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She is gone now, but my dad got the brunt of it. things are a lot easier for me now, subjective of course. it's been 2 weeks. but...how do I help Dad? He tells me to worry about myself and he'll get through it, but is that the right thing to do? I just want to help....
I’m so sorry for your loss.
At the beginning of a loss of a spouse, it’s hard. Your dad might not know what he needs for help. Just be there and listen. He’ll find his way.
Your being there will make a difference for your dad. When you speak with him, don't keep asking "how are you doing? how are you feeling?" You know he's feeling terrible. No need for him to verbalize it.
Ask him what he did during the day. Did he speak with [names of friends] or with [religious leader if applicable]. Tell him some of what you did during the day.
Take your lead from him, but don't get dragged into long wails and bemoans about the unfairness of life.
Two things I did for my elderly Dad after Mom died
1. Let him into my life in more detail. He needed things to be interested in, so my brothers and I had long conversations with him, told him a lot more about what was going on in our lives. He was really interested, he’d talk about things my brothers had told him when talking to me, and vice versa. And anything he wanted to talk about, we were happy to discuss. Boundaries to keep some privacy for my brothers and me were much less important during his end of life years than when we were young adults, getting established in life.
2. Visit during lonely times. He and mom always had cocktail hour when they woke up from their naps. That hour before supper was his loneliest time. We set up an echo connection so he had (virtual) company while he had his cocktail, without the pressure of holding a phone and needing to come up with conversation. Just a person present with him. Maybe morning coffee or the clearing up after dinner time might be the new lonely for your dad. Try to figure out when that time is, and establish yourself there as much as practical given your own schedule.
Your concern and desire to be around for him give him something to hold onto right there. He’s lucky to have you, and from your concern, you’re probably lucky to have him.
Hospice sounds like a good option. When my wife was dying, they had her on morphine. Did it muck up her clarity of thought? Yes. Did it relieve her agonizing physical pain? Yes.
Standard of care should include pain relief. I'd find a new doc or a new hospital if possible. This sounds like negligence. It's bad enough to be dying. But dying in agony? No, that is just wrong.
Unfortunately, it's happening more and more frequently. The DEA has vowed to crack down on all opiate prescribing and this includes cancer patients too sadly.
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Solly says — Be nice!
