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CONTENT WARNING: Self-harm, mentions of suicidal thoughts.
This is a long one, heavy. I would give a TL;DR but I don’t even know how to sum it up in just a couple sentences. Long-winded summary of my declining relationship, written for catharsis more than anything else. If you have anything to say in response, please don’t hesitate. Perhaps hearing about other peoples’ similar experiences would help me feel somewhat better.
Finally feeling brave enough to write this. I (21 f) have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend (20 f) for five years, and the first 2-3 years were great. We’re both young, enjoyed the same things, and made each other laugh all the time. We met up about twice a year at each other’s houses. However once she entered college the slow downward spiral began. I’m trying to work out the timeline in my head so please bear with me.
Before things started getting worse, there were just little things that I did not favor about our interactions. I’m definitely the more talkative one of us two, as she is very quiet as well as timid around other people. But I always had this feeling of her not truly caring - or maybe not just caring as much as I wanted or expected her to - about things I did. For example, we’re both equestrians and have our own horses. She would share pictures and videos of her horse, details about her rides, etc. etc. and I was always excited to hear about it and chat about her horse. However, whenever I did the same thing, I was rarely met with more than a couple words. Sometimes, just ignored altogether. This hurt as I expected her to reciprocate my enthusiasm, but thought, okay, I can understand not being as interested as someone else’s horse.
After some time I finally brought it up with her about how I felt like she didn’t really care when I told her about my horse along with other things I did. To be honest, I cannot remember her response exactly because we had the same discussion maybe five times with barely any change made on her part. I eventually let it go and just… didn’t talk so much about what I did in my life.
More problems arose when she began saying she felt left out because I didn’t tell her things, like when I went somewhere, or what I was doing at the time. I rebutted with something along the lines of “well, it just feels like you’re not very interested in it when I talk about it”. Now you might be saying, maybe just doesn’t know how to respond but still wants to stay up to date. I would agree, but unfortunately it took me a while to get that hammered into my brain. Another thing that stopped me was how clingy she got whenever I went somewhere. She HATED it when I went anywhere or did anything with another person, or even just texted them. Now, I only have one friend, and she moved a little while ago. The only other people I ever hang out with are one of my sisters and my mom. My sister often invites me over to her and her husband's place to play board games or just hang out. Every time I did this Chloe would text me saying how upset she was that I was gone. I was always scared to accept invitations to go anywhere because I didn’t want to upset her. She even did so on my 21st birthday when I had my party at my sister’s. I just felt guilty for going anywhere even if it was just grocery shopping.
I understand her feelings. I feel sad when she’s gone for a while too, but I always know she’ll be back. I want her to have a life, to spend time with other people, to go do things that make her happy even if they don’t always involve me. I also know it wouldn’t be so painful if we could see each other in person more often. She felt like it wasn’t fair that these people got to see me all the time while she didn’t. Believe me, at the time, I wanted nothing more than to move and get an apartment with her. But I just couldn’t. I’m doing online college, I live with my parents, I’m saving up to move out, and it’s the same situation for her. I’m not financially able to “fly the coop” yet (you can make fun of me for that since I’m 21, whatever).
As mentioned previously, our relationship got rocky once she entered college shortly after I did. She has a couple learning disabilities that made her studies more difficult and thus added onto her stress. It didn’t help that she was in a pre-vet program, one that involves a lot of math, reading, and writing. But it was what she really wanted to do because she was so passionate about animals that I of course supported her on it.
The stress, combined with missing me and her horse not doing well at the time, began weighing her down more and more and she started showing signs of depression. I only know what these signs were because I have clinical anxiety and depression myself and have been on medication since middle school. She got worse and worse and I had been gently suggesting she should try going on meds and seeing a therapist. There wasn’t really a super delicate way to suggest such a thing so she understandably didn’t take it well. I also didn’t want to assume that I knew what was wrong, or like I was trying to diagnose her. Regardless, she finally went on meds after a while and they seemed to help a bit. That “bit” unfortunately did not last long. She began regressing in the form of self-harm. She would tell me whenever she did so, and sometimes send me photos. This was extremely triggering for me (and she knew my past with depression). Do I tell her to stop telling me and risk her thinking I don’t care? Or do I not tell her and risk falling back into my own hole? What’s even worse is it felt like she hit this low, it was after we had an argument or after I was quiet for a while. Granted it didn’t happen every single time, but it always seemed to be paired with one of these two things. This made (and still makes) me feel guilty, like I was the one causing it. I still feel like that. It did end up causing me to go downhill in ways I don’t want to think about right now.
