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I'm not sure who or where to ask so this forum seems like a good start.
My nephew passed away from a drug overdose approx 6 months ago. He was 25. I am going thru my grieving process, but I am really concerned about my sister (who is his mother).
I realize there's no correct or incorrect way to grieve, but IMO my sister isn't taking it well and I think it's interfering with her daily life. She sees a psychologist and attends a support group for people who have lost loved ones to drug overdoses. Other than that I'm not sure what else she can do.
She has a lot of guilt, but I and other family members keep telling her she has nothing to feel guilty about. She tried (and the rest of the family) tried to help him as much as we could, but he couldn't over come the addiction.
My sister engages in some odd behaviors IMO such as visiting the grave site nearly everyday, hanging pictures of her son every where (altho none of the pictures are of him as an adult) and sleeps in his bed.
I could understand doing some of the above in the beginning, but I would think after 6 months some of these behaviors would subside.
Anyone have any suggestions ? Other than things will get better with time, I'm not sure what to tell her.
no one but no one can put a time on the grieving process, we are all different....we all deal with emotions differently, and if you've never lost a child, as I have not, I don't believe we should consider her actions, odd. She is sleeping in his bed, because it smells like him, hanging his youth pictures, b/c it's a time when all was well in the world...I know of people who hand shirts of their loved ones on the back of a kitchen chair....what I do not approve of is the support groups, they are extremely hard, and depressing, but what doesn't work for me, might well work for others?
I don't believe you ever get over loosing a child, oh, with time, it gets a tad better, but you never get over loosing your own child, and personally I cannot imagine what grief she is going thru.
so, 6 months in her world with what she is dealing with is not a long time....it may take her years or she may never stop grieving....again, please do not say, ok, it's been 8 months, now get over it....doesn't and won't work that way and it's very insensetive for people to say or expect.
There is always self blame, no matter if she was responsible or not....we always look back and wonder what we could have done differently. Don't forget, we are children when we have our kids...so we grow with them and they teach us as much as we teach them. They give us purpose, and help us grow in patience, motherhood, do-diligance, learning how to parent, how to take care of a child, they are a part of us, they are our hearts....many of us view our children as a miracle and gift from God....it must be so devestating for her at times, I just cannot imagine.
She needs your support, not her judgement, she needs you to understand, not look at her like what she is doing or going thru is weird....she needs you to cry with her, love her, and to listen to her, not look for solutions, unless she starts blaming herself....remember, all this is part of the grieving process including anger.
no one but no one can put a time on the grieving process, we are all different....we all deal with emotions differently, and if you've never lost a child, as I have not, I don't believe we should consider her actions, odd. She is sleeping in his bed, because it smells like him, hanging his youth pictures, b/c it's a time when all was well in the world...I know of people who hand shirts of their loved ones on the back of a kitchen chair....what I do not approve of is the support groups, they are extremely hard, and depressing, but what doesn't work for me, might well work for others?
I don't believe you ever get over loosing a child, oh, with time, it gets a tad better, but you never get over loosing your own child, and personally I cannot imagine what grief she is going thru.
so, 6 months in her world with what she is dealing with is not a long time....it may take her years or she may never stop grieving....again, please do not say, ok, it's been 8 months, now get over it....doesn't and won't work that way and it's very insensetive for people to say or expect.
There is always self blame, no matter if she was responsible or not....we always look back and wonder what we could have done differently. Don't forget, we are children when we have our kids...so we grow with them and they teach us as much as we teach them. They give us purpose, and help us grow in patience, motherhood, do-diligance, learning how to parent, how to take care of a child, they are a part of us, they are our hearts....many of us view our children as a miracle and gift from God....it must be so devestating for her at times, I just cannot imagine.
She needs your support, not her judgement, she needs you to understand, not look at her like what she is doing or going thru is weird....she needs you to cry with her, love her, and to listen to her, not look for solutions, unless she starts blaming herself....remember, all this is part of the grieving process including anger.
Wow, I agree with this so heartily.
Not a child but a spouse - I met another widow today whose husband died suddenly in a vehicle accident when she was in her early 40s. She has never remarried and is happy now, but this was back around 2008 so it's been a long haul for her. I mean it though, she is very very happy and contented today. But she told me something interesting. I said, "I don't know how people go back to work a few weeks later," and she said "I never went back to work." This was 14 years ago and she has never gone back to work! I mean, that's a life altering event.
Going back to work has been hard for me, a year and a half later. And it's just part time. And it's just filler so to speak - I don't HAVE to work, I just WANT to work, which is a great place to be. But it's still an adjustment, a change, a challenge. I mean, I like it but it's not like it's easy.
So imagine losing a beloved one, and then rebuilding one's life and identity, which is huge, and then incorporating that loss into your current life, which is heart rending. Honestly, you're never the same. And oddly, most people do lose loved ones over time so you'd think we'd be more prepared but there are some holes that are just too big.
Again, no right or wrong way. About 20 years ago, my wife and I were both in our mid 50s when she passed away on a Friday, and I went back to work the following Friday. I knew the day would not be productive, but it gave my work friends a chance to express their condolences, and then gave me the weekend to face the following week. It worked for me.
Her death was not sudden or a surprise, since she had been dealing with a terminal disease for 18 months, and many folks in the office knew her and knew what was going on.
