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Im in need of a little help. I am moving out of state away from my family. I am extremely close with my mom and she is having a very hard time with this, and now, so am I. I have known for a year now that I am going to be moving, but it seems that the reality of it all just hit me in the past few days. I have never lived far away from home, I lived at home until I was 23, and I am the baby of the family. I am almost 26 and a lot of changes are coming in my life. Getting married soon, and moving away from home. My fiancee is in the military currently serving in Iraq, due home in a few months.
I have sought help from a military support forum that I am on, and well, they werent very supportive. Saying that my mom needs to mind her own business (but in a nicer tone). Im not wanting to exclude my family from my life, I want to maintain a strong relationship with them, while living far away. My fiancee has about 13 years left of military service, so we will have many moves ahead of us. I understand all of my moms feelings, at times they range from sadness to guilt trips, and she is very concerned that "if" something happens she cant be there (right away atleast). Im the only child out of 3 to move far away and I am unsure how to deal with all of this. I am now very nervous about moving to a new state, and place I have no clue about, yet at the same time Im a bit excited. Im sure what I am feeling is normal, but dont want to really tell my fiancee about being nervous. He has so many other things to worry about right now. I just want his main focus to be, coming home safe.
Im just not sure how to deal with all of this....any advice would be appreciated.
Wow, you have a lot going on! My heart goes out to you!
As the only one of 3 kids who moved away 6 years ago (from NY to AL and now WA), I can totally appreciate how challenging this is for your mom (and you).
Not sure if this will help, but this is what we do:
-have a phone date once a week that we can't miss
-fly out there once/year and have my family out here once/year so we never go more than 6 months without seeing each other
-webcam (so granny can see her grandson )
-lots of pictures sent via email/Picasa
-use a discount flights notifier (just in case we need to get there quickly in case of an emergency, it helps to know what's the most cost effective option)
Even though it's not the same as living nearby, there are some pluses to being long-distance (y'know how we can take things for granted when close by?). For example, my mom loves our standing phone date (guaranteed catch up time above and beyond any random calls) and getting to see new parts of the country. Again, not sure if this helps, but good luck - I'm sure you'll find a way that works for your family to stay close.
Oh gosh. Where to start? Ok, I'll start with that I just put my mom on a plane home yesterday.
I feel for you, I do. I too am close with my mother - and I'm also the youngest child (but far from young!). I've been moving for more years than you've been alive - at first with my family, and then not (single and pigheaded), and then with my own family.
Your mother probably simply can't get her head around this. If you're from a family that's always lived in one area... this is going to be hard. Telling you that she should mind her own business is not helpful, no. It doesn't work like that.
Some things for you to think about:
a) how to stay in touch. These days - with the internet especially - it's pretty darn easy and cheap to free. Voice Over Internet Protocol sites are easily downloaded and then you can chat for as long as you like, as often as you like and it's free. Webcams or whatever thingy you plug into a pc so you can see the other person are also readily available. Now, all this presupposes you mother either has access to the internet or she's willing to learn how to use it. If she does not or she isn't willing you'll need an unlimited long-distance calling plan from your telephone services provider. If you're staying within the US, it's easy. If you're headed overseas with your husband, the internet is the only cost-effective option.
b) You need to make sure that the saying "out of sight, doesn't mean out of mind" gets through to her. Just because you aren't there, doesn't have to mean you are cut off from what's going on. Again, communication is key. We (me and my siblings) all grew up thousands of miles away from family... and yet we all grew up very close to them and with a very special relationship with particular aunts and uncles, cousins, and our grandparents. It's wholly achieveable - it just takes a bit of effort from allsides, not just yours - remember that.
Yes, there will be things that you miss, you have to accept that and it would be foolhardy for you to think that it will be as it was. It won't. It will be different. But different doesn't mean worse - or even better - just different.
c) Air fares: it possible to fly anywhere within the US for not too much money as long as you plan in advance. Make the plans... it will give her something to look forward to. It also provides a definitive date of when she'll see you again.
d) Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. May your husband-to-be make it home safely.
There isn't a right way or a wrong way to deal with this. Every family is different - every family has its own dynamics going on. Your mother just isn't used to the idea of you living far away and for all you know, her imagination has run away with her (i.e. you'll fall off the end of the earth and she'll never see you again). Try to talk about it - how she feels, how you feel, how excited and nervous you are... how you'll miss her too. But just because she isn't down the street or around the corner, it doesn't change your relationship. That will continue across the many miles.
Changes come harder to people that are older &/or people that are not used to them. They need longer to adjust to the idea - your mom may not like it, but she will adjust in time. There's just a lot hitting her at once.
You also have every reason to be nervous - you're about to step into the great unknown (unknown to you and that's all that matters). Nervousness isn't necessarily a bad thing, you know. The best advice I can offer you is that you need to move with an open mind. You'll meet a whole new bunch of people - and remember that a lot of them are people just like you - also unsure of their new surroundings while other "old hands" will be around to show you the ropes.
Try to just take one thing at a time. If you try to think about everything at once, you're just going to feel overwhelmed. I personally make lists... it's how I sort out what's important and what's not; what needs to be dealt with first, etc.
You're about to embark on an adventure. Try to enjoy it.
^^^^ I read the whole thing, very inspirational...
3Cali, I first moved away when I was 19. Then after having come into some issues moved back with family a year and a half later. Then I left for 2 weeks, and came back again. The 2nd time I came back my mum almost didnt want me to come back. Well, it wasnt that...it was more like, if you come back then I would have to do this, this and that.
Basically, when Im with mum its constant bickering and I love to be away. Then once Im away for awhile and although I dont think 'I want to come back', I still think about it. When the differences are weighed, its better that Im AWAY than to be too close.
