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I'm sorry if I missed it, but did the poster happen to mention the ages of these grandparents? I think that makes a big difference if you are in a different stage of life. I have a daughter who is 26, recently married, and I guess will probably plan on having a child in the next couple of years. I also have a 12 year old myself (had her when I was 37) and frankly, I am kind of burnt out. I know I would be willing to help out with occaisional babysitting, but realistically, I am looking forward to having some time for myself. Of course my youngest will probably be prime babysitting age by then....
I get it if there is physical or mental frailty involved, that makes sense. My parents didn't babysit for that reason, they spent alot of time with her but I could count on one hand the times they were alone with her.
But why should they have to justify their choices, even if they aren't frail or otherwise unable, because YOU (not you, Lisa, specifically ) expected them to be a different kind of grandparent than they are.. Maybe they just do not view spending time with the grandchildren (at whatever stage the kids are at) as a positive way to spend an afternoon, even when compared to sitting back and doing nothing all day. (Heck, I think I am looking forward to a point in my life where I can do that, too!) I don't see how one can be offended by that. I just can't think of any other situation where this you-owe-it-to-me-to-be-THIS-way attitude would be acceptable as healthy, respectful, behavior between adults. I realize that it hurts when the very people YOU value do not value your children as much as you do, but I don't they are doing it to intentionally hurt anyone. If they are, then I would classify them as unhealthy, dramatic, evil grandparents who likely shouldn't be around the kids anyway.. I would know about these ones- my son had a grandmother exactly like this!
What I've discovered is that if the grandparent is extremely univolved, then they recieved tons of help when their children were small. And if the grandparent is extremely helpful, then they recieved little to no help when their children were little.
I have several older friends that agree with me, they are helpful since they recieved little to no help. Unfornately my children's grandparents are univolved and extended family members are usually shocked when they find out that they haven't seen the kids for a year or have not help out. Aunts and uncles always go on and on about how much help my husband's parents recieved.
The way I view it is that's the relationship they have decided to foster (dispite my proding) and my children have several older individual to look up to. My husband and I, both make sure we speak positivly about the grandparents, however my 5 year already doesn't care to speak to them on the phone. She'll tell them I'll see you the next time I visit and ask if they are ever going to visit.
Deerisle- I recall a couple of postsers mentioning that these absentee grandparents want to put on a big "show" of being Grandma and Grandpa-- but when their audience is gone, so is the affection for the baby. I'm sure that's part of what hurts these parents.
I'm sorry if I missed it, but did the poster happen to mention the ages of these grandparents? I think that makes a big difference if you are in a different stage of life. I have a daughter who is 26, recently married, and I guess will probably plan on having a child in the next couple of years. I also have a 12 year old myself (had her when I was 37) and frankly, I am kind of burnt out. I know I would be willing to help out with occaisional babysitting, but realistically, I am looking forward to having some time for myself. Of course my youngest will probably be prime babysitting age by then....
MIL is mid 60s and my mother is late 50s..... Neither in poor health.
But why should they have to justify their choices, even if they aren't frail or otherwise unable, because YOU (not you, Lisa, specifically ) expected them to be a different kind of grandparent than they are.. Maybe they just do not view spending time with the grandchildren (at whatever stage the kids are at) as a positive way to spend an afternoon, even when compared to sitting back and doing nothing all day. (Heck, I think I am looking forward to a point in my life where I can do that, too!) I don't see how one can be offended by that. I just can't think of any other situation where this you-owe-it-to-me-to-be-THIS-way attitude would be acceptable as healthy, respectful, behavior between adults. I realize that it hurts when the very people YOU value do not value your children as much as you do, but I don't they are doing it to intentionally hurt anyone. If they are, then I would classify them as unhealthy, dramatic, evil grandparents who likely shouldn't be around the kids anyway.. I would know about these ones- my son had a grandmother exactly like this!
Well, I think the excitement that both G-Mothers had initially may have led us to believe they'd be more involved than they have been..... Keep in mind we aren't asking for them to EVER watch her at this point. Just pay attention to her the once every month or two that you see her for more than two minutes!!!
What I've discovered is that if the grandparent is extremely univolved, then they recieved tons of help when their children were small. And if the grandparent is extremely helpful, then they recieved little to no help when their children were little.
I have several older friends that agree with me, they are helpful since they recieved little to no help. Unfornately my children's grandparents are univolved and extended family members are usually shocked when they find out that they haven't seen the kids for a year or have not help out. Aunts and uncles always go on and on about how much help my husband's parents recieved.
The way I view it is that's the relationship they have decided to foster (dispite my proding) and my children have several older individual to look up to. My husband and I, both make sure we speak positivly about the grandparents, however my 5 year already doesn't care to speak to them on the phone. She'll tell them I'll see you the next time I visit and ask if they are ever going to visit.
Interesting theory...... I can speak to my mother who received tons of help from her parents but knowing her parents (my grandparents) it wasn't without unspoken conditions..... Anyway my parents had to move to the same town as my mother's parents and then received financial help and baby sitting help...
We are getting ready to retire - our young grandchildren live in another state...we see them about 4 times a year. We want to spend time with them but do not want to do a lot of babysitting. We raised 4 sons and have done our share of watching and raising children. We want to spend fun times with our grandchildren when we see them - but we will be young retirees and have lots of adventures and traveling that we plan to do. It isn't that we don't want to be involved in our grandchildren's lives - we do...but we have active, diverse lives of our own as well. Our children can well afford to pay for babysitters if they need a break - our job, as we see it, is to take our grandchildren out for fun days at the zoo, aquarium, the beach, etc....buy them toys, take them out for ice cream, have fun talks with them...that kind of thing.
By doing those things you are giving a break to the parents. And that is a wonderful thing. Too many grandparents do not do that. In my case the grandparents have always come up with excuses "such as when they are their cousins age then we will do that"... funny thing my oldest always seems 2 years too young. All we have do is ask them to spend time with them. I even asked them to take just my three year old down to the beach (I currently can not get in the sun do to skin cancer) and they acted as if I said nothing. Please note my children are extremely well behaved and even better behaved when they are around people they do not know well, but want to spend more time with.
while the grandparents on both sides lived less than 3 hours away they would rarely come to visit...... .We recently moved away and both grandmothers were upset and "wanted to be near thier granddaughter" but we never saw it while we lived close by.
Did you ask them that if they were so upset, why didn't they come to see their only granddaughter very often?
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) expected them to be a different kind of grandparent than they are.. Maybe they just do not view spending time with the grandchildren (at whatever stage the kids are at) as a positive way to spend an afternoon, even when compared to sitting back and doing nothing all day. (Heck, I think I am looking forward to a point in my life where I can do that, too!) I don't see how one can be offended by that. I just can't think of any other situation where this you-owe-it-to-me-to-be-THIS-way attitude would be acceptable as healthy, respectful, behavior between adults. I realize that it hurts when the very people YOU value do not value your children as much as you do, but I don't they are doing it to intentionally hurt anyone. If they are, then I would classify them as unhealthy, dramatic, evil grandparents who likely shouldn't be around the kids anyway..
