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First time with an issue in this forum and I'm looking for some advice.
I've got what seems to me, a complicated situation with my 15 y.o. daughter. Let's call her "A". She's in a small private STEM-focused school and is doing quite well academically. Her best friend, "B", moved to another school last year and they've kept in touch, mostly via calls, chats and online video gaming. They're close but actually getting together regularly has been complicated by the WuFlu over the past year.
I don't restrict A's online activities, nor do I overly monitor her communications with friends. I trust her and she's never given me reason for concern. She's mature and I see her make good choices. I do however, periodically check chats on her phone when I take it to do app installs or backups. It's all been pretty boring until now. A few days ago, I read a chat she had with B which while it did not particularly concern me, did catch my attention.
A: "So he's cute?"
B: "Yeah, really. you should get on val where I met him." [I'm assuming val is a game or social site]
A: "I'm not interested in meeting any val guys. Aren't you just leading him on?"
B: "No, that's just how you deal with horny boys."
B's mom called me yesterday asking about a social event both girls were attending next weekend and then expressed some concerns about her daughter, B. She stressed that she didn't believe that my daughter, A, was involved but that she may know about it. She told me that B's grades had dropped slightly, and she was spending a lot of time online besides the time she spends with A. B told her parents she had met some guy online. Her parents noted that she was stopped spending time online with some other friends who we all know IRL (former classmates, all male) and B said this was because her new online friend said she shouldn't be talking to to other guys. [HUGE RED FLAG] Mom also noted that she had seen B looking at maps and saw a snippet of a conversation between her daughter and this guy with the phrase "well, maybe we could meet.." [HUGE RED FLAG]. He's reportedly in North Carolina and we're in Northern Virginia.
Last night I took my daughter's phone under the premise of updating something on it. I screenshotted the entire conversation (snippet above) and sent it off to B's mom She replied this morning thanking me and said it looks like maybe this has been going on longer than they were aware of.
From my side, I do feel bad about snooping through my daughters' communications. But she's 15. I don't want her to know I did this or shared with B's mom. I don't want the trust or dynamic between us changed. I also wouldn't want to change the dynamic between her and B to change, both for the sake of that friendship or to have B not trust my daughter to protect what is said between them if she thinks my daughter revealed it - and I don't want to potentially lose a source of intelligence on what is going on.
I certainly don't want anything to happen to B. I've stressed with my daughter the dangers of interacting online when you really don't know what the other person is. This guy could be 15 or he could be 30 or 50 trying to lure her away. The "don't talk to other guys" message is a huge problem IMO. It's a different world than I grew up in, but I see many potential dangers here.
Did I do the right thing in passing along the screenshots to B's mom after sneaking them from my daughter's phone? That it's a friend is helping me keep some perspective on this but I want to keep the relationship good with my girl though all of this. Ideas?
If B's mom tells B where she got the info (maybe during an argument) and B tells your daughter, you have lost a lot of credibility with your daughter that may never return. What justification do you have for snooping (sneaking as you said) in your daughter's phone? (that your daughter would believe or accept)
Did you do the right thing taking the screen shots of the convo and sending them to B's mother? Yes and no.
Yes, because the mother expressed a real concern to you about her daughter's safety.
No, because of the sneaky way you got the information. You said your daughter was mature and made good choices. You didn't trust her enough in this instance to let her show her maturity and a make a good choice. I would have used the situation for a conversation with your daughter. Simply telling her about the conversation with B's mother, her realistic concern about the boy, and talking about the potential danger of the situation would have been a great start. You could have further enforced the real risks in meeting online strangers. You could have ended it by asking your daughter if she had further information and had a conversation about the need to sometimes do things to protect people we love.
Sometimes we need to own up to our mistakes with our children. Something to think about BEFORE B tells her what happened.
Hopefully A will never find out. If she does I guess you can only appeal to her to understand that B's Mom made you worry that B might become the victim of sex traffickers; that you didn't ask her because you didn't want to put her in the position of feeling unloyal to her friend or lying to you.
I can understand the concern of B's parents, B's grades going down, talking to someone from another state that wants to meet up, that doesn't want her to talk to her old friends. That B would even entertain the idea of letting someone tell her not to talk to other guys is a red flag. One has to wonder what is going on in this girl's life that she is willing to put real life friends aside for some stranger. I hope this all turns out well for everyone.
IMO teenagers have a right to privacy. But it is a LIMITED right, not an absolute one. If you have not made that clear already to your daughter, it will be more difficult to proceed. The girl should have known that you do not snoop in her bedroom, her diary, her cellphone texts, etc. But if you come across something troubling (like you did) in the course of routine daily activities (like a cell phone back-up or some such) that you are the parent, she is the kid, and you will take whatever action is needed.
If you have not made that clear before this incident, now is the time to do so. But do so with gentleness and love. And just tell her that you were upset about the possible danger that B' could be in with "horny boys", and that you and B's mother talked about the situation. Reemphasize that you do not regularly snoop into her things, that you trust her, and that you came across these texts as part of normal routine. You never know how teenagers will react. But if she has the maturity and good judgment you claim, she shouldn't hold it against you. I would worry a lot more if I were B's mom.
IMO teenagers have a right to privacy. But it is a LIMITED right, not an absolute one. If you have not made that clear already to your daughter, it will be more difficult to proceed. The girl should have known that you do not snoop in her bedroom, her diary, her cellphone texts, etc. But if you come across something troubling (like you did) in the course of routine daily activities (like a cell phone back-up or some such) that you are the parent, she is the kid, and you will take whatever action is needed.
