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Intensity of grief is a function of how much a part of your everyday life your parents were when they passed, how distracted you may or may not be with your own personal problems at the time, and a few other things.
My relationship with my parents was warm but I only saw them maybe a couple of times a month. My mother died in a car accident but she was 82, so my main feeling was sadness that she had to go in such a violent way (she had chest trauma, which weakened an undiagnosed aneurysm which then ruptured the next day).
When my Dad passed a few years later (back in '05, of natural causes), I had the thought that, gee, I'm officially an orphan now. It felt wistful. But it was part of the expected story arc of life, so not some great tragedy really. My Dad was in a lot of pain with arthritis, and he was beyond the reach of it now.
I miss them both at times. Oddly, I miss Dad more often. I felt closer to my mother as a child emotionally, but my Dad was a more substantive person, and as an adult I came to deeply appreciate his quiet contribution to my personality and character and his leadership by example. He was superficially gruff, but actually, was always very kind to me. I learned craftsmanship from him, and diligence. He has grown on me over the years, even in death. I wish I could tell him how much I've drawn on him for inspiration in my own life.
I grew up with pretty great parents. My dad was very protective but not super involved in my hobbies / activities (like todays dads are). I was so close to my mum in my 20's and then she died when I was 30 and pregnant with my 2nd. It was harder to forge a close relationship with my dad as we weren't really accustomed to doing stuff together one on one. He remarried about 4 years after mum died and I didn't get along with his new wife (she is not a nice person). Eventually, the relationship was causing me so much pain that I stopped calling etc and we didn't see or speak to one another for about 4 years. Then in 2019, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 5 weeks later. His wife wouldn't let me come and see him in his last days. Sometimes I forget that he's really gone because I didn't go to the funeral, haven't seen his grave and wasn't with him in those last 5 weeks and I really regret that.
Lots of complex feelings around it all honestly. But a lot of sadness that my kids didn't get to grow up with any grandparents at all (ex's parents also died young) so they have no clue what that relationship should be like.
Dad was out of the house for at least nine or ten hours a day and unaware of what went on most of the time. I blame him for one unfortunate event. He spanked me when she ordered him to do so. He did that because I wouldn't kiss her good night. I wouldn't kiss her because she had slapped me multiple times on the head. She ordered me to walk up and down the stairs until I was willing to kiss her good night. I was going to walk until I dropped.
I saw the look on his face before the first smack. He didn't want to do it.
Oh my goodness, I can so relate to this. And I am so sorry you had to experience it.
My dad was also gone most of the day and he also always had jobs where he traveled a lot. I remember one time when I was about seven, pulling him aside and saying "Look, Mom is beating my younger brother and he's only 4. Someone has to stop her!" and he said - I remember this like it was yesterday, "What am I supposed to do about it?" And he shrugged his shoulders. Good grief.
He had just gotten home from another one of his many business trips.
Nothing really changed for me when my dad died in 2004 at age 57 of pancreatic cancer. I miss him and was sad when he died but I seemed to get over it fairly quickly. We were not super close as I got older because he was always out doing his own thing, he was not home a lot except at night to sleep and eat an occasional dinner with us. He belonged to a golf & country club and spent a lot of time hanging out there and he worked. Sometimes I wish he was here to help my mom and maybe she would not have started drinking if he was alive who knows. thankfully mom is 3 years sober.
I guess when my Mom died it was a big relief. She had been thoroughly demented for about a year and intermittently/transitionally demented for about three years. I know I owed her for raising me but there is a big difference when the outcome is a thriving adult and when the outcome is a corpse.
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