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I remember back in the 1950s that when there was a funeral it was a very somber occasion. When my grandfather died about 1953 the whole aura of people was serious and somber. Now I find that funerals arn't that way. At my cousins funeral(he was about 67) everyone seemed to take it in a different way. Not so somber and serious. I noticed that at other funerals lately also. I know from reading history that at times of war people develop different views of death. Especially when there is a lot of people dying. Of course people are more prepared for it in times like that also. It seems we are less sensitive to death now than we used to be.
I'd argue that our sensitivity to death has changed, but in the opposite way. We're very much sheltered from it in our day to day lives, and so have trouble dealing with it when the time comes to do so.
I don't think the cavalier attitude you observed has anything to do with people's sensitivity towards death, rather it's in keeping with less formal functions as a general rule.
I remember back in the 1950s that when there was a funeral it was a very somber occasion. When my grandfather died about 1953 the whole aura of people was serious and somber. Now I find that funerals arn't that way. At my cousins funeral(he was about 67) everyone seemed to take it in a different way. Not so somber and serious. I noticed that at other funerals lately also. I know from reading history that at times of war people develop different views of death. Especially when there is a lot of people dying. Of course people are more prepared for it in times like that also. It seems we are less sensitive to death now than we used to be.
I think back in the 1950's, funerals were meant to be places were everyone could be downright sad and have support of the family (not that modern funerals can't). However, I think the later generations use funerals to kind of celebrate a person's life instead of remain terribly sad over their death.
My opinion is backed up by my aunt's funeral a few years ago. The whole family got together and built tons of posters with happy pictures of her with family and friends and everyone ended the night laughing about the good times.
I remember back in the 1950s that when there was a funeral it was a very somber occasion. When my grandfather died about 1953 the whole aura of people was serious and somber. Now I find that funerals arn't that way. At my cousins funeral(he was about 67) everyone seemed to take it in a different way. Not so somber and serious. I noticed that at other funerals lately also. I know from reading history that at times of war people develop different views of death. Especially when there is a lot of people dying. Of course people are more prepared for it in times like that also. It seems we are less sensitive to death now than we used to be.
In my opinion it is not so much that it is insensitivity, it may be more of people dealing with reality in a more positive way. In other words some people get together in celebrating a life that has ended, remember the good times, experiences, legacy, etc.
There are some cultures that handle it this way also. Others are more somber as you call it. When my mom died my brothers and many of her friends went to a restaurant to celebrate her life. We talked about all kinds of personal experiences we all had with her, we laughed and cried. It was a great experience. Take care.
When my mom died, we had a funeral. Then the whole family and friends went to my aunt's house and had a party. We talked about her not as someone who just died, but about the joy of her life, and told stories and smiled. Losing my mom was a very crushing thing, but it was a good way to say goodbye not thinking of the last year or so when she was sick and sad, but the joy she spread. In the end that is the payback of our lives, what we *give* and the appreciation of it is a recognition of that.
People still grieve and cry, but I think more do it private and with family. Grief is one thing you can only deal with yourself.
Being solemn is about loss, and loss will be something which must be dealt with, but that joy of life and what was given is just as respectful and acknowleges that the person is no longer alive, but will be remembered.
I agree with the response posts to this thread since at my cousins funeral people layed out pictures and it was somewhat happy in some ways but sad in others. But at the same time I believe that peoples enter periods of times where life becomes cheap, so to peak. And a life itsn't worth what it is in other periods of history.
In some cultures (like my own - Irish) it is common to have a "wake" that celebrates the person's life and that they have left this 'vale of tears' to go to a better place. Our families always have a wake; my DH and I have planned ours as carefully as our funerals (maybe even more carefully!). We prefer to not have folks weeping and wailing and displaying all sorts of misery over us.
One of our dearest younger friends was violently and suddenly killed in a horrific car wreck. Most of us as EMTs and firefighters responded to the call. At the funeral, there was much weeping. People asked me why I wasn't crying. "Are you kidding me? Can you imagine what James would say, seeing all these people crying? He's probably sitting up in that corner over there, laughing his a__ off at all of us!" We all got to talking about his gentleness, his generosity, his insane sense of humor, and his complete common sense, and everyone quit crying and started laughing about our dear James. What better way to remember someone you love?
