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I’m a married guy in my mid 40s with one child (my wife and i just had him). I’ve now been unemployed for 1.5 years. My previous work of 8 years I worked in sales (remote work) and saved enough from that job to not work for several years. After quitting that last job I took a good 4 or so months off to do nothing as I simply needed to relax (i couldn’t stand that job). I then began working on a new path of self employment which hasn’t worked out so far at all. But to be honest, I haven’t been so highly motivated this entire time so i certainly haven’t put in 100%, at all. Not even close. So here I am still unemployed and still very slowly attempting to make things work by working for myself. But I’m truly mentally struggling and moving insanely slow. All of this savings I have is probably hurting me but one day it will run out and anyway, i can’t keep living this way. Impossible. I’m just so so damn stuck. Mentally stuck. How the heck can I get out of this mental rut??
Best way I can think of is to take a regular paying job. Sales, or even retail. Just the routine of having to show up on a schedule dictated by an employer, having to operate by someone else’s work rules, etc. will give you the motivation and get the juices flowing to get yourself moving in the direction that makes most sense for you.
Reading your post, OP, it seems to me that you haven't truly transitioned in your thinking from single-guy-who-does-what-he-wants (you needed four months to "relax"?) to proud-father-and-breadwinner.
With a child you no longer have the option of goofing off. WK is right: Get a job, stick with it, then get a better job. Your wife deserves a break.
Reading your post, OP, it seems to me that you haven't truly transitioned in your thinking from single-guy-who-does-what-he-wants (you needed four months to "relax"?) to proud-father-and-breadwinner.
With a child you no longer have the option of goofing off. WK is right: Get a job, stick with it, then get a better job. Your wife deserves a break.
...and he needs to do so for his own peace of mind. Men need "a" purpose, or just 'purpose' in general. A child, i.e. raising a responsible citizen, is one possible purpose and a serious and adult burden.
Without purpose, men in-particular fall into a rut. Women have complementary but not identical life drivers.
Having fallen off of my purpose in-general, then going on the so-called Hero's Journey from complacency to tribulation to retreat into familiarity (initial rejection) to revelation and embrace of higher goals to achievement once again, I might know a bit about it the past year / year and a half.
Best way I can think of is to take a regular paying job. Sales, or even retail. Just the routine of having to show up on a schedule dictated by an employer, having to operate by someone else’s work rules, etc. will give you the motivation and get the juices flowing to get yourself moving in the direction that makes most sense for you.
This. OP, you've left that phase of life when you only have to consider your own desires. The time to indulge yourself with "time off to decompress" is over. The clock is ticking. A continuing pattern of leaving jobs and choosing to be unemployed won't make you appear a promising prospect for future employers. Talk about anxiety and pressure!
Even if the next job you land isn't as stimulating or rewarding as you'd prefer, the knowledge that you are keeping the wolf from the door should provide a lot of satisfaction as well as stress release. If it doesn't, that's a big problem. Knowing you're not in debt and saving a little every month can be VERY motivating! Use the first job as a stepping stone and a buffer against hard times. You never know just when something you get exposed to on the job might send you in a new direction professionally. Don't expect an entry level position at a new employer to be the last job you'll ever want. You're going to have to work into that (the whole paying your dues thing). Plan beyond that first job and work toward a future one that is more personally rewarding.
Since you posted in Mental Health...is it possible you are depressed? You could see a doctor about getting on an anti-depressant. It isn't a cure-all, but sometimes give you the mental space to do the work you need to do.
Having savings is not a good reason not to work. Do you have retirement savings? A college fund for your child? There is no such thing as "I have so much money I don't need to work".
Believe me, I get it. I don't like my job. It is a struggle to force myself to go in every day and the days are long and boring. I definitely feel trapped and I don't have an answer for you there.
Last edited by Stagemomma; 09-15-2021 at 08:47 AM..
Having savings is not a good reason not to work. Do you have retirement savings? A college fund for your child? There is no such thing as "I have so much money I don't need to work".
Agree. Its one thing to save up some extra cash so the family can take a nicer vacation and quite another to save just so you can stop earning for a while. Boom, bust, boom, bust, over and over again. You still need a basic financial cushion you don't touch in anything other than an emergency. If you build a bit of buffer on TOP of that, an occasional luxury isn't a horrible thing. If you have a cushion that you don't need to count on from day to day and you can put to work for you, that's going to be a huge stress reliever (which can help with depression too).
Remember, a job is more than take home pay every month. It may also mean eligibility for or inclusion in insurance plans that cover the whole family, a way to save for your child's education, being vested in a retirement plan or pension that you and your spouse benefit from way down the line when one or both of you can't work.
FWIW, I've known a couple of single people who went through life feeling that extra money burns a hole in their pocket and they can't stand knowing its there. Never turned out to be a great strategy. No one can predict the future. It has a bad habit of surprising you...in a pretty negative manner. Its one thing if you are the only person who gets hurt if you end up getting that negative surprise. Don't assume you can simply walk into another job whenever the saving account is exhausted and you want to fill it up again. As you've found out, that isn't a given unless you are a unicorn every potential employer will fight over. Is that you?
Last edited by Parnassia; 09-15-2021 at 12:33 PM..
I will say that if OP is the primary child care provider while wife works, that is a legit use of time and also can be emotionally draining. I was a young stay at home mom when I started struggling with depression and had to go on Prozac. My daughter was 2. I'm still taking Prozac 22 years later. No shame in it.
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