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So sad that this goes on....my partners sister took their fathers ring after he died... there were three sisters and one son, my partner who had always been promised the ring... it wasnt that it was valuable.. just a gold ring.. it wasnt as if it was the oldest sister who took it.. but a younger one who gave it to her son... this caused a massive rift in the family , and I feel for anyone treated badly over things like this..
So sad that this goes on....my partners sister took their fathers ring after he died... there were three sisters and one son, my partner who had always been promised the ring... it wasnt that it was valuable.. just a gold ring.. it wasnt as if it was the oldest sister who took it.. but a younger one who gave it to her son... this caused a massive rift in the family , and I feel for anyone treated badly over things like this..
.........."who had always been promised the ring".....
That is why I had a talk with my kids and when I made out my will I wrote my wishes in the will.
This is going on, same scenario. My brother is holding the "ashes" hostage soni cant go forward with a joint memorial service. He sures wants the 2 houses & half ofcthe stocks & bank accounts though. He wants money but never showed up at the care home to spend time with mom, i went everyday. It sickens me. Its like greed and the scrooge. I dont want anything because i have everything i need in my heart. Time spent & helped when needed.
This problem has been around since time began, I think.
I had two older sisters (one has since passed and the other currently on way). We had a tough time growing up, Dad was a violent drunk when he drank. Mom was a true co-dependent. Love was almost always conditional.
Dad was killed when hit by a car at age 67. Mom died at almost 88 from not taking care of herself. She remained difficult to be around close up to the end. But I stuck with her (I had my times where there was no communication). She was going through difficult times, first the nursing home, then the hospital, surgery, and then death. I knew she was scared. So I decided to give her what I could.... my time. My sisters did not visit her in nursing home or hospital. They did not even come to the funeral.
It's taken a long time to understand how my Mom and Dad got to be the people they were. Life is hard and their beginnings were very hard. I have a lot of compassion now for both of them.
Unfortunately my two kids are now doing the cold shoulder with me. Their father told them some wild stories that they bought hook, line, and sinker. I cannot undo what has been done. They are now in their 50s and I have little hope that things will ever get better.
Many times it's a love/hate relationship in families and extended families. When someone dies, you get to find out which emotion is the larger share. When you marry, you get to double the size of potential problems.
If I can give any younger people advice, it's to be as available as you can, communicate with whomever wants to, but live your own life. Don't argue about things that you know you'll never agree on. Most importantly, let others enjoy life and do things that They want to do. Too many times families and extended families get so caught up with being together, it becomes a burden for some, and a constant hindrance to others.
I've gotten to witness the incredible breakdowns of four families in my lifetime, and witness the embarrassing aftermath of infighting over money, possessions, all of that. Only one did I see coming, the others were sad, as well as unexpected. Many families don't realize that constantly doing things together is not necessarily what's best for that particular group. It can, and will breakdown many a family unit.
But it's the greed many of us have seen that can sometimes come out of nowhere. I witnessed it again with another family last year. What was once a group living far apart that still managed to get together twice a year, became separate families that no longer speak at all. Things that nobody ever talked about, came out. People felt strangled and chained down by the extended family, and felt free once the eldest had passed on. Once again, there were the obvious signs of money-handling that nobody wanted to talk about, and that became the impetus for the total split.
The sad part of it is that the younger people witness this, and begin to adopt the sentiments of those they're close to. The bitterness that comes from bursting the bubble fantasy of families staying together in some way is extreme.
As someone said earlier, there are two sides to every story. And there are many truths, about as many as there are people in the situation. My husband and I stay out of family dramas, or at least try to. Our resolve was tested recently when we found out his 88 year old mother had bought (been talked into?) a $500,000 commercial property for his sister's shop. It appears we were the last to know. Our concern is that my MIL is ailing and has endured some long hospitalizations/stays in rehab centers. We are wondering if she has enough money to last the rest of her life.
