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It's been a year since we took custody of our grandkids, there ages are 6 and 10. I can not say it's been easy, it's been a challenge. I'm 66 and haven't had kids in the house for 30 years, so it's a culture shock to say the least. We really don't see an end in sight and have resolved that the kids will be with us until they go out on their own. Their parents got wrapped up in drugs, they haven't called the kids or even tried to visit them since we have taken custody. We are thinking about adopting the kids to be able to provide them with a stable home life, and me being a disabled vet, they will have healthcare provided for them through ChampVA, if anything happens to me in the next 12 years they will have their college education paid for,
I'm just wondering how many other grandparents are doing the same.
God bless you! We are exhausted after two days with our grands. Love them dearly but I’m not sure how you do it. I guess we do what we have to do. The teen years will hopefully not be fought for you.
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
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We've had legal custody of our grandson for almost 3 years now because of drugs. He is my husband's sons son and he's 11 now. His son doesn't want him and his mother is on drugs BUT she just called him last,week and announced she's pregnant....nice. Her mom, who raised him for a while as a toddler just passed away from a Heroin Fentanyl overdose in May. His mother will call and start the whole dramatic she wants him back routine every so often. Glad we're 525 miles away from her...legal custody is fine, he's on the insurance of Tenbessee, TNcare and he's doing great in school.
We've had legal custody of our grandson for almost 3 years now because of drugs. He is my husband's sons son and he's 11 now. His son doesn't want him and his mother is on drugs BUT she just called him last,week and announced she's pregnant....nice. Her mom, who raised him for a while as a toddler just passed away from a Heroin Fentanyl overdose in May. His mother will call and start the whole dramatic she wants him back routine every so often. Glad we're 525 miles away from her...legal custody is fine, he's on the insurance of Tenbessee, TNcare and he's doing great in school.
God bless you guys for stepping up for your grandson!
We're 19 months into it with our 3 grandsons and it's looking more and more like we'll be doing this a long time to come. It gets hard sometimes, especially for the DW who does 90% of the work involved. I'm still a few more years from retirement but until then I do what I can.
As I understand it, there are millions of us "grand family's" out there raising grandkids in this country and mostly because of drugs. Very sad!
Its been 4 years now with my grandson. He got his drivers permits so I will be completely gray within the next 6 months. I really hate "teaching" him to drive.
He is doing awesome in school and sports and has good friends. He even got baptized Sunday. So its all worth it. I cant imagine where he would be in his life right now if he was with his mother.
DH and I are in our late 60s. We thought long and hard before getting a dog, for fear it would disrupt our lives too much. It turns out he brings us joy and the satisfaction of caring for something.
I commend any grandparents who take on young children, but I would do the same thing. In my head I would hate the disruption for just a little while, but after that, in my heart, I would be grateful to be able to see that they are loved, and safe and well taken care of.
Try to look at it like a gift, OP. It will keep you young and sharp and get you out of the rocker.
I know, for me, my heartbreak would be that I had failed my own child, or else he would be raising his own children. If you feel this way, maybe raising the grands is like a "do over".
I SO disagree with the statement in bold. I've seen wonderful parents have kids grow up into total losers as adults. Don't blame the parents! Also, if their adult kids who have kids of their own get into drugs, they can be very good people, but the drugs are their number 1, not their children.
I am a FIRM believer of nature over nurture. A baby is born with their personality and although you can work with them to be good people, it doesn't always end up that way.
I see many grandparents raising their grandkids, because their adult children want to get a master's degree or work and save money on childcare expenses. But it's not fair to the grandparents who have to make sacrifices. I can't imagine why so many grandparents agree to do this. I used to work with a woman who's mother took care of her child, and she'd call her mom every day and yell at her. Entitled princess getting free childcare from her mom.
Raised my granddaughter from the age of 2 to the age of 23. Her mom (my daughter) got into drugs and alcohol at an early age and could never quit entirely, even after multiple trips to rehab. She passed away at the age of 37 from a heroin overdose. Her dad had mental health issues all his life, and was completely incapable of taking care of himself, let alone a child. So, it was either foster care, or I take over. I was 42 at the time and am 63 now. It's been quite an adventure, even more so, as her mom drinking while pregnant also caused brain issues in my granddaughter. It's been both wonderful at times, and a total nightmare at times. School was a constant struggle.
