I'm burning out and need advice (smart, son, classes, hubby)
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calgirlinnc, you’re right. She is not mediocre, her grades are. I honestly need to change my outlook and stop comparing what “I did when I was her age” to what she is going through now. We are a family of engineers, pilots and high achieving college graduates so it’s hard to accept the fact that my child doesn’t make straight A’s. She has many positive attributes and loves to read so I indulge her by shopping for books whenever she wants new ones. She's won awards for reading so focusing on her positive attributes and not her shortcomings will help.
Good for you, and for trying new strategies. You are saving both of you from a lot of heartache. You obviously can’t continue as you have been. Everything about school is more difficult for her than it was for you, remember that. Adjust your expectations and life will improve.
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Originally Posted by germaine2626
I also come from a family of high achievers. But, we all have been pretty "hands off" with our children's education (besides from having them attend highly ranked schools, providing enrichment activities and setting good examples of time management).
Everyone has a different path. In my family, for every relative who had straight As in school and extremely high academic achievement (such as high school valedictorian or Phi Beta Kappa) another of the relatives had a rockier path or been a "late bloomer".
One relative said that the best thing that ever happened to him in high school was flunking a required class as a sophomore. He then realized that to meet his goal of being a scientist he needed to take school seriously. Wow, what a change. He now has a Ph.D. in microbiology and numerous published research papers. He even was awarded several honors as the top student in the entire University.
His cousin, [i]literally[i] flunked out of high school. But, quickly realized that he couldn't get a decent job. He got his GED and a technical degree from a trade school. But after a few years in the trades realized that he wanted more to life. He started college and was of the top students in the engineering program. From straight Fs in HS at age 16 to straight A's in college from age 22 to 26 certainly is a different path. He is now the executive vice president and co-owner of an engineering firm.
Every child is different. It appears that you may be too involved with your child's education and pushing her too hard. Just something to consider.
This is a good post.
Amongst my family’s children, it is almost universal that one of the nieces/nephews is a high academic achiever and one is not. One makes straight A’s and the other doesn’t care. I see this amongst my friend’s kids as well.
The one who is academically high achieving, it is innate. You can’t stop them. And the ones who don’t care, you can’t do anything to make them care.
It can be hard for parents who were high academic achievers, to have a child who doesn’t care about school, grades and tests.
But as you say, there are many paths to success.
I had to learn, the hard way, that I’d rather have a child who is happy and alive and thriving, than a kid who is miserable and depressed because of school. This is true at any grade level, but can become critical when they are teenagers.
Last edited by calgirlinnc; 09-17-2021 at 01:01 PM..
Any advice on how to help my child help herself before we both burn out? What should I do?
Start her on a low carb diet with no stimulants. No soda, no bread etc..Multiple studies have shown that removing sugary stimulants (yeah, your body converts bread into sugar) from a childs diet increases a their ability's to focus for long periods of time. Children with ADHD are doubly impacted by high carb diets than those without ADHD.
The ages 12-15 with my oldest (now 18) were "difficult" in the way you generally describe ("why doesn't she study? why does she reject tutors? why she doesn't care? why is her writing like chicken scribbles so she cannot, herself, understand? why is she lazy? why is her room like an explosion?" etc.)
- on top of that she didn't have social or physical outlets (moving and changing schools, she found it hard each time to make friends, no inclination for something like dancing), - so you are already lucky.
Now, looking back, I realize that it was difficult time for me because it was ME who had to go through "the changes", not so much my daughter. She kept being her, going through what is in the job description of every teenager. I, on the other hand, had to make a change from the all-encompassing control that had become so familiar to me, to exactly the realization that her life is her life, her path is her path, and my vision of her future may be not her future at all.
Backing away from the everyday minutae of her life has been good. She has managed to have good grades (I think that teachers are perfectly aware that the building-full of people suddenly become "lazy" at that age, so they are being gentle). She manages to make new friends/acquaintances. She is planning to go to a college, not a university like I thought, because she wants to start working sooner. She chose IT, because it's our family's tradition. I am apprehensive: she has been drawing since 2 yo, her artistic side is strong. Will she really succeed in the IT world? I don't know. It's up to her to try, - and it's up to me to not be in the way.
I have a friend who's son is an excellent student at the same school and he may be willing to do homework with her. He's a straight A student and is usually on top of his assignments so unless he's done with homework before we get home, it may work.
Thanks for the idea!!
Social groups can be one key motivators for kids. She may feel she has to get her act together or feel “left out”.
Good for you, and for trying new strategies. You are saving both of you from a lot of heartache. You obviously can’t continue as you have been. Everything about school is more difficult for her than it was for you, remember that. Adjust your expectations and life will improve.
This is a good post.
Amongst my family’s children, it is almost universal that one of the nieces/nephews is a high academic achiever and one is not. One makes straight A’s and the other doesn’t care. I see this amongst my friend’s kids as well.
