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Very sorry for your loss. Grief is a process and takes time. Sometimes you have to just put yourself in "think only" mode and just not feel (when you have to take care of normal everyday things). I had a counselor one time tell me "if you don't like how you feel, then don't feel, think. It's okay to do that (and process your feelings over time).
Not doing an autopsy is a good thing because they are not suspecting foul play. I would just assume it was a heart attack. I would not force an autopsy if it were me. Don't put yourself through unnecessary hardship.
Take good care of yourself and get help if you need it. Hire a landscaping service (at least for a few months).
Sorry for your loss. Brings thoughts about what my wife will do if I go first. I am 74 and she is 61, but my health is much better and I take care of her.
I am so sorry, MollybyGolly. You expressed what I imagine would be the thoughts of most people who have found themselves in this situation. He was too young to die, especially so suddenly, and you could not have been prepared for such an untimely passing.
It is good to see Kathryn Aragon replied to your thread, as she experienced a similar situation with her husband's unexpected death. It's also a good thing to have your mother and Aunt available to lean on for support even if they're not staying with you. I know what you mean about your being an introvert and the need for time to be alone to recharge. I'm thinking your mother and Aunt know you better than most and will certainly respect your parameters as you process this tremendous loss.
Your rescue pets will help keep your body and mind occupied even though it won't be a panacea for your pain. Did you depend on his daily assistance with the animals? You mentioned the thoughts that coursed through your mind in the minutes after he died. I could see how these very practical concerns - matters which you may not even seriously entertain when your spouse is alive and well - would suddenly appear in the midst of such a sudden demise.
You will get through this, though, hard as it is to fathom now, and you will somehow do what needs to be done. Life has a way of forcing us back on our feet, it seems, even after a tragedy.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Our sincere condolences as many of us (C-D) have dealt with similar grief.
I was a caregiver for 30+ yrs, and do hospice volunteering,
Currently have an ailing and aging spouse and self, so life is fragile, handle with care. (By word, deed, action, purpose)
So glad your DH did not have to endure months or yrs of suffering, but you are left with a lot of indecision and future care, decisions, and resolution of his and your stuff.
Take your time to grieve, sounds like you have good neighbors. Allow them and friends to care for you as you discover your new normal and your future self. It is truly a blessing for them to be able to help you. Accept and appreciate their care and love.
Life will return, but memories will stay fresh and you will cry, and laugh. Savor the moment, and this chapter of your life. Tho not pleasant, it is important and formulative.
You are special, loved, and supported, and your DH was as well, and will be remembered by many as to how he impacted and benefited their life, as he did yours.
Our best and earnest thoughts and prayers for you during this difficult (yet beneficial) time.
Take care of yourself, breath deep and press on, you are important to many people you know, and will meet today and tomorrow. May there be a light in and from your life to guide you and others through your experience.
It's our worst nightmare----yet you are at such young age for this (like KA). I am so, so sorry.
I can relate to your mind immediately going to something recognizable it could deal with, like the grass.
When my 18 y/o sister died in the back yard, and the yellow tape went up, and the cops came, my mother was so overwhelmed, all she could say was: "I've got to get the clothes off the line".
They did find solace in some grief support groups but never talked about it.
But losing a sister is nothing like a spouse. My life went on as normal, nothing changed.
Everything will change for you and that seems so unfair. Like just the loss itself isn't enough, then you have to deal with....everything!
Thank you all so much. I cannot even express how much your kind words have comforted me.
I have been a member of CD for around 10 years. I don't post much but spend a lot of time just reading the various threads. I feel like I "know" so many of you, just from reading posts over the years.
I came to Grief and Morning initially when my dad passed in February of 2021. I don't think I posted, but I read all the posts and it reassured me that my feelings were "normal".
I have read Kathryn's thread over the past year about losing her husband. I was often amazed at the strength and resilience she demonstrated and often thought that there was no way I could endure that if it happened to me. And now here I am.
I am 8 years older than my husband and just turned 60. We always joked around that I married a younger man so I would have someone to take care of me when I got old and feeble.
