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One of my closest friends avoids funerals whenever she can. She did not come to either the visitation of my father or his funeral. I knew of her aversion, and I didn't hold it against her. A few days after the funeral, she took me out to lunch. It was nice, it was her way of showing me sympathy, and I got to talk to a good friend much longer than I would have with when dealing with a large crowd.
tht was a nice jesture on her part....and so good of you to understand....everyone deals with things differently and again, if it doesn't hurt anyone, then society isn't always right, that's for sure....yanno, after the funeral, so many people say, it's the hardest time, because everyone leaves and goes home to their families and there you are, alone, dealing with the loss of a loved one, so, to visit you, bring you a meal, take you to lunch would be a lovely way to extend care and concern.
Her dad abandoned her when she was a baby. And then Cremebrulee doesn't attend the funeral. If I were the daughter, I MIGHT feel like I was abandoned again.
First off, she didn't know her dad....and it's a long story but his mother remarried quickly so....and secondly, it turned out, we both (she and I) worked for a huge corporation, there fore we knew of each other but really didn't know each other well....
again, people hold onto anger when they are unable to view that we don't all think and believe alike
I can't do funerals and won't, and if she'd have reached out, I would have explained that to her...she had told me she was going to call me before hand and give me directions, but never did, at that time I planned on telling her. Believe me, I struggled with the whole matter, but decided against going...again, I don't know why, but I'd have sat there and bawled like a blubbering baby, unable to turn it off....that is something no one wants to see, especially when family members don't cry....and I'm not sorry in the least...
Geeze Louise, I cry at movies, when others hurt, I cry and when they tell me sad stories, it's even happened at work with a boss...and it makes me so angry that I do that...so....
My (now deceased) dad and I both cry a lot at funerals. Also weddings, sad movies, sad books, poetry, beautiful music. When I know I’m going to be somewhere where I’ll cry, I of course bring tissues, and if at all possible wear a hat I can tilt down a bit to hide my eyes. I’d never judge anyone for not attending a funeral, but since your friend’s daughter apparently is doing so, maybe just choose a moment and go up to her and briefly explain? I’m also wondering if it’s possible she instead might be feeling guilty about not visiting her dad and is avoiding you because of that, or maybe she’s just thinking your role in her life ended when her dad died, so no more reason to talk to you? At any rate, you were there for your friend during his last years, and that’s the relationship that matters here. I’m sorry for your loss.
Want to thank you for your message and rep....she could be thinking all kinds of things, maybe it's misdirected anger with her, (easier to be angry with me, than herself) She had a chance to get to know him, and for whatever reasons, (and people don't do things for one reason but for many) she chose not to...I was wrong to interfer, because I talked him into contacting her...he was struggling with it for years. My son and I went out to the midwest to visit him...and I gotta tell you, he was the kindest person...respectful, caring, and realized his own mistakes...but kept thinking he should leave well enough alone.
Well, when she rejected the visit, it really hurt him terrible...so that's my fault...and I'm so sorry for interferring....you never know how people are going to react....and I'm not angry at her for her decission, and she maybe didn't want to do it out of respect for her step father...? Who knows what we all go thru...but if it's easier to be angry with me, than so be it....it wasn't like we were close friends.
Her father, mentored me for many years, we were close friends...in 12th grade we tried dating but felt it was a mistake, b/c our friendship was way too valuable to take the chance of it going south and loose a friendship, besides, we didn't have much in common in that respect, but we were close friends....strictly platonic....and having a male friend like that, is not only rewarding but a lifelong bond.
When my DH died, I was supported by all the people at his funeral. Their tears provided me with comfort- I was not alone; their presence gave me solace- I was not alone.
And we had a wonderful celebration of life party after the funeral mass!
You are not the odd one out. My mother has not attended a funeral since my dad died in 2004. She can't handle it mentally.
That does not mean she does not care for the deceased and their loved ones. When her brother died in 2008 she chose not to attend his funeral. His wife and kids left him 6 months before he died, he was a severe diabetic and she knew that when they got married. About the time she up and left (never got an actual divorce) his health was getting worse. He was living alone but my mom visited him every week. Then one of his SIL's moved in with him because she had no place to go so she was sort of taking care of him but not really more like a companion. She went to bed then woke up the next morning and he was unconscious. long story short he died a week later. My mother was so angry at his wife and her family because no one really gave a crap about him when he was alive and she did not want to be around those people at his funeral especially his wife that left him. My mom hated her from the day they met but kept her mouth shut because it was her brother and this is who he chose to marry. I understood why mom chose not to attend so me, my brother and husband went in her place. I felt angry too at them but I held it together. There's more to this story which I will not bore you with. If someone can't attend a funeral there are valid reasons and that does not mean they care any less.
i too can't handle funerals mentally so for my own sake i choose to not go. i prefer to remember the people i love the way they were alive. i've gone to 3 funerals in 56 yrs. i don't plan on going to anymore.
