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Many of you will think I am crazy, but I could use a little advice! I will be turning 55 here in a few days and the hubby is 59! Please read my story and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! We have been together 30 years, when we met he had 2 sons, I had 2 daughters, we became a large family, then we adopted a set of twins and a baby boy, so we are the proud parents of 7 grown children! wonderful spoiled children! At one time my husband ran a very prosperous business, so we gave them everything they could ever ask for,traveled and took them places and did almost every single thing for them even now! The twins were the youngest and when they turned 18, I got excited for them and thought they would move out, get jobs, try to find a wonderful life for themselves! Boy I was wrong! My husband and I never had our alone time, we went straight to being a family! So I gladly told them that is fine with me I will move, so I moved downtown to a high rise loft, left them everything except for my personal items and told them to work, pay bills, (house payment) and enjoy life, that was 4 years ago! They have destroyed the house, it will take a few thousand dollars to fix back up, oh they have came and went but there has always been one or the other living there and I pay all their bills! Even their cell phone bills! Now one of my daughters has a beautiful 8 month old son, pregnant again, the other twin is pregnant and my youngest son moved back home and they fight and argue and call me constantly with their problems! The girls let their loser boyfriends move in who don't work and have a drug addiction, and do nothing! My husband has had several heart attacks, a double by pass surgery and has sudden cardiac death, so he is retired now! I am working at the public schools and try to foot the bill for everything! My health is starting to go down hill and a lot of depression is starting to set in! The 8 month old grand baby stays with us alot and brings us great joy! We are well known in our city and due to relatives and drug addictions and the recession, most people know about everything that happens, my brother in law was murdered in what I would call a brutal pre-meditated murder, it's like everything is going wrong and there is no happiness here! I love my children but they act like I am a rotating bank machine and I am tired, just real tired! I approached my husband with this ideal, we have enough money to get us thru about 6 to 8 months I know that's not much, but we will still have our retirement! I want to move! I want to move away from here! I want to go far away! I want to move to a place where we can make new friends, we don't even have another couple here to go out to dinner with or a movie, nothing, because of family and children and everyone knowing everything! I would like to move to almost like a place from the movie fried green tomato's! I want to be happy, have friends do things other people do, not worry about who is fighting with who or why! My husband probably doesn't have a lot longer to live and my health is falling fast, so we need to decide now, how stupid are we to just up and leave? To think of ourselves for once, to get our "honeymoon" time we never had? To have friends that don't know my relatives? I love all my children dearly and they can always visit us, but why can't I move a way , have some peace, I am in the middle of writing a book, I can finish my book, maybe we can find some hole in the wall my husband can work a few hours a day bartending a lil neighborhood pub or something? (we just sold our pub) we both have bartending experience, management, we have experience in everything should we have to go back to work but it should only be a part time job if we do! I know this is rambled and probably confusing, but writing it in between chasing the 8 month old around! Lol am I being selfish! Right now I work 50 hours a week they do nothing I pay everyone's bills and even take food and cigs to them, I do love them, I can't stand the thought of them doing with out but I don't think they will ever help themselves if I don't stop! But when you hold so much live for someone and they look at you with beautiful eyes you have always loved so much for so long it's hard to say no! Is there help out there?
Well you obviously created your own monsters here. You did them no favors by giving them everything but moreso you are really not helping by continuing to support them when they are adults. I can undestand you just wanting to move away, but what I think will happen is your kids will eventually follow you there and you'll be back in the mess you are now. I certainly think you need to cut them off financially. Tell them they have 30 days and then it is over, no more cell phone bills paid, no more cigarettes, nothing (and stick to that!). If you really think you can move away and start a new life without your children interferring, then go for it.
You have to cut it all off. Sure, there will be things to deal with because of it. You will be seen as the bad guy. But you laid the ground rules by over indulgence to your children. They have not learned to fend for themselves because you have taken care of everything. They now feel entitled. I realize you feel this was out of love, but giving them what you have has created this mess.
Not to criticize you, because I am sure it wouldn't help, but this is the worst type of parenting in modern day families. I have seen this in my daughter in law's family and its very sad. To be given everything on a silver platter, from day one, is a gross injustice to a child. Life is not like that in reality and you have been fostering magical thinking. If we all could get out of working, paying bills, and just lay around all day, the world would be nothing. It also breeds depression because those kids probably don't believe they are capable of anything. Its a little late to run away from all of it, as much as you would like to. Better to face up to the whole situation and try to change it. Set some rules. Provide some guidance. Be the parent you need to be.
I'm sorry OP if this sounds harsh, because I do have sympathy for you and nobody is perfect...However, did you really not see this coming? This is what happens when you spoil children and don't teach them how to be independent self-sufficient adults. It's our JOB as parents to prepare our children for the world. I'll never understand this form of parenting. Parents who love their children can still say "no"...really, it's ok and they'll respect and love you more for it. At this point though, it's probably too late for you to just start saying "no". You pretty much created this mess you're in. Sorry, but it's true.
Give'm a dead line to find a place or else get the police or other law enforcement to declare these kids as trespassers. They may not know the law so they may not call your bluff.
Honestly I don't know if this is serious or not. I cannot imagine anyone giving everything to their kids the way you said.
If this is the truth, you unfortunately have no one to blame but yourself. Without giving consequences, they are going to walk all over you. It is your time now, and time for them to help you. Cut them off. Give them 30 days to vacate your house and find a place of their own. Do not pay for anything else. If they are homeless, let them be homeless. Stop taking care of your grandchild if it is too much (and it sounds like it is). You have to change so they can become adults. Do not back down.
