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My thoughts swing against most of the suggestions on here.
He does not want to leave the school. This surprises me a bit but he is able to appreciate what he does like about it - so far. And he is able to keep up his grades and that's good, too. If he's doing some self-research, and prays, then at this point he is trying to find ways to deal with it. I would wait a little longer. Besides, a public school may notnecessarily go any smoother for him than the one he attends now. Kids can be turds anywhere.
Have you a considered meeting with the school to address your concerns? I would NOT state your suspicions that your son may be gay, only that he is being bullied as such, and how he likes the school and is striving to do well. But they need to know what's going on. Homosexuality may be not be acceptable by some Christian faiths but that does not mean that they condone the behavior against your son. How the school connects with you on this could tell you volumes.
A therapist would be helpful but don't make him go kicking 'n' screaming. Just keep the communication open.
I agree, it should be his choice whether he wants to go to another school. Personally, I think it would be harder to start at a new school when he was "searching" for whatever it is - some kind of answer.
I don't know about meeting with the school though, it just really depends as it may make it worse. Schools aren't like they used to be, and professionalism and privacy are often not observed.
I would just try to spend time with him, and let him know as the OP does that he can confide anything to her.
I would be watchful of his behavior, and let him know there are answers to any issues that people have, and the importance of "sharing" as a way to lessen ones load.
He may or may not be gay. He may have had someone he knows that is gay. Also, a more feminine male is sometimes just a more feminine male, and sadly, others these days may consider that the person is gay, and tease them about it. All gay males are not feminine, and all gay females are not masculine. I would be watchful of who he is friends with, and of school personnel.
With religion, let him sort it out. Many, if not all, go through a searching phase.
I have always suspected, but my 12 year old son may be gay. He always had a more a more feminine side to him than other boys, and I thought that was okay and perhaps just a stage. Yesterday, I decided to go through his internet browsing history, and I saw that he googled "what does the bible say about homosexuality?" He then later googled "anti-suicidal songs." I also noticed in the last few days that he's been praying to God more, so that is somewhat a concern.
He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him. I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you. That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.
My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.
I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.
My question is what do I need to do now? I read that I should wait until he opens up to me about his sexuality. But him being gay is not even my biggest concern now. I'm worried that he may feel hopeless and worthless because he is something that the majority of the world (and the Christian faith condemns), and that it's making him feel suicidal. Do I tell him that I know, and that it's okay if he is? And that he will be forgiven regardless? And that suicide is not that answer? Do I send him to a specific therapist? If you've been through this before, please help.
Get him out of that school. He's obviously been indoctrinated and it's toxic. Since it's the end of the year you can start fresh at the new one in the fall. Start taking him to a counselor.
I would be watchful of his behavior, and let him know there are answers to any issues that people have, and the importance of "sharing" as a way to lessen ones load.
He may or may not be gay. He may have had someone he knows that is gay. Also, a more feminine male is sometimes just a more feminine male, and sadly, others these days may consider that the person is gay, and tease them about it. All gay males are not feminine, and all gay females are not masculine. I would be watchful of who he is friends with, and of school personnel.
With religion, let him sort it out. Many, if not all, go through a searching phase.
I agree with the above.
What I don't agree with is changing schools - this kid is going to be bullied wherever he is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sadparent
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He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him.
I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you.
That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.
My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.
I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.
He has no male friends and his one friend drops him. His friend told him a power thing and you are ignoring it.
1). You and your son needs to learn that people have public lives and private lives. There are things you do in public that don't always reflect your opinions. It's not acceptable for your son to tell grandma her politics suck over the Thanksgiving turkey or that he think she is too old or fat. He can not do private things in public like pick his nose or walk around in his underwear. Separate the public vs private lives. Cute stickers and skin care are for home. Not a topic of discussion for school.
I'm sure your son's school has a dress code. He can't wear a tee shirt with the "f" word on it, right? I bet personal grooming is included in the dress code. Long finger nails will be a problem everywhere - public or private school and afterwards at work.