When my DH died, I was supported by all the people at his funeral. Their tears provided me with comfort- I was not alone; their presence gave me solace- I was not alone.
And we had a wonderful celebration of life party after the funeral mass!
I'm very thankful for you, you are blessed, but I don't believe people understand, I don't tear, I sob, and sob and sob....and can't stop....and when I look at those who are left behind, I sob even more...
I'm guessing, I'll receive some slack for this, but here goes....
I am unable to do funerals, can't....cannot stop sobbing and literally mean sobbing...
It is so devestating to see others hurting for the loss of their loved ones...
I had a wonderful male friend, we knew each other since 7th grade...he was the most loyal, generous, respectable man and loved him like a brother....our relationship was one like sister and brother, strictly platonic. He will forever own a place in my heart.
He passed away from Cancer a few years ago...and they had a service for him.
His daughter was estranged from him, as when he left town to live in another state, when she was a baby and he felt he gave up his right to be in his daughter's life. Especially since his ex remarried....he didn't feel being a long distance father would be healthy for her.
After I divorced, he and I reconnected and would talk on the phone sharing happy moments, stories, problems and fears as we always did.
His daughter would come up now and then in conversation, and I suggested to maybe contact her...he finally did so, and she was supposed to go out to visit him in Arizona, but in the end, did not. It crushed him, he understood she was afraid. I suppose if I were her, the feelings would have been the same. I suggested he come to her, that way she'd be more comfortable, but he abandoned the idea...that first rejection, as he saw it, tore him up....men do not think the same way as women.
Turns out she and I worked at the same corporation, and she and I would talk and I'd tell her about her dad and what a wonderful, kind human being he was, but never asked her why she didn't go visit him. It was none of my business.
Then he contracted a very rare form of Cancer and passed away....
So I had every intention of going to his service, but at the last moment, I caved and didn't go. Why you say? Because I can't, because while I'm a very strong woman, I sob like an old ball bag, and cannot control the tears...it is hugely embarrassing.
When my foster mother passed away, it was terrible, I sat up front with my sibblings and was the only one crying. From that moment on, decided to never attend another funeral. I don't cry outloud, but the tears just flow, like some crazy unstoppable river....then I go home with a pounding headache.
Does anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you deal with it....why is it so difficult for people to understand, that we don't all think and feel alike?
Oh btw, since I chose not to go to my male friends funeral service, his daughter chose to never speak to me again. I never pressed it nor told her why.
Same here. Last funeral I went to was my fathers. Most of my family has passed, so it isn't an issue. Husband has family, but most want cremation and a "memorial" later. I would only go to support husband. They all live 2500 miles away so we just send flowers typically.
Honestly OP, who cares how much you cry. Not to sound harsh, but it’s not about you.
I care, and I know it's not about me, but some people might see it as an attention grabber, like my little sister...once said....
its important to remember, we ALL think and feel differently about things, what deeply bothers me are people in pain, over the loss of their loved ones...
I'm sorry you are unable to understand, but in the end, I really don't care, what I care about is, that others try and understand people like me...just b/c you think and feel one way and I another, doesn't make you right and me wrong, or vice versa, and that is so very essential to understand. People are not bad people because they don't think and feel like you do....
and I care how much I cry, it is embarrassing as hell....here are these poor people who lost someone they dearly cared about....a child, a spouse, a mother, father, or sibbling...and it hurts something awful, to see their loss...their pain.
Honestly OP, who cares how much you cry. Not to sound harsh, but it’s not about you.
LOL anytime anyone says something like "Not to be harsh, but" or "This may sound bad, but" I know to hunker down.
This DOES sound harsh, even with your disclaimer. I have never gotten "It's about me," out of the OP's posts. Her response to you makes perfect sense to me also.
I lost my husband in 2020. To be completely honest with you (there's one of those phrases - look out!), I don't even remember who was at the funeral - it was like a blur to me. I certainly don't remember who cried and who didn't. However, I do know some people who seem to be very interested in all this stuff, and keeping up with who does what when and where and why and how. So there's another perspective or two for you.
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