At this point, she still lives with me, and I'm trying to figure out how to set her up for when I'm gone. There don't seem to be a lot of good options, and if anyone knows of any, I would love to hear! Or maybe I need to start a new thread. She gets SSI and medicare, but it's not a lot of money, and she has never held down a job...I can't see her doing more than a few hours a week. My plan is buy a house to leave to her, get everything set up on auto-pay (utilities, etc), set up an ABLE savings account and trust fund for her to draw on, take advantage of property tax breaks for disabled, etc. etc. But I still wonder if a house is too much for her to handle....but she hates apartment living....very sensitive to noise.....so what to do???
I don't have much to add, but I do have a general question:
IF grandkids were to go into a good foster home, would that usually be better for them than living with an old person or two old people? ("Old" meaning over 60.)
I have had to struggle with that in my mind because our daughter is not the most stable person in the world and has made some very poor decisions in her life. When her kids were VERY young (like an infant and two years old), we worried constantly about getting a call that she was in some kind of legal trouble and we would have to make the decision whether to take the kids in or not. However, now it is five years later, and we have not received any calls like that, thank goodness. (Btw, she was adopted when she was six and we were in our early 40's, and she has not other relatives who would be able to take the kids in. Also, she lives about 200 miles away, and we only see them about three times a year.)
What would make us hesitate would be the fact that we did NOT do a great job with our daughter and her brother (who died when he was 19) when we adopted them because, in hindsight, we probably were just too old for young kids even 20 years ago. We did not want to keep up with modern times (i.e., social media and the new electronics), and we were very old-fashioned in other ways, and we liked being old-fashioned. (For example, we would rather read to the kids or play a board game with them instead of playing video games with them or taking them to the arcade.) Needless to say, this caused a LOT of "conflict" over the years.
Now, if we are talking about "young" grandparents (in mind and/or age), that might not be an issue, but if we were ever asked to take in our grandkids on a permanent basis, we would have to say No -- for their sake, I think, as well as for our own.
P.S. I am absolutely AMAZED at all you wonderful people who have taken on the care of your grandkids!! I am not religious, but if I were, I would say that your place in heaven is assured. I am absolutely in awe of ALL of you!
Last edited by katharsis; 01-24-2019 at 01:19 PM..
I don't have much to add, but I do have a general question:
IF grandkids were to go into a good foster home, would that usually be better for them than living with an old person or two old people? ("Old" meaning over 60.)
I have had to struggle with that in my mind because our daughter is not the most stable person in the world and has made some very poor decisions in her life. When her kids were VERY young (like an infant and two years old), we worried constantly about getting a call that she was in some kind of legal trouble and we would have to make the decision whether to take the kids in or not. However, now it is five years later, and we have not received any calls like that, thank goodness. (Btw, she was adopted when she was six and we were in our early 40's, and she has not other relatives who would be able to take the kids in. Also, she lives about 200 miles away, and we only see them about three times a year.)
What would make us hesitate would be the fact that we did NOT do a great job with our daughter and her brother (who died when he was 19) when we adopted them because, in hindsight, we probably were just too old for young kids even 20 years ago. We did not want to keep up with modern times (i.e., social media and the new electronics), and we were very old-fashioned in other ways, and we liked being old-fashioned. (For example, we would rather read to the kids or play a board game with them instead of playing video games with them or taking them to the arcade.) Needless to say, this caused a LOT of "conflict" over the years.
Now, if we are talking about "young" grandparents (in mind and/or age), that might not be an issue, but if we were ever asked to take in our grandkids on a permanent basis, we would have to say No -- for their sake, I think, as well as for our own.
P.S. I am absolutely AMAZED at all you wonderful people who have taken on the care of your grandkids!! I am not religious, but if I were, I would say that your place in heaven is assured. I am absolutely in awe of ALL of you!
I don't think you need to blame yourselves for "not keeping up" with modern times being some kind of failure. I was raised in part by a grandparental generation, and they were wonderful, and had the strongest influence on me. If they were "out of touch" or old-fashioned, I didn't notice. Rather, I found what might be considered the more archaic aspects of their lives fascinating, and they enriched me as a person.
It boils down a lot to the child's temperament. And your kids were adopted; you didn't have them (or at least--not the daughter. You didn't say how old the boy was, when adopted) in their infancy and the beginning of toddlerhood. Those years can be utterly crucial! For example, if your daughter had been neglected in her first two years, trauma associated with that could have set the stage for the behaviors you observed in her later life with you. Her behavior could well have had little to do with you, and your approach to parenting and entertaining. Kids respond to love, and to the gift of quality time, which it sounds like you did provide. I'm really wondering about those first two years of her life, that you missed.
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