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Well, just be kind is my response, and not argumentative. But you could try to say something along the lines of "Not today. We can save that for another day. I need to go on home." And then just go on home.
One of the hardest things for me to do was put my mom on silent at night - but she insisted on calling me at 3 am. When I'd say "Mom, it's 3 am," she'd just say "So what? What are you up to?" When I'd say "Well, I was asleep," she'd just laugh. So I finally had to just put her on my ignore list every night from around 9 pm till 7 am. That was my boundary.
It does no good to argue with a person with dementia, or to try to reason with them. I love the idea of taking photos but I wouldn't show them to your sister, because it might distress her or embarrass her. I would just say "Not today," or "Not right now." That might also distress her but not in the same way if that makes sense. That's not arguing with her or trying to reason with her, which is absolutely impossible.
I see many people saying to remind her that you've already taken her to see whatever, but I wouldn't recommend doing that because it's likely to embarrass her or confuse her or whatever. She doesn't remember going there with you - and you're not going to win this argument with her and it only frustrates and upsets people. That's why i recommended just going along with things as much as possible but also just saying "Not today, maybe another day," when it's inconvenient to you.
Now - if she's getting in the car and not buckling up and the bell is ding-ing, wow, I'd just tell her "Sorry, but when I am driving you have to buckle up." Period. I know that's difficult but that's a healthy boundary and you need to stick with it. She's likely to get argumentative but she might not. Either way, she needs to be wearing her seatbelt and you need to not be hearing that bell go off!
If it's any comfort to you, my late husband could never seem to remember to put his belt on without a bell going off. Me - I never even LET the bell go off - my seatbelt is buckled before I ever start my car. But he had to be reminded with that bell. And THEN he'd mumble "ALRIGHT ALREADY!" like it was challenging him or bossing him some kind of way, and he'd begrudgingly buckle his belt WHILE DRIVING which was always awkward and struck me as ridiculous.
So I don't know which is worse but I do know I wouldn't be able to stand that bell going off over and over again.
I've learned that you're not supposed to say "Don't you remember? We talked about this" or "Remember, we did this yesterday?" It does nothing but antagonize them, because the part of the brain that is capable of reasoning it out ("Come to think of it, we might have") is gone. So all they hear is "you're calling me stupid."
This is a tough situation. I get it.
One thing that helped me was watching Teepa Snow videos on Youtube.
You can also try redirecting. "Oh sure, I'd love to see where you used to go to school! We're going to go run my errand on this side of town right now, but we'll go there after." With any luck, she'll be tired after your errands and you can just go home. Or "Good idea! I'll take you around that part of town tomorrow, because tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day." And then everyone forgets it was ever said. Of course, it will be a little different for every situation.
You'll have to get comfortable telling "therapeutic fibs," as they call them. It's not ideal, especially if you're someone who doesn't like to lie, but often it's the kindest, least upsetting way to handle your loved one's requests. Sometimes it's the only way to get through a visit without triggering a melt-down of some sort, which isn't good for anyone.
I'm sure her children are grateful that you're taking her out. That's a big help to them.
I've learned that you're not supposed to say "Don't you remember? We talked about this" or "Remember, we did this yesterday?" It does nothing but antagonize them, because the part of the brain that is capable of reasoning it out ("Come to think of it, we might have") is gone. So all they hear is "you're calling me stupid."
This is a tough situation. I get it.
One thing that helped me was watching Teepa Snow videos on Youtube.
You can also try redirecting. "Oh sure, I'd love to see where you used to go to school! We're going to go run my errand on this side of town right now, but we'll go there after." With any luck, she'll be tired after your errands and you can just go home. Or "Good idea! I'll take you around that part of town tomorrow, because tomorrow is supposed to be a beautiful day." And then everyone forgets it was ever said. Of course, it will be a little different for every situation.
You'll have to get comfortable telling "therapeutic fibs," as they call them. It's not ideal, especially if you're someone who doesn't like to lie, but often it's the kindest, least upsetting way to handle your loved one's requests. Sometimes it's the only way to get through a visit without triggering a melt-down of some sort, which isn't good for anyone.
I'm sure her children are grateful that you're taking her out. That's a big help to them.
Right. "Fibbing" becomes the new normal and it's not something that many of us are comfortable with but it resolves a lot of problems, buys us time, and it becomes more comfortable for everyone, including the person who is "forgetful."
As you said, she’s bored. Try to think of other activities you could do together. For example, what about going out for lunch and/or a shopping trip regularly once a week?
Tallysmom~
Depending upon how far your sister has deteriorated, you might try music that she grew up with. Especially music that she may know the lyrics to. (Even nursery rhymes can help those with dementia recall those words.)
I use this technique at the BHU (Behavioral Heath Unit.) It seems effective.
So sorry to hear of your sister's diagnosis. Alzheimer's is a great thief.
What about getting a book on how to deal with a person who has Alzheimer's? The library probably has something if you don't want to buy one. You might even be able to find a support group.
My mother has alzheimer's/dementia and doesn't remember anything from the day before (sometimes hours before). I don't remind her either because that will only cause her stress.
She will ask me the same questions everyday and I answer them as if she was asking me the first time. Yes, it take a lot of patience on my part but I want to keep her stress levels as low as possible.
As much as her brain is broken she is still able to play cards so we play every afternoon which is entertainment for her. Believe me there are days when I do NOT want to play cards but I do it anyway because she enjoys it so much. We also watch game shows together because she can't see the TV that well due to MD.
What helped me years ago was watching Teepa Snow video's to learn how to deal with my mother. I also learned the more I hug my mom and kiss her that helps as well. Human touch is so important.
I just moved back home because I really really want to be here. But my sister has dementia, and it is getting worse. And and apparently her anxiety has always been bad so there you go anyway.
She’s bored, and can no longer drive. And I don’t mind getting in the car and wandering around. That’s actually one of my favorite things to do. But she is intent on showing me her little town and all it has to offer — over and over and over again. because Alzheimer’s. I know you’re not supposed to tell them along the lines of hi, you’re not remembering this, but I can’t do this over and over again. At some point there has to be some fairness to me. I am not her primary caregiver.
Is it OK to say we just did that the other day? I don’t want to make this worse, but she’s already sensitive about this.
I would imagine that people who have this condition need more than ever to be reminded of reality to help them to grasp it, if only a little. Perhaps rather than just flat-out correcting them there would be a pleasant way to do this and hopefully with love in your heart and a smile on your face as you would with a child. Maybe just as an illustration something like: Oh I loved it when we went there a few days ago and then change the subject and ask her a question or make a comment about something totally different. As with children, answering them and changing the subject works well as their attention span can be short.
I respectfully disagree about "people who have this condition need more than ever to be reminded of reality to help them to grasp it, if only a little." In my experience, dementia does not work that way. There is no "reality" that makes sense to them--it's as though you, the dementia patient, woke up in a country where everyone you knew and everyone you met had starting speaking Norwegian , while you still thought and communicated in English.
They have brain damage, and can't really be reminded to remember something when the brain is damaged in that area.
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