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My dearest sister and friend passed away after two years spent in a nursing home following an accident. It was not totally unexpected but I was hoping, still, that she'd have more time and get a bit better.
I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and like to experience sad feelings alone or with as little fanfare as possible. My husband does not understand this. He finds my withdrawal difficult. He is constantly stroking me, looking at me and asking me if I'm alright. Yes, I should be grateful for his solicitation but it is driving me crazy.
How to cope with this massive blow while assuring my husband it isn't about him?
Can you just tell him gently that while you appreciate his concern, you tend to grieve privately and don't really want to be stroked or asked if you're alright or whatever?
I am sorry for your loss and understand what you are going through.
Losing someone has so many effects on our lives. We have our grief from the loss, the effect of that person not being there in our day-to-day lives, the loss of having that someone to talk to. It can be overwhelming.
Then on top of all that, when we just need time to process, we have to put aside our needs and deal w/ everyone else's needs. There is the group that is also grieving and need comfort and then there is the group that is effected by our grief and we have to deal w/ their overwhelming want to do something that will comfort and make things better. Telling them to leave me alone would not be helping them. They needed to be directed in how to best "help" me.
My answer was to give them something to do. Let people make meals that you will never eat. Projects work well because it gives them something to do for a long time so I am not constantly coming up with small things.
Does your husband like to work on cars, the garden, the house? I would say something like I am going through so much that I just don't feel up to ".... fill in the blank ...". It requires you giving up control of something that you normally do which for me is hard. But the people that I loved felt so much better by being allowed to contribute.
Can you just tell him gently that while you appreciate his concern, you tend to grieve privately and don't really want to be stroked or asked if you're alright or whatever?
Hi, Kathryn and thank you for the advice. We did have a Family Meeting (with just us two) and hopefully he is assuaged. For now.
You lost your husband several months ago and I wish you the best during this difficult time. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and am still processing.
Hi, Kathryn and thank you for the advice. We did have a Family Meeting (with just us two) and hopefully he is assuaged. For now.
You lost your husband several months ago and I wish you the best during this difficult time. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and am still processing.
Thank you.
I am truly sorry for your loss. A big loss is just so difficult to process, regardless of the circumstances.
I am regaining my equilibrium but God knows I should be - it's been right at a year now. A bit over eleven months. Moving out of the house we shared made a huge difference. So did taking a solo vacation - planning the whole thing. I came back from that vacation feeling very strong in myself, if that makes sense. That was just last month. It was after the move. I went on a vacation to see family for Christmas, just four months after he died, and I didn't have the same experience at all. And when I came back home and walked back into that house we used to live in together, it was so depressing! And I'm not used to feeling DEPRESSED when I come home, so that was a big eye opener to me.
I am sorry for your loss and understand what you are going through.
Losing someone has so many effects on our lives. We have our grief from the loss, the effect of that person not being there in our day-to-day lives, the loss of having that someone to talk to. It can be overwhelming.
Then on top of all that, when we just need time to process, we have to put aside our needs and deal w/ everyone else's needs. There is the group that is also grieving and need comfort and then there is the group that is effected by our grief and we have to deal w/ their overwhelming want to do something that will comfort and make things better. Telling them to leave me alone would not be helping them. They needed to be directed in how to best "help" me.
My answer was to give them something to do. Let people make meals that you will never eat. Projects work well because it gives them something to do for a long time so I am not constantly coming up with small things.
Does your husband like to work on cars, the garden, the house? I would say something like I am going through so much that I just don't feel up to ".... fill in the blank ...". It requires you giving up control of something that you normally do which for me is hard. But the people that I loved felt so much better by being allowed to contribute.
I am truly sorry for your loss. A big loss is just so difficult to process, regardless of the circumstances.
I am regaining my equilibrium but God knows I should be - it's been right at a year now. A bit over eleven months. Moving out of the house we shared made a huge difference. So did taking a solo vacation - planning the whole thing. I came back from that vacation feeling very strong in myself, if that makes sense. That was just last month. It was after the move. I went on a vacation to see family for Christmas, just four months after he died, and I didn't have the same experience at all. And when I came back home and walked back into that house we used to live in together, it was so depressing! And I'm not used to feeling DEPRESSED when I come home, so that was a big eye opener to me.
It sounds like you're doing all the things that are right for you and your healing process. And it is a process. I'll have to get on board with getting used to life without her. We were very close and I will miss her for the rest of my life.
It sounds like you're doing all the things that are right for you and your healing process. And it is a process. I'll have to get on board with getting used to life without her. We were very close and I will miss her for the rest of my life.
It's OK to miss someone for the rest of our lives. It's OK to mark events in the lives we shared with them. I read something that resonated so much with me recently - it said "We still have a relationship with the person who died - it may not be the relationship we want but it's still a relationship." I find comfort in that.
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