What is up with the people of Minot? (Fargo, Bismarck: transplants, cliquey)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My spouse and I recently moved to Minot for a job opportunity fully intending to make a life here permanently. We don't know anyone here, so my plan was to get really involved with the community to try to make friends. It's been a few month now and I have to say I'm feeling pretty discouraged.
We are Midwesterners and I guess I was expecting people here to still have that Midwestern friendliness despite being further north. Instead we've been shocked by how unwelcoming people are. I don't get it. We are nice, polite, friendly, down to earth people. My husband especially is someone who makes friends wherever he goes. He thinks it might be related to the fact that he is not white, but I am white and I feel the same coldness from people when I'm by myself.
I noticed a lot of men here seem to think it's okay to just not respond to someone when greeted or use the traditional basic phrases of "please", "thank you" or "excuse me". I work in a customer service related profession and the rudeness from the menfolk here is really starting to get to me. They always seem angry about something.
The women are a little better. They will talk to you (sometimes forever) but only about themselves. I don't think I've ever been asked a question about myself. There just seems to be no interest in newcomers.
I went to an event for people in my particular profession here one night. It was a relatively small group of people, all pretty well-established here and who knew each other quite well. I did my best to try to chat with everyone but instead of welcoming me, they did this junior high school style catty routine, making slightly snide remarks to me and pointedly leaving me out of things. It was pretty hurtful, to be honest.
I'm actually to the point I've pretty much given up on trying to integrate myself here. I don't bother to try to shop local anymore even - something I had originally committed myself to doing.
Does anybody have an explanation for the unfriendliness of people here? I noticed that when I do meet a nice person in Minot they are always from somewhere else, which leads me to believe its a cultural thing peculiar to people who grew up here.
Wow, that really surprises me. I suppose it's possible that some natives might shy away from newcomers because so many move there for a short time and leave (Air Force Base, oil field) so friendships are cut short. But honestly, one of the friendliest cities I've lived in was San Angelo, TX, and it has a sizable Air Force Base. In fact, I was in the the Air Force at the time. Of course most of my friends were fellow airmen, but my wife worked at a bank, and we made several friends through it.
The easiest way to make friends is usually at your place of employment, unless you don't work with many people. Also, those in related fields, but it sounds like that "event" was pretty unfriendly.
Did you buy a home or are you renting? I ask because I know some consider all renters as "visitors" -- those who won't be staying in the community for long. I know that sounds bad, but true friendships take awhile to build, and some probably figure it's not worth befriending those who won't be around long enough to form a close friendship.
(I'm just throwing out ideas, kind of a free-forming thought process here.)
When I moved to Wyoming 47 years ago as a young semi-professional, I joined the local Jaycees, Chamber of Commerce and Rotary Club. I had all the friends I ever wanted. Before long I was on countless boards, nearly a nightly thing. I got burned out after a decade and quit most of them, but I certainly got to know lots of people. Hmmm... do you golf or have any hobbies that would help introduce yourselves to others -- fishing, quilting, bowling, softball, photography, art, dance, etc., etc.? I took a fly-tying course through our local rec center once and not only enjoyed learning to ty flies but also enjoyed the camaraderie with fellow fishermen.
I'm stumped with the rudeness you've experienced. I can't figure that one out. Do you have a lot of tats or piercings that would set you apart?
Good luck. I hope things turn around soon for you.
My spouse and I recently moved to Minot for a job opportunity fully intending to make a life here permanently. We don't know anyone here, so my plan was to get really involved with the community to try to make friends. It's been a few month now and I have to say I'm feeling pretty discouraged.
We are Midwesterners and I guess I was expecting people here to still have that Midwestern friendliness despite being further north. Instead we've been shocked by how unwelcoming people are. I don't get it. We are nice, polite, friendly, down to earth people. My husband especially is someone who makes friends wherever he goes. He thinks it might be related to the fact that he is not white, but I am white and I feel the same coldness from people when I'm by myself.
I noticed a lot of men here seem to think it's okay to just not respond to someone when greeted or use the traditional basic phrases of "please", "thank you" or "excuse me". I work in a customer service related profession and the rudeness from the menfolk here is really starting to get to me. They always seem angry about something.
The women are a little better. They will talk to you (sometimes forever) but only about themselves. I don't think I've ever been asked a question about myself. There just seems to be no interest in newcomers.
I went to an event for people in my particular profession here one night. It was a relatively small group of people, all pretty well-established here and who knew each other quite well. I did my best to try to chat with everyone but instead of welcoming me, they did this junior high school style catty routine, making slightly snide remarks to me and pointedly leaving me out of things. It was pretty hurtful, to be honest.
I'm actually to the point I've pretty much given up on trying to integrate myself here. I don't bother to try to shop local anymore even - something I had originally committed myself to doing.
Does anybody have an explanation for the unfriendliness of people here? I noticed that when I do meet a nice person in Minot they are always from somewhere else, which leads me to believe its a cultural thing peculiar to people who grew up here.
I've run into polite people everywhere in North Dakota. While there are jerks everywhere I think they are in short supply in North Dakota. How long have you been in the state? It takes years to meet people anywhere.
We are renters - though I don't know how anyone but maybe our neighbors could possibly know that.
Nope, no piercings or tattoos. I'm pretty normal looking, not that unusual looks are any kind of excuse to be rude to a person.
I did try to get involved in things when I first got here but the reception we got was so disheartening I've given up. My husband tried volunteering with a local sports organization and they pretty much blew him off when he showed up to help.
