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Hi Blue, I see that you are from Cincinnati (among other places) I went thru Jr. High and High School in Cincinnati.
I was born in Lockland just after Pearl harbor..My dad worked for Wright Aeronautical at that time..After the war he lost his job and had to work as a butcher in a local momand pop store..
Perhaps there is something to be said for not having expectations that other people will live out the roles that you anticipate or expect of them. Some people (I am in that group) love being Grandparents and relish the role and responsibilities that go with it.
But not everyone does. Just as it is wrong for parents to start pressuring their married kids to have children with frequent references to "when are you going to give me a grandchild" and the pressure intensifying if a couple puts off making that commitment--it is wrong for the children to have specific expectation that their parents will be involved with grandchildren or what that involvement entails. The decison to have a child is a personal decision by the parenting couple, they wouldn't want the grandparents to be involved in the decision and really have little right to make an independant decision and then have expectations of what that means for those who aren't primarily involved. (I think I believe this, but am not really convincing myself.)
Elston and blue, you sound like great grandparents.
We're in a similar boat with my husband's parents, but I no longer care. His mother just doesn't show the interest I thought she would, and his father.....eh. They are very sweet to my daughter when she's around, but she's around because we take her to visit them, and that's not very often because we've given up. My FIL and his wife don't even remember my daughter's birthday. The thing that gets me about my MIL? My husband's sister has two children and she ADORES them. They are with her all the time. I used to think I didn't get it, but I do: my mother in law is close to my sister in law and she is "her" child. My husband is his father's son, and my MIL resents the hell out of my FIL since the divorce (14 years ago) and she sees her ex in my husband.....always will. Hell, she tried to talk me out of marrying him: "he's just like his father, and he'll do to you what his father did to me!"
Whatever.
I gave up and don't really care. Husband doesn't either. My daughter has a terrific set of grandparents (my mom and dad) who adore her, that she loves dearly and is very close to. That's all she needs.
Pumpkin, let it go. You can't change them. I just wouldn't tolerate the snarky comments and the rudeness. Tell them (or get your husband to) to shove it where the sun doesn't shine and call it a day.
They are not touchy feely, express their emotions etc, but I sure do worry about how our children will grow and feel about having several grandparents who are very involved (almost spoiling them of course) and one grandmother who is very distant..
Your kids will feel the same way I felt about a hostile, self-centered grandmother.They won't feel much for for the "distant" ones. But no worries as they have another pair with whom they are close.
Really, when the kids are tiny, they might enjoy the fuss grandparents make over them, but what does it really do for them, and how much do they really remember?
I think they always remember loving grandparents. I have heard several times adults say of all the people they have loved most was a grandparent.
Really, when the kids are tiny, they might enjoy the fuss grandparents make over them, but what does it really do for them, and how much do they really remember?
I think they always remember loving grandparents. I have heard several times adults say of all the people they have loved most was a grandparent.
Oh DEFINATELY! I makes me almost want to cry just thinking that somebody would dismiss that kind of grandparent affection.
This thread could not have come at a better time for me. For the OP-I'm sorry you have to deal with this stuff too, but it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. LOL. I like to try and believe that it doesn't bother me, but for my daughter's sake it does. I try to get to the mindset that my in-laws (who I compare to the groom's parents in My Big Fat Greek Wedding) are making a bed they will have to lie in one day and not get myself too upset. What makes it more difficult is that they are hands on 100% available to their other son's daughter who is 2 months older than my 2 year old daughter because they feel like they need to pick up their deadbeat son's slack and atone for his sins with his EX-wife (who he was only married to for about a year-such a long story). My in-laws live 5 minutes (no exaggeration) from us and I can count on one hand how many times they've come to see our daughter. My MIL has shown more interest in coming to weed our garden than see her granddaughter (who is also named after her). When I was home on maternity leave-she came once and she doesn't work. I could go on...What is frustrating is the disparity between the treatment of her 2 granddaughters. If this was just her personality across the board I could accept it better, but it's not. I get that the situation with my BIL's kid may "require" more attention from her, but I don't think it is reason enough to blow off her other son's daughter. And MY mom-she's more concerned with harping on the discord between her and my sister and not being able to see her kids than enjoying the granddaughter she can see anytime she wants. She would come to visit my sister and her kids (when they were talking) and not tell me she was coming. Whatever. My step-mother, on the other hand, should write a book on how to be a great step-mother and then step-grandmother, because she is a wonderful blessing in my daughter's life. She is excited to see her all the time, volunteers for babysitting whenever she can and is the only one who showed excitement when we announced we are pregnant with our second child. She blows my mind but I'm thankful. I look forward to hearing my MIL's answer though, when my daughter asks, "Nana, how come you don't like to come see me?"
I think after I post I will have to ask for advice for myself! I really feel your pain because my parents both in my opinion have not taken seriously the granparent role in their grandchildren's lives. As a product of divorce at age 5, my dad is a complete write off because he chose his new wife and they had a child and thats their world...I have five boys oldest is now 18 youngest is 1. To make matters worst our six year old was fighting brain tumor since he was almost four and my dad never even sent him a card. He never bothers for their birthdays. My mom also doesnt take seriously her role as grandmother and has always responded negatively with each of my announcements of being pregnant. I finally got my tubes tied sick of hearing her mouth.
It is all their loss! We have to learn how foolish they are and not make same mistakes with our future grandchildren. Families just aren't what they used to be. I wish I was from a greek family these days!
Cathy I read your pain in your post..Not only do your children need loving grandparents, but you need a mother and father whom you can depend on and who will show you their love by loving your children..My children and my grandbabies are the center of my life, and I am a big part of theirs..I only hope that your husbands parents are a part of your childrens lives..I agree that the family of today has changed..I sincerely hope that your parents, at least your mom will wake up one of these days and accept the blessing of grandchildren and be part of their lives.
Bless you heart pumpkin. Been there, done that on one side of the family...
maybe you can befriend an older couple at church, that has no granduns, (or at least close by) that would enjoy visiting with your llittle ones. Or maybe you could see if there are some assisted living, or nursing homes that do not mind children visits. There are even some that encourage families to 'adopt' grandparents.
Think outside the box.
and be as cordial to the in laws, as they are to you...ahem...
good luck
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its their loss
