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I have a 13 y/o son that has High functioning ASD (autism spectrum disorder). I have noticed over the years that me and him have no relationship. It breaks my hurt but I am literally to the point of throwing my hands up.
Ever since he was a child, I have always tried bonding with him . Through the years, I have coached his basketball teams, take him fishing, bike rides, played video games with him, and try doing things he was interested in . He has a deep desire for video games and although I do monitor it. He seems to only have interest that. You name it , I have tried it. Ive taken him to Florida , even offered to take him to Universal Studios , just me and him . He declined.
Anytime I would try teaching him a skill or even a life skill. He never had any interest in even trying to listen to any wisdom. He basically would ignore it. It was so frustrating at times.
He is always detached from our family(wife,daughter, and I) at dinner. Barely sits at the table before he goes back in his room. When I ask him how his day went. He usually just says fine or nothing. He has no friends outside school. We had tons of kids in our old neighborhood and he never got along with them. It reached a point where he none left.
We just recently moved and two days after moving in. We had a group of kids come to the door and invite him out . He went over to play, and I met their parents. Everything was great.. Within a week. He already said that he was not interested in playing with them anymore.
So we are back to square one with that.
My 2 year old daughter is completely fine . We have a great relationship and I have a bond with her. I feel like I took the same approach with her as I did with him (she is not ASD). He usually will become somewhat social right before bed and thats it.
He has been like this ever since he was a child and its reached a point where I am beginning not to care?? As sad as it sounds.
So you realize social skills deficits are part of autism? You just described his autism but you didn't describe any positives your son displays. My son is also HFA but he is also great with computers, loves animals,, and is an excellent reader.. He has many wonderful qualities just not the best social skills. He has trouble regulating his emotions but that is after all part of the diagnostic criteria. You have to learn to focus on the positive not the negative. Also I have found telling my son we are doing something rather than asking works better. He typically enjoys it once we are out but he'd never leave the house if it were up to him.
Does he talk to kids online? My son is 16 with similar issues and even though he doesn't have in person friends he does talk to people online. I hate it and want him to have real friends but unfortunately this is how Gen Z 'ers socialize. Its really sad in my opinion.
One hobby I suggest doing with him is hiking. It seems to work with getting my boys out of the house and spending some father/son time together. Though I'm not sure you live in a place where that may be easily accessible.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, and it sounds like you are trying, but are in over your head. Your son is a teenager now, and that is hard enough, without autism.
Is your son in any programs to deal with his handicap? Are you and your wife able to find a group of parents of kids with autism, to have support and share coping strategies?
I have not dealt with autism, but if I had a child who was spending too much time in his room on video games, I would severely restrict it, or use it as an earned reward.
So you realize social skills deficits are part of autism? You just described his autism but you didn't describe any positives your son displays. My son is also HFA but he is also great with computers, loves animals,, and is an excellent reader.. He has many wonderful qualities just not the best social skills. He has trouble regulating his emotions but that is after all part of the diagnostic criteria. You have to learn to focus on the positive not the negative. Also I have found telling my son we are doing something rather than asking works better. He typically enjoys it once we are out but he'd never leave the house if it were up to him.
I guess I did not mention that. We had a rough year last year from 12-13 with his emotional regulation. I had him in therapy and counseling. He does not read . My wife and I have purchased him hundreds of books over the years. He never would read them. I would sit down and read to him and then try to have him read a page. He would usually decline to do so. He was into Legos a lot as well. We would buy him the sets, but he would never build them. my wife and I would always have to sit there for hours to build the lego sets for him.
Some positives would be that he is good at games? and the computer? He usually does what he is told... He has also gotten better with regulating his emotions.
We usually have problems when we tell him we are doing something as a family and he has small meltdowns and does not want to go unless I threaten to ban the games.
I agree, once we get past the emotional meltdown of wanting to go to a family activity, he snaps out of it and looks like he enjoys it.
I had some issues with him and my older brother who is a very negative, miserable person. He also suffers from BPD or Bipolar (he wont get help)....I noticed my son was starting to lean towards him for advice and I had to cut it off after a family altercation with my brother. Even his therapist recommended that I do not let him close to him.
Does he talk to kids online? My son is 16 with similar issues and even though he doesn't have in person friends he does talk to people online. I hate it and want him to have real friends but unfortunately this is how Gen Z 'ers socialize. Its really sad in my opinion.
One hobby I suggest doing with him is hiking. It seems to work with getting my boys out of the house and spending some father/son time together. Though I'm not sure you live in a place where that may be easily accessible.
