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These are great points folks. I forgot to add that having mom move in with me is not an option--I'm crowded with the girls. The LL would be fine with the dog though. Besides, mom has always hated visiting me in my home for some reason and she's never even been to this one and we've already made so many changes in her life as it is--I can just imagine her crying that she wants to go home all the time and I wouldn't blame her.
NJGOAT: My bro already has POA but I'm not sure if he's aware of sheltering her assets? I'll pass that on to him and see--mom has money but we're looking at our aunt and kind of freaking out. Not that we want our mom to die really soon, but we don't want to spend all her money up front either, in case it's needed for more intensive care later.
Idlewile, I don't want to scare you, but last year at this time, I thought I had 5 years as well, and then things took a nose dive. Don't let it ruin your life, but def start planning now.
One thing I did today--called the university to see if they have a nursing student who wants free room and board in exchange for staying there at night. This could hold things off for awhile. Julia, I did consider what you said, but I only thought about it for about 30 seconds. The girls would be fine, but I have so little time left with them--it would break my heart. Empty nest after that and I'm dreading it as motherhood has been the most important part of my existence--I even homeschooled the little rascals.
What if your daughter decided to move into an apartment? I know that is only one of your reasons. One of the things I've been told about my grandma saying she wants to go home, is that we don't know what "home" is in her mind. She could be thinking of her home from childhood, her home from 30 years ago, or any other home she's ever known. No matter what you do, it isn't going to be easy. It isn't fair to you or your daughters to not at least consider this option.
The problem wtih the mother moving in with the OP is then the entire burden shifts to her since the other family members life 2 hours away. The reality is that there isn't a fair solution. That's why some families in this situation dont' just take labor into consideration of equaling the burden but financial responsibility and other factors too. In absence of a fair solution, the best solution is the one that with the least long term negative consequences to the least people. Perhaps selling both houses---the brother's and the mother's---and everyone relocated closer to the OP. Of course, I'm assuming the brother's children are of an easier age to move.
I have had this situation, and I decided that my daughter was my priority. My grandmother WANTED to stay in her own home, and WANTED things that just were not feasible, given the situation. Just because my Grandmother wanted things to stay the same, did not mean I was going to completely re-arrange my whole life, and my kid's lives to take care of her. I told her I would take care of her, if she wanted to live with me, or live in an apartment close to me. She decided to stay in her own home. She could not do it, fell two months later, broke a hip, at which point, she had to be transferred to a full care nursing facility. She died, two months after that.
I think, that it is time for your Mom to go to a nursing facility. Sell the home, use the funds to provide for her care, and then Medicare will take up the rest when that money is gone. They won't throw her out in the street. Decide on where you want her to be placed.
Last edited by jasper12; 11-07-2011 at 04:42 PM..
Reason: edit
I don't know what stage of ALZ your mother is in ~ but you could be talking about some very labor-intensive years taking care of her.
The possibility remains that even moving your Mom in with you = could take a LOT of time away from your daughters.
We moved my 90 y/o father in with us - and dealing with all of his issues really is like adding another child to the house.
It's been hard and I'm not saying it can't be done ~ but do go in with your eyes wide open. We have a big house with room for everyone to have their own space and it is still hard. And he does not have Alz.
He does have a 'helper' come every day to get him out - to the store; haircut; out to lunch - whatever he wants. She has been a lifesaver and without her, he would certainly be considering assisted living. He was very lonely and isolated here while we are gone all day. He was not happy either. Having his paid companion come daily has been a big help.
Sometimes there just are no good answers. IMO, your children should come first. Consider all alternatives and ALL family should be pitching in. Consider touring some facilities if it comes to that and don't feel bad about it. Some of them are perfectly lovely. I'll be picking out my own (hopefully) so my son doesn't have to when my time comes.
Best of luck in figuring out your situation. So many women I know right now are dealing with this very issue ~ balancing children, parents, and your own needs.
