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Boy can I say I made those off the cuff remarks in my life time (healthy shame face) . Hence wisdom and walking the path of loss has taught : words matter . Let them heal, not harm.
Boy can I say I made those off the cuff remarks in my life time (healthy shame face) . Hence wisdom and walking the path of loss has taught : words matter . Let them heal, not harm.
Interesting article!
Maybe people said some things on that list to me, but if so, not many and I didn't pay any attention to any of them EXCEPT this one, which I thought was ridiculous:
Quote:
“Losing your husband is nothing compared to the death of a parent. You can always replace your husband.”
This was actually said to me, almost word for word, maybe even actually word for word, by my husband's ex wife, talking about how hard it was for her son (also my husband's son) to accept his dad's death. Now remember, she was my husband's EX wife, who had numerous husbands and numerous divorces, including divorcing my husband, under her belt. In fact, she's single again now - but I gotta warn anyone, she's past her sell-by date for sure by now.
I shouldn't have ever expected her to be thoughtful though. I didn't. Actually she said THE WORST THING that anyone has ever said to me, at my husband's visitation, standing right in front of his coffin. I walked up to her to thank her for being there for my stepson, her son, my husband's son, and I said, "You know, I hadn't thought much about it but I want to acknowledge that I'm sure you've had a lot of conflicting emotions through all this and thank you for doing all you've done," and she said to me, which blew me away, "Well. I always thought that (my husband's name) was a selfish son of a *****." What? Where did that come from? And he was not perfect, but he certainly wasn't that. And why on earth would she feel like she should or could say that to me, his grieving widow? IT BLEW MY MIND. I mean, I don't even know what I said, I was so shocked, and I was already in a state of disbelief that he was dead and in that coffin anyway. Lord have mercy. note - DO NOT SAY THAT TO ANYONE EVER.
And had she forgotten that I had also lost both parents recently? And a brother?
Oh - and had she forgotten that I am not in any sort of GRIEF CONTEST with anyone? "My grief is bigger than your grief!" Shut up.
Good article though - thanks for posting it. I don't think I've said many of these things to people but I know I have said "God won't give us more than we can handle," to my friend who lost her husband around the same time I lost mine. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Yikes!
On that list, #37 is how one of the widowers was told to 'act' or incorporate in her life. She recided in her sorrow... For others shamed her for dare exhibiting her true anguish, when she was to be 'thankful'.
Reminds me of my s.i.l , weeping horrendously at the loss of her 17 year old daughter. The person approached and said , your the mother of three. You still have two children to be thankful for.
That's the crassness of someone , telling another to count their blessings. Each child has value , each loss deserves regard. She won't get her One child back. That widow won't get her beloved spouse back.
In due time, the memories will be the gift to value , when the loss is accepted and embraced . It doesn't happen from a calendar date or clock. It does though heal when the person is given pearls of strength or moments of acceptance for their pauses in growth.
One moment on a positive note helped when I was in a very darkened grief period. A wise lady didn't tell me to stop my sniveling or count my blessings. She sat. Held my hand. We simply sat in that grief. One human , sitting . Holding the hand of another. Poignant. I weep now ....just recalling how , that gesture. Non judgmental. No words. Two adults , sitting. In sorrow.
Peacefilled support. One stranger lighting the way.
#24 resonated with me. I flew in to be at my mother's death bed but missed it by hours. My uncle's ex was kind enough to give me a ride from the airport, but during the drive she started talking about how her father quickly remarried after her mother died and how she had to accept it. I realized she had her sights already on my father. I was horrified and sick all at the same time but didn't know how to respond.
You know what DID make a huge difference to me? In a positive way? The people who showed up, who came over, who took me out to eat, or invited me to events or whatever. Thankfully I haven't lost any friends. Have a few of them said things on that list? Maybe. Only one thing really sticks out to me, said by a friend who had taken the time and effort to come over to my house, bringing gifts, months after my husband died - she said something along the lines of "You'll find someone else." It didn't sit exactly right with me, but only because the TIMING wasn't right - her intentions were good, she was trying to give me some hope. Plus she is a few years older than me but she met her husband when she was 59 and they got married when she was 60 and they seem very happy together. So even though yes, I still remember it, and yes, it didn't sit well with me at the time, or maybe ever, I don't know, I didn't hold it against her. Sometimes people just stumble in what they say.
However, what I cannot STAND is someone doing this - which I actually witnessed at a funeral one time:
A mother had lost one of her four children in a house fire. My gosh, the casket even had to be a closed casket. The woman was grief stricken, naturally, and was standing by the casket hugging people as they came by, and the woman in front of me actually said this to her: "I know you're sad, but it could be worse. I knew a woman who lost FOUR children in a house fire." URGE TO KILL.
So yeah, don't say that to grieving people! Don't say anything along the lines of "Well, it could be worse." Of course it could be worse. I mean, I guess their loved one could have been drawn and quartered on the town square. But that doesn't make it not terrible as it is.