Awwwww, I am so glad you reached out and I do recognize your screen name.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am holding you close. This is a tough journey. You know what I always tell myself? I always, always tell myself that life holds hard things but it's our duty to learn from these events, and God knows I want to learn things the first go round rather than getting the same lesson over and over again!
I also always remind myself of how blessed I am overall. I lost my husband and he was only 62. I am nearly five years younger than him. But regardless, he is dead and I have my life before me. Who knows how long I will live? I don't know but I do know that I am very healthy for my age so probably many more years. I want those years to be positive, I want to travel and enjoy my life and do things as long as I can. I don't want to be a depressed widow woman sitting alone in my house as the world goes by. I knew before his funeral. Maybe not the day he died but within a few days. I think the first day I was just in absolute shock.
Oh, my sister - my heart is heavy for you. You have many challenges ahead of you. But first and foremost, you have to take care of your own needs. THIS IS YOUR FIRST COMMANDMENT - TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I don't mean that flippantly, I mean it FOR REAL.
I promise you this - one day you will laugh and smile again. One day you will enjoy things again. One day you will feel normal and more just like yourself. Right now things are so raw and unreal and weird. They will slowly settle into place.
I think the hardest time for me personally was about 4 or 5 months after my husband died. At first there was the funeral, all the loved ones surrounding me, etc. Then there was this sense of shock. Then I fell and broke my arm. All this time, I think I still felt married if that makes sense. But then one day. around Christmas or maybe a little after (the first year of holidays was ROUGH but the second for me was a lot better) I realized and truly grasped that he was gone for good and that this was my life. And I felt very sad, for several months.
Oh I want to point out something else - I didn't realize this for the longest time, but one day it just hit me - I was grieving not only for my husband (and that was bad enough because I miss him so, so much) but I was also grieving for the life I had lost, we had lost, that identity, that feeling of security, etc. It was two differing types of grief and as soon as I realized that, I began to heal from the second one as well as the first one. Maybe this will help you, maybe not, I don't know.
Our sincere condolences as many of us (C-D) have dealt with similar grief.
I was a caregiver for 30+ yrs, and do hospice volunteering,
Currently have an ailing and aging spouse and self, so life is fragile, handle with care. (By word, deed, action, purpose)
So glad your DH did not have to endure months or yrs of suffering, but you are left with a lot of indecision and future care, decisions, and resolution of his and your stuff.
Take your time to grieve, sounds like you have good neighbors. Allow them and friends to care for you as you discover your new normal and your future self. It is truly a blessing for them to be able to help you. Accept and appreciate their care and love.
Life will return, but memories will stay fresh and you will cry, and laugh. Savor the moment, and this chapter of your life. Tho not pleasant, it is important and formulative.
You are special, loved, and supported, and your DH was as well, and will be remembered by many as to how he impacted and benefited their life, as he did yours.
Our best and earnest thoughts and prayers for you during this difficult (yet beneficial) time.
Take care of yourself, breath deep and press on, you are important to many people you know, and will meet today and tomorrow. May there be a light in and from your life to guide you and others through your experience.
This is such a great post. I bolded the parts that really, really struck me as true (though it's all true). This is not an easy time - it's a hard, hard time, maybe the hardest time you will ever experience. But going through this can make you a much stronger and better person. Get this - we will all - ALL OF US - eventually lose someone very dear to us - if we're lucky. That's harsh but it's true. You will know how it feels and you can help others. Maybe you're like me - maybe you're saying "BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO BE THIS STRONG!" Well, here you are and here most people will be. Hang in there. You can make it to the other side. And you can be a better person because of this.
It IS a tragedy but death nearly always is. You know what though? It won't be a tragedy for me. I am already 60. I'm ready. My fear is more about the WAY I may go rather than the actual going if that makes sense. I already told my kids that I've led a great life, full of love and entertainment and excitement! You know what - re assessing our lives and regrouping, figuring out what's most important, all that good stuff, those are positives to grief that are often overlooked. There ARE so many positives to our grieving. My prayer is that you come to see that.
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