If you don't want your kid to be a target, stop it before it starts.
Anime is not a gay thing. All of Japan isn't gay, is it? No, of course not. Your son likes anime so get him involved in martial arts - like today. He needs to learn a skill that his male classmates can respect and he'll make friends in the martial arts classes. Probably boys who also like anime.
Your son doesn't have common denominators with his classmates. I am willing to bet, he isn't in to skincare because he likes it - it's because the girls like it. He doesn't have another way to relate to his peers.
When my kids were young, I made a point to do something every weekend which they could talk about on Monday morning with their peers. We would go on long hikes, go to a sports game, go bowling, visit a museum, take a class, do something! Get your son out of the house! Into martial arts.
All the tea and sympathy in the world isn't going to help him. He needs to learn how to relate to his peers. It's a skill he can learn with your help. He needs to have activities outside of school to improve his social skills and broaden his interests.
BTW, where is his father in this? What kind of relationship do they have?
What I don't agree with is changing schools - this kid is going to be bullied wherever he is.
He has no male friends and his one friend drops him. His friend told him a power thing and you are ignoring it.
1). You and your son needs to learn that people have public lives and private lives. There are things you do in public that don't always reflect your opinions. It's not acceptable for your son to tell grandma her politics suck over the Thanksgiving turkey or that he think she is too old or fat. He can not do private things in public like pick his nose or walk around in his underwear. Separate the public vs private lives. Cute stickers and skin care are for home. Not a topic of discussion for school.
I'm sure your son's school has a dress code. He can't wear a tee shirt with the "f" word on it, right? I bet personal grooming is included in the dress code. Long finger nails will be a problem everywhere - public or private school and afterwards at work.
If you don't want your kid to be a target, stop it before it starts.
Anime is not a gay thing. All of Japan isn't gay, is it? No, of course not. Your son likes anime so get him involved in martial arts - like today. He needs to learn a skill that his male classmates can respect and he'll make friends in the martial arts classes. Probably boys who also like anime.
Your son doesn't have common denominators with his classmates. I am willing to bet, he isn't in to skincare because he likes it - it's because the girls like it. He doesn't have another way to relate to his peers.
When my kids were young, I made a point to do something every weekend which they could talk about on Monday morning with their peers. We would go on long hikes, go to a sports game, go bowling, visit a museum, take a class, do something! Get your son out of the house! Into martial arts.
All the tea and sympathy in the world isn't going to help him. He needs to learn how to relate to his peers. It's a skill he can learn with your help. He needs to have activities outside of school to improve his social skills and broaden his interests.
BTW, where is his father in this? What kind of relationship do they have?
I don’t agree with this. Apparently the child has friends. They just aren’t male. There is no requirement that anyone do traditionally “masculine” things if they don’t want to do them. My dad is 75 and took home ec in school because he had zero interest in shop. He was never a sporty/“manly” man. Instead, he preferred music and was in marching band and in the school choir.
The key thing is for the OP’s son to find something he likes to do. He likes anime- great! There maybe other things he likes too. Maybe he wants to do something artsy. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. I think when I was the son’s age, I really did not get along well with the other girls in my class. I was not particularly girly. I am not really into sports either, but I wasn’t into stuff like makeup that the girls seemed to like.
I also do NOT agree that all schools are alike. When we lost our home and changed schools it was like PARADISE. I was not bullied in the new school. I suffered because we went back to the old school district. I also had more female friends than male.
I concur about getting him out of the school. Pronto. As someone who used to be a fundamentalist Christian I can tell you first-hand of the deleterious effects. I am alarmed at the numbers of young people I'm reading about nowadays who are gay and contemplating suicide.
My dad is 75 and took home ec in school because he had zero interest in shop. He was never a sporty/“manly” man. Instead, he preferred music and was in marching band and in the school choir.
