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It's very tempting to be cynical and conclude that the model of children going from the birth parents to the foster system and back to the birth parents, multiple times, creates a nice income for the social workers, while children who are promptly made available for adoption and then adopted, do not.
I am tempted to think and say the very same thing. I have thought it. I was almost afraid to express it.
Thanks for posting.
Birth control has become much more effective and available to teens over the past few years. Thanks to the internet they are much better educated about reproduction and how to prevent it, consequences, etc. Teen pregnancy rates are way down as is the birth rate in general.
Adopting overseas has become popular. One of the main reasons is that there have been American born infants that are given up for adoption only to have one of the birth parents come back a few months later demanding to get their baby back. Even though the adoption was finalized, the birth parents tend to prevail.
In one case, the birth mother gave up her daughter and a couple adopted her. The birth mother lied about who the bio father was. Eventually, she reconnected with the true birth father, married him and together they fought to get their daughter back. The case dragged on for 2 years and the birth parents prevailed. If you are interested in reading about it, do a search on "Jessica DeBoer". When she was returned to the birth parents, they changed her name to "Anna Schmidt".
Adopting overseas has become popular. One of the main reasons is that there have been American born infants that are given up for adoption only to have one of the birth parents come back a few months later demanding to get their baby back. Even though the adoption was finalized, the birth parents tend to prevail.
In one case, the birth mother gave up her daughter and a couple adopted her. The birth mother lied about who the bio father was. Eventually, she reconnected with the true birth father, married him and together they fought to get their daughter back. The case dragged on for 2 years and the birth parents prevailed. If you are interested in reading about it, do a search on "Jessica DeBoer". When she was returned to the birth parents, they changed her name to "Anna Schmidt".
The fact that birth parents prevail is disgusting. Wrongheaded. Misdirected charity towards children who do need help. but NOT help to be a parent. They are NOT parents. They are kids who had sex and one got pregnant.
Any help given to them should be in the form of education or vocational training. If the child who becomes pregnant underage, should not be rewarded. They also should not be vilified.
Girls get pregnant purposely to get out of their houses with their parents. Must stupid thing liberals have ever done, and I am an independent progressive. Daniel Patrick Moynahan (D) NY, warned of this.
Today, it isn't minorities who are getting pregnant and keeping their babies as much as working-class whilt girls who want to escape their families, get funded for a new apartment, and a place to entertain teenage boys.
There is so much wrong with this whole scenario.
Adoption overseas is all but over in most countries. That was popular in the 90s and early 2000s.
Adopting overseas has become popular. One of the main reasons is that there have been American born infants that are given up for adoption only to have one of the birth parents come back a few months later demanding to get their baby back. Even though the adoption was finalized, the birth parents tend to prevail.
In one case, the birth mother gave up her daughter and a couple adopted her. The birth mother lied about who the bio father was. Eventually, she reconnected with the true birth father, married him and together they fought to get their daughter back. The case dragged on for 2 years and the birth parents prevailed. If you are interested in reading about it, do a search on "Jessica DeBoer". When she was returned to the birth parents, they changed her name to "Anna Schmidt".
Adoption overseas is all but a thing of the past. Most countries do not want to look as though they can't take care of their own, and have made adoption almost impossible. There are other reasons. Some of them political.
They want to save face All of these countries are Eastern European and Asian. They were the most popular countries in the late 1990s through 2010s. Since I once worked in international adoption, and adopted a child internationally, I kept track of what countries are still open. Even Korea, which I believe was the first country to permit International Adoption, has become difficult and has dramatically decreased international adoptions. Russia, closed down years ago. As did Kazakhstan.
The Anti Adoption folks who frequent this site have a proverbial "axe to grind". Many, if not most, adoptees are happy with their legal families. They are happy with their adoption. Admittedly, they know the alternative. Some know other children who were not matched with families.
A couple of years ago, a Ukrainian boy who we hosted, befriended me on Facebook. Soon after I found out that the adoption that was formed from his stay in the US, was far less than perfect. He had a falling out with his father, who's ridged and unrealistic expectations were not met. However, he and his sister were brought to this country. They stayed together. I saw that the man and his wife were a bit "old school" for these two children, and my recommendation was for adoption with a more flexible, yet capable family, able to set firm boundaries while understanding that it is no longer the 1950s.
When no one else stepped forward, , my husband and I discussed this together and with our children. We decided that we had room in our hearts and home for two more.
The problem with Ukraine was that we already had paperwork submitted for an unrelated boy we had hosted and visited twice.
My recommendation was for another family and it was denied. They had the money, and passed the home study.
