Frequency and duration of visits by In-laws to married adult children with no kids yet (grandkids, parents)

[Mattie]

I think you are being very gracious OP. Every 8 weeks is about 6 visits a year, which sounds reasonable. Every six weeks is pushing it. I think you and your husband need to broaden your own social lives. If the invitation is from Friday-Sunday, then have something to go to on Thursday. Likewise, if you would like the to leave Sunday morning, make plans for Sunday afternoon.

ETA: Their home situation needs to be dealt with. Can your husband confront the freeloaders along with his parents?

[House4kids]

It shouldn't come at your expense. Your husband should discuss with his father how mom is feeling about son and DIL. Sounds like a terribly sticky situation - I wish you all the best and luck.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Tumf

I think that explains a LOT - and as others have said, you and your husband, are now the fall guys.
They get some sort of 'vacation' from being away from their own home (that she, yourself said, feels like a stranger in.).

I think all four of you need to have a sit down.... come to Jesus meeting... so to speak.
Be understanding, and maybe think first of a solution to their problem and a way to get their son out of their house - before you make it known that you'd kinda like them out of yours......

Seems to me as if your BIL and his wife haven't become motivated enough on their own. Mom and dad may need to push that little bird out of the next, and make him provide for himself.... tough love is hard love - but it's needed to keep everyone's mental state of mind in tact.

Good luck and God bless... keep us posted please!

I agree with Tumf, that the problem is probably more with your in-laws trying escape from their home instead of wanting to visit you in your home. In fact, I would be worried that their visits may even increase if they do not do anything to get their son, DIL & grandchildren out of their house and self-sufficient. And, since they are away from their house more often the son who is living with them may start to even start to think of the parents house as their house more and more. Which would, of course, make it worse and worse for you and your husband AND for your in-laws.

Please discuss this with your husband first and then perhaps he and his parents can discuss ways to get his brother and his family on their own.

Good luck, I have a feeling that you will really need it.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by Alottolose

It is my husbands parents home. They have a nice 4 bedroom 2400 square foot home in a quiet suburb. They are also both highly educated with his Mom having a Master's and his Dad having a PhD and being at the top of their fields. I know that they have actually lived below their means while there children were growing up and now have a sizeable nest egg. Especially since the Dad is still working. My husband is more like his parents but his brother has what I think is some kind of undiagnosed behavioral issue. His wife his just kind of a witch. They moved in with his parents after she had twins and they couldn't afford their one bedroom apartment anymore because she obviously had to stop working. They did not expect to have twins but they also wouldn't have been able to afford one child either especially since they choose to stay in a high cost of living area when they would both fare better in a cheaper area. While his brother and wife were already living there, she got pregnant again, supposedly by accident, and just had another baby two weeks ago. He isn't trained for anything at 35 and works 15 hours a week. She is trained to be a legal assistant but isn't working and really can't for at least a while. The brother and wife have no savings, no plan but don't have to pay for anything, including their children's expenses. The situation is horrible and I have talked to my mother-in-law about it. She is a wonderfully sweet woman but is very meek and not assertive at all so she lets all this happen. One time she talked to me for a whole hour about how she feels like a stranger in her home and her other son and his wife treats her horribly. I think her husband needs to stand up for her but he deals with the situation by working a lot and staying away from the home. The whole family needs counseling.

Thank you for your advice. I know I have no real control over what my in-laws allow in their home but I also want to help be a mental health break for them when they visit. But I don't think it should come at the expense of my own mental health.

There are several fallacies. I personally know several mothers of twins who went back to work only six weeks after their twins were born. The mom did not "obviously have to stop working". Heck, I know a mother of triplets who went back to work two months after they were born. Mom works full time days and Dad cares for the children fulltime during the day during the week and works two full days each weekend.

Dad works 15 hours a week. That is a freaking joke! I know a lot of HS students who handle working at least 15 hours a week, plus being full time students plus doing extra curricular activities.

If the brother wants his wife to be a SAHM, he needs to really, really step up. Many of the young fathers that I know/knew who wanted their wives to stay home to raise the children either had full time jobs with a lot of extra hours & extra responsibilities (with a bigger paycheck) or worked a full time job plus a part time job. One friend had two full time jobs for a while so that his wife could be a SAHM.

A 35 year old man relying on his Mom & Dad to pay all the bills for his family is just ridiculous. What will happen when Dad wants to retire? Will brother expect you and your husband to pay his bills?

[Alottolose]

I agree that she did not have to stop working, especially since she was the bigger breadwinner and worked an office job. It is very much a joke that he works 15 hours a week. He used to have two part-time jobs which netted him more hours but was fired from the other one for harassment of a female employee. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding related to the behavioral disorder I think he has and I don't think he intended harm, he is just an extremely awkward person in social settings in general as I have seen and experienced first hand. He also blames the economy for the reason why he can't get any work other than his warehouse job. But I know he doesn't really try very hard. It's a very bad situation and I can cite even worse things about them but it's not really my problem when it comes down to it. As another poster said it may become my problem when my husband's parents are both retired and decide to fulfill their dream of moving from the Northeast to the Southwest. But with their house taken over, and less desirable from a sellers stand point by day, it's becoming less of a reality. My husband as already said he will not take care of his brother the same way his parents do especially after seeing what they did to their house.

But anyways, I will be talking to my husband about a compromise and I will encourage him to speak with his parents about his brother. They are very nice to me and I will probably wind up not doing much about it save for discouraging a week long visit and continue to allow the supersize weekends and making plans with friends and other local family during them (as I often do). It just breaks my heart to see my in-laws whom I think are wonderful people and I care for a lot, being hurt so bad by their situation. Thank you all for your input.

