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My mother, grandma, called me upset. Her grandson, my 5 year old nephew, keeps showing up to her house with painted pink, red, mauve fingernails and toes by his other grandma. My mom says she feels embarrassed and uncomfortable taking him outside to play with other kids in her neighborhood or to the local park when he regularly stays with her. She said adults and kids do stare, do a double take and she is worried he will be ridiculed. She said she has asked my brother about this and he said his wife said to leave it on the boy as his wife thinks it is no big deal. My nephew asks for his nails to be painted when the other grandma paints his sister's nails and toenails. My parents feel that the little boy isn't old enough to understand the social implications of wearing pink/red nail polish and so they don't think it is fair for his other grandma to be putting this on him at his young age. He has just started wearing it to school this week. They said my brother defers to his wife on most decisions and he is going along with whatever she thinks is okay.
My mother wants to take it off when he comes to stay with them because it makes her uncomfortable but my dad tells her not to. Dad said he may have a talk with my brother and request that they take the nail polish off the boy when he comes to visit and stay with my parents since it upsets my mother. He's not sure if it is their place to request this though and is worried it will seem out of line. My parents often have him and his sister over for over nights or the entire weekend so parents can get a frequent respite and break from their grueling work schedules. I think given my parents' generation/age they just are not used to this kind of 'gender fluid' attitude and cannot understand why they are doing this. My mom's main concern is that my nephew will be made fun of and the kids will remember him wearing the pink nail polish. He goes to a k-12 private school and will likely be with these kids for years to come.
My parents think this something he could choose to do for himself at a much later age when he understands the implications. I'm honestly confused and not sure what to tell them when they called me for advice so I am curious and interested in what others think about this. Is this a big deal, no big deal? I'm not really sure? Just drawing on my own experiences with my son, I know my own son at that age would not have let me paint his nails or put makeup on him. If I recall, he was very aware of his gender and would not wear more girly type things, makeup, nail polish, etc. For example, he would take his sister's doll or play princess heels and pellet them across the room like a ball, dart, etc. I'm just saying the issue never arose with my son and I don't think we fostered some overly macho type attitude in him. He just was this way.
Thanks in advance for input and feedback!
Last edited by Mrs. Golightly; 12-23-2020 at 04:21 PM..
This is a tough one. The best thing is for no one to make a big deal out of it. Kid is going to be who he is, whether maternal grandma paints his nails pink/red or not, whether someone dresses him in skirts or not, whether someone takes him to monster truck rallies or not.
But he will be made unhappy by the conflict. So let it go.
This is a tough one. The best thing is for no one to make a big deal out of it. Kid is going to be who he is, whether maternal grandma paints his nails pink/red or not, whether someone dresses him in skirts or not, whether someone takes him to monster truck rallies or not.
But he will be made unhappy by the conflict. So let it go.
It makes grandma very uncomfortable and embarrassed when he stays with her though. Does she have the right to remove the nail polish for the weekend when she is caring for him, taking him around to lots of places? She babysits the kids a lot in order to give parents a break so they can relax on weekends or go out of town, date nights as a couple. I can see her perspective but maybe I am being old fashioned, out of touch with how things are these days .
Last edited by Mrs. Golightly; 12-23-2020 at 05:11 PM..
It makes grandma very uncomfortable and embarrassed when he stays with her though. Does she have the right to remove the nail polish for the weekend when she is caring for him, taking him around to lots of places? She babysits the kids a lot in order to give parents a break so they can relax on weekends or go out of town, date nights as a couple. I can see her perspective but maybe I am being old fashioned, out of touch with how things are these days .
No she does not have the right.
If I knew my parent/parent in law was "uncomfortable and embarrassed" by my young child I'd put an immediate end to any and all visits.
It makes grandma very uncomfortable and embarrassed when he stays with her though. Does she have the right to remove the nail polish for the weekend when she is caring for him, taking him around to lots of places? She babysits the kids a lot in order to give parents a break so they can relax on weekends or go out of town, date nights as a couple. I can see her perspective but maybe I am being old fashioned, out of touch with how things are these days .
Your mom needs to get over it. If your son likes it let him be. IMO your mom is being selfish, she’s worried more about how she is perceived than your son’s comfort.
It's not about your grandma, it's about the little boy and his family. Yes, it's an old fashioned and out of touch attitude, time to drag your mother into the modern world.
This is a tough one. The best thing is for no one to make a big deal out of it. Kid is going to be who he is, whether maternal grandma paints his nails pink/red or not, whether someone dresses him in skirts or not, whether someone takes him to monster truck rallies or not.
But he will be made unhappy by the conflict. So let it go.
Yes, kid is going to be who he is regardless. Totally agree. He's only five. Why do this to a five year old at this young age and have kids make fun of him. Other kids bullying him is more of a conflict now, than a loving grandmother gently telling her five year old grandson no. I feel bad for this kid. As he gets older and it is very clear that he is transgender, or whatever, then fine. But at five?
Why is the grandma painting his nails? Is this her idea? Is the five year old just looking for grandma's attention?
It makes grandma very uncomfortable and embarrassed when he stays with her though. Does she have the right to remove the nail polish for the weekend when she is caring for him, taking him around to lots of places? She babysits the kids a lot in order to give parents a break so they can relax on weekends or go out of town, date nights as a couple. I can see her perspective but maybe I am being old fashioned, out of touch with how things are these days .
Grandma needs to get over herself. The CHILD is asking that his nails be painted when other-Grandma is doing hers and his sister's nails. She isn't holding him down and forcing this on him. The PARENTS have chosen to respect the child's wishes that he would like his nails painted.
A week from now, a month from now, he may decide he doesn't want to do this any more. Or, he may always decide he likes his nails painted. But Grandma (your mom) has absolutely no right to take the polish off his nails any more than she would have to cut his hair because she didn't approve of how his mom and dad were styling it.
My first thought was grandma #2 can just get some remover and take it off. But if the boy doesn’t want to take it off, then just ignore it. It’s probably a short term thing.
If I were the parents, I’d tell grandma #1 to stop with the nail polish.
Why is the grandma painting his nails? Is this her idea? Is the five year old just looking for grandma's attention?
I think the other grandma just does the boy's nails when she does his sister's nails. He asked her to do it and now it has become a regular thing apparently.
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