OTOH, 15 years after she passed away, I was walking down the Cookie aisle at Safe Way, and saw a package of Nabisco Pinwheels on the shelf. It was her favorite cookie, and the memory brought me to tears right there in store. The sense of loss never goes away.
Not a child but a spouse - I met another widow today whose husband died suddenly in a vehicle accident when she was in her early 40s. She has never remarried and is happy now, but this was back around 2008 so it's been a long haul for her. I mean it though, she is very very happy and contented today. But she told me something interesting. I said, "I don't know how people go back to work a few weeks later," and she said "I never went back to work." This was 14 years ago and she has never gone back to work! I mean, that's a life altering event.
Going back to work has been hard for me, a year and a half later. And it's just part time. And it's just filler so to speak - I don't HAVE to work, I just WANT to work, which is a great place to be. But it's still an adjustment, a change, a challenge. I mean, I like it but it's not like it's easy.
So imagine losing a beloved one, and then rebuilding one's life and identity, which is huge, and then incorporating that loss into your current life, which is heart rending. Honestly, you're never the same. And oddly, most people do lose loved ones over time so you'd think we'd be more prepared but there are some holes that are just too big.
Oh Kathy, I'm so very sorry for your loss...and it is such a huge life changing/altering loss....I think you loose a part of your identity and purpose in life when you loose a family member. It's an emptyness and loss that others do not understand, your heart hurts for a very long time, if not forever.
I'm so thankful for you that you returned to work, you "have" to go on, your lost loved one would want you to and want you to enjoy what is left of your life. I believe as time goes by, we realize, how much of ourselves we gave away to our spouse and children. You never get that part of yourself back, but the good news is, you will evolve...change and realize so much more about life, spiritually.
One thing, I try to tell everyone who has lost a loved one....
My mother was such a joker, she'd love to make you laugh, and after she was gone, I remember the first time I forgot my grief, and laughed....all of a sudden I stopped and felt so guilty for being happy, for laughing, and then thought, "she would want me to laugh, she would never want me to grieve so much so that I fear being happy....
Once long after she was gone, I was shopping and picked something up, and thought, "mom would love this", suddenly, in the pit of my stomach, I came back to reality, and realized she was gone...wow....
Be happy Kathy, and be well with the wonderful thoughts of him, that will someday make you smile and yes, even laugh....remember those pictures....take them with you where ever you go, and he is there in your heart....always....
Keeping the Body(corpse) in your home ( bedroom) for years - Carl Tanzler did just that . Unlike cremins which family or close persons tend to keep in urns. This Chap chose to keep this decomposed obsession in his home .
Historians often infer that while the ancient Egyptians mummified and had pyramids to adorn the rulers of that time. It was more done as a homage amongst other "faith" beliefs. Burial was a process that incorporated into their society. It wasn't a stuck phase.
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For my endearing friend lost her Son . It was her only child. He served in the military . Came home and ended his life. She for years behaved in radical ways to thwart off that horrendous Grief. In and out of violent relationships. Drinking/drugs. She wanted to "FEEL" anything , but THAT LOSS! Six years later I walked her to the 'ward" for mental help. That was UNHEALTHY for her to endure six years of self inflicted pain.
We lost touch some years later as she started down the path towards healing. So while it may seem that "we all grieve" differently Or "who am I to tell someone when to cease grieving" , The answer from the medical side is simple- When the person is stuck or harming themselves or others. Stuck in one of the phases . Guidance to progress is necessary . Grief is a spectrum ...
I agree that six months isn't that long a time to even be out of the "shock and awe" phase, much less "moving on". I wouldn't worry about her being "stuck" until probably 24 months. She may come out of it in 12 or 18, or she may end up taking 36, but the 6 month mark is really not big potatoes when it comes to the typical story arc of any one person's grief, or even their being deep in grief.
A lot of the concern expressed so early in the process has way more to do with the observer's discomfort than with the person doing the actual sorrowing.
I agree that six months isn't that long a time to even be out of the "shock and awe" phase, much less "moving on". I wouldn't worry about her being "stuck" until probably 24 months. She may come out of it in 12 or 18, or she may end up taking 36, but the 6 month mark is really not big potatoes when it comes to the typical story arc of any one person's grief, or even their being deep in grief.
A lot of the concern expressed so early in the process has way more to do with the observer's discomfort than with the person doing the actual sorrowing.
I've read a lot of times couples who have lost a child, end up in divorce, so very sad....for everyone concerned....
no one can put a time limit on death and grieving.....and it's rather foolish to do so....
I've read a lot of times couples who have lost a child, end up in divorce, so very sad....for everyone concerned....
no one can put a time limit on death and grieving.....and it's rather foolish to do so....
There has to be a limit somewhere, but it's way outside the comfort zone of a lot of observers.
I have spoken elsewhere here about a woman wailing and carrying on as if her husband had JUST died, after SIX YEARS. I think that's a person who needs help getting un-stuck, and is at risk of harming themselves and possibly others (say, if they have children to care for, and are neglecting them). But six months is really nothing much.
There has to be a limit somewhere, but it's way outside the comfort zone of a lot of observers.
I have spoken elsewhere here about a woman wailing and carrying on as if her husband had JUST died, after SIX YEARS. I think that's a person who needs help getting un-stuck, and is at risk of harming themselves and possibly others (say, if they have children to care for, and are neglecting them). But six months is really nothing much.
Well, I agree with you here on this one, no doubt about it.
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