If you have not made that clear before this incident, now is the time to do so. But do so with gentleness and love. And just tell her that you were upset about the possible danger that B' could be in with "horny boys", and that you and B's mother talked about the situation. Reemphasize that you do not regularly snoop into her things, that you trust her, and that you came across these texts as part of normal routine. You never know how teenagers will react. But if she has the maturity and good judgment you claim, she shouldn't hold it against you. I would worry a lot more if I were B's mom.
Good luck.
I agree.
Even "mature" 15 year old girls do not always exhibit good judgement, especially when it involves friends and confidences. They value friendship above safety and feel they can control a situation. Their absolute belief in their own abilities and understanding is not that different from that of an 8 year old who jumps off the roof, confident she can fly.
Both need guidance from parents and some measure of control.
She has every right to hold it against you, no matter your intentions. It is especially important at this age to acknowledge (to yourself and her) that she is a person with her own individual feelings and she doesn't have to "just be okay" with your snooping. The neat thing is that humans have worked out a social invention once called "punishment" and now sometimes referred to as "corrective action" that can be applied, when both parties are willing, in order to provide physical and/or emotional restitution to someone who has been wronged. Recognize that the disquiet you feel indicates that, even if you had only the best intentions (and did the right thing, overall), you did wrong your daughter.
You need to get ahead of this situation and fess up to your daughter, just like you would want her to fess up to you were the situation reversed. You should feel bad about snooping her phone while giving the explicit or implicit impression that you would not cross that line of privacy. Be a good role model and demonstrate how to bring uncomfortable topics forward without a lot of drama and nonsense.
You should sit down and apologize to her for violating her trust ASAP. Pick a time when emotions are at ebb tide and every party is happy and comfortable. You can outline your reasons, but recognize that they are not an excuse and that you may need to accept corrective action against yourself. If she is the mature girl on a positive path that you say she is, then she should be able to accept your mistake and apology with grace, and work out a real solution that would give her an acceptable level of privacy, while assuaging your fears for her safety. Corrective actions for you could include taking some of your free time, or cancelling some of your own personal activities to drive her somewhere she enjoys, or something similar.
I would also take the opportunity to establish a more active presence in monitoring and guiding your daughter's social media. Not knowing even which platforms (and what they are typically used for) she is on is not something I would be okay with, but YMMV.
Depending on her reaction when you admit to snooping, you may want to wait and visit the topic in a day or two, or after you have completed your corrective actions.
To prevent future "snooping" I would come to the table with your proposal ready, and I would design it to ask for her to give up more privacy than you actually need to ensure safety. For instance, you could ask for:
- The ability to randomly check her social media, and then inform her that you have done so.
- The ability to install tracking software on her electronic devices that you can activate at will, but you will inform her that you have done so.
Then allow her to negotiate for more privacy, with the goal of meeting whatever you see as your minimal needs, such as:
- The knowledge of which social media platforms she uses, and her promise to bring anything that she judges as questionable to you, giving her the ability to redact the details (names of which friend, how much time she spent chatting, etc.) first.
- Installing tracking devices, but giving her control of whether you can activate them.
- The ability to access her social media and electronic devices ONLY in the case of an exigent emergency.
Keep in mind that you may need to allow her time to design a counter-proposal. Not everything has to be hashed out the second she hears your initial request.
Obviously, trust is at the center of all this, and you need to prove you are trustworthy by admitting to your mistake, accepting corrective action, and working out how to avoid future violations of trust. You can make her an active partner in this, without subverting your role as caregiver and ultimate authority.
Also, if you haven't had a real discussion of the realistic risks of living in our current society, you need to have that post-haste. The truth is that there is are varying low probabilities of school shootings, encountering a predator willing to prosecute their fantasy to the point where it injures her, suffering long-term negative consequences from risky sexual/physical behavior, becoming the target of bullying to the point where it does lasting socio-emotional damage, etc. However, those risks ARE present and you want to actively work together with her to armor her against them, without sucking all the joy out of her youth.
Did you do the right thing taking the screen shots of the convo and sending them to B's mother? Yes and no.
Yes, because the mother expressed a real concern to you about her daughter's safety.
No, because of the sneaky way you got the information. You said your daughter was mature and made good choices. You didn't trust her enough in this instance to let her show her maturity and a make a good choice. I would have used the situation for a conversation with your daughter. Simply telling her about the conversation with B's mother, her realistic concern about the boy, and talking about the potential danger of the situation would have been a great start. You could have further enforced the real risks in meeting online strangers. You could have ended it by asking your daughter if she had further information and had a conversation about the need to sometimes do things to protect people we love.
Sometimes we need to own up to our mistakes with our children. Something to think about BEFORE B tells her what happened.
My thoughts, exactly. Hindsight is 20/20, but OP, you could have used the conversation with the mother as a good reason to approach A, to say "B's mom has expressed this concern, and she wondered if you knew anything about it. She's worried, because of X and Y that B said about a guy she met online. What was alarming, was, that it sounded like she might be planning to travel to see him, at his suggestion; someone she knows nothing about, except for what he chooses to share online, and there's no way to know if any of it's true. So many of these situations turn out very badly, tragically even. We were wondering if B had said anything to you about this guy, and if so, I'm curious to know what your thoughts about the situation are."
(By asking her opinion, you're signaling that you see her as a potential ally, rather than a child. This could encourage her to show some maturity, as well as concern for her friend, and offer helpful info, with luck.)
Best case scenario: she might offer to express doubts to B, and might suggest she view this as a "stranger danger" situation. Worst case scenario: she warns B that her mom is onto her.
Either way, she won't know you've used her phone to provide evidence. B's mom seems savvy enough to not spill the beans about getting shots of the texting w/A, but you could let her know, that by keeping that to herself, the two of you have a better chance of enlisting A's cooperation.
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