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it started as oral cancer but has spread. He is too weak to come home so he is doing hospice in the hospital. They only stopped using feeding tube and iv's last night.
When we visited on Saturday Bobby asked at the nurse station if he could bring in Keiths dog, Pepper. he was told no, but a little later one of the nurses came in and said the easiest time to sneak a dog in was on weekends because they only work with a skeleton crew. So the next day {Sunday] we sneaked him in wrapped up in a baby blanket. Several nurses came in during the 3 hours Pepper was there and they all said "I don't see anything." The entire time Pepper snuggled next to Keith and he was petting him. No groans of agony the whole time. He was just so happy to see his dog.
We're visiting today but not bringing the dog until this weekend again. If he lasts that long.
My son and Joyce both have said that they didn't want the dog but I imagine they will take Pepper now that everyone knows how serious this is. If they still don't, we have told them we will take Pepper and spoil him silly.
I am so worried about Joyce. The month before christmas she had all sorts of excuses to avoid us. I was worried that I had done something to offend her until she told us that 6 years ago she had a 3 month old baby, Elena, who died around Christmas. She totally isolates[still taking care of her 2 kids] for that month. I'm afraid of how she will handle it. I have stopped hugging her because her body stiffens when I do. I sell Avon so I brought her a basket filled with nurturing body products and a big box of chocolates.
She doesn't want us to come over and rarely returns our phone calls but when she does she'll talk about her daddy for 4 hours straight. About how much she loves him and what a great dad he was. She also talks about the guilt she feels because she and casey were pretty mean to him, telling to stop being so whiny losing patience with every word he spoke before the seriousnes of the situation became real.She also talks about how much she needs casey now.
Casey works on the oil rigs and won't be home until next tuesday or Wednesday. he'll be home for 12 days. I hope he is here when Keith dies and still home when they have funeral services. He wants his ashes spread in Joyce's and casey's backyard. It will be a very small ceremony and I will take care of all the food. His sister is an ordained minister and she will take care of the service. The service will either be at joyces aunts house or casey and Joyces house. And I'm rambling. will someone please help me and tell me what to do.
I know it's a helpless feeling to watch someone you care about grieving and hurting over the illness and imminent death of their parent.
As far as what you can do, I think offering to help shuttle the kids to/from school and various activities. Ordering something like a nice basket of bagels with various cream cheeses and having it delivered.
Does Joyce take care of the yard work? If so, maybe you could offer to mow the lawn or trim the shrubs - you don't have to go inside of the house. You just want to take some of the load off of her.
And I guess continue to listen to her when she feels the need to talk.
I'm very sorry that you all are going through this.
Also, don't take it personally if Joyce is feeling closed off and unreachable right now. Her heart is hurting and while some people lean on others to get through difficult times, others withdraw into their own cocoon of sorts.
We [husband, disabled son and myself] moved from Colorado to Kentucky in late summer. There were multiple reasons for the move but one of them was so that when husband and I are no longer around that my oldest son, who lives near us, his wife and her incredible kids would be there to help youngest disabled son.
So far, for many reasons we love living here. We are also living much closer to one of my granddaughters, her husband and two great grandchildren. It seems to have had a positive impact on all of our physical health. My new daughter-in-law is beyond awesome.
Unfortunately, her father, keith, is now quite ill. No official diagnosis but it looks really bad. He will be moving into their home and Joyce will be his caretaker. My oldest son will be helping as well but he is working out of state for 2 weeks off and 2 weeks on.
We met Keith at the wedding last April and he is a sweet, good man. My husband and I, and especially my disabled son, adore him.
So, right now we are reasonably healthy, retired with tons of free time and we only live half an hour away. We want to help with taking care of the kids, cooking meals, staying with Keith sometimes so Casey and Joyce have some free time. And whatever.
I would like specific tips on how best to help. What are some of the little things we might not think of? Probably because of my disabled son I might have some ideas, things I wish others had helped us with, that we could do. But I have not had experience with helping a loved one who is dying. I guess I need tips on caregiving the caregiver. thank you.
Nobody knows better than Joyce (and Casey) what would help them. Ask her. And don't take offense if she doesn't want any help.
while some people lean on others to get through difficult times, others withdraw into their own cocoon of sorts.
That was Dad and I caring for my mother after her stroke - both withdrawing into our cocoons to deal with the pain and, sorrow and hopelessness. It was a feeling of extreme loneliness, even though we both had each other. My mother was very emotionally ill after her stroke (not physically after a few months), so caring for her was beyond taxing. I cried secretly every day for almost two years. We got through it, but we don't know how - you just do! I screamed and ranted many times with my father over how to deal with my mother. She kept us up hundreds of nights over two years. We refused to put her in a care home, even though it was going to come to that at some point, as my father was getting close to 80 years old. I couldn't care for her 24/7 with no help.
When I look back on things, it was a sad life we were all living, caring for Mom 24/7. I feel guilty for leaving my dad for a few hours in the evening with my mother while I got out of the house for a while. I would go to bed at night, leaving him to tend to her. I just couldn't stay awake all night with her - I just couldn't. Dad needed much less sleep than me, as it was normal for him only to sleep 4 or 5 hours if that. In exchange, though, I allowed my father an hour or two in the afternoon to go to the store or do what he wanted while I looked after her in the afternoons. I don't know - it was just not a good life. It confuses me when I ponder it all. It was all bizarre and painful.
keith died about 3 weeks ago. Joyce says she was in denial about how sick he was. He died in the hospital. He died on a friday but the Sunday before he died we sneaked his little dog, Pepper, in to see him wrapped in a baby blanket. Keith was so happy that day. We were planning to bring Pepper gain the next weekend but he passed before them. We saw him the day before he died. He was asleep and the room just radiated a peacefulness. It was as though even though his heart was stil beating and he was stilll breathing that he was already halfway into a wonderful place.
Last edited by vicky3vicky; 04-07-2024 at 08:41 PM..
Reason: forgot to add something
keith died about 3 weeks ago. Joyce says she was in denial about how sick he was. He died in the hospital. He died on a friday but the Sunday before he died we sneaked his little dog, Pepper, in to see him wrapped in a baby blanket. Keith was so happy that day. We were planning to bring Pepper gain the next weekend but he passed before them. We saw him the day before he died. He was asleep and the room just radiated a peacefulness. It was as though even though his heart was stil beating and he was stilll breathing that he was already halfway into a wonderful place.
Thank you for the update. I'm sorry for your family's loss but it is good that you were able to sneak his pup in for a visit and that his last moment's were peaceful.
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