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I posted this on Relationships and didn't get much response, thought this might be a better forum for it.
So.....I met this guy, really liked him, we really clicked. After 4 months he broke up with me, telling me that he just wasn't feeling a romantic connection. When I questioned that (he was the one always making the romantic gestures) he said he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Despite the fact that up front I made it clear that it really hurts to be lied to. Then he confessed that he is an alcoholic. I've never seen him drink more than 2-3 drinks in a day. He then pointed out all the times we parted early, or I went to bed...he just keeps on drinking. A few things clicked into place. 20/20.
I know part of his history fairly well so I had some questions for him. Has he ever tried detox? why not go back on wellbutrin? Therapy? He made it clear he doesn't WANT to be sober, and is resigned to living his life alone. Alcohol is more important to him than people.
Then he said he doesn't think he'll live much longer, not because he is planning to take his own life, but because he is going to transcend to a higher plane of existence.
His last GF knew about the alcohol, and it was obviously a problem. so this time he decided to try hiding it. When I told him how much lying bothers me, he got around it by never lying, but convincing himself that being deceitful and elusive is NOT the same thing (duh, it is!)
I feel like I was 'targeted' because I'm so easygoing and accepting. This is not the first time I've gone out with a guy who put his best foot forward DELIBERATELY knowing he would not be able to maintain the facade, enjoying a few dates (or more), then 'confessing' his true self (or just ghosting) and heading back to his hole under a rock. At that point I often get a lot of 'you are too good for me, you are a fantastic girlfriend, I don't deserve you'.
He was by all accounts a good boyfriend up to this point. A little quirky...I knew about his anxieties (he does take paxil for it) but they were manageable. I take Prozac and Wellbutrin myself so I don't expect everyone to be 'perfect'. He knew about my issues and made sure to check in on me if he thought I might be struggling (I don't struggle anymore, but he was sweet to think of it.) We had some good times and there seemed to be good communication and compromise. Or so I thought.
Any suggestions on how to avoid this particular pattern in the future? I know how to screen for crazy/angry/abusive/depressive and I won't go out with anyone who says they drink more than socially...but this kind of deliberate hiding of the true nature is something I don't know how to look for. Heck, my Mom is an alcoholic, but I would not describe her as 'closeted', just pretty private. She is often home alone and that is where she drinks, so no one really knows but family.
I'm not innocent...i know people do stuff like this, but I don't know any other way to approach a potential relationship but with an open heart.
It's a sad world we live in. People are so damaged!
Dating is all about getting to know each other; and when you find there are things about the other person that are deal-breakers, then you break it off.
Most people don't come across as their true self in the beginning; and unless you're forewarned by someone else, there's not much more you can do except watch for the red flags.
Keep a 6 pack of beer in your refrigerator. And invite new men you meet over. If the beer stays in the fridge after they have visited many times, then not-alcoholic. If they guzzle it ALL down on the first visit, say bye bye to them!
The worst will not even ask if they can have a beer - they see it and will start drinking it until it is all gone.
Dating is all about getting to know each other; and when you find there are things about the other person that are deal-breakers, then you break it off.
Most people don't come across as their true self in the beginning; and unless you're forewarned by someone else, there's not much more you can do except watch for the red flags.
This.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy_J
Keep a 6 pack of beer in your refrigerator. And invite new men you meet over. If the beer stays in the fridge after they have visited many times, then not-alcoholic. If they guzzle it ALL down on the first visit, say bye bye to them!
The worst will not even ask if they can have a beer - they see it and will start drinking it until it is all gone.
if he walks like a duck
quacks like a duck
he is a duck
the best way to get a healthy guy is be a healthy gal
tend to all your possible co dependent stuff first
do experiment dating
don't lock yourself in on one guy
also alcoholics as well as other disorders are sometimes well hidden, if you see a red flag, then pay attention!!
I've noticed that people with alcoholics in their own families are sometimes, without knowing, attracted to people with alcoholism. There is a "feeling" to the way people learn to interact in families with an alcoholic member which feels normal and comfortable. This is true even though the memories of unpleasant interactions are in the conscious mind. It's as though our subconscious has been conditioned to recognize an alcoholic interaction style and be able to respond to it.
How many times have you seen a woman divorce an alcoholic and swear never to do that again and yet, in spite of her caution, it happens again?
None of what I'm saying here is meant to be alarmist or blaming in any way, please understand. But it's not called a family disease for no reason. It does have an effect on everyone who lives with it.
So taking time to get to know a person before investing of yourself is very good advice. And in addition to that it is smart to take some time to educate yourself about the familial effects of alcoholism and learn how to identify your place in the mix. There are some books, you can do counseling, attend six months worth of Alanon meetings or find an Adult Children of Alcoholics group for that reason. The last two are free of charge.
[quote=Stagemomma;34868819]I posted this on Relationships and didn't get much response, thought this might be a better forum for it.
<<So.....I met this guy, really liked him, we really clicked. After 4 months he broke up with me, telling me that he just wasn't feeling a romantic connection. When I questioned that (he was the one always making the romantic gestures) he said he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Despite the fact that up front I made it clear that it really hurts to be lied to.