Jumping back a bit to when she began regressing. I don’t want to paint myself as perfect here. Far from it, actually. I try to be patient and diplomatic most of the time, but I can be forgetful, sometimes come off as blunt, and say things that come off the wrong way. But everything I’ve ever done that made her upset, I apologized for. Even if I didn’t think it warranted an apology, I gave one. I never wanted to hurt her. Her negative emotions manifested in ways that, to put it simple, made it seem like she hated me. She would use combative language, call me names, show little to no interest in anything I said, and tell me outright that she did not care about certain things I did. I could not have a text or call conversation where she did not sound tense or argumentative. The way she spoke to me made me feel like I was an idiot. I would ask questions like - what are you doing? Etc. - and she would make me guess the answer. It just felt incredibly demeaning and I found myself constantly second guessing myself and almost feeling fearful of talking to her. Have I tried telling her all of this? Sort of, in tiny bits and pieces. Whenever I express that she has hurt me, she in turn either gets defensive or upset and suddenly I don’t want to talk about my own feelings because she’s crying, going on about what a horrible person she is. I don’t say anything anymore. I think I’m just used to it.
She wants me to talk to her, but makes me feel like **** when we do, thus I don’t want to. She wants me to tell her everything I do, but that makes her more upset because she feels left out. It feels like I can’t do anything right. I feel like all I’ve done is give. I feel like an emotional punching-bag. I feel controlled, drained. But I don’t want to leave because of the few times when things are good. There’s more, but I don’t think I can quite stomach remembering all of it right now. This has already been pretty personal. Part of me also believes this is my fault. If you asked her, she’d probably say it is.
Last night as of writing this, she said some things that made me just want to cut it off then and there. I just said I did not want to talk to her. She began calling me repeatedly, and I started to have a panic attack because I couldn’t figure out how to mute her messages. Every time I opened a window, the call popped up. I told her repeatedly to leave me alone. I finally just blocked her and went to bed. I woke up this morning with maybe 50+ missed calls and frantic - some demeaning - texts on various platforms. More photos of self-harm. I regret not just talking to her about it and picking up the phone. I tried calling her but it appeared her phone was off. She finally messaged me a couple hours before I began writing this. I called her and was answered with screaming. I heard her father come in, she was hurting herself, and I couldn’t handle listening to it, so I hung up. I regretted that and called again, and her sister picked up. She said they were monitoring her. I’m trying to call her now and she won’t pick up.
I feel sick. I wish I had known what to do better in the past. Maybe there was nothing more to do. Maybe this whole relationship was a mistake. We met on an online horse game. I just didn’t expect it to go like this. She doesn’t want me to take time away because she thinks that will make it work. I think we need a break, I feel like we just make each other worse and not better. Just don’t want to cause each other any more pain. Feel like I was basically emotionally abused for the past two years, but that also feels extreme to say. I don’t know anymore. Writing this down… sort of feels good? Nothing feels good right now.
I just want her to be okay. I want things to go back to how they were. Part of me wants nothing more to do with her. But I can’t stop myself from caring. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her, despite everything. I also just don’t want my mom and my best friend to have to hear about this any more. Feeling regretful, stupid. Wish I could control her actions. She’s been there for me at some of my lowest points. My mom says I’m partially responsible for enabling her, not giving her enough consequences for when she hurt me. I think she’s right. Maybe a lot of this could’ve been avoided if I was more upfront and honest. I don’t know anymore. She thinks she just needs me, not medication or therapy. I can’t be that for her. She can’t depend on me as much as she does. It’s not healthy.
OK I really hope that this reply gets through, because I will warn you now that this thread is very likely to get locked, possibly deleted, on grounds of "blogging"... If that happens, please please PLEASE do not feel hurt or take it personally. Our mods have a tough job to do, and you are not making a clear request for relationship advice. They just have to make calls based on the rules of the board sometimes.
But your story is valuable to share and I am very glad you reached out. DM me any time if you need to talk. We all need to reach out and connect sometimes, especially when things are confusing.
I have been where you are with a partner who had similar behaviors. I don't want to get all into my situation, but because I have a lot more years behind me and the clarity of a number of years away from this person, I feel qualified to tell you some truths here. (And may I also say that as someone who has kids about your age, you are very self aware. More so than I was then!)
Your girlfriend has mental illness that you cannot meaningfully cure. It has resulted in behavior that IS abusive. Not kinda, not borderline abusive...it's abuse. Almost no abuser in this world is bad all of the time. Abused people often latch onto the good times and good feelings that do sometimes come about, when questioning if they are even in abusive relationships. And in emotional abuse situations it is often the case where you'll get so confused and manipulated that you will wonder if YOU are the abusive one.
You are not.
Their unwell state causes them to feel a need to be isolating, controlling and manipulative, whenever they feel insecure. This isn't your fault. This isn't your job to fix. She needs help, and it is not you. NONE of her self harm is your fault in any way, shape or form, ever. Not in the past, present or future. Please make that a solid fact in your head and free yourself from that guilt. There are people in this world who will try to hold you hostage with threats against themselves. Playing that game is negotiating with a terrorist. Helping them is way above your pay-grade. The only result if you continue this relationship is more harm to you, not healing or help for her. I swear, I promise, this is the truth.
Isolating you from others is abuse.