Meanwhile, the boy who had spent Winter Break and Christmas with us, had a final court hearing. She pleaded with the court with more months to "get her act together". They granted her more time.
In the end, he was reconciled with a woman he hardly knew at age ten, The age he could be left alone and sent to the store. We have not seen him since. Odds are not in our favor.
Meanwhile, I asked forgiveness to the young man and his sister who we did not adopt. After all, his father by adoption through both kids out of the house when they did not meet his unyielding standards.
The girl finished High School and married young. The boy was kicked out at 16 before he finished HS. He couch surfed with friends and finally just couldn't make it.
His adoptive father had a fixation with the military and told him to enlist. He warned him that no one would pay for college if he was not a vet. The boy had done his own research and knew that in the US, if you are adopted after a certain age, there are subsidies to help make college or trade school a reality.
When I apologized for the adoption the boy said "I know you tried. I appreciate it. But all I know is that all of my friends from Ukraine who weren't adopted are either drug addicts, or they returned to their moms who are drug addicts or drunks, and made them steal for them. Some are dead. Some are in jail, some are addicts. I didn't get a good family, but I got a computer, and I found out how to look out for myself. At least I am alive.
He completed high school and a year of technical college with us. Now he has an associate degree and a trade as an EMT.
He knows that return to his BM or the orphanage would have been a disaster.
When I apologized for the adoption the boy said "I know you tried. I appreciate it. But all I know is that all of my friends from Ukraine who weren't adopted are either drug addicts, or they returned to their moms who are drug addicts or drunks, and made them steal for them. Some are dead. Some are in jail, some are addicts. I didn't get a good family, but I got a computer, and I found out how to look out for myself. At least I am alive.
He completed high school and a year of technical college with us. Now he has an associate degree and a trade as an EMT.
He knows that return to his BM or the orphanage would have been a disaster.
This was a sad story but has a reasonably happy ending. Thanks for helping this young man.
Adopting internationally used to be a little easier than it is today, but it's always been ridiculously expensive and difficult. My sister and brother-in-law were planning to adopt internationally over 20 years ago, and ran into one issue after another with countries they considered, one being that many countries deemed BIL "too old" at 36 to be allowed to adopt a baby. Never mind that men over 35 have bio kids all the time.
Around the same time, some friends wanted to adopt from Russia. Since they had always heard that older children are unlikely to be adopted, they chose a girl in her early teens who seemed eager to join their family. Fast forward through all the expense and months of red tape, and the girl changed her mind, decided she didn't want to be adopted and move to the US. Can't really blame the young girl for not wanting to leave her country and her friends, but my friends had to start all over again...
This whole thing isn't hard to figure out. They should do what is best for the child, not a teenaged girl who is no more than a child herself.
I'm going to respectfully disagree with this.
The teenaged girl should most definitely have her wishes considered. As a matter of fact, the wishes of all the family members should be considered. The reason I say that is...there was a time were Indian (as in indigenous) women had their babies TAKEN from them, because it was deemed that the indigenous couldn't provide a good life for their babies, and would raise their babies in heathen ways... so the babies would be TAKEN against the mother's will.
And not just indigenous...back in the 50's, 60's and 70's, young unmarried women had their babies whisked away as soon as they were born, and never even got to get a glimpse of their babies. It was the equivalent of stealing babies.
Why? Birth control has gotten a lot better and now teen girls are allowed to get it, when before, no one could have birth control until after their wedding date was announced.
The stigma for out of wedlock birth is gone.
Uncle Sam takes over the role of father and provides housing, food, utilities, medical insurance, schooling, phone, money for clothing. So a father isn't necessary any more for the raising of a child.
But really, OP, no one has any obligation to provide a child for you just because you want one. The only sort of obligation that anyone has is to get unwanted children into decent homes. No one has to provide a few extra unwanted children so you can have one too.
Coming back to add that it is a shame that some of the foreign countries with a lot of poverty and a lot of unwanted children will not allow them to go to good homes in America.
This was a sad story but has a reasonably happy ending. Thanks for helping this young man.
Adopting internationally used to be a little easier than it is today, but it's always been ridiculously expensive and difficult. My sister and brother-in-law were planning to adopt internationally over 20 years ago, and ran into one issue after another with countries they considered, one being that many countries deemed BIL "too old" at 36 to be allowed to adopt a baby. Never mind that men over 35 have bio kids all the time.
Around the same time, some friends wanted to adopt from Russia. Since they had always heard that older children are unlikely to be adopted, they chose a girl in her early teens who seemed eager to join their family. Fast forward through all the expense and months of red tape, and the girl changed her mind, decided she didn't want to be adopted and move to the US. Can't really blame the young girl for not wanting to leave her country and her friends, but my friends had to start all over again...