The reality, he just wasn't into you anymore
I know part of his history fairly well so I had some questions for him. Has he ever tried detox? why not go back on wellbutrin? Therapy? He made it clear he doesn't WANT to be sober, and is resigned to living his life alone.
That's just so you'd leave him alone
I feel like I was 'targeted' because I'm so easygoing and accepting. This is not the first time I've gone out with a guy who put his best foot forward DELIBERATELY knowing he would not be able to maintain the facade, enjoying a few dates (or more), then 'confessing' his true self (or just ghosting) and heading back to his hole under a rock..
I suggest that you let them enjoy the dates, just the dates and nothing but the dates, until you've gotten to know them well enough to screen out the undesirables, in other words, don't keep giving up the goodies on the strength of a couple of dates, unless of course you don't want a relationship, you just want to hook up.
.
Any suggestions on how to avoid this particular pattern in the future? Be careful
I'm not innocent...i know people do stuff like this, but I don't know any other way to approach a potential relationship but with an open heart.
It's a sad world we live in. People are so damaged!
You got that right
You come across as a sweet and generous person who maybe feels deeply very quickly, protect your heart,don't go by what they say,go by what they do
I've noticed that people with alcoholics in their own families are sometimes, without knowing, attracted to people with alcoholism. There is a "feeling" to the way people learn to interact in families with an alcoholic member which feels normal and comfortable. This is true even though the memories of unpleasant interactions are in the conscious mind. It's as though our subconscious has been conditioned to recognize an alcoholic interaction style and be able to respond to it.
How many times have you seen a woman divorce an alcoholic and swear never to do that again and yet, in spite of her caution, it happens again?
None of what I'm saying here is meant to be alarmist or blaming in any way, please understand. But it's not called a family disease for no reason. It does have an effect on everyone who lives with it.
So taking time to get to know a person before investing of yourself is very good advice. And in addition to that it is smart to take some time to educate yourself about the familial effects of alcoholism and learn how to identify your place in the mix. There are some books, you can do counseling, attend six months worth of Alanon meetings or find an Adult Children of Alcoholics group for that reason. The last two are free of charge.
I wish you well.
I hear you...and I have read this also, and experienced it first-hand. I have quite a few friends who have come from alcoholic families, as I do. They seem to me to have extra capacity for understanding the needs of others and being patient and compassionate. More self-aware. I suppose this applies to those who have learned how to function in the midst of dysfunction.
In this guy's case, I think he wondered so long what 'normal people' were like that he studied very carefully and learned a lot of good social skills. So he gave the appearance of being much more functional than he really was. I'm not sure anyone ever told him that was a reasonable strategy and normal response to feeling uncomfortable interacting with others.
Keep a 6 pack of beer in your refrigerator. And invite new men you meet over. If the beer stays in the fridge after they have visited many times, then not-alcoholic. If they guzzle it ALL down on the first visit, say bye bye to them!
The worst will not even ask if they can have a beer - they see it and will start drinking it until it is all gone.
The worst ones will bring their own beer!
To the OP. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation, secrecy, and deceit. It could take months of flushing out a persons true nature. But you will notice signs almost from the beginning, trust your instincts.
I dated a woman for 8 months before I realized her problem. I always felt something was not right with her, but took me awhile to put it together. The longer you date someone, the more they let their guard down.
I've noticed that people with alcoholics in their own families are sometimes, without knowing, attracted to people with alcoholism. There is a "feeling" to the way people learn to interact in families with an alcoholic member which feels normal and comfortable. This is true even though the memories of unpleasant interactions are in the conscious mind. It's as though our subconscious has been conditioned to recognize an alcoholic interaction style and be able to respond to it.
How many times have you seen a woman divorce an alcoholic and swear never to do that again and yet, in spite of her caution, it happens again?
None of what I'm saying here is meant to be alarmist or blaming in any way, please understand. But it's not called a family disease for no reason. It does have an effect on everyone who lives with it.
So taking time to get to know a person before investing of yourself is very good advice. And in addition to that it is smart to take some time to educate yourself about the familial effects of alcoholism and learn how to identify your place in the mix. There are some books, you can do counseling, attend six months worth of Alanon meetings or find an Adult Children of Alcoholics group for that reason. The last two are free of charge.
I wish you well.
--Almost everyone, connsciously or unconsciously, models a future mate or marriage, at least in part, on what their parents were like. What they grew up with is what they see as "normal." So its absolutely not surprising that you're attracted to people who turn out to be alcoholics. And in my experience at least, alcoholics can also be quite charming when they're not too liquored up.
--Al-Anon is probably a good idea. But I would avoid ACOA at all costs. While therapy of some sort will probably help, I have NEVER heard anything about ACOA except that its full of crazy, angry people in groups with little to no direction. This is second-hand. I've never attended an ACOA meeting, so YMMV. But I've heard that from a few people trying to come to terms with alky parents, and they're the ones who told me that Al-Anon was much better.
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