American (modern more exactly) dying, funerals and death rituals are so pathetic, commercialized, "soulless", removed, detached, formal, isolated, meaningless, uninspiring, .... the list is endless, I would seriously prefer to dissolve myself in ocean waters than to go through "retirement communities", "assisted living", mortuary, funeral home, professional embalming, 1 hour "visitations", formal preacher "officiations", rehearsed funeral routine, cemetery lot purchase, life insurance premiums, and the rest of the soulless and disconnected crap that just underlies the miseries of the atomized&commercialized world a dead person just left behind.
Here how old people used to live, die and be buried in more traditional societies - you live in a community until your last breath surrounded by people and not by per-paid professionals, neighbors&family washed you body, neighbors and family dressed you up in clean clothes (that you saved just for this occasion), neighbors, village, family made a casket for you. A casket with your body is placed in the best room of YOUR house. On the funeral day, everybody who cares can show up at your house unannounced, have the last look at your body to say goodbye and to follow your casket to a FREE cemetery lot in a solemn, heart wrenching, reflexive, etc. etc. procession one couldn't watch without tears. After your casket is covered with dirt, everybody is automatically "invited" to a post-funeral feast that neighbors and family cooked without help of catering services and life insurance plans. There were no life insurances, mortuaries and bank involved in your death and funerals. In a way old way funerals made the lives of the living more meaningful and kinder. Modern death is so pathetic and purposeless, I'm afraid I have no words to describe it.
American (modern more exactly) dying, funerals and death rituals are so pathetic, commercialized, "soulless", removed, detached, formal, isolated, meaningless, uninspiring, .... the list is endless, I would seriously prefer to dissolve myself in ocean waters than to go through "retirement communities", "assisted living", mortuary, funeral home, professional embalming, 1 hour "visitations", formal preacher "officiations", rehearsed funeral routine, cemetery lot purchase, life insurance premiums, and the rest of the soulless and disconnected crap that just underlies the miseries of the atomized&commercialized world a dead person just left behind.
Here how old people used to live, die and be buried in more traditional societies - you live in a community until your last breath surrounded by people and not by per-paid professionals, neighbors&family washed you body, neighbors and family dressed you up in clean clothes (that you saved just for this occasion), neighbors, village, family made a casket for you. A casket with your body is placed in the best room of YOUR house. On the funeral day, everybody who cares can show up at your house unannounced, have the last look at your body to say goodbye and to follow your casket to a FREE cemetery lot in a solemn, heart wrenching, reflexive, etc. etc. procession one couldn't watch without tears. After your casket is covered with dirt, everybody is automatically "invited" to a post-funeral feast that neighbors and family cooked without help of catering services and life insurance plans. There were no life insurances, mortuaries and bank involved in your death and funerals. In a way old way funerals made the lives of the living more meaningful and kinder. Modern death is so pathetic and purposeless, I'm afraid I have no words to describe it.
I was sounding board for a friend of mine while her mom died of cancer. She was primary care giver. I didn't know anything about hospice, but it was a great gift to them. They used drugs sufficent for the pain. She lived with one of her daughters, and had grandkids around. She didn't die in a hospital hooked up with tubes alone. And as it was known she would die, she planned her own death, the family near, telling stories, and she took her last breath listening to her favorite song.
That would be how I'd like to go if it wasn't sudden and a surprise.
She was cremated and the funeral was a few months later, but she was an actress and it was where both family and old friends could attend, by the seashore where where she loved, and her ashes were scattered in a place she loved. The rest happened of course, given that the family was strained badly before she started dying and my friend and her sister do speak but don't visit. But mom was given a good bye by those who cared about her. They had that finality of her death to acknowledge.
It wasn't a circus. It's not the same, but there was dignity and respect and real feeling IF you try.
One of my close friends died the night before Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, and a bunch of her online friend, mostly who'd met personally, got together and had an online chat for a wake of sorts. We told stories, and remembered and did virtual cheers. We couldn't have gotten together, spread out all over the place, but we still connected.
American culture is FULL of death images, and gory movies and grim tales, but in reality we are still afraid of it. We need to rediscover some way of connecting at the end, saying good bye and accepting that we all will die that got lost in the connection between the village and now.
When my grandmother died in 1996, the aura was very sad, and at the same time, it was sort of like, "lets take this bad situation, and try to make a tribute to her". My aunts cried. I saw it up front. My mother didn't cry. I didn't cry. My mother isn't the type to cry in public. I was 9 so I didn't really understand the concept of death well. If I had understood, I probably would have cried. It wasn't until I started reading medical dictionaries that I really started to understand the concept of death.
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