Listen, you wont miss her as much as you think. However, don't panic during the first 24 hours, you may suddenly cry and feel a rush of brief sadness. Its normal. When I first moved I suddenly started crying on the last 60 miles of my 1,500 mile move. But once you get to whereever you are you wont even feel the distance. Remember, distance is as far as a phone call or a 8 hour flight (if you're cross-country). Once you're busy and doing your life, and learning the town, you will adjust to it. You can call each other twice a day if you have to for the first month if it helps.
Besides, you have your husband...your attachment to him will become as strong, if not stronger than the one you have with mom. Trust me on that one. Wish you well!
When you married your husband, you married the military. I hope at least that you two discussed this before getting married. Now your committment is to your husband and the life you have chosen.
With that said, I remember my freshmen year of college. My parents helped me get situated, we went to Target for some last minute items, had lunch and then said our goodbyes. Then I went to my dorm and cried for about 2 hours. I couldn't believe I was homesick already!!
I know exactly what you are going through. Our situations may be different but in essence it is the same. I think it gets easier with time. Even now, 10 years after graduating college, I am away from my Mom and there are times I miss her terribly but we keep in touch and she visits a lot. We talk on the phone even if we have nothing to say. If she were more computer literate, I would set up a webcam to instead of just talking on the phone, I'd be able to see her, too.
There are definitely ways to stay in touch. I hope that you can be open and honest about this with your husband. I know when I have my "down days" there's nothing like a good cheer-up from my hubby. Have fun with the new move and enjoy the new town you live in!
Thank you for all of you responses. I have found them very helpful. It makes me feel a little more confident. I think my mom has always imagined having her family close by and everyone together for the holidays. I also know that she is thinking about her future grandchildren and she wont get to see them as much as she sees my sisters girls. I do like the web cam idea, and when we eventually have kids, I know that she will be excited to see them. I think as a first step, I will invite my mom to come out there shortly after I move, and have her help me decorate. Than that way she can also see where I live and know that I am safe.
I think as a first step, I will invite my mom to come out there shortly after I move, and have her help me decorate. Than that way she can also see where I live and know that I am safe.
A very good idea. By engaging her in active participation, it will also help her feel less cut-off or excluded from your new life... so later on when you talk to her about a place in the house, or on the base, or in town, she'll be able to picture what or where you're talking about.
A very good idea. By engaging her in active participation, it will also help her feel less cut-off or excluded from your new life... so later on when you talk to her about a place in the house, or on the base, or in town, she'll be able to picture what or where you're talking about.
I think this is a very good idea. Some of my family came here a few weeks after we moved in and I think it helped the situation. They didn't feel so left out, but also seemed to realize that this was the way things were gonna be, and helped them deal with it.
My heart goes out to you. I am 37 yrs old and this is the first time in my life I've been away from my family. One family member in particular tried to make me feel guilty, but you have to be strong. Good luck to you.
My heart goes out to you. I am 37 yrs old and this is the first time in my life I've been away from my family. One family member in particular tried to make me feel guilty, but you have to be strong. Good luck to you.
And you also have to appreciate that there is NO excuse for emotional blackmail. None. Ever.
I'm glad you found the resolve to deal with your situation. Enjoy your adventure.
Im in need of a little help. I am moving out of state away from my family. I am extremely close with my mom and she is having a very hard time with this, and now, so am I. I have known for a year now that I am going to be moving, but it seems that the reality of it all just hit me in the past few days. I have never lived far away from home, I lived at home until I was 23, and I am the baby of the family. I am almost 26 and a lot of changes are coming in my life. Getting married soon, and moving away from home. My fiancee is in the military currently serving in Iraq, due home in a few months.
I have sought help from a military support forum that I am on, and well, they werent very supportive. Saying that my mom needs to mind her own business (but in a nicer tone). Im not wanting to exclude my family from my life, I want to maintain a strong relationship with them, while living far away. My fiancee has about 13 years left of military service, so we will have many moves ahead of us. I understand all of my moms feelings, at times they range from sadness to guilt trips, and she is very concerned that "if" something happens she cant be there (right away atleast). Im the only child out of 3 to move far away and I am unsure how to deal with all of this. I am now very nervous about moving to a new state, and place I have no clue about, yet at the same time Im a bit excited. Im sure what I am feeling is normal, but dont want to really tell my fiancee about being nervous. He has so many other things to worry about right now. I just want his main focus to be, coming home safe.
Im just not sure how to deal with all of this....any advice would be appreciated.
Hi Cali. I'm sorry to hear you're nervous and your mother seems to add fuel to this (I dont mean that in a bad way). Not everyone experiences this, but some do, and you're very close to your family - a very admirable and amazing thing in this day
My advice would be to look at this whole situation as an adventure. You will be your Mom's eyes, too, how exciting will that be? You are going to go somewhere, set up camp, and then send for Mom to come and explore new territory with you! You and your Mom can remain VERY close while living far away. Most phone plans have an option for free long-distance within the U.S. now. With flights going at rock bottom rates, there hasnt been a better time to be a distance away from someone, either. Those are just some 'bright sides' to this.
There is SO MUCH that the different states have to offer, its unreal. There is no better learning experience than to be submersed in another way of life for a while, either. Even though you're still going to be in the U.S., there will be a new culture to learn about and a history of that area - take advantage of that! I would contact the chamber of commerce in the area you're moving to, or the website that has travel stuff, and get them to send you gobs of info. Lounge and read through it, share it with your Mom, and let yourself get excited and interested in different aspects of your new area that you can later explore.
If you can, allowyourself to get excited about this move, and also allow your Mom to be upset (and you as well, its ok). Its upsetting! But its still exciting as you've said. Maybe whip out a calendar and set a date for your Mom's first visit?
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