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Hi Guys,Thank you for your advice so far...just getting it off my chest has made me feel alot better. Also you guys are right...why let her dominate ours lives with this?
Also...the reason I think that it is like this in this family is.My DH father who has since passed away,was very abusive to JUST my DH.He was physically abusive until he was a teenager,then he was verbally and mentally abusive.DH couldn't do anything right.Visits were awful,they consisted of him berating my husband over everthing. Dh father would talk about how HIS father did it to him (DH grandfather) so it was passed down. MIL & SIL sat by and watched,now they think that they can do the same thing. They really hate it when me or my husband stand up for him.MY DH is wonderful with our children and it has taken him alot to overcome all this
Last edited by mariner2030; 07-18-2008 at 12:24 PM..
Reason: spelling
Hi Guys,Thank you for your advice so far...just getting it off my chest has made me feel alot better. Also you guys are right...why let her dominate ours lives with this?
Also...the reason I think that it is like this in this family is.My DH father who has since passed away,was very abusive to JUST my DH.He was physically abusive until he was a teenager,then he was verbally and mentally abusive.DH couldn't do anything right.Visits were awful,they consisted of him berating my husband over everthing. Dh father would talk about how HIS father did it to him (DH grandfather) so it was passed down. MIL & SIL sat by and watched,now they think that they can do the same thing. They really hate it when me or my husband stand up for him.MY DH is wonderful with our children and it has taken him alot to overcome all this
Wow. After reading that, I'd think you should think long and hard about much of ANY contact with them. I wouldn't want my kids picking up on this disfunction.
Why do you even want to be around them? It sounds like you and your husband are happy with YOUR family. I don't get it. I can't stand to be around negative people....I will to a point, but I think you deserve better than the treatment you are getting.
Just wondering...Do other grandparents favor a child whose parents are no longer together?
My question is...is this normal? It hurts me so bad to see her spend all this time with these other kids and I know that my daughter loves V so much. My husband will not stand up to her. I dont think he knows how. I just dont know what to do. Any advise would be appreciated.
No it is not normal it is hurtful and stay away from them make a point.
My MIL and in law family period are all like this and it is because we are not their religion and it is to make us feel guilty and see how nice it would be if you were like us kind of thing you would be included.
We are left out of things and now I am the one who refuses to do things with them because they are so phony and talk about us behind our backs. My sis in law has stopped talking to my hubby because she no longer needs him to do her job and it hurts his feelings.
They will go out of their way for others in their religion not family than to do anything for us. Or my kids.
It is shameful to me that they are suppose to be Christians and act this way!
My family would have loved to have my kids around to do things with.
Hi Guys,Thank you for your advice so far...just getting it off my chest has made me feel alot better. Also you guys are right...why let her dominate ours lives with this?
Also...the reason I think that it is like this in this family is.My DH father who has since passed away,was very abusive to JUST my DH.He was physically abusive until he was a teenager,then he was verbally and mentally abusive.DH couldn't do anything right.Visits were awful,they consisted of him berating my husband over everthing. Dh father would talk about how HIS father did it to him (DH grandfather) so it was passed down. MIL & SIL sat by and watched,now they think that they can do the same thing. They really hate it when me or my husband stand up for him.MY DH is wonderful with our children and it has taken him alot to overcome all this
OH MY! I am so sorry that your DH has had to deal w/ this, but god bless him - he sounds like a good man who has worked hard to get past all the abuse and overcome it. Ya'll just need to quit subjecting yourselves to this kind of heinous behavior. Plus, your children don't need to be exposed to it.
Allowing your MIL to have any influence in your lives is allowing the abuse to continue. You are so right - why let her dominate things?
Again, my regards to your DH b/c he is lucky to have a wonderful wife who loves him . . . and he has to be a special guy to have come out of that kind of horrible situation and be a good hubby and dad. You all don't deserve to be around negative people who seek to tear you down. You both deserve better (and sounds like you and your DH have a very nice family of your own - so what else matters, really . . . )
Sadly, sometimes families are NOT the warm, caring, supportive people we wish they would be. When they aren't . . . best to just move on and limit interaction. As my grandma used to say - "Let them stew in their own juice," you don't need it!!!!