We've been here a few months and yes, it does take time to make friends everywhere but it's usually not too hard to start building up friendly acquaintanceships. I don't know about the rest of the state but here there's very much a "outsiders not welcome" vibe from people.
As far as jerks, the first night we got here, someone deliberately tried to hit me with their car when I was crossing the street at a crosswalk, with the light. I've just never lived in such a hostile place before.
We are renters - though I don't know how anyone but maybe our neighbors could possibly know that.
Nope, no piercings or tattoos. I'm pretty normal looking, not that unusual looks are any kind of excuse to be rude to a person.
I did try to get involved in things when I first got here but the reception we got was so disheartening I've given up. My husband tried volunteering with a local sports organization and they pretty much blew him off when he showed up to help.
We've been here a few months and yes, it does take time to make friends everywhere but it's usually not too hard to start building up friendly acquaintanceships. I don't know about the rest of the state but here there's very much a "outsiders not welcome" vibe from people.
As far as jerks, the first night we got here, someone deliberately tried to hit me with their car when I was crossing the street at a crosswalk, with the light. I've just never lived in such a hostile place before.
This all sounds so uncharacteristic of North Dakotans. Sorry you're experiencing this.
This doesn't surprise me whatsoever.
29 years after moving to ND, I am still patronisingly told, "Well, you're not from here, after all."
This is indeed an Upper Midwest thing. There's a saying for Minnesotans "They'll give you directions to anywhere, just not their own front door." Minnesota Public Radio did a series some years back on the Outsiders--what's like to relocate to MN. Large corporate employers had issues with staff turnover because of the difficulty of almost all newcomers to make friends. I think it's even more the case in ND because there are fewer outsiders and it is more insular.
Try to find other transplants. The academic, medical, and military communities are the most likely sources. They are just as likely to be seeking someone like you as you are seeking them.
How is it I have not experienced any issues with people questioning me not being from here? While I haven't made many friends, I accept that as life these days. People like to go back to their hometowns and fall right back in with the old high school crowd. Then they have kids and their lives revolve around them. That's just about everywhere.l
Your experiences are quite similar to what is often described as "Minnesota Nice", "Minnesota Ice" and "Seattle Freeze" which newcomers discover when moving to the Upper-Midwest/Northern Plains or as leaders in Minnesota are attempting re-brand it the "Bold North".
The original poster should do a web search on Minnesota Nice and Minnesota Ice. There are some good threads talking about this topic over on the Minnesota forum and the Minneapolis forum along with the Seattle forum. I would also agree with the poster who suggested the series of MPR radio reports on "The Outsiders" about fortune 500 companies recruiting talent to Minnesota for them to leave soon due to receiving the cold shoulder and making zero friends.
If you do a Google search on "Why I left Minnesota", or a similar search, there are a number of blogs, websites etc where newcomers have cited their reason for leaving good careers in the Twin Cities as being their being unable to make friends and their children's inability to make friends. The saying goes, where do you go in Minnesota and the Dakota's to make friends?.... Kindergarten.
The vast majority of residents in this part of the nation have lived here their entire lives, so have their parents/grandparents and maybe one or twice traveled to Billings, MT or Minneapolis, MN for business. They are family orientated, grown-up with the same friends, and don't have a lot of time for new friends.
North Dakota is a farming, ranching, and oil state, which encompasses time consuming, hard physical labor. In addition, with long brutally cold winters in Minnesota and the Dakota's, it's very difficult to get out and socialize. So far, this has been a warm and mild autumn.
North Dakota has changed I feel. It has become a rather hard-edged state, and the men tend put on this hyper-masculine front which is very obnoxious. That's probably why many of the men do not say hello back. They think being polite is un-masculine. North Dakota towns are very insular and cliquey. There is major pressure to conform. I would say the only places that are more welcoming are the university towns like Fargo and Grand Forks, especially Fargo (GF can be strange). People there are a bit more broad-minded and they've tended to travel more or live in other parts of the country compared to people in Bismarck, Minot, or in the small towns. I would try to see if there are any events/activities at Minot State. Again, maybe it's just me, but I find the university crowd to be much nicer, open, polite, and welcoming.
Here are some of the slightly sinister reasons for the cliquey and unfriendly behavior in the Dakotas and neighboring states-
* generational dysfunction- the locals don't take kindly to being put on the spot about unacceptable behaviors, like alcoholism, domestic violence and child abuse. Many a local here has confided in me about incest and violence at home that was never dealt with properly because no one wanted to be the reason that their family member ended up incarcerated for the crimes. The tendency is to blame the victim and mud-sling to cover up the shame. Much to my disgust I had some business dealings with a man who abused his own kids in unacceptable ways and he actually seemed pretty self-satisfied that he had gotten away with all of it. His kids relocated out of state so they don't have to be reminded of the family colluding to cover all that up. Guess who gets trash talked at family get togethers? "Those ungrateful kids." HA
* the myth of the "bootstrap" man is a big thing here but in reality a lot of wealthy people in these rural areas either inherited their land/assets OR had seed money available to them to start their own businesses & piggyback off of the success of their grandparents and great-grandparents. It's easy to feel superior to outsiders when you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.
* A lot of these farmers "hate taxes" but love farm subsidy payments. Go figure.
* In general small town people get self-conscious about being made to feel "less smart." I'm bilingual and well-educated so I have had so many awkward moments at work where people either assume I cut corners to get my job, or assume I am "talking about them" because I'm having a conversation in a foreign language. In general you cannot maintain a social relationship or a friendship with people who are not on your level. That is just a rule of life.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