He does talk online. I have no clue with who. I have monitored it the best I could over the years and we had our ups and downs with him doing things he was not suppose to . I want my son to at least have one friend as well.
I took the family to colorado(for christmas) in 2019 to do some Hiking . We had the mountains in the back. We tried getting him to go and hike up to the top and he briefly did it for a bit but went back inside with grandma. Me and him did make a nice snowman that day though.
We do live in the hill country area of Texas , so theres places to hike. I suppose I can try it again and see if he is willing to go. My wife just found a nice spot.
He claimed the other day that when he is at school . He is a "extrovert" however when he gets home . He is a introvert and does not want to me bothered
I am sorry you are dealing with this, and it sounds like you are trying, but are in over your head. Your son is a teenager now, and that is hard enough, without autism.
Is your son in any programs to deal with his handicap? Are you and your wife able to find a group of parents of kids with autism, to have support and share coping strategies?
I have not dealt with autism, but if I had a child who was spending too much time in his room on video games, I would severely restrict it, or use it as an earned reward.
Yes, he is suppose to be starting a group with other kids. However he is not completely handicap. He is quite functional . You would not even think he had it if you met him for 5 minutes.
I had him on a strict schedule of when he could play with breaks. However, when he would get off. He would just be so hyperactive and walk around the house looking for trouble. He would annoy his sister, then he would be bouncing around aimlessly not wanting to go outside. He would also put her in situations where she could possibly get hurt. (she is 2)
One time I reached a point where I just need a break from him and I told him to go outside and locked the doors. I told him to go for a walk and come back in 30 minutes.
I reached a point where I told him. If he is holding his grades up, and involved in a sport or activity, then he can play as much as he wanted on the weekends. It was just far too stressful to completely stay on him . My 2 year old was much easier to handle.
I guess I did not mention that. We had a rough year last year from 12-13 with his emotional regulation. I had him in therapy and counseling. He does not read . My wife and I have purchased him hundreds of books over the years. He never would read them. I would sit down and read to him and then try to have him read a page. He would usually decline to do so. He was into Legos a lot as well. We would buy him the sets, but he would never build them. my wife and I would always have to sit there for hours to build the lego sets for him.
Some positives would be that he is good at games? and the computer? He usually does what he is told... He has also gotten better with regulating his emotions.
We usually have problems when we tell him we are doing something as a family and he has small meltdowns and does not want to go unless I threaten to ban the games.
I agree, once we get past the emotional meltdown of wanting to go to a family activity, he snaps out of it and looks like he enjoys it.
I had some issues with him and my older brother who is a very negative, miserable person. He also suffers from BPD or Bipolar (he wont get help)....I noticed my son was starting to lean towards him for advice and I had to cut it off after a family altercation with my brother. Even his therapist recommended that I do not let him close to him.
I can see your dilemma. Maybe he could have some kind of meaningful career involving computer games. I think you are trying really hard, and need to just ride it out. Teens are hard.
I have a nephew who was always socially awkward. As an adult, he self diagnosed with Aspergers. He is still socially awkward, has never had a girlfriend, but he sailed through a top engineering school and has a job and a house. He also spends a lot of time on computer games.
I can see your dilemma. Maybe he could have some kind of meaningful career involving computer games. I think you are trying really hard, and need to just ride it out. Teens are hard.
I have a nephew who was always socially awkward. As an adult, he self diagnosed with Aspergers. He is still socially awkward, has never had a girlfriend, but he sailed through a top engineering school and has a job and a house. He also spends a lot of time on computer games.
Yes, he says he wants to be a cop. I am unsure if they would allow him, but I dont want to crush his dreams. My wife and I always tried, but realized that sometimes he is not even grateful for all we do for him. Maybe one day he will see it. I certainly make sure I can do the best I can. We just hope he can be self reliant when he is older and survive this crazy world.
Hang in there. I also have a high functioning ASD son that sounds a lot like yours. And my husband sounds a lot like you regarding their relationship.
My son is 17. A couple of years ago, I decided to stop worrying and start appreciating his strengths. We let him enter video game tournaments and volunteer at a video game store. Here he found his tribe! He has been so much happier now that we don't fight him on what he likes and who he is. It's still a struggle when we want him to do things with us but I talk to him about why family time is important and try to work with him on our plans and make compromises. His brain works differently than ours and that is just the way it is. I can't change him, but can help him to navigate, and maybe even appreciate the typical world.
I won't lie, this has been a lot of work, but... so worth it. I still don't have much in common with my boy, but we are as close as can be. He knows he can talk to me about anything and I won't judge.
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