This is my first post. My parents favor all the other grandkids but mine. I am 2 of 3 with the middle grandchildren. My oldest brother, being the only boy got a lump sum when he was 24... a huge lump sum -- part of the culture I grew up in -- boys get a "start in life". My youngest sister had the first grandchildren, twins. So they got favored by my mom... she wanted grandchildren so badly that my sister having the children made her so happy -- my dad and her gave my sister a down deposit for a house and decided to take care of the kids so that they did not have to have a babysitter. Okay, they now live with those grandkids spoil them rotten. My kids were born second (the third and fourth grandkids) basically ignored and not much attention given to them. My brother who lives in another country has grandkids, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten and eleven. Grandchild twelve will arrive soon they are having a child every 11 months. So my parents travel to see all those grandchildren and spend months there. They don't make time for my two sons -- I live a 80 minute drive from my parents and they see my kids once a year. They don't want me in my sisters house -- they know I am upset that they gave her to down deposit for a half million dollar house... but they want me to send my kids over there for a month. They do not like that I live a moderate life -- both my siblings because of the cash gifts they have gotten are well to do. I homeschool -- which my parents appose and I think they want to change my sons minds about that. My sons going to a home that I am not welcome in does not make sense. When I say can you see my sons, they always say that have to baby-sit the 14 year old twins.
My sons at this point do not have a relationship with my parents. My parents not only favour my brother and sister, but also their kids. I suppose I did not make top grades at school, so they favor me less and this has trickled down to my sons. It is sad. It bothers me a whole lot.
This is my first post. My parents favor all the other grandkids but mine. I am 2 of 3 with the middle grandchildren. My oldest brother, being the only boy got a lump sum when he was 24... a huge lump sum -- part of the culture I grew up in -- boys get a "start in life". My youngest sister had the first grandchildren, twins. So they got favored by my mom... she wanted grandchildren so badly that my sister having the children made her so happy -- my dad and her gave my sister a down deposit for a house and decided to take care of the kids so that they did not have to have a babysitter. Okay, they now live with those grandkids spoil them rotten. My kids were born second (the third and fourth grandkids) basically ignored and not much attention given to them. My brother who lives in another country has grandkids, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten and eleven. Grandchild twelve will arrive soon they are having a child every 11 months. So my parents travel to see all those grandchildren and spend months there. They don't make time for my two sons -- I live a 80 minute drive from my parents and they see my kids once a year. They don't want me in my sisters house -- they know I am upset that they gave her to down deposit for a half million dollar house... but they want me to send my kids over there for a month. They do not like that I live a moderate life -- both my siblings because of the cash gifts they have gotten are well to do. I homeschool -- which my parents appose and I think they want to change my sons minds about that. My sons going to a home that I am not welcome in does not make sense. When I say can you see my sons, they always say that have to baby-sit the 14 year old twins.
My sons at this point do not have a relationship with my parents. My parents not only favour my brother and sister, but also their kids. I suppose I did not make top grades at school, so they favor me less and this has trickled down to my sons. It is sad. It bothers me a whole lot.
This is so sad... I see my own relationship with my grandparents in this story... it hurts... I didn't realize how much it hurt my father until just recently when he told a story about going to a ball game for my bro and my grandparents were there (went weekly) and my dad was shocked to see them... My grandfather made a comment that we had my mother's parents so what is the big deal... My father was crushed... He never shared these stories with US though... he believed it would only add fuel to the fire we already had burning among my siblings and I....he didn't want that... I am grateful he didn't. I had such issues with them for so long... but it was MY issue to deal with... and my siste and brother had their own issues.... and of couse my parents did... but we never burdoned each other with those personal battles... it only complicated things and worsened the relationship if we even gathered as much. If this makes any sense... I guess I am saying if you KNOW your kids don't rate with your folks... don't tell them that... play it down... now reason to hurt them more than they need to be... and at some point in their life they will gather that all on their own...just as I did... and now have chosen not to be a part of her life... but if THEY can salvage something- let them in the month they stay at your parents...
It is just so hard to balance everything in life. We want everything somehow to be fair and it just can't be. We can't balance what time we spend with everyone in the extended families. As grand parents now I know how hard this is. We have five kids and the two girls, both with children, live fairly close. Somehow I do spend time with the kids who are the closest. And really sometimes you just "click" with different grandchildren. I think most of us just try to do our best.