That is sad also. Most of the courtiers I have dealt with care more about the maternal age, because it is thought that women outlive men, and older fathers and younger wives are not uncommon word wide. I am curious if you remember which countries rejected your BIL for age? That to me is so capricious and random. Much of international adoption always was. You had to search for a country who would take you.
As to your friends, yes, I can understand a young girl who already has friends changing her mind at the last minute out of fear. The older ones are also given false information by the orphanage workers "mamas" and by the tabloid papers that would truly scare anyone. It was popular in Russia and Ukraine to tell the children that they were being adopted so that their body parts can be harvested for organ transplants! This is insane sounding to us, but it was an urban legend there. The Mamas, or the Eastern European orphanage workers leave their tabloid papers around and the kids read them. Especially the older girls. They were also told, less frequently that
Organ theft is not uncommon in Eastern European countries. People are kidnapped, drugged and their organs - usually kidneys and liver - are crudely ripped out and the person is left for dead!
Some of the orphanage "Mamas" actually believe this. Others do not, and spread the lie because of jealousy. They see the children as garbage, or trash, from bad homes, and wonder why "rich" Americans are going out of their way to adopt these kids. They see photographs the parents take of large homes, new vehicles (they could be 7 years old, they will look new to their eyes) swimming pools, kitchens with dish washers, modern appliances, washers and dryers in the house, cottages by the lake, boats, modern school buildings and think "why do my children not have all of this?" and "Who are these Destky Dom (children's home) bastar* to have all of this?" There is a lot of jealousy.
It is not uncommon for a family of four to raise two kids in a one bedroom flat. I have stayed in Eastern European flats (people rent out their apartments for a few nights to Americans for $30-$50 USD and stay with friends. These apartments are shabby but very clean. The water is sometimes cold. They are privative by western standards.
The big beautiful house could be a three bedroom ranch or Cape Cod style house with TWO bathrooms! The pool could be an above ground one surrounded by a deck. And that cottage by the lake could be a rental, just a place they go every summer. Or it could be less modest because as you mentioned, it takes a hefty amount of money to do this. What I am trying to say is that almost all of the homes seen by orphanage workers in Eastern Europe are palatial by Eastern European standards.
So yes, they are some who are jealous. There are other "Mamas" who scare the older kids into being adopted by reminding them that when they "graduate" they will be kicked to the curb and have no whereto go. Girls frequently go into prostitution, and both frequently become petty criminals, just to survive. Half of all orphanage "graduates" are incarcerated. This second group of orphanage workers can actually be helpful in facilitating the adoption.
Before we gloat an Americans, it is not much better here. Many foster kids do not have places to live after they turn 18. We put them on the street two years later. I would say that a majority of foster parents are in it only for the money. Some can be caring, but the money is their first motive. The best ones will file to adopt, and help them to navigate the rest of their lives and treat them as their own children.
The worst, are like my elderly neighbors across the street who are in it for God, and see it as a job, in that order. It is most important to my neighbors that the children accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior while they are under their care. They keep them purposely until they are 18 so they can get every drop of money out of the state. The wife told me they leave "having accepted the Lord and armed with the word of God". They give them a bible which is a nice gesture, but it is less than practical. I an NOT being anti-Christian, but they need a means to support themselves and a place to go. I am a Protestant Christian and when ever we hosted kids, we took them to church and vacation bible school with our kids. However, one has to be realistic, the word of God will not be of help when they are on the streets.
And these are not the WORST foster parents. There are far worse out there.
What is worse is the constant attempt at reconciliation that render the children in the UNITED STATES, older, bitter, angry and defiant. They are hurt by their parents, and out system, in attempt to be forward thinking, and non judgmental of THE BIRTH MOTHER,
Sometimes COMMON SENSE should be employed and the system should favor the rights of the child, not the woman who gave birth to them.
Stop worrying about being "PC" and call it for what it is. A bad family and an innocent child or children.
Some people, no matter what their age, should just not be parents. IMO, NO teenager should be a parent.
Becoming pregnant at 14 already should set up a red flag for CPS. Now TWO CHILDREN are endangered. Obviously, the parents of the 14 year old were oblivious to the fact that their child is sexually active.
I think CPS should investigate THOSE parents, before we talk about "keeping babies" conceived out of passion in the flat bed of a pick up truck.
That is not a "family".
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This is insane sounding to us, but it was an urban legend there. The Mamas, or the Eastern European orphanage workers leave their tabloid papers around and the kids read them. Especially the older girls. They were also told, less frequently that 