We discussed the issue at length, going over our options (few, as SIL is the favorite child), and decided that instead of starting an elder financial abuse action and getting lawyers involved, we would simply cover any future payment shortfalls. My MIL has been more than generous with us. We can't bear the thought of upsetting her with a family squabble.
So to often families are torn apart due to a loved one passing and how things are handled afterward. My husband talks to his sister still, but wasnt happy how she handled their moms estate. I believe all siblings should know whats going on, how legal items are processed and able to track spending - where and why its being spent. It can be upsetting when someone feels theyre misusing the loved ones monies or possessions.
Having read these posts made me realize how blest I am. Before my MIL passed she had a private talk with her 5 survive children and spouses. Her house was left to the 5 siblings with the request that one son and disabled child be able to live there as long as needed. Ten years later 2 siblings died and their spouses inherited their ownership of house....guess what? BIL and son still in house and all are still very close (I am one of the spouses and would never hurt any of my late husband's siblings) We are honoring my MIL wishes and will Co it up as long as needed.
when my parents died I was the owner of their house and accounts. I paid their bills sold.the house and divided it evenly between my siblings and I. Even the brother that I never see or hear from because it was the right thing to do.
So some families are able to deal fairly with bad times.
Location: Segovia, central Spain, 1230 m asl, Csb Mediterranean with strong continental influence, 40º43 N
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I'm a 35 years old guy from Spain who was born and raised in the western Spanish countryside near Portugal border, just in a town where farming is the most important activity. Well, it was the town where the whole family members to my father side originate from.
I was living there until 2002, and they didn't care so much for my mother, nor my father nor my brother nor myself for years. No one did care about our birthdays, any single gift have been sent for years, things never were good, they never came to met us during Christmas dinners, but alone ourselves for years.
As we were rather poorer than everyone else from my father side, all the uncles, aunts and cousins rarely spoke us when random bump into them on the streets, except for few words like "hello".
It's a hard thing to deal with during childhood or early teens, but nowadays I don't care anymore, so that's why I'm happy by living my own way alone myself by living more than 400 km away to this town.
So, I don't want to see them anymore. In fact, I promise myself I won't go to any of their own burial ceremony anymore, and they won't be welcome to my own burial ceremony neither.
I know by my father how most of my cousins there had kids, but never seen them because I don't want to do so anymore.
English is my second language and still not fully fluent, so I'm sorry.
Last edited by overdrive1979; 10-13-2015 at 03:23 PM..
I have been a lawyer for many, many years. You would not believe the number of cases where what I would consider a really modest estate ends up destroying an entire family. I was recently involved in one where Mom had understandably left her entire (modest) estate to an adult daughter who had mental problems. The four other siblings - all successful adults, one a licensed therapist - went after the estate, making preposterous allegations that the impaired daughter had abused and deceived Mom. The net result? The impaired daughter ... committed suicide in the middle of the case. A happy ending for the siblings, I guess.
In my own case, I have not spoken with my older sister (age 75) or brother (age 77) in 30 years. This all resulted from a $27,000 feud (which they initiated) over our Dad's estate some 15 years after he had died. It was truly much ado about nothing. I recently reached out to them through my sister's son and received the emphatic response, "Hell no!!! Drop dead!!!" Still that bitter at ages 75 and 77? Unbelievable.
It is just a simple truth that, for many, many people, very modest sums of money are worth more than family ties or friendship. It is also true that a death can bring to the surface old wounds and resentments that have been simmering for decades. I don't know of any easy answers. I just tell people to leave their property to their beneficiaries outright (as opposed to a multi-beneficiary trust, which is an invitation to disaster), to make sure everyone knows what they will be receiving and why, and then hope for the best.
In the case of my sister and brother, I made a conscious decision to have no further contact and hope the bitterness would eventually fade. Since I learned after 30 years that it hadn't faded - at all - I now think my decision to cease contact was a wise one. I'm considerably younger, and there were apparently deep resentments that I had known nothing about until they all boiled over as the result of the death of our Dad.
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