A few weeks ago I bought something for one of the kids. Bailey is only about 2 1/2 but when I gave her something my daughter said to the baby, "well looks like you are left out again" I was a bit shocked. As if the five month old is saying, "Gosh Grandma got something for her but not me". You just can't spend that much time worrying if everything is fair and equal. Sometimes when I am out I see something that just looks like one of the grandchildren, but I don't buy something for everyone at that time. I just try to do my best and love everyone but I'm sure sometimes someone feels left out. You just have to believe the other person's motives are good and if not you have to realize that you can't change that.
My grandparents didn't spend the time I think they should have with our five children. We even built a house next to theirs so they would have that time. Then they started spending eight months a year at a summer home and three months in Floirda so that was a bust! But somehow my kids didn't seem to see anything wrong with that so maybe it is the adults who keep score not the kids.
It is just so hard to balance everything in life. We want everything somehow to be fair and it just can't be. We can't balance what time we spend with everyone in the extended families. As grand parents now I know how hard this is. We have five kids and the two girls, both with children, live fairly close. Somehow I do spend time with the kids who are the closest. And really sometimes you just "click" with different grandchildren. I think most of us just try to do our best.
A few weeks ago I bought something for one of the kids. Bailey is only about 2 1/2 but when I gave her something my daughter said to the baby, "well looks like you are left out again" I was a bit shocked. As if the five month old is saying, "Gosh Grandma got something for her but not me". You just can't spend that much time worrying if everything is fair and equal. Sometimes when I am out I see something that just looks like one of the grandchildren, but I don't buy something for everyone at that time. I just try to do my best and love everyone but I'm sure sometimes someone feels left out. You just have to believe the other person's motives are good and if not you have to realize that you can't change that.
My grandparents didn't spend the time I think they should have with our five children. We even built a house next to theirs so they would have that time. Then they started spending eight months a year at a summer home and three months in Floirda so that was a bust! But somehow my kids didn't seem to see anything wrong with that so maybe it is the adults who keep score not the kids.
Speaking as the grandkid Forgotten... it is hurtful... I just beg all of the grandparents on here to reassess their behaviors... just think about how much your grandkids love you and want nothing but to be loved just as much as thier cousin or sibling...they don't understand that you CLICK with one more than them... they just understand that you aren't caring enough about them and their feelings... I no longer talk to my grandmother unless there is a family function and she is there. Do you really want THAT when your grandkids are 30 with children of their own... YOUR great grandchildren... I highly sugget treating each child equally... you may not realize the pain you might cause... It is heartbreaking to be THAT child... My mother's parents were so kind and cared for each of us equally... they made the time to make the fuss... with 10 grandkids they managed it... if they purchased for one and not the other they saved it for a special event/reward... but there was never a time when one of us cousins were there and one recieved a gift in front of the others... that is hurtful to children... and to the parents... favoritism is painful to all involved... if you want a good relationship with your grandkids, please, think twice before showing any sign of favoritism.
I agree. Favoritism only becomes an issue and hurts the child more if the child's parent insists on making it an issue. Just give the kid some extra hugs and attention and s/he won't notice or care whether grandma spends more time here or there. Also, give your child the bigger piece of cake.
Every situation is different and kids see this stuff even when you try to shield them from it....
I'm in a family that it's very obvious that my MIL favors three of the grandchildren over the other 8.
We all know why but that doesn't help when our children are asking us to explain it.
They never asked for a lot of her time, just to be acknowledge once and awhile.
We did our best to always show "Grandma" in a positive light anyway but don't ever think that the kids don't notice.
On one the Christmas wish lists a couple years ago one of the things listed was "don't make me go to Grandma's on Christmas eve." Sad? Yes! Understandable? You Bet.
Now the most of them are all grown, none of them call her, none stop by and see her. The parents reaction to all of this? She made her choice and decisions long ago and now she is dealing with the results. She tries to cry on our shoulders but it doesn't do any good.
I've learned how NOT to be a grandparent from my own mom and my mil.
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I don't agree - kids see it
