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My SO and I went to first grade together in 1952/53, then later went to high school together. Very small school (45 in our graduating class), and we know each other but never dated.
50 some years later, I've been twice widowed and she is twice divorced. I was living in Hawaii and she was still living in Ohio. We reconnected on FB. I moved to Arizona and about 6 months later she came to live with me. Since then we moved back to Ohio and now are in Florida.
She is 77 years old and requires almost constant care. Limited mobility, can't always dress herself, suffers from diabetes, fibromyalgia, incontinence, lymphedema, etc. She can eat if the food is prepared for her, and is okay taking showers and using the bathroom. Two years ago she was tested for dementia and we were told she was in the early stages. She can't remember dates, or to take her many pills, or her insulin shots, and really can't manage her own affairs.
So I have been her care taker for over 5 years and have provided her with all her financial needs as well. She has one son, back in Ohio, who will be glad to go to the bank to claim what little money she has when she dies, but for now, he is no help. As her needs increase, my physical abilities are rapidly decreasing, and at this point I can barely do what needs done.
She is a medicare/medicaid patient, which means that no assisted living facilities will take her, so I am looking at nursing homes in the area. She is adamant that she will not go to a nursing home, and refuses to see that I just can't do it any more.
Sorry for the long rant, but I just don't know what to do.
Depending on her assets, it might be worthwhile to consult an attorney with expertise in elderly legal affairs and Medicaid.
Do you or she own your home or do you own it jointly?
Thanks for the link. Her only income is a small social security check, and her only asset is her checking account back in Ohio. I don't know the balance, but it is probably in the $5k range. We own nothing jointly. House is in my name only.
I understand her reluctance to go to a nursing home, but I struggle to meet her needs now, and her needs steadily increase while my physical condition steadily decreases.
Tomorrow, I plan on doing a drive by inspection of some of the facilities I found on line and next week give one or two of them a call. I'm not in a hurry to do this. just trying to think ahead.
I know this is difficult for you. You have my sympathy.
In order to qualify for Medicaid, it looks like she may need to spend down what is in the checking account. Has she prepaid her expected funeral costs? If not, that should be done. Is she capable of understanding that? Can she handle her money? Is her son on her account? Does he have power of attorney?
By the way, she is past the time when she would qualify for assisted living. She needs too much care from what you say.
I know this is difficult for you. You have my sympathy.
In order to qualify for Medicaid, it looks like she may need to spend down what is in the checking account. Has she prepaid her expected funeral costs? If not, that should be done. Is she capable of understanding that? Can she handle her money? Is her son on her account? Does he have power of attorney?
By the way, she is past the time when she would qualify for assisted living. She needs too much care from what you say.
I agree with needing to spend down the checking account. No to the prepaid funeral expenses. (I did mine last summer, she wasn't ready for that.) Yes she is capable of understanding that. I don't believe her son is on the account, or has POA. There may be a Payable on Death for him, but I'm not certain.
She is still in the early stages of dementia (my unprofessional opinion..) and the issues are mostly just short term memory. Taking her meds, etc. But she occasionally has problems with what should be routine tasks . She doesn't spend much money, since I pay all the household bills, groceries, etc. She mostly buys her own clothes, on line, which never fit, and I help her return them. (She is 5' tall and well over 200 lbs.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by skimbro000
Are y’all married? If you aren’t, then I’m not sure what your options are. Does she just have the one son?
No we are not married. And yes she has just the one son. If we were married she would not qualify for medicaid.
Thanks for the link. Her only income is a small social security check, and her only asset is her checking account back in Ohio. I don't know the balance, but it is probably in the $5k range. We own nothing jointly. House is in my name only.
I understand her reluctance to go to a nursing home, but I struggle to meet her needs now, and her needs steadily increase while my physical condition steadily decreases.
Tomorrow, I plan on doing a drive by inspection of some of the facilities I found on line and next week give one or two of them a call. I'm not in a hurry to do this. just trying to think ahead.
Depending which county in Fl and what is her health insurance - could you get home aids for her?
(You may be even allowed to switch her healthcare plan immediately which may include home aid if she was diagnosed with dementia or some other allowed condition)
What county are you in?
Maybe even consider “officially” charging her rent? It could help you pay for someone to come and help her for a few hours - bathing, washing, changing her?
She even could be entitled to some form of public assistance? Housing allowance? Cash? Supplement?
If you care and don’t mind still participating in her life - you may need a full power of attorney to manage her affairs s well as HIPPA signed by her to you
You should make her withdraw her savings account as well - as to have access to some programs she must have limited allowable assets.
She could do it by bank wire on line (She has to get on-line access most likely to bank in Ohio to do that?)
Reach out to social workers to make them do your legwork for her.
They would/should know what programs/facilities are available to her in her condition.
If she is capable understanding her situation - she should follow your guidance or else..she has no choice unfortunately for her.
(Hope it won’t come to that - but you may even need to officially “evict” her if she isn’t cooperating - learn about the process)
You did well.
You need to take care of your own health.
Thoughts are with you.
Last edited by L00k4ward; 08-26-2023 at 07:01 AM..
Depending which county in Fl and what is her health insurance - could you get home aids for her?
(You may be even allowed to switch her healthcare plan immediately which may include home aid if she was diagnosed with dementia or some other allowed condition)
What county are you in?
Maybe even consider “officially” charging her rent? It could help you pay for someone to come and help her for a few hours - bathing, washing, changing her?
She even could be entitled to some form of public assistance? Housing allowance? Cash? Supplement?
If you care and don’t mind still participating in her life - you may need a full power of attorney to manage her affairs s well as HIPPA signed by her to you
You should make her withdraw her savings account as well - as to have access to some programs she must have limited allowable assets.
She could do it by bank wire on line (She has to get on-line access most likely to bank in Ohio to do that?)
Reach out to social workers to make them do your legwork for her.
They would/should know what programs/facilities are available to her in her condition.
If she is capable understanding her situation - she should follow your guidance or else..she has no choice unfortunately for her.
(Hope it won’t come to that - but you may even need to officially “evict” her if she isn’t cooperating - learn about the process)
You did well.
You need to take care of your own health.
Thoughts are with you.
You could even ask her if she would rather go back to Ohio to deal with her situation if she has some extended family and more friends where she grew up and spent most of her life?
Maybe even her son could take her for a while if she has some monthly check coming?
The conversation doesn’t have to go bad - just say you are unable to help anymore and offer to help her move back?
You could even alert social services in Ohio about her situation - they could be helpful to her there too?
She is still in the early stages of dementia (my unprofessional opinion..) and the issues are mostly just short term memory. Taking her meds, etc. But she occasionally has problems with what should be routine tasks . She doesn't spend much money, since I pay all the household bills, groceries, etc. She mostly buys her own clothes, on line, which never fit, and I help her return them. (She is 5' tall and well over 200 lbs.)
No we are not married. And yes she has just the one son. If we were married she would not qualify for medicaid.
My poor dog was 40 pounds at the end of her life. My poor dog was about the weight of my toddlers - a quarter of a century ago. Back then, I had no problems picking up and carrying a 40 pounds, Today, my strength and spine are crappy. I'm not the same person anyone!
I couldn't physically be a caregiver and neither can you. End of sentence. You are responsible for your own health and welfare.
My mother entered a nursing home a couple of months before her stroke. I think it was helpful that she adjusted to her new surroundings before her stroke (which limited her mental processing).
With the earlier stages of dementia, entering a nursing home would be better too. She still has the ability to mentally adjust her surroundings. It will be a harder transition later on.
I would contact her son and explain her situation. Ask him what he wants. She has to go into a nursing home - the question is where.
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