Maybe people said some things on that list to me, but if so, not many and I didn't pay any attention to any of them EXCEPT this one, which I thought was ridiculous:
Quote:
“Losing your husband is nothing compared to the death of a parent. You can always replace your husband.”
This was actually said to me, almost word for word, maybe even actually word for word, by my husband's ex wife, talking about how hard it was for her son (also my husband's son) to accept his dad's death. Now remember, she was my husband's EX wife, who had numerous husbands and numerous divorces, including divorcing my husband, under her belt.
I remember you saying something about that. Gosh how callous. I don't feel that this woman is capable of a deep connection with anyone, just uses and discards so the husband is like a filler of a place there. I can see how she can see that as replaceable.
I've not yet lost either of my parents, so I can't compare. All I could say at the time was that I did love my husband far more than either of my parents when he passed away unexpectedly. I expected them to die first and that he would support me. And I must confess that when my mom who stayed with me for a little while after he had passed away (there's some back story to this --due to my husband there had been some friction generated between me and my mom, especially, and we had been very close prior to my meeting him), when she and I had gotten into a small fight she said that she wished it would have been her instead; and at the time I did wish she would have been the one to have passed away at that time instead of my husband.
I actually am at the point where I would like to date again and am currently talking to someone (but it's long distance); if anything does happen down the road (won't be anytime soon since he's several states away!), there won't be any "replacement" going on. It would be nice to have a romantic companion again, one whom I'm comfortable with and we can enjoy each other's company; there's just no way to replace someone with whom you've had a insanely deep connection with and whom you've given all your fiber of being to in love. I'm happy to have experienced that, though it was tragic it was cut short all too soon; it's just painfully obvious that your husband's ex-wife has no idea what that is like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Only one thing really sticks out to me, said by a friend who had taken the time and effort to come over to my house, bringing gifts, months after my husband died - she said something along the lines of "You'll find someone else." It didn't sit exactly right with me, but only because the TIMING wasn't right - her intentions were good, she was trying to give me some hope. Plus she is a few years older than me but she met her husband when she was 59 and they got married when she was 60 and they seem very happy together. So even though yes, I still remember it, and yes, it didn't sit well with me at the time, or maybe ever, I don't know, I didn't hold it against her. Sometimes people just stumble in what they say.
Yeah, I didn't like that either; and you know who pointed that out the most, is my mom (I know she meant well). But just because I'm young (40), some people may assume well, she can find someone else. The thing is, I don't WANT anyone else. I want my husband. He's the ONLY one who I have that relationship with and THAT relationship can NEVER be replaced. Each person is so unique and each person's relationship is unique. Yes, I may find someone (I'm hoping things will go well with the guy I'm talking to now!), but it's not like my sadness for my unexpectedly short relationship with my husband will just go away. That sadness will always be there.
I think the people who say that mean well, but I don't know; I'm probably being mean now but I do wonder if they ever had experienced that maddeningly heads-over-heals I've-found-my-soul-mate relationship (if they were married). I can actually tell you my mom hadn't. She said she never was wildly in love with my dad, when I talked about how madly in love I was with my beloved husband. So, at least I have anecdotal evidence that my suspicions are true; at least it was with my mom.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 05-30-2021 at 05:24 PM..
I remember you saying something about that. Gosh how callous. I don't feel that this woman is capable of a deep connection with anyone, just uses and discards so the husband is like a filler of a place there. I can see how she can see that as replaceable.
I've not yet lost either of my parents, so I can't compare. All I could say at the time was that I did love my husband far more than either of my parents when he passed away unexpectedly. I expected them to die first and that he would support me. And I must confess that when my mom who stayed with me for a little while after he had passed away (there's some back story to this --due to my husband there had been some friction generated between me and my mom, especially, and we had been very close prior to my meeting him), when she and I had gotten into a small fight she said that she wished it would have been her instead; and at the time I did wish she would have been the one to have passed away at that time instead of my husband.
I actually am at the point where I would like to date again and am currently talking to someone (but it's long distance); if anything does happen down the road (won't be anytime soon since he's several states away!), there won't be any "replacement" going on. It would be nice to have a romantic companion again, one whom I'm comfortable with and we can enjoy each other's company; there's just no way to replace someone with whom you've had a insanely deep connection with and whom you've given all your fiber of being to in love. I'm happy to have experienced that, though it was tragic it was cut short all too soon; it's just painfully obvious that your husband's ex-wife has no idea what that is like.
I hope you keep us posted on the developments! And no, of course its not a replacement for ANYTHING. Unless one is a psychopath but I digress.
I honestly think she's very bitter toward me because she bet on the wrong horse so to speak and lost. Oh well (shrug) - I met my husband five years after they got a divorce, so no guilt. But I agree - she seems to me like the sort who just uses people and discards them when she thinks she can't get anything more out of them. However, I do know that her last husband divorced HER. Bet that was a surprise to her. I think she's been alone since.
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