How to help caregivers (child, adult, father, relative)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We [husband, disabled son and myself] moved from Colorado to Kentucky in late summer. There were multiple reasons for the move but one of them was so that when husband and I are no longer around that my oldest son, who lives near us, his wife and her incredible kids would be there to help youngest disabled son.
So far, for many reasons we love living here. We are also living much closer to one of my granddaughters, her husband and two great grandchildren. It seems to have had a positive impact on all of our physical health. My new daughter-in-law is beyond awesome.
Unfortunately, her father, keith, is now quite ill. No official diagnosis but it looks really bad. He will be moving into their home and Joyce will be his caretaker. My oldest son will be helping as well but he is working out of state for 2 weeks off and 2 weeks on.
We met Keith at the wedding last April and he is a sweet, good man. My husband and I, and especially my disabled son, adore him.
So, right now we are reasonably healthy, retired with tons of free time and we only live half an hour away. We want to help with taking care of the kids, cooking meals, staying with Keith sometimes so Casey and Joyce have some free time. And whatever.
I would like specific tips on how best to help. What are some of the little things we might not think of? Probably because of my disabled son I might have some ideas, things I wish others had helped us with, that we could do. But I have not had experience with helping a loved one who is dying. I guess I need tips on caregiving the caregiver. thank you.
My guess is that as you help in ways you’ve already thought of, you’re going to notice more things that you can offer to help with. I know it worked that way with my folks, things that wouldn’t occur to them to ask, or me to offer, we’d both realize when it eventually came up. Things like mom’s hands would shake too much to unwrap her little candies, so you unwrap the whole bag of them for her. Or dad would forget how to do things on the tv, so you set up a big whiteboard with electronics info in large print, propped up where he can see it. And while you stumble over these little things where you can help, your sincere offers and follow through are the best possible start.
Vicky, it really touches my heart that you are moved to help your daughter-in-law.
Without knowing specific details, I will speak on my experience as a caregiver to my mother in her last days of cancer. The biggest help to me would have been the opportunity to rest more.
Sleep is wonderfully restorative. Even on the darkest days of that experience, a short nap gave me the strength to keep going, both physically and mentally. Sleep deprivation, even in the best of circumstances, is devastating to the body and mind. It breaks you down, tears you apart, weakens you. It takes away your hope, your confidence in your own ability to manage the extremes of caregiving and, of course, the reality of what lies ahead when the caregiving is no longer needed.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Give Joyce the gift of rest. And when she says she doesn't need it, double down, because she does. Sleep is just as critical as food, drink, and the air we breathe.
You are incredibly awesome people! You have challenges of your own with the disability and yet you are making room to help others.
The biggest suggestion I would make (and I'm sure you are doing already) is don't ask "what do you need." Rather, suggest what you are going to do. "Joyce, how about you and Casey take next Saturday and Sunday off and stay overnight at cute little inn 45 minutes away. We'll come down and stay at your place and manage things."
Or, one morning call Joyce and say "We're bringing dinner over for you guys tonight. Does 6:00 work for you?"
I would LOVE it if one of my Dad's friends would offer to take him out to lunch one day or even just out for coffee.
We [husband, disabled son and myself] moved from Colorado to Kentucky in late summer. There were multiple reasons for the move but one of them was so that when husband and I are no longer around that my oldest son, who lives near us, his wife and her incredible kids would be there to help youngest disabled son.
So far, for many reasons we love living here. We are also living much closer to one of my granddaughters, her husband and two great grandchildren. It seems to have had a positive impact on all of our physical health. My new daughter-in-law is beyond awesome.
Unfortunately, her father, keith, is now quite ill. No official diagnosis but it looks really bad. He will be moving into their home and Joyce will be his caretaker. My oldest son will be helping as well but he is working out of state for 2 weeks off and 2 weeks on.
We met Keith at the wedding last April and he is a sweet, good man. My husband and I, and especially my disabled son, adore him.
