Not sure what to do or expect when my wife starts grieving a little nervous and scared
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I’ve never gone through it before, and I’ve never witnessed anyone grieving before. My wife told me when her dad passed she wished she had me so she could squeeze me against her when she scream cried herself to sleep. She told me it would help a lot so I agreed. But now I’m not quite sure what to expect. I have never been hugged against someone who was crying, much less scream crying. Will I feel anything from her body or anything and does the movement change when it’s scream crying?
I’ve never gone through it before, and I’ve never witnessed anyone grieving before. My wife told me when her dad passed she wished she had me so she could squeeze me against her when she scream cried herself to sleep. She told me it would help a lot so I agreed. But now I’m not quite sure what to expect. I have never been hugged against someone who was crying, much less scream crying. Will I feel anything from her body or anything and does the movement change when it’s scream crying?
It's called lamenting or death-wailing, not scream crying. And it should not be done to get to sleep.
It would be helpful for you to be there for her but yes, you will feel something if you let her do that and it could be harmful to you. Hanging on to and squeezing you won't help your wife the way she is thinking it will and it will be both physically and emotionally distressful for both of you. Her body movements might become seizure-like and uncontrollable so she might actually cause some serious physical injury to you or herself or both of you (like broken ribs, sprains or massive bruising) from squeezing you too hard when she is experiencing uncontrollable rock-hard muscle contractions during her lament.
If your wife has to hang on to and squeeze something while death-wailing herself to sleep then she should actually be taking a sedative to calm her down and help her get to sleep. But if she refuses a sedative give her something else to squeeze that she can wail into and, figuratively, squeeze the stuffings out of and she can't harm it or herself, such as a big full length body pillow or very large stuffed toy animal like a big plush teddy bear, dog or bunny. You should also be prepared with very warm blankets to wrap her in in case she goes into shock and loses body temperature.
If she's going to be screaming and wailing while lamenting you should also be prepared to be having the police knocking on your door because of unsuspecting neighbours reporting what they think is domestic abuse.
My dad passed away and I didn't do any "scream crying". In fact the illness leading up to his death was way worse than his actual passing which was a blessing as he had no quality of life anymore.
That said, it helped a lot to have the support of my boyfriend, friends and coworkers. It was good to be able to share the sadness with other family members.
Just hold her and comfort her, even my husband cried when his dad died, I held him, he held me when my mom died, she just needs you to be there for her.
My dad passed away and I didn't do any "scream crying". In fact the illness leading up to his death was way worse than his actual passing which was a blessing as he had no quality of life anymore.
That said, it helped a lot to have the support of my boyfriend, friends and coworkers. It was good to be able to share the sadness with other family members.
I don't think I ever saw or heard anyone "scream crying" after the death of their loved one- though I may have heard it long ago when my aunt (self-centered drama queen ) engaged in it at the death of my grandmother ( her mother) as she blamed my parents for grandma's death because it occurred when she was visiting us ( complications of emphysema). She apparently did it during the viewing of my grandma before the funeral, but we kids were not allowed in the room where the viewing was, so I could only guess what awful thing might be happening to hear her react like that.
I've never done it myself, the death of my parents, sibling, close friends has always left what feels like a deep ache in my heart, and quiet sobbing in private is how I've always dealt with it.
I wouldn't consider inflicting a strangulating squeeze or hug on anyone under those circumstances, but I can say a comforting
hug from a spouse, other loved one sure helps things and it means a lot.
When my mother died, I would stop on the hill going into the valley where our house was, because the Milky Way was very prominent there. I'd sit on the hood of my car, lean back on the windshield, and basically scream and cry. I only did this there in that spot. Otherwise, it took me a while to stop randomly crying.....grief is such a personal thing. I'd give anyone I care about wide latitude. Support the ones you love and care about when they grieve, in whatever way they ask for and in whatever way feels proper for you.
Some people Vant To Be Alone when they are deep in grief and some people want company. Sometimes the same person wants different things at different times. Be available, offer your hugs, don't be offended if you're waved off despite what she has said.
She may be wrongly assuming her experience of grief will necessarily be identical each and every time.
Your concerns sound neuro-atypical. I wish I could offer you ironclad descriptions about what to expect. Communication is key, just be available, bear witness, show that you care.
When my previous wife died, I had one episode similar to what your wife seems to be describing where I collapsed on the patio in the middle of the night and heard this horrible wailing sound, and then realized it was coming from ME. It only happened once and it didn't last long. Everyone's different. Usually everything won't be an out-of-body experience like that. It is unpredictable.
Some people Vant To Be Alone when they are deep in grief and some people want company. Sometimes the same person wants different things at different times. Be available, offer your hugs, don't be offended if you're waved off despite what she has said.
She may be wrongly assuming her experience of grief will necessarily be identical each and every time.
Your concerns sound neuro-atypical. I wish I could offer you ironclad descriptions about what to expect. Communication is key, just be available, bear witness, show that you care.
When my previous wife died, I had one episode similar to what your wife seems to be describing where I collapsed on the patio in the middle of the night and heard this horrible wailing sound, and then realized it was coming from ME. It only happened once and it didn't last long. Everyone's different. Usually everything won't be an out-of-body experience like that. It is unpredictable.
You'll do the right thing when the time comes.
I agree with this.
I have been taken aback at the grief when it's come out of left field (I lost my husband unexpectedly in 2020). But it's gotten a lot more manageable and I've decided that I'm a naturally happy person and so was he so he wouldn't want me to be sitting around grieving and I'm just not going to do that anymore.
Your wife will be OK and so will you. I doubt that she does the screaming much if at all. Once it's out of our system, it seems to be fine.
For the record, I have never screamed in agony at my darling husband's death. I have, however, screamed in grief at my dad's death. I know, weird, right? But it was one time and it was after I found some first aid kit in his brief case when what killed him was an auto immune disorder of his platelets - it was like, you know, the best laid plans of mice and men and all that good stuff and it just hit me and I remember ugly crying, probably even screaming, in my office. But it was over quickly and then, that was it, ya know? After that, after that one episode of really ugly crying and maybe even screaming, on my knees in my own house, that was it and I felt so much better. Anyway, with my darling husband, the grief has lasted a lot longer, but after the initial shock (the first day) I don't think I have screamed with grief or agony or whatever - I have just cried, when appropriate actually so I'm OK with that.
And nearly two years later, I don't cry all that often anymore but I do tear up and I also talk with him sometimes. I think that's fine and I feel fine about it. I miss him. I miss his laugh, his scent, feeling his hair between my fingers, I just miss that man so much. But he's gone - he's gone, he's never coming back, and I've accepted that. So I talk with him sometimes, like when I drove out into the country to look at bluebonnets and other wildflowers, which I know he would have loved doing. But he's never going to do it again, and I've just got to accept that, so I have. It's been a hard journey but now two years out, I like my life as it is. Would I want him back again? Yes, but that's never going to happen. So I may as well make a happy life without him, which I am doing.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
