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I don't know about Dr. Phil or Oprah or what they would say (nor do I care).
What I don't understand is the idea of living as a victim for one's entire life. Whether that be from abuse or some other sort of trauma....To have physical manifestations of anxiety for over 40 years....that's not a normal life and it's not reasonable, imo. One should not be defined by a trauma, it should not define their relationships. I understand the effects will linger, one can not simply forget and move on as if nothing at all happened...but one can move on. Perhaps therapy, coping techniques or even medication are needed but simply changing the baby's name is not the answer just as giving an alcoholic a drink to cover their pain is not the answer. The baby's name is not the issue for OP....not at all. That she still has not dealt with her painful past to the point of becoming physically ill at the sound of the name...that is the issue.
I don't think OP is ever coming back but I truly hope she is able to enjoy her new grandchild and get the help she needs.
I don't know about Dr. Phil or Oprah or what they would say (nor do I care).
What I don't understand is the idea of living as a victim for one's entire life. Whether that be from abuse or some other sort of trauma....To have physical manifestations of anxiety for over 40 years....that's not a normal life and it's not reasonable, imo.One should not be defined by a trauma, it should not define their relationships. I understand the effects will linger, one can not simply forget and move on as if nothing at all happened...but one can move on. Perhaps therapy, coping techniques or even medication are needed but simply changing the baby's name is not the answer just as giving an alcoholic a drink to cover their pain is not the answer. The baby's name is not the issue for OP....not at all. That she still has not dealt with her painful past to the point of becoming physically ill at the sound of the name...that is the issue.
I don't think OP is ever coming back but I truly hope she is able to enjoy her new grandchild and get the help she needs.
Of course it's not normal. Suffering sexual abuse as a child is NOT NORMAL. You therefore become not normal as a result. It is totally reasonable to expect a person to have issues because of it. Otherwise it wouldn't be a heinous crime to do it to a child in the first place. It shouldn't define a person, nor their relationships, but in the real world, it does, just like all our experiences define who we become or don't, whether we like it or not.
Apart from that, I absolutely agree it's how we deal with it that matters, and with the rest of your post, as I have on two other occasions.
I would agree with you if we were discussing someone who had been abused as an ADULT. She was a CHILD. Children who are abused are not able emotionally to handle the abuse. They are often not emotionally mature as adults as a result. They often (not always) become damaged and NOT NORMAL as adults. They may NEVER be able to process what happened to them. Therefore it is not always THEIR CHOICE. The person who abused them MADE THE CHOICE FOR THEM.
I am new here, just looking for a place to get some opinions. This is a sensitive subject but I hope everyone will understand without me having to give too much detail.
My second grandchild is due in May and my son and DIL don't want to find out the sex until birth. They have been discussing baby names and yesterday my DIL sent me their final choice for a boy name.
The middle name they chose carries a lot of meaning for me - in a very bad way. This is the name of a person who molested me as a child for several years. Without telling the whole story, I can only say that he stole my innocence and did some truly heinous things to me. All my life - almost 40 years since this happened - the very name makes me sick to my stomach. I have had a hard time ever warming up to ANY person who has that name, so repulsive it is to me. When my first grandson was born (to another son) I did mention to them that there is only one name that I utterly detest, and I told them a very non specific reason why (that someone with that name had done something horrible to me.) But it was not an issue. Somehow, though, I thought the word had gotten around to all my sons how I felt about it.
Anyway my son and DIL have just now chosen this middle name after months of trying out different names with the first name they chose. Up until last week they still hadn't chosen a middle name. All this is to say that it isn't a name they have had their hearts set on all along. It isn't a name in her family. It is just a name that sounds well with the first name and that's it.
My husband spoke to my DIL and told her the story and why the name would upset me. She is normally a loving member of our family - we have no issues between us at all. But she told him that they intend to keep the name. My husband commented, "well then I guess we'll be praying for a girl!"
My DIL emailed me and told me that she and my son are "sorry about what happened to you, but we already decided on this name and we are keeping it. We think you will learn to love it." She went on to say that she was hurt by my husband's remark about praying for a girl! She also commented that they particularly like the initials. But my son's middle name has the same initial and would go just as well with the first name!
I am just sick about it. First I am sick about the name itself and all the memories it conjures up for me. I can't stand the thought of a precious child that I love carrying the name of a perverted child molester! Secondly I am sick about the fact that my son and DIL have just dismissed my feelings this way. I never suggested what they should name their child and I never interfere in their lives in any way. I don't think I am out of line to ask that they reconsider. Am I wrong? Any advice?
While I feel for you and what you went thru I have to side with the new parents. What happened to you was a very long time ago. It's time that you put it to rest. What benefit do you get from holding on to this event? Does it evoke a response from others that you feel you need. I understand the pain,trust me. Been there myself. I learned though that the best way to heal is to let it go. Not easy but not impossible either. If you need therapy-get it. Besides, i'm sure that the name in question is not exclusive to one person
"the baby was a GIRL! We were all thrilled because we really did want a girl (all boys in the family so far.) Although my DIL, son and I never discussed the issue again, I did hear her tell the labor nurse the name they had picked out if it was a boy and it was NOT the hurtful name! They never directly told me that they had changed it, but it meant a lot to me that they apparently decided it wasn't worth the hurt feelings.
Lisa also wrote that after many insensitive comments about her post, she decided not to go back to the forum.
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I know what happened .....