So, right now we are reasonably healthy, retired with tons of free time and we only live half an hour away. We want to help with taking care of the kids, cooking meals, staying with Keith sometimes so Casey and Joyce have some free time. And whatever.
I would like specific tips on how best to help. What are some of the little things we might not think of? Probably because of my disabled son I might have some ideas, things I wish others had helped us with, that we could do. But I have not had experience with helping a loved one who is dying. I guess I need tips on caregiving the caregiver. thank you.
I am taking care of my 90 year old aunt and what would help us both would be for relatives and friends to come visit her (specifically her as she only has me to talk to except for the two days a week she goes to a senior center). She never was very good at making friends and her only friend lives 600 miles away and can't travel, neither can my aunt. We have lots of family but my daughter is the only one who comes to visit her. When you go over make an effort to go to Keith and visit with him. It sounds like you probably will already be doing that and all the other things you listed are good too.
thank you for all your wonderful suggestions. Slightly off the subject. I love, like and respect Joyce greatly and I think the feeling is mutual. But neither of us are totally comfortable around each other so far. I see how much more comfortable she is with others than me.[mostly my son's friends and my granddaughter and greats] I think we both might be trying too hard for the other to like us. I'm thinking that, through all the suffering to come that Joyce and I will finally feel comfortable with each other.
My disabled son, before we knew how ill Keith was, bought him a years subscription to "crunchy roll" [something to do with either video games or anime because Keith can not afford it] for Christmas and I imagine that L.J. and Keith will be spending alot of time watching and playing.
The doctor has already advised Joyce that she'll probably have to learn certain cleaning [for tubes? I don't know] techniques dfor Keith. Should I offer to learn them as well?
She's already asking me if I think he will die, if there will be a miracle, and I don't know how to answer other than saying I don't know but I am praying for the best.
this is all just so sad and I keep crying for Keith, Joyce, and the 2 kids. They are all such wonderful people.
I took care of the kids on Monday when Joyce took Keith to Lexington.[3 hours away] When she got home she was crying and saying "I can't do this. He is being so whiny and feeling so sorry for himself." I hugged her and told Bobby [husband] that I was worried.
Casey works on oil rigs, 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. He got home last night and called us this morning to ask if we will watch the kids tomorrow when they bring him to Lexington for imaging, oral surgery and a feeding tube. Their understanding is that he will be released tomorow as well but they want to bring him back to his own house because of his attitude and that last night he sneaked a cigarette in his room at Casey's house. He only spends 4 or 5 nights a month at his own house.
Bobby. LJ [my disabled adult son] Ronnie and I sat down and had a talk and then offerred to have Keith stay with us [LJ volunteered his bedroom] for 2 days a week. We called Casey and he is going to talk about it to Keith and Joyce. Of course we want to help in other ways as well.
I love Joyce and Casey so much and i don't think they are aware that, from what my daughter, A PA, from the info I have says, he's probably going to die and do it quickly.
Joyce adores her dad and I think she will be consumed with guilt if they turn their backs on him except for appointments No. I know she will.
They only got married to each other in April [second or third marriage for both, they are both mid forties] and I am really concerned this will negatively affect their relationship. It is Joyce who is saying she can't handle Keith being there and Casey is supporting her.
Take on some of the research projects. My brother who lives in Germany recently researched and found the best headset for my Dad to use while watching TV. It saved me maybe half an hour or an hour, but it was hugely appreciated. It is the "just one more thing to add to the list" little things that push you over the top.
Hospice, have they been contacted; for Joyce, there are meetings for caregivers.
Keith, does he have photos you could share, get him to record his story on a tape recorder or however one records today. Have a recording of my Dad's voice, his playing the organ.
Book, Tell me your story, dad from Amazon, a similar book given by our son, took to the nursing home, asked Bruce a question, What did you doing as a child ? Heard from.him things I never knew in 41+ of marriage ! Good conversations it gave us.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
