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If you are happy with the life you have chosen, that is fine. But, if you want something different, you need to make some choices. I know that my Mother wanted me to take care of her, and that was not going to work for my career, so I told her she was fine, and left.
When I was young, I lived with my Grandparents, and I truly believe, that while they loved me, they did not want me to be very successful, they wanted me to stay home, and be "dependent" because then they had someone to take care of them. I left that situation when I got married, which they tried to discourage.
I think that you need some activities that you do without your Mother, and she will be resistant to that, and try to manipulate you from doing things without her. I suggest you start that, and see what happens. Your Mother is able to care for herself, if she is manipulative enough to keep you from living your life.
If you are happy with the life you have chosen, that is fine. But, if you want something different, you need to make some choices. I know that my Mother wanted me to take care of her, and that was not going to work for my career, so I told her she was fine, and left.
When I was young, I lived with my Grandparents, and I truly believe, that while they loved me, they did not want me to be very successful, they wanted me to stay home, and be "dependent" because then they had someone to take care of them. I left that situation when I got married, which they tried to discourage.
I think that you need some activities that you do without your Mother, and she will be resistant to that, and try to manipulate you from doing things without her. I suggest you start that, and see what happens. Your Mother is able to care for herself, if she is manipulative enough to keep you from living your life.
You know- I wanted to say she isn't manipulative in the sense that she wants me to stay dependent. But between taking over my vacation from work, and the way she reacts if I'm going out to even, say, a movie- well, maybe that is playing into it. I went out a few weeks ago for a few hours with a friend, and it was raining a bit- she was absolutely convinced I was going to die in a car crash. And I want to believe that's just because she's always been an anxious person, and worries- but maybe there's another side to it. A lot of times when she starts really fussing like that I DO end up staying home.
And I'm thinking of last year, when I was going to go to the Renn Faire- it's something I look forward to all year, and I ended up not going because of a similar situation. And this year I went to Boston for a few days for a con, and she called me on the last day to tell me she had an 'accident'- and then refused to tell me what happened to the point I thought my cat had died or something. It turned out she had a small bruise- the stress of that conversation ruined my last day in Boston.
Yikes- this is not a very good realization. I kind of feel sick now.
I do have one more week of vacation, and I've already told her I'll be taking it nearby, but I'm not staying home...I'm just staying in a motel one town over. There's nothing in that town, it's just a chance to have some time alone. It'll be interesting to see if anything 'happens' during that week...
You know- I wanted to say she isn't manipulative in the sense that she wants me to stay dependent. But between taking over my vacation from work, and the way she reacts if I'm going out to even, say, a movie- well, maybe that is playing into it. I went out a few weeks ago for a few hours with a friend, and it was raining a bit- she was absolutely convinced I was going to die in a car crash. And I want to believe that's just because she's always been an anxious person, and worries- but maybe there's another side to it. A lot of times when she starts really fussing like that I DO end up staying home.
And I'm thinking of last year, when I was going to go to the Renn Faire- it's something I look forward to all year, and I ended up not going because of a similar situation. And this year I went to Boston for a few days for a con, and she called me on the last day to tell me she had an 'accident'- and then refused to tell me what happened to the point I thought my cat had died or something. It turned out she had a small bruise- the stress of that conversation ruined my last day in Boston.
Yikes- this is not a very good realization. I kind of feel sick now.
I do have one more week of vacation, and I've already told her I'll be taking it nearby, but I'm not staying home...I'm just staying in a motel one town over. There's nothing in that town, it's just a chance to have some time alone. It'll be interesting to see if anything 'happens' during that week...
It's good that you are starting to perhaps see the manipulative side of your Mom.
She is not alone in this - lots of parents are very good at it - especially those who are depending upon their children to care for them.
I feel, personally, that I've been groomed from a very early age to take care of my Father. Now that he is residing here - I'm staring to recognize some ways in which he has manipulated me to constantly care for/entertain him.
