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As our boys head into their teenage years, my wife and I are thinking more and more about how to help them avoid (what we see as) unhealthy lifestyle choices. We worry about things like binge drinking, excessive drug use, and porn (lots of research suggests it can disrupt normal sexual development in young adult men).
Of course we can talk to them about these things, but they need healthy peer/social influences, too. I know that religious communities sometimes do a good job creating social spaces in which there will be less peer pressure to make unhealthy choices. If you are a secular person (like us), what options do you have for putting your kids in a social environment that will keep them from indulging in these things, or at least from indulging in them to a problematic extent?
The porn one does seem sort of scary. When I was in high school there was no internet. Y could rent porn or get porn magazines but you had to be 18. Now anyone with internet access can look up pretty much anything in seconds and it's not pretty. It does seem like its changing young people's perceptions and expectations on what people (particularly) women should look like and sex in general.
The binge drinking one could happen at any age I guess. I know people in their 40's still dealing with that one. Our son is 9 and he is already aware that some people have issues with alcohol and it can cause all sorts of problems if abused.
Try to steer your kids into the best schools and clubs, based on reputation. Ask around your community regarding the reputation of local high schools for bullying, drugs, and drinking. Look for schools, organizations, and clubs that have a reputation for consisting of children focused on their future, rather than partying or engaging in risky behavior.
Hopefully you’ve been laying the groundwork already, but try to guide their friendships and relationships with their peers so that they form the strongest bonds with the children who seem to have good heads on their shoulders.
As you stated, your best bet is simply talking to them and outlining the dangers each of these negative influences present to their future. Explain the mechanics of how any/or/excessive *whatever* can have negative impacts on them.
This should go in concert with discussions about what they like to do and what future careers and hobbies they see themselves in, so they have a goal that allows them to set their own personal boundaries of what is safe and what could endanger their ability to be a surfing rocket scientist, presidential pilates instructor, or whatever goal they have.
The tough part is finessing how you talk to them about their friends and peers. Do your best to get to know their friends. Encourage them to form strong bonds with peers who have a sense of self, decency, and a drive to secure a good future for themselves.
I wouldn’t say that religion helps much in terms of peer selection or peer pressure, though it may be an effective way to frighten children into compliance (insert Jesus “I saw that!” meme here).
I was raised in a religious household and I attended many church, youth group, and religious-based camps as a teenager. My peers at religious youth groups and camps were more into risky and promiscuous behavior than my self-selected friends from high school. Religious camps and outings were NOT well-monitored, and the kids and adults there behaved worse than my self-selected high school friends. Looking back, I have the impression that it was assumed that religious children (or counselors) did not NEED monitoring or safety protocols (like two-person integrity with adult caretakers and children).
I personally know children who were molested because of the lack of oversight of religious gatherings. If I had hung out with my youth group more often and my group of co-ed friends less, I would have been much more at-risk.
Many years later, my group of high school friends are happier and more successful than my church youth group. Most of my friends are in the career and location of their choice with stable relationships, while my youth group has many divorces and adult children who moved back home. Most surprisingly, in my tiny sample, economics and family doesn’t seem to play a factor. The wealthiest youth group children from 2-parent households were “less successful” than poorer secular friends who had divorced parents.
My spouse would add: keep them too busy for drugs/alcohol/sex. Encourage a full schedule of clubs/sports/things they enjoy so they don’t have a lot of empty time to fill with dangerous experimentation.
After all: Idle hands do the devil’s work.
As our boys head into their teenage years, my wife and I are thinking more and more about how to help them avoid (what we see as) unhealthy lifestyle choices. We worry about things like binge drinking, excessive drug use, and porn (lots of research suggests it can disrupt normal sexual development in young adult men).
Of course we can talk to them about these things, but they need healthy peer/social influences, too. I know that religious communities sometimes do a good job creating social spaces in which there will be less peer pressure to make unhealthy choices. If you are a secular person (like us), what options do you have for putting your kids in a social environment that will keep them from indulging in these things, or at least from indulging in them to a problematic extent?
IMO there’s little difference in the rate of drinking and drug use between religious and secular peer groups. Some of the worst offenders my kids knew were from highly religious families and went to Christian schools. The ones least likely to drink/do drugs were the athletes.
I honestly don’t think there’s any guaranteed way to insulate your kids from drinking and drugs. And I’d take anyone’s claims they did X and their kids never did those things with a grain of salt. Often the ones doing the most drinking/drugs had the most clueless obtuse parents.