I feel sorry for your husband. It's finally time for you to pay some attention to him, and cut the umbiical cord. He needs you, that should be enough to satisfy your ego. It sounds like you feed off of their dependence upon you. You need to change and focus on your husband and what he would like to do with the rest of his life. Make a bucket list for the two of you. Sounds like he let's you run the show, let him make his own list.
I'm going to assume, for personal entertainment's sake, that the OP is sincere, and it's a legit problem.
1. Give up on writing a book. You don't know how to write a cohesive paragraph. That's one huge stress out of the way.
2. Accept that you have taught your children to rely on you, and that you will be their host while they leech off of you until you die. OR....
2a. Kick them ALL out, break ALL contact with them indefinitely, with no "maybe we'll get back" promises. Let them sink or swim on their own. This means financially as well. Cut up any credit cards they are authorized to access and close those accounts. Withdraw every cent that is in your name and theirs jointly, and open a new account in your name only. Evict your family from your destroyed house and sell it in a short-sale to get rid of it. Get a new place and don't tell them where it is, and don't give them your phone number. Have the cell phone service you pay for on their behalf, disconnected. Let the phone company know that you no longer have an account they can automatically withdraw from, so they should cut -their- losses and just pull the plug on the service. Anything tied financially to your kids should be halted completely. Including any college funds.
And while you spend the next years alone, without your kids, you will have plenty of time and space to ponder how and why you created such a ridiculous situation in the first place. I would also wonder what kind of idiot I had for a husband, who would actually put up with it.
I'm going to assume, for personal entertainment's sake, that the OP is sincere, and it's a legit problem.
1. Give up on writing a book. You don't know how to write a cohesive paragraph. That's one huge stress out of the way.
2. Accept that you have taught your children to rely on you, and that you will be their host while they leech off of you until you die. OR....
2a. Kick them ALL out, break ALL contact with them indefinitely, with no "maybe we'll get back" promises. Let them sink or swim on their own. This means financially as well. Cut up any credit cards they are authorized to access and close those accounts. Withdraw every cent that is in your name and theirs jointly, and open a new account in your name only. Evict your family from your destroyed house and sell it in a short-sale to get rid of it. Get a new place and don't tell them where it is, and don't give them your phone number. Have the cell phone service you pay for on their behalf, disconnected. Let the phone company know that you no longer have an account they can automatically withdraw from, so they should cut -their- losses and just pull the plug on the service. Anything tied financially to your kids should be halted completely. Including any college funds.
And while you spend the next years alone, without your kids, you will have plenty of time and space to ponder how and why you created such a ridiculous situation in the first place. I would also wonder what kind of idiot I had for a husband, who would actually put up with it.
Right on lady!
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wonderful spoiled children! At one time my husband ran a very prosperous business, so we gave them everything they could ever ask for,traveled and took them places and did almost every single thing for them even now! The twins were the youngest and when they turned 18, I got excited for them and thought they would move out, get jobs, try to find a wonderful life for themselves! Boy I was wrong! My husband and I never had our alone time, we went straight to being a family! So I gladly told them that is fine with me I will move, so I moved downtown to a high rise loft, left them everything except for my personal items and told them to work, pay bills, (house payment) and enjoy life, that was 4 years ago! They have destroyed the house, it will take a few thousand dollars to fix back up, oh they have came and went but there has always been one or the other living there and I pay all their bills! Even their cell phone bills! Now one of my daughters has a beautiful 8 month old son, pregnant again, the other twin is pregnant and my youngest son moved back home and they fight and argue and call me constantly with their problems! The girls let their loser boyfriends move in who don't work and have a drug addiction, and do nothing! My husband has had several heart attacks, a double by pass surgery and has sudden cardiac death, so he is retired now! I am working at the public schools and try to foot the bill for everything! My health is starting to go down hill and a lot of depression is starting to set in! The 8 month old grand baby stays with us alot and brings us great joy! We are well known in our city and due to relatives and drug addictions and the recession, most people know about everything that happens, my brother in law was murdered in what I would call a brutal pre-meditated murder, it's like everything is going wrong and there is no happiness here! I love my children but they act like I am a rotating bank machine and I am tired, just real tired! I approached my husband with this ideal, we have enough money to get us thru about 6 to 8 months I know that's not much, but we will still have our retirement! I want to move! I want to move away from here! I want to go far away! I want to move to a place where we can make new friends, we don't even have another couple here to go out to dinner with or a movie, nothing, because of family and children and everyone knowing everything! I would like to move to almost like a place from the movie fried green tomato's! I want to be happy, have friends do things other people do, not worry about who is fighting with who or why! My husband probably doesn't have a lot longer to live and my health is falling fast, so we need to decide now, how stupid are we to just up and leave? To think of ourselves for once, to get our "honeymoon" time we never had? To have friends that don't know my relatives? I love all my children dearly and they can always visit us, but why can't I move a way , have some peace, I am in the middle of writing a book, I can finish my book, maybe we can find some hole in the wall my husband can work a few hours a day bartending a lil neighborhood pub or something? (we just sold our pub) we both have bartending experience, management, we have experience in everything should we have to go back to work but it should only be a part time job if we do! I know this is rambled and probably confusing, but writing it in between chasing the 8 month old around! Lol am I being selfish! Right now I work 50 hours a week they do nothing I pay everyone's bills and even take food and cigs to them, I do love them, I can't stand the thought of them doing with out but I don't think they will ever help themselves if I don't stop! But when you hold so much live for someone and they look at you with beautiful eyes you have always loved so much for so long it's hard to say no! Is there help out there?