[joe from dayton]

Your husband needs to speak with his brother and find out when he and his family are getting out of mom and dad's house.

[Alottolose]

Holiday update: My parents will be visiting my fathers side of the family out of town for Thanksgiving so we won't see them at all for that holiday. It has been agreed upon that we will spend Christmas with my parents. Christmas eve at their house and Christmas day at my house. My parents live 15 minutes away from us so no sleepovers are ever involved with them. I am also conscious of a "fairness level" between his parents and my parents and try not to do anything the 4 of us more than once a month on purpose (I see my parents a few times a week on my own).

My In-laws will be driving 3 and half hours on the Wednesday morning before Thanksgiving and allegedly leaving on Sunday. I predict they will try and arrive Tuesday night and leave Monday morning, which I have accepted and am mentally preparing myself for even though I still think it is ridiculous to want to squeeze in so much extra unnecessary time. Again, Quality over quantity.

We also recently bought another bed to put in an empty room of our house to accommodate by husband's brother (and other future company) and we invited him and his family for Thanksgiving as well. They can't come because "they wouldn't want to subject us to babies crying." Pretty sure we know babies cry and you have two toddlers and an infant so that's a crappy excuse. Saying you have to work would have been much more plausible. I should mention they also missed our wedding last month and not even as much as a verbal congratulations has been said.

I started to feel guilty about not inviting my In-laws for Christmas and thought I could handle them staying with us for Christmas eve, Christmas day and stay until the afternoon after. I suggested the idea to my husband and he said in a nice way that he probably wouldn't invite them just because they wouldn't want to come for such a short time and it would feel like we are kicking them out. Since Christmas is on a Thursday this year, I told him why can't we just say we have plans for the weekend? I thought it was a nice offer and would please everyone at least somewhat. He then counter-offered with inviting them Sunday through Friday. I guess I don't have work, cooking, baking or Christmas planning that week to worry about without adding stressful company to the mix. I'm not sure what we will do yet on that front.

I'm trying to come up with solutions that please everyone but I feel like I am running into a brick wall.

[MaseMan]

Originally Posted by Alottolose

I'm trying to come up with solutions that please everyone but I feel like I am running into a brick wall.

The first step is to stop trying to please everyone. Be reasonable, but don't let other people walk all over you. It's your house and you and your husband should be on the same page regarding these family issues.

[BrightRabbit]

Find your voice. What you're asking for is very reasonable. How would your in-laws know what are your concerns or limits? You never tell them, and your husband misses every opportunity to express them for you.

It sounds like your Mom-in-law is a kind, if meek, person, and Dad just goes along more easily until challenged. They also sound educated, not argumentative, well-meaning, but needful. Work with their best traits here to meet both your needs.

You keep accommodating or escaping them to cope, but she has no way of knowing she's doing anything wrong here. Your forbearance is a disservice to yourself, her, and your marriage. Most people are not mind-readers; you have to tell them stuff.

She might have had different understandings with her own inlaws, in another day and age, and so she'll assume it's all family love. But 24/7 company gets old.

You are entitled to have a different limit than your Mom-in-Law may have had (or has).

It doesn't sound like she'd want to hurt your new marriage or your need for autonomy and time to nourish that with her son. Just explain it to her with "I" messages.. I love you; I love having you for 3 day visits; I need to work and prepare, and am just learning my skills here; I get worn out when the visits become 5 days... can you help me with this, Mom-in-Law?" How could she possibly say no to that.

Better if your husband can say all that FOR you without you there. But.. if he can't or won't.. I hope you'll try to muster the courage to do it for yourself. Or have him sit with you as you say it, and nod his head, at least. Tell him in advance you absolutely must have his support at this meeting, and not to equivocate.

Keep your irritations about your brother-in-law out of this negotiation. Keep the focus on what happens in your house, and around your timetable. One step at a time. Change what you can, not what you can't. Perhaps, over time, they'll have to address what happens under their own roof much better. In the meantime, concentrate on your marriage and the balancing with your own family-of-origin.

A married family is a whole system, involving many players. When you change just one of your own behaviors (your willngness to speak up about hosting x number of days), it will cause change among all the other players, from your husband to in-laws, to bro-in-law ultimately. They might express surprise, objection or even resentment, at first, but just let them. They'll all adjust to a new balance, because they must. That's why marriage is a stronger format than just living together, which is something you've also changed recently.

Good Luck!!

[Alottolose]

Thank you Bright Rabbit. I have received some good advice in this forum but what you wrote helped a lot.

Thanksgiving went reasonably well. I have never gotten along with my father-in-law better and it was a great visit with him. Mom-in-law was a different story as she felt even more needy and helpless than ever. I tried to be as respectful as possible as I know that her home situation with the 5 kids living in their house (and yes I have taken to referring to my 35 year old brother-in-law and his wife and their 3 kids as "the 5 kids", but not in front of my in-laws of course), has become very lonely and isolating for her, even more so lately. Ironic considering 7 people live in her home. But like everyone else here has stated, I need to be firm while still respecting her wishes.

Due to a change in plans with my family, I decided to invite my in-laws for Christmas after all so we could at least enjoy the holiday with some family. My husband called them and a firm arrival and departure date with a cumulative total of 3 and a half days was set. They also had a respectful discussion regarding the length of visits (I overheard it) and I feel my voice has been heard. So it all ended well for me, thank you all for your advice!