IMHO you shouldn't need a religious "overlay" in order to give discussions about risky behavior more punch or convince kids not to do something (ie: some deity frowns on doing this or that. Jesus wouldn't like it. That goes against the Commandments, Bible, Quran, Scriptures, etc. etc.). The risks resulting from bad choices would still exist regardless what someone's faith happens to be.
Last edited by Parnassia; 06-06-2023 at 04:39 PM..
Try to steer your kids into the best schools and clubs, based on reputation. Ask around your community regarding the reputation of local high schools for bullying, drugs, and drinking. Look for schools, organizations, and clubs that have a reputation for consisting of children focused on their future, rather than partying or engaging in risky behavior.
Hopefully you’ve been laying the groundwork already, but try to guide their friendships and relationships with their peers so that they form the strongest bonds with the children who seem to have good heads on their shoulders.
As you stated, your best bet is simply talking to them and outlining the dangers each of these negative influences present to their future. Explain the mechanics of how any/or/excessive *whatever* can have negative impacts on them.
This should go in concert with discussions about what they like to do and what future careers and hobbies they see themselves in, so they have a goal that allows them to set their own personal boundaries of what is safe and what could endanger their ability to be a surfing rocket scientist, presidential pilates instructor, or whatever goal they have.
The tough part is finessing how you talk to them about their friends and peers. Do your best to get to know their friends. Encourage them to form strong bonds with peers who have a sense of self, decency, and a drive to secure a good future for themselves.
I wouldn’t say that religion helps much in terms of peer selection or peer pressure, though it may be an effective way to frighten children into compliance (insert Jesus “I saw that!” meme here).
I was raised in a religious household and I attended many church, youth group, and religious-based camps as a teenager. My peers at religious youth groups and camps were more into risky and promiscuous behavior than my self-selected friends from high school. Religious camps and outings were NOT well-monitored, and the kids and adults there behaved worse than my self-selected high school friends. Looking back, I have the impression that it was assumed that religious children (or counselors) did not NEED monitoring or safety protocols (like two-person integrity with adult caretakers and children).
I personally know children who were molested because of the lack of oversight of religious gatherings. If I had hung out with my youth group more often and my group of co-ed friends less, I would have been much more at-risk.
Many years later, my group of high school friends are happier and more successful than my church youth group. Most of my friends are in the career and location of their choice with stable relationships, while my youth group has many divorces and adult children who moved back home. Most surprisingly, in my tiny sample, economics and family doesn’t seem to play a factor. The wealthiest youth group children from 2-parent households were “less successful” than poorer secular friends who had divorced parents.
My spouse would add: keep them too busy for drugs/alcohol/sex. Encourage a full schedule of clubs/sports/things they enjoy so they don’t have a lot of empty time to fill with dangerous experimentation.
After all: Idle hands do the devil’s work.
OP here - if you don't mind my asking, which religious group was this? I'm not a member of any church and would like to know more about their youth subcultures.
And thanks to all who have replied so far! Lots of good ideas and things to think about.
When my oldest was in 5th or 6th grade, and his brother in 3rd or 4th, we were sitting around talking and I told them that if they could JUST avoid drinking and drugs until they were done with 8th grade, they'd probably be good to go for the rest of their lives.
At that age, one poor decision can determine the rest of your life. Or so it seems to me.
But also...I didn't drink around my kids and I don't think I even smoked pot until they got to be adults. I DO have the bad habit of smoking tobacco though. Thankfully, neither of my kids picked that habit up.
Be present in their lives, model good behavior, keep lines of communication open (even when they will occasionally close those lines of communication). Be there, be open, be honest.
I know people who are overtly religious, vaguely religious, agnostic and atheists. I learned long ago to not rely on one's religiousness as a barometer of their behavior nor morality. Nor their knowledge of their own religion. YMMV.
The only thing I do with my child is to have expectations that I can follow through with consistently. For example, one expectation I have is that she must have a reason for really anything - any action, any opinion... That doesn't mean she must always share the reason, but she should have an elaborate answer. I have a rule that if you can't tell anyone the real reason why you are doing something, don't do it. And I think most people know why they do what they do.
I also like to see if she understands what I like and dislike. For example, I may ask her to tell me what I might like best about her friends and what I might like least about them. The intention is to never judge her friends or end friendships, but to assess our level of communication.
Another rule I have to is not only to take the advice of friends and family but also to make sure she has an influence on them. It can't just go in one direction. If she feels that she is not a contributor, it is time to branch out and make more connections.
So I guess I rely on reasoning and communication. I wouldn't turn to religion for those two things.
Last edited by elyn02; 06-07-2023 at 03:27 PM..
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