The one who is academically high achieving, it is innate. You can’t stop them. And the ones who don’t care, you can’t do anything to make them care.
It can be hard for parents who were high academic achievers, to have a child who doesn’t care about school, grades and tests.
But as you say, there are many paths to success.
I had to learn, the hard way, that I’d rather have a child who is happy and alive and thriving, than a kid who is miserable and depressed because of school. This is true at any grade level, but can become critical when they are teenagers.
Yeah I think people should be forced to take a class in how genetics work before they say “Let’s have a baby”
Unfortunately the vast majority of times features SKIP generations. This means your child is most likely to have more in common with your grandparents or possibly your siblings than you.
I remember telling my wife when my oldest son lost interest in school don't let frustrating school performance change your relationship with him. So many parents put so much academic pressure on their kids it can impact their relationship to parent in other areas. I had a friend that was an extreme helicopter parent, he sat with her every night to do her homework all through school. When she went to college, he did her papers for her. After college, she had no marketable skills, she found a menial job working from home which he did for her through her work portal. Now she's incapable at 30 of living without help.
I decided to relax this weekend and was surprised when my daughter came to me for a heart to heart talk about school. She asked me what options she had for attending another school which caught me off guard because she seemed as if she was really excited about this school. She said she wants better grades and thinks her current school may be too hard for her so we discussed other options for different schools in the area and I told her that it's her decision and if she wants to change schools then I'll look into it.
I also explained that if we change schools and her study habits stay the same, she might see the same results in a different building. She seemed to take my comments to heart and I didn't badger her, I simply listened and gave her my advice/opinion. One thing I love about our mother/daughter relationship is I've never lied to her and don't ever plan to, so I told her what the realities of the situation are. Being in a different school won't bother me if she's happy but she has her heart set on going to the magnet high school I attended (her choice not mine) and that may be difficult if she leaves the magnet program now. She thinks the other middle magnet school (there are 2 in our area) will have an easier curriculum but with the common core, I told her that probably won't be the case.
For now, she said she would try to make things work at the current school and I told her that if she wants my help with anything, I would help her however she needs. I let her know that SHE is the one who has to do the work, not me so I plan to take a step back to see how things go. I also let her know that I'm proud of what she's been able to accomplish so far this year and she took it upon herself to tell me that she wants her grades to improve. That really shocked me because I was under the impression that she didn't care.
So for now, she plans to try to continue on at her current school but at the end of the school year, if she feels she needs to change schools, I'll look into moving her to another school and hope for the best.
I decided to relax this weekend and was surprised when my daughter came to me for a heart to heart talk about school. She asked me what options she had for attending another school which caught me off guard because she seemed as if she was really excited about this school. She said she wants better grades and thinks her current school may be too hard for her so we discussed other options for different schools in the area and I told her that it's her decision and if she wants to change schools then I'll look into it.
I also explained that if we change schools and her study habits stay the same, she might see the same results in a different building. She seemed to take my comments to heart and I didn't badger her, I simply listened and gave her my advice/opinion. One thing I love about our mother/daughter relationship is I've never lied to her and don't ever plan to, so I told her what the realities of the situation are. Being in a different school won't bother me if she's happy but she has her heart set on going to the magnet high school I attended (her choice not mine) and that may be difficult if she leaves the magnet program now. She thinks the other middle magnet school (there are 2 in our area) will have an easier curriculum but with the common core, I told her that probably won't be the case.
For now, she said she would try to make things work at the current school and I told her that if she wants my help with anything, I would help her however she needs. I let her know that SHE is the one who has to do the work, not me so I plan to take a step back to see how things go. I also let her know that I'm proud of what she's been able to accomplish so far this year and she took it upon herself to tell me that she wants her grades to improve. That really shocked me because I was under the impression that she didn't care.
So for now, she plans to try to continue on at her current school but at the end of the school year, if she feels she needs to change schools, I'll look into moving her to another school and hope for the best.
I’m so glad for you that you and your daughter are able to discuss things in a calm manner. . Your relationship is the most important thing.
I would caution you though, as someone whose kid changed schools many times in order to find solutions, that especially if you are changing schools within the same system (IOW not changing states or switching between public/private), to not pin too much hope on that.
IMO, it is really critical that you get everything addressed through the 504. Make the school more accountable. As far as the law is concerned, your child has a disability and the school is failing to meet her needs.
Maybe brainstorm with your daughter what she needs the most that she is not currently getting. Shortened math or writing assignments? No penalties for late work? Does she need to be in a classroom with a teacher + an aide, rather than just the teacher? Does she need more reminders?
You are going to have to ask for these things. I would have a list at the annual 504 meeting of what we needed.
BTW, my son’s high school told us was that the expectation was that students would self advocate by senior year. Up until then, they realized parents would be advocating for their child. And in fact, there was a
switch senior year where my son gained the confidence to ask his teachers for alternate assignments and such. So even while you need your daughter to grow in independence and self-advocacy, don’t feel badly that she still needs you to do so for her now.
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