I hope that your week away is peaceful and refreshing for you. IF your Mom calls with an emergency - hang up immediately and call 911 to come to her house. If it was a true emergency - she will be well cared for; if it was something just designed to get you home - she will not do it again.
ParallelJJCat, I have to agree with the other posters who say that your mom sounds as if she might be a bit manipulative. It is probably not even something she does with much awareness - it's just part of her personality.
If you want something different for your life other than a repeat of the past 31 years, you will have to make some difficult choices. Realize that they are YOUR choices to make. In one post you discussed having to convince your mom to make changes. In reality though, you have to make the changes because your mom is content with the way things are. It's not easy, but it can be done.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. She does not have to go live in a facility, but if you want some freedom and a life of your own, she does need to be willing to accept outside help. If you want complete freedom, that is perfectly legitimate and fine too. There is nothing wrong with assisted living! There are some very nice facilities with caring staff. Your mother will likely qualify for several resources (medicaid, etc) to help cover the cost.
You have mentioned that you would like for your mom to get counseling. May I gently suggest that counseling is only a worthwhile endeavor for those who wish to change. It takes a lot of hard work, and it does not sound like something your mom is invested in. You, however, would probably benefit greatly from counseling at this point in your life. You are beginning to question things and perhaps view the situation with your mother in a different light. A counselor can be very helpful in guiding a person through difficult emotions (especially unwarranted guilt), can offer a more objective view, etc.
I wish you and your mom the absolute best. Our lives are a precious and time limited gift, and your life is yours and yours only. Your mother has her life, and no one held her back, did they? It's your turn to decide what you want for yourself.
Best of luck to you and your mom. I had an aunt with Alzheimers and it was tough for a long time. You have a life to live and don't feel guilty as you have done more than many would have, so check into adult day care where you live or find other organizations to help. If you don't take care of yourself, your candle will burn itself out and then you won't be able to anyone.
My mom is in this same situation. Well sort of. My grandma lives with her and my mom recently left her husband (some of you know that already) and she connected with an ex and last friday she spent the night with him and my grandma FREAKED out. She's 79 and doesnt want to be left alone at night. Which I guess is understandable. But come on my mom has a life too. I dont think its fair and I think if someone gets old enough where they cant care for themselves and doesnt have a nurse then they need to be in a retirement home. Not all of them are evil like on TV. So now my mom has to stay home everynight and can never have a social life because she has to take care of her mom. (her bf has an 11 yr old daughter so he cant come spend the night at my moms house.)
Are you happy with your mom's medical care givers? Does she have a good psychiatrist? Mental health care for the elderly is tricky and there are docs who specialize in it. She might find relief for her anxiety with the right medication.
Are there any support groups for family caregivers in your community? That could be a great place for you to get some ideas on how to cope.
Like others have said, look into assisted living facilities and adult day care.
Have a heart-to-heart with your siblings so that you know what, if any, help you might receive from them. If they make it clear they're not going to help, don't waste any time or energy wishing they would.
Your mom sounds extremely manipulative. I'm sure she will try to disrupt your next vacation plans. Go ahead and make your plans and then leave and turn your phone off. Arrange for her to contact one of your siblings if an emergency arises. Also, I hope you can do something more fun than just go to the next town over!
You might consider a short course of therapy for yourself. It sounds like you can use some help setting boundaries with your mom.
Finally, please do whatever it takes to make a life for yourself. Life is too short be held an emotional captive. I know you love your mother and she loves you, but your lives are way out of balance right now. It will take some time to get yourself into a better situation, but it will be worth it. Good luck to you.
My husband and I are both only children so the burden of sick parents falls on our shoulders alone. My inlaws have been going downhill for a long time. My mother-in-law is wheelchair bound and her husband has been her caregiver. This year, he was diagnosed with Altzheimer's so we got both of them into an assisted care facilty. He actually is in independent and she is in assisted. They live out of state and my husband has made many trips down to Florida to get them settled. They would have no wish to move up here to the NE and we are looking at moving ourselves.
