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First off wanted to thank all of you who replied to my earlier threads, much has happened in the intervening months. To summarize the situation, I am the only child and sole caregiver for my mother. I am also her only close living relative. I has been taking care of her by myself for over a yr, we live together, but in the last few months her behavior became more erratic, bizarre with delusions, and downright dangerous. She absolutely expectd me to give up my life, let no one else help, and take care of her until she dies even though she's only 69. I am also disabled due to several back surgeries and could not lift her when she began to fall regularly. She would never allow me to call 911 even though she was falling so frequently.
Finally in May, she started two fires, almost fell in the lake out back, and I I finally realized how dangerous this was becoming and I called 911 finally. She spent 4 days in the hospital and almost 2 wks in a rehab unit to help control the falls. While there she was diagnosed as having dementia most likely stemming from Alzheimer's disease. I was told by her doctors that she could no longer live at home, it was too much for one disabled person alone to handle. Because of this, I placed her in a beautiful, clean, and safe assisted living home. She has her own room and due to the calming environment and structure, she is doing much much better.
Here is the problem. Because she is young and educated, she manifests the disease differently. She has some memory issues but is quite high functioning as far as social matters, however she has lost all ability to reason, problem solve, plan or execute a plan. She can't handle anything financial and gets lost regularly. Despite this she really does sound okay as you'd never notice her deficits from just talking to her. Because of this and just due to the disease, she thinks and believes she is totally normal and should never be in an ALF. Her whole motivation is to get released and to go home to do "whatever she pleases". She obviously is incapable of seeing how dangerous this could be to herself and others. She told me ladt night that I have taken everything from her, crushed her her spirit, and ruined her life and if I don't let her go home like it was before with only me there, that she will kill herself. She says it doesn't matter if she has dementia, it's her life and she's not living it in "a home where they tell you what to do". She says I should have just let her die.
How do I handle this? I don't know how to even begin to answer this?! I can't take care of her all by myself like she expects and she is absolutely unable to live alone. I'm just so sad.
At this stage she will try anything to manipulate you to get what she wants. You said she is incapable of executing a plan, so I'm pretty sure she won't be able to kill herself.
have you asked the social worker or caregivers at the facility for advice?
I'm not an expert on this yet, but I believe the appropriate tough love is to refuse to listen to her griping. Go visit, make polite conversation, when she starts abusing you, say good bye lovingly and walk out. If she really wants to see you she will figure out that the way to keep you there is to be polite.
Remember: YOU have not done any of these things to her. Dementia did it all.
Thank you for your kind words. I was almost afraid to tell the manager at her ALF for fear they may ask her to leave. Plus I didn't see it as her really being able to carry that out either as she has zero access to sharp objects or meds or poisons. It's still so hard to hear though. I just can't believe how angry she is at me. The state regulatory agency came to her place to do an on site inspection and she told them she was being held against her will. Thank God we(ALF and I) had kept meticulous records plus I hired a geriatric social worker/case manager last month who was contacted. At the end, the state agreed with her placement. That made me rest easier however I hate that it has come to me being forced to be the bad guy who won't let her come home. I can't rest either with her constant threats. I don't know if it will ever change until the disease progresses to where she no longer cares or is able to care.
I don't know much, but I do know this is not the first time the ALF has seen this kind of behavior!!!!! It sounds like you have a good support system. I'm so glad you hired a case manager. We are heading in that direction ourselves but of course my Mom is resistant!
The best you can give your mother is a well you! Your mother needs intensive care from a well trained psychiatrist specializing in dementia with the elderly. In addition a licensed and trained psychologist specializing in the elderly. Plus, a social worker specializing in the elderly to help you gain resources to assist. (which you have) You need a team of medical professionals on your side to be there for your Mom.
There's nothing the ALF manager hasn't seen. Encourage your mother as much as possible to participate in the social life of the facility.
Try to remember that your mother isn't really mad at you...it's rage at how her life has turned out, rage at the disease, rage at herself. You're just the easier target. If it gets too bad, take a break. At least you don't have to worry about her lying helpless outside or burning down the house. Focus on that and on getting well yourself. Seek some therapy for yourself to deal with these guilty feelings.
You don't answer her. I've been down this road. You cannot reason with a person who has dementia. You will never win an argument. Even if you "win" she will simply restate what she previously said.
I'd visit less often for awhile. Notify the staff that she is threatening suicide, but otherwise let matters settle. When you do visit, leave as soon as she starts in with her "I want to go home" tirade. Just leave.
If you are visiting every day, cut back to every three days or so. She needs to acclimate, and honestly, she will.
Don't waste what time you have with your mother by arguing. Don't expect her to understand, because she can't. If she is stuck on this on topic, leave, and don't go back for several days. I a month she'll be OK, I promise.
Location: Finally made it to Florida and lovin' every minute!
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Yes, this behavior is very common. WIth my g'mother, we were told it takes up to 6 months for them to adjust to a new environment and they will say and do whatever they think will work to get them out of there. And it's very common for an Alzheimer's patient to display a radical change in personality.
Be strong and take care of yourself. It's a sad thing to see, that's for sure.
Everything everyone has said to you so far is right on. Visit less often. Include the staff in this whole issue and enlist their help. Maybe your Mom will develop a relationship with one or two of the caregivers there, which will help her tremendously. Also there is medication for relaxation and perhaps she is at that stage that she needs to be calmed down with meds. Whatever, you must not blame yourself. You did the right thing putting her there. Do not take her out, whatever you do.
Omg, my situation was very similiar, only child, no family, she was an only child too and my dad passed away years earlier. It was a nightmare. She was in a beautiful alf, she said the meanest things to me, in a scary 'whaever happened to baby Jane' tone, she would tell me "you will regret the day you put me here for the rest of your life" . Be strong, sadly when the abuse becomes unbearable, walk away. And yes, I would advise the facility of her threats.
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