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Ten that I remember. A few more instances when I just went to the visitation/wake (a student's parent, a friend's parent, things like that). Probably others that I don't remember.
I read the poster that did not "do" funerals because he felt that that they were "dumb" and did not attend the funerals of his mother, father and any of his grandparents and aunts & uncles and friends. But, does plan to attend his wife's funeral. So, his wife's funeral will not be "dumb" but every other funeral was/will be dumb? I wonder if his attitude will change after his wife dies and he holds a funeral for her? I wonder if his friends and relatives will decide that funerals are "dumb" and that they don't "do" funerals either when it is his turn to receive comfort and support? I wonder.
I attend a widow/widowers grief support group, as my husband of 40 years passed away five months ago. This topic came up in our discussion this past week. Several people expressed regret and shame at the callous way they acted towards others who had lost a spouse because they "just did not understand the depths of grief and despair of being a widow/widower" until they lost their own spouse.
I have heard other people say similar things. "I don't attend funerals". "I don't see the point of funerals". etc. etc. And I wonder if their attitude would be different after their loved dies and they receive the closure and support that a funeral or a memorial service can give to a survivor? Maybe, maybe not, as everyone is different, everyone's family is different. Just something that I was thinking about this week.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-27-2018 at 04:44 PM..
I read the poster that did not "do" funerals because he felt that that they were "dumb" and did not attend the funerals of his parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles and friends. But, does plan to attend his wife's funeral. So, his wife's funeral will not be "dumb" but every other funeral was/will be dumb? I wonder if his attitude will change after his wife dies and he holds a funeral for her? I wonder if his friends and relatives will decide that funerals are "dumb" and that they don't "do" funerals either when it is his turn to receive comfort and support? I wonder.
I attend a widow/widowers grief support group, as my husband of 40 years passed away five months ago. This topic came up in our discussion this past week. Several people expressed regret and shame at the callous way they acted towards others who had lost a spouse because they "just did not understand the depths of grief and despair of being a widow/widower" until they lost their own spouse.
I have heard other people say similar things. "I don't attend funerals". "I don't see the point of funerals". etc. etc. And I wonder if their attitude would be different after their loved dies and they receive the closure and support that a funeral or a memorial service can give to a survivor? Maybe, maybe not, as everyone is different.
Excellent post, germaine. I was one of those people who did not understand the reason for wakes and funerals until my mother died in '92. Then I understood and was always there for people who lost someone. Especially co-workers who had never lost anyone before.
For me, I think funerals are part of the circle of life. There is nothing negative about them. I will give an A+ to my Catholic School upbringing. When someone would die--a student's parent/nun/priest--our class would go to a funeral Mass--it was closure.
Never would I use the word thrive on the family gathering potential. I would say that when our family has a Wake--it is a celebration of the person's life. We laugh, we sing, we cry--we are there to support the family. I think it serves as a buffer between the end of life and the beginning of a new life for the survivors.
I think the "wake" thing makes much more sense. I would be more likely to go to a wake where it is a celebration of a person's life, as opposed to a scene such as a funeral where it's all about crying and the END of the person's life.
I heard a quote once that a death should be seen as like the end of a concert, where it's over but you walk out thinking how great it was.
Unfortunately most funerals do not take this approach, the idea seems to me that a funeral is for being sad, and supporting others in their sadness nothing more (again I have not attended any but have seen them on tv and in movies and heard people talk about them.)
I think one reason I don't like funerals and won't attend them is because I would grieve and cry in front of people, then have to try to "hold it together" and ... all that seems like too much of a drama scene to me and better to grieve at home alone. IMHO, for ME.
I read the poster that did not "do" funerals because he felt that that they were "dumb" and did not attend the funerals of his mother, father and any of his grandparents and aunts & uncles and friends. But, does plan to attend his wife's funeral. So, his wife's funeral will not be "dumb" but every other funeral was/will be dumb? I wonder if his attitude will change after his wife dies and he holds a funeral for her? I wonder if his friends and relatives will decide that funerals are "dumb" and that they don't "do" funerals either when it is his turn to receive comfort and support? I wonder.
I understand that you are puzzled about this and I expected some people to be either surprised or angry about my post, because customs surrounding death are supposed to be held to in our society.
One reason I make an exception for my wife is because I assume I will live near her if she dies before me, and I will not have to fly cross-country to attend her funeral, and also I assume I'd have to be the one to arrange it so it would be weird for me not to then go.
Another factor in all this is that while I loved my parents we were somewhat estranged. Both had mental illness which made my life difficult, and also we lived many miles apart since I was 20. Add in the cost of time and money to fly back to a funeral, and my job not being one I could easily just up and leave at a moment's notice... those are some of the reasons I didn't go. IF I'd lived near them I'd probably have gone even though I wouldn't have wanted to. What I said still holds, that I don't see the point of funerals and I'd rather grieve alone as I have done with family members and friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I attend a widow/widowers grief support group, as my husband of 40 years passed away five months ago. This topic came up in our discussion this past week. Several people expressed regret and shame at the callous way they acted towards others who had lost a spouse because they "just did not understand the depths of grief and despair of being a widow/widower" until they lost their own spouse.
I have heard other people say similar things. "I don't attend funerals". "I don't see the point of funerals". etc. etc. And I wonder if their attitude would be different after their loved dies and they receive the closure and support that a funeral or a memorial service can give to a survivor? Maybe, maybe not, as everyone is different, everyone's family is different. Just something that I was thinking about this week.
I seriously doubt that I would feel bad or feel anything about anyone not coming to my wife's funeral if I were to outlive her. I feel I'd get the support I might need by phone or email, as I get it now. (I live in a another country, not near the USA.) Like when other loved ones have died and I grieved, I prefer to grieve alone and don't really see any advantage to having others grieve with me, at least not in person. I might have some conversations about it with a close friend or two...
As for me, I have donated my body to science, to a medical school. They will cut me up and use me to learn how to be doctors.
a) It is almost free; no funeral, no embalming, no casket, just pay for a coroner to assure I'm dead and there was no foul play; and
b) it will give my death some purpose; and
c) no one needs to come to any kind of "service", there will be none.
d) no surviving friend or relative will get stuck with paying for nor arranging any funeral or services. I find it odd that some people would WANT to go to my service or funeral and wish I didn't arrange this! I mostly did it to make things easy for my wife should she outlive me which is likely.
I have informed my loved ones if they want to have a wake or drink a toast to me, that would be nice but it's entirely up to them. I am sure I will not know nor care at that point. LOL.
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So, his wife's funeral will not be "dumb" but every other funeral was/will be dumb? 
I wonder if his attitude will change after his wife dies and he holds a funeral for her? I wonder if his friends and relatives will decide that funerals are "dumb" and that they don't "do" funerals either when it is his turn to receive comfort and support? I wonder.