Demanding to know where you are at all times, and trying to exert manipulative control over your activities is abuse.
Splashing photos of self harm in your face when she feels like her control of you is slipping, is abuse.
Even expecting you to be very invested in the details of her life, while only offering a grey, silent blank response to yours...has the end result of devaluing your presence in the relationship as a whole person, reforming you into an accessory to her, and it ends up being part of...abuse.
You need to end this relationship. You need to go no contact with this person.
If you feel worried about her self harm, please go look up mental health resources, hotlines, whatever in her area and send an email or message to her and all of her family members you are able to contact, with this information.
Tell them that you wish her the best and hope that she gets the help that she needs, but that it is harmful to you to continue in this relationship. Here are resources that may help.
You have a RIGHT for your mental, emotional health and wellbeing to MATTER. You cannot rescue your girlfriend. I'm serious, you cannot. But you can and must rescue yourself. Also, please bear in mind that if you continue to be involved with someone like this, she cannot get better. Because she has to learn a hard truth, that the abusive behavior will not force others to stay with her...by tolerating it, you tread into the realm of enabling and codependency. Where wanting to help...is actually doing the opposite, and destructive to you at the same time. There are no "giving enough consequences" to stop enabling a person who is like this, the only consequence that has meaning is to take yourself away from such a person. Once they have engaged in manipulative and abusive behaviors with you, they are not going to completely change or stop doing it. She will need to heal, which will take a lot of time, and maybe one day she'll be capable of a healthy relationship, but I do not believe that it can be with you. Also, the longer you do this dance with her, the more you are programming YOUR psychology to believe that your value lies in management of unwell and abusive sorts of people, and you are reinforcing and building wiring that supports future codependency...you need to put a stop to that. Right now. You are a whole and beautiful human being who deserves loving and healthy relationships where there is space for your entire person to thrive.
This is a message that I needed to hear at a much younger point in my life, but no one was there to say it to me. I am saying it to you now.
I agree with everything Sonic Spork has said. You are so incredibly young. You are basically at Point A in your life. Your life is absolutely just beginning. There is so much life ahead of you. You have an opportunity to change course, start fresh, develop healthier habits, and basically completely change the course of your life.
There are so many resources now, and so much helpful information. I recommend therapy, and reading and watching videos on YouTube about abuse and mental health. I got tangled up with narcissists, manipulators and toxic types in my early twenties, but there was no YouTube or social media. No one was discussing any of these things back then, and there was little access to helpful information. I wasted a lot of time, and chipped away at my self-esteem and self-worth by spending time with them.
I wish you good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
For some reason, I'm not able to PM any of you, but I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read my post and offering words of advice. I realize what I wrote is beyond the realm of what an internet form could help with, but I somehow felt compelled to post this somewhere. I'm probably going to delete this thread... as soon as I can figure out how to...
For some reason, I'm not able to PM any of you, but I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to read my post and offering words of advice. I realize what I wrote is beyond the realm of what an internet form could help with, but I somehow felt compelled to post this somewhere. I'm probably going to delete this thread... as soon as I can figure out how to...
OP, I hope you can step back and see what an incredibly limiting barrier this relationship is placing on you. You are young and should be out exploring the world, having adventures and receiving physical (not long-distance) love.
I fear you will regret all the time you wasted on this very difficult and draining relationship. Time's passing, you will never get it back.
I'm sorry. She sounds like bad news. It appears you guys aren't right for each other. What stood out to me the most, though I'm at work on a lunch right now so I was only able to skim the post, was that she didn't want you to hang out with anyone else, basically being very insecure. It just seems like there's a few red flags here. I would cut ties with her and move on. It may be painful at first, but I really feel that going back to her will cause you more misery in the long-run. Best wishes.
Who is having suicidal thoughts? You, her or both?
You formed an attachment for a long time. It is not going away overnight in your heart, but yes this is not anything but toxic and emotionally abusive. It will take some time to unravel.
For your safety, you need to go no contact. You cannot fix her and you should not try. That is her task. If she gets help professionally that would be the best, and her family will be responsible for that, not you.
She cannot tell you what to do, who to see, or threaten self harm.
It has been 5 years and you are only 21. You went into it naive and she has stunted you down to her level, made you less.
Never stay with anyone who makes you lesser and weaker.
Honestly, she does not care about your happiness to tell you not to see anyone. She’d rather you were isolated and alienated, doesn't want you to feel good if she feels bad.
How is that love? It is not. It is control. Maybe jealousy and envy. It is treating you like a possession, which is bizarrely objectifying, and apparently you have no needs but to administer to her needs.
How is that caring at all?
Nobody can have a healthy involvement with her.
I think it can only get worse for you the longer you stay.
Just skimmed this thread and from what I gather this is far beyond what an internet chat type forum can do to be productive.
OP needs to go help some real professional help.
This ^ .
OP, please use the blog feature. And please take care of yourself. We do wish you the best.
The thread is now closed.
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