The key thing is for the OP’s son to find something he likes to do. He likes anime- great! There maybe other things he likes too. Maybe he wants to do something artsy. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. I think when I was the son’s age, I really did not get along well with the other girls in my class. I was not particularly girly. I am not really into sports either, but I wasn’t into stuff like makeup that the girls seemed to like.
My husband was the same way - he was in the schools plays, loves opera and literature.
He had no interest in the typical "manly" high school stuff - however - he knew enough to talk about guy things. I've never seen him watch a football game, but Monday mornings he knows the scores and who won what game. He knew his co-workers would talk about sports around the "water cooler." It's important to make relationships at work by joining in group discussion. School is no different. Common sense 101.
I agree fully with "key thing is for the OP’s son to find something he likes to do." I have the feeling that this kid needs more parental involvement to make his own identity. I still would like to know what his father thinks about all of this.
One more point - Many European men are less masculine than the typical American bro. What is common here, isn't everywhere else in the world. There are many ways to be a male in the world. Anime and martial arts are huge in Japan (and elsewhere) and it certainly isn't considered gay.
I have always suspected, but my 12 year old son may be gay. He always had a more a more feminine side to him than other boys, and I thought that was okay and perhaps just a stage. Yesterday, I decided to go through his internet browsing history, and I saw that he googled "what does the bible say about homosexuality?" He then later googled "anti-suicidal songs." I also noticed in the last few days that he's been praying to God more, so that is somewhat a concern.
He goes to a private Christian school, and came to me a while back crying at night that the boys at school have been mean to him (saying things about him). The only closer friend he had stopped being friends with him. I don't know if it was mutual because my son was complaining about that friend how unkind he was, and I did tell him that sometimes you just need to unfriend people who are not good for you. That friend was telling my son how wrong he finds that my son is too feminine because my son has a lot of female friends (rather than males), that my son likes Anime, how my son keeps his fingers long, put cute stickers on his laptop, and he's into skincare, etc.
My son does very good at school (grades are not failing so far), but he's always struggled with making friends. I asked him if he wants to go to a public school where there will be more people, and he does not. He likes the school, just doesn't like that there's such a small number of people to make friends with, and obviously not the boys there.
I asked him last night if anything's been bothering him, and of course he said no. I did tell him I know something's bothering him because I'm his mom and I can read him well. He then said yes, and I just vaguely told him that he can tell me anything even if he thinks he's wrong or that the world thinks it's wrong. He can always come to me and I will not judge him, will always love him, support and protect him.
My question is what do I need to do now? I read that I should wait until he opens up to me about his sexuality. But him being gay is not even my biggest concern now. I'm worried that he may feel hopeless and worthless because he is something that the majority of the world (and the Christian faith condemns), and that it's making him feel suicidal. Do I tell him that I know, and that it's okay if he is? And that he will be forgiven regardless? And that suicide is not that answer? Do I send him to a specific therapist? If you've been through this before, please help.
Well I'm a gay man and I can relate to your son. I was raised Catholic but I went to public school. That was in the 90s though.
I thought about it a lot when I was close to your son's age. I felt like the was no way to be happy if I was gay. I wanted to grow up and be a father with kids. I wanted to be like the other boys. The hardest part was being so incredibly isolated and alone. I felt like I had nobody. Nobody knew me.
The most important thing for your son is that you tell him don't just assume he knows tell him at least once a week that you love him no matter what. And anything he wants to talk about is okay. It may take a year before he confesses he may not even be gay I was not at all an effeminate boy and he may just be getting teased because of that. I was able to fly under the radar.
If he has both parents it's important that you are both on the same page.
When my parents would say negative things about gay men it felt like daggers in my heart so don't do that, I know they didn't mean it that way, but it still hurt.
So watch that and think about it.
Also Catholic school... That may not be a good place for a gay boy. I don't know what that is like. So if there is another option that's available consider it. Also there are Christian organizations even Catholic ones that are LGBT accepting. So maybe seek out some of those. Talk to the members. I'm a Christian too so we exist.
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