, cheating human being.
Your experience is pretty much typical. I don't know many adoptive kids who are loved less by their extended family. Or who are "reunion obsessed".
In my own family, my sisters gave more attention to my daughter through adoption than to my biological son. My brother doted on my son. Mostly because he was a boy. He is only 19 years older than my son, so they were almost like brothers.
There ya have it, this is why adoptees hide this feeling of not having unconditional love from a parent in a deep dark place in their heart and continue on with pretending they do while they also hide their desire to lind their long lost bio-families.
Yeah, yeah, ..... typical position from a judgmental non-adoptee. This is why it takes us years upon years while having guilt for seeking out the truth of our existence like the instinct for birds to fly south.
You will havr to forgive my expressing myself so poorly.
That question was not meant to be rhetorical.
It was meant to ask in which ways the difference in parenting or love is being measured. In a vast sea of majorly different parenting styles and proclivity.
My parents let my brother get away with more and coddle him even 40 years later. So does that mean they love him more? Is it bc I was a girl and I'm a boy?
Is it which kid a parent spends more money on?
More time?
How do we know the difference is bc they were adopted or a personality quirk in the parent?
It makes perfect sense to question and wonder. I'm not disparaging that.
Speak as an adoptee and for several others in my time.
An adoptee will always feel different than his family members. There are physical and characteristic differences.
The adoptive parents are aware of this. They will (along with the adopted child) encounter people, including family members, saying, "Oh, you look so different from the rest of your family." In my case I was very blonde and my family were dark haired.
We were told how we are special and how much they (adopted parents) wanted us. I was told by my parents they went to a room full of babies and picked me out.
I would estimate 90% of adoptees want to find their biological parents. I consider this instinctive. Many adoptive parents have in one way or the other makes the adopted child feel guilty for expressing these feelings (if they have the courage to do so) because the parents will directly and or indirectly shame them for having such an interest. Its a betrayal to the adoptive parents. In my case, I was not permitted ever to mention adoption to my father. My mother discouraged it by saying, "why would you want to do that." "We don't know what ever happened to them," "The records are sealed." etc, etc.
I found my biological families in my late 30's and then my late 50's. My adopted mother in her 70's at the time when I informed her I found my maternal bio-brother (bio-mother died), "Why do you want to talk to him!!!??"
Basically to many adopted children, we know not to betray our adoptive parents and just play make believe family while knowing we are different and one day will search for answers to why we were given up (adoptive parents will make up the craziest of stories).
I believe an adopted child does not feel this unconditional love from the adoptive parent with EXCEPTIONS. We feel and are different and the adoptive parent knows it. Its a primal thing and is transposed upon the child. The positive side too all this I believe adoptees make great parents and are even more intune with their children! We look into their eyes and finally see that genetic link and love we long waited for.......
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