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My daughter in law and my son's father had a huge fight a few months ago.Prior to it, she and our (mostly her, we think) son told the family that on weekends, the grandson and his parents would not see the rest of the family. It would be time just for the three of them.
Long story short, grandpa has had barely any time with grandson. And she picks and chooses when and where if it happens at all.
Our son supposedly tried to make peace but we barely have seen evidence of it. This has been ongoing for almost six months.
I believe a grandchild should know his grandparent on his own. I am hopeful that she will not poison him toward his grandpa. He isn't perfect - who is?
Our son seems like a wuss when it comes to his wife and it's difficult not to want to take sides.
What do you mean ... your "son's father"? Is that your ex husband or partner? Apologies but I'm very confused by who is referenced here... "the grandson and his parents" - do you mean your son/his wife?
At any rate - its their family, and regardless of what you believe, if they want to spend time as a family unit, its hard to blame them.
At any rate - its their family, and regardless of what you believe, if they want to spend time as a family unit, its hard to blame them.
This more than anything. EVERY nuclear family needs to circle up on their own as a priority, not ALL the time, of course, but not doing it at all leads to bad things down the line.
Timeline seems to be son and his wife decided to spend more time as a nuclear family. No idea why this had to be explained to their family unless perhaps their family had been or was felt to be intrusive or ??
Then there was an argument (huge fight per poster). No idea what it was about but reading between the lines, the grandparent(s) have issues with their son and/or daughter in law.
What can be done by grandparents? Nothing but apologize and hope that the relationship can be salvaged. The son and daughter in law are the grandchild's parents and have full and total control over the raising of their child and who the child is allowed around. Can be sad but that is it. All you can do is apologize, grovel if necessary, or accept the way it is now.
Not enough info, and this "I believe a grandchild should know his grandparent on his own" needs clarification. Are you suggesting that grandson should be with grandparents without his parents along? How old is grandson? How much time do you expect them to spend on weekends, every weekend, once a month, what?
When kids start taking on extra curricular activities it can be difficult to get much family time in, especially if one or both parents work late during the week. Sometimes weekends are the only time available to get that quality time in with kids. Are these parents pushing back at what they possibly see as an intrusion into their own family time?
DIL and son advised family they wanted weekends to be mostly family time with them and their son (the grandson) and they decide when to socialize with the rest of the family. Their prerogative.
THEN a big fight occurred (about what? does it matter? parents still get to decide how much grandpa time their son gets and how he gets it - in their presence or alone with grandpa).
Sounds like OP is either divorced from the 'son's father' or they were never married. Does the OP get time with the grandchild? If so, then there is really nothing to deal with, IMO. This is between grandpa, his son and the son's wife.
Sounds to me like the daughter in law has good reason to limit her son's time with the grandfather. It sounds like the OP is not minding her own business. Or being overly dramatic. I would never quesiton my daughter about the time my grandsons spends with my ex and neither of us would ever allow him to spend time alone with the reprobate. But maybe the OP's baby daddy is not like my ex. No one will know unless she comes back and answers the questions people have put to her.
My daughter in law and my son's father had a huge fight a few months ago.Prior to it, she and our (mostly her, we think) son told the family that on weekends, the grandson and his parents would not see the rest of the family. It would be time just for the three of them.
Long story short, grandpa has had barely any time with grandson. And she picks and chooses when and where if it happens at all.
Our son supposedly tried to make peace but we barely have seen evidence of it. This has been ongoing for almost six months.
I believe a grandchild should know his grandparent on his own. I am hopeful that she will not poison him toward his grandpa. He isn't perfect - who is?
Our son seems like a wuss when it comes to his wife and it's difficult not to want to take sides.
Suggestions on how to deal?
Daughter-in-laws set boundaries and you have to live with it. Your son's job now is to assist his wife in anyway possible. If he is smart, like my husband, he'll side with his wife.
BTW: "she will not poison him toward his grandpa. He isn't perfect - who is?" WTF! I guessing there is some awful story behind that sentence.
Last edited by YorktownGal; 08-07-2023 at 07:33 PM..
There's not enough information in the OP to comment. It sounds like this grandma is going through what so many are encountering in their DILs once they have children: inflexible rules and rigid schedules handed down from on high with more than a slight air of disapproval and with little regard for grandparent's feelings. Especially in-law grandparents.
These young women have been told their parents and grandparents and every generation before them raised children "wrong" and it's up to the current generation of mothers to do it "right." And this is what right looks like. They are going to show the elders how it's done correctly. We have this in our family, so I know.
Except of course all parents make poor judgement calls, lose their temper at their kids, play favorites of one over another, feel overwhelmed at times, and more.
An area I observe in this generation, especially of mothers, is thinking they own their kids and a striking unawareness that the kids will not always be kids. This can lead to fraught relationships between parents and adult children. Seen that in my own family too. My MIL refused to see my husband and his brother as anything but her "little boys" having to do what she told them to do. Caused all kinds of problems.
Most parents feel possessive about their children, it's a good thing, it motivates caring for them. But like most things it's a fine line. It's difficult for some parents, especially mothers, to let go of the power they had over their children's lives.
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With my wife and I and our 3 kids, our daughter's 2, my sister's 3, and pretty much every other family we know, the grandkids spend far more time with their maternal grandparents. I think I also find it normal that the father goes along with the mother's wishes, when it comes to the kids. t's just natural that the mother tends to trust and depend more on her own mother, and the father's parents take a back seat. When you think about it, the mother has known her own mother all of her life, while she may have only known her -moth-in-law a few years. Often they only see the in-laws at the wedding and maybe a few holidays or birthdays. Still, it would be unfortunate if there are formal rules on when they can visit. With our daughter we can call or text any time and ask to have the boys stay overnight with us and she will bring them over. We call our son and ask when would be a good day/time to visit our granddaughter, and wouldn't think of asking to have her overnight unless they bring it up.
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