I have had this situation, and I decided that my daughter was my priority. My grandmother WANTED to stay in her own home, and WANTED things that just were not feasible, given the situation. Just because my Grandmother wanted things to stay the same, did not mean I was going to completely re-arrange my whole life, and my kid's lives to take care of her. I told her I would take care of her, if she wanted to live with me, or live in an apartment close to me. She decided to stay in her own home. She could not do it, fell two months later, broke a hip, at which point, she had to be transferred to a full care nursing facility. She died, two months after that.
I think, that it is time for your Mom to go to a nursing facility. Sell the home, use the funds to provide for her care, and then Medicare will take up the rest when that money is gone. They won't throw her out in the street. Decide on where you want her to be placed.
This is pretty much what my parents are doing with my grandma. I think it is a decent solution. Hopefully several family members can take the time to visit without the stress of day to day care.
One family I know had this solution. The siblings with the most financial resources paid all of the parent's living expenses to live in the city near the sibling with the least financial resources. She didn't pay to support him financially, her contribution was the day to day supervision. Since the OP's mother has financial resources, it's not relevant, but I wanted to share how other families view fairness to brainstorm thinking outside of the box.
I agree with those who say a nursing facility is worthy of consideration. The OP's worries of using up the mother's money too soon isn't really an issue since medicare pays once people become indigent.
That other house is up for sale and we had mom out of state during the time that the auction was going on. If she knew about the auction she'd flip, even though we actually did tell her during one of her more rational moments. The house won't be easy to move though, b/c it's much bigger and grander and has more structural problems than any other house in the area, even though we're willing to take a pretty big hit on it. It's just that the economy is so poor down there. It's ok, we don't need that money immediately--just that the house will deteriorate as it sits empty. At least we sold all the stuff in it--now that was a job!
Deadbeat sis is out of the question--she aggravates mom when she's with her and gets her all stressed out. We actually kicked her out of there b/c she was doing nothing except getting a free place to stay, which kept her a$$ from being homeless--she wouldn't even bother herself to cook mom a bowl of oatmeal or take her to the store, and mom raised her son b/c she couldn't be bothered to do that.
Yes, I'm leaning more and more towards assisted living but my bro keeps looking at the price tag and having a fit. BTW, they have no kids so that's not a complicating factor here. rkb, you're right about us not knowing which is home in her mind--on the way back from Denver the other day, she couldn't keep it straight which home we were going to and I was afraid at one point that she was going to try to jump out of the car b/c she was so upset at how long it was taking. She also couldn't keep it straight where we had just been. Scary.
Your brother needs to chill, it is not his money. Time for some big decisions. Who has power of attorney for your Mother? Who has guardianship of her? If it is your brother, who is complaining about money, agree with him, and pack her a suitcase to go live with him. If you have the power of attorney, ignore him, and do what is best for your Mom.
I have always found it interesting in these situations, that the one directing everything, is usually the person who is least impacted by the decisions made. In my family, it was my Uncle, who lived in Baja, he was telling us to hire part time workers, and deal with all this crap. It did not impact him at all, yet, he counted every cent.
Some assisted living facilities take animals. Can you get your sibling to make up the difference in cost, sell your mom's house or whatever and put her in assisted living?
I personally would not recommend moving in with her. Your life could become a living Hell. Your daughter and her high school career is important.
Your brother needs to chill, it is not his money. Time for some big decisions. Who has power of attorney for your Mother? Who has guardianship of her? If it is your brother, who is complaining about money, agree with him, and pack her a suitcase to go live with him. If you have the power of attorney, ignore him, and do what is best for your Mom.
I have always found it interesting in these situations, that the one directing everything, is usually the person who is least impacted by the decisions made. In my family, it was my Uncle, who lived in Baja, he was telling us to hire part time workers, and deal with all this crap. It did not impact him at all, yet, he counted every cent.
My brother has POA and I hate that I gave the impression that he's demanding that I move over there. He is extremely stressed out, as the lion's share of the work has gone to him and his wife and my main purpose is to take some of the stress off of them. He is just looking at the money and getting really worried that there won't be enough to cover everything and down the road too, but I had another thought tonight--assisted living facilities outside of town seem to be a lot cheaper and she loves the country anyway and she may be more likely to get to keep her dog. We're looking into it.
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