The facility is beautiful and for her at least, she has met new friends and is having the time of her life with her remaining years. For years, she was socially isolated and house bound. Now her days are spent with new friends, playing bridge, going to organized activities, etc. She actually sounds happy when we talk to her.
My father-in-law is a different animal. Abusive in his younger years and now with Altzheimer's, he is doing that passive/aggressive thing and generally trying to make everyone's life miserable. Had we moved either of them into our household (with our two young children), it probably would have ended our marriage since I would have left. At times, he makes us feel guilty for not taking them in however caring for him, changing diapers and bedpans for my mother-in-law and keeping my two kids under control would not have been fun. They are far better off and well taken care of where they are.
The assisted care facilities are certainly not the nursing homes of old. The one they are in is like a resort with swimming pool, golf course and many amenities. It is reasonabely priced as well and manageable with their pension. Heck, I wouldn't mind living in the apartment he has--brand new, with a view and quite spacious. They did put up quite a fight about moving but with multiple phone calls and trips down there, they finally agreed.
I do feel guilty at times and it is a hard thing caring for a parent. I would take the advice of the other posters and not put your life on hold caring for your mom. It appears that she is manipulating you and perhaps there are other options out there that will make her happy and you happy.
I took care of my father. Entirely different situation though. His mind was just fine but his body was shot. He was grateful every single day for what I did for him and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I grew tremendously close to him, as did my family, and we actually had a lot of fun. Not that it wasn't a lot of hard work because there were days I wondered how I was going to get out of bed the next morning.
But... You have to WANT to do it. I used to go with him to his doctors appointments and I saw a lot of worn-out, bitter care givers. They were sick and tired and treated their relatives badly. It was pretty awful to see for everyone concerned.
When his mother's health started to fail my aunt decided Grandma should move in with us too. It took me 5 seconds to put my foot down and say, "No way." She eventually moved into an assisted living home. Three meals a day, field trips, movie nights, little apartment with a small kitchen, lots of people to talk to, clean. There were days I wanted to move there. I wish you nothing but luck and wisdom on what you should do.
I took care of my father. Entirely different situation though. His mind was just fine but his body was shot. He was grateful every single day for what I did for him and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I grew tremendously close to him, as did my family, and we actually had a lot of fun. Not that it wasn't a lot of hard work because there were days I wondered how I was going to get out of bed the next morning.
But... You have to WANT to do it. I used to go with him to his doctors appointments and I saw a lot of worn-out, bitter care givers. They were sick and tired and treated their relatives badly. It was pretty awful to see for everyone concerned.
When his mother's health started to fail my aunt decided Grandma should move in with us too. It took me 5 seconds to put my foot down and say, "No way." She eventually moved into an assisted living home. Three meals a day, field trips, movie nights, little apartment with a small kitchen, lots of people to talk to, clean. There were days I wanted to move there. I wish you nothing but luck and wisdom on what you should do.
I'm telling you guys - what's not to like? I love my Dad but to see him here day after day - doing nothing but watching television - I so wish I could get him to that beautiful facility we saw ~ with the happy hour, the movie night; the weekly lunch and diiner trips; the beautiful dining room. Sign me up.
I think the social interaction would really perk him up and perhaps slow the mental deterioration that I see happening. Not to mention the physical deterioration from doing nothing. I work all day and taxi my kid most evenings; but get him out when I can.
One minute he was ready to go and the next - had changed his mind! He does have a caregiver three days a week that he is VERY attached to. I think he would miss her. She takes him out to lunch, and manages all of his doctor appointments; along with his checkbook. If he could afford to pay her AND go to the AL place - I'll bet he would do it.
I've planted the seed though; I want it to be his idea. If possible. I want to see him LIVING the rest of his life and not just waiting to die.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack or depress anyone.
I just know it's hard and to the OP - I know it's hard to